04/03/14 Grif.Net – First Robins of Spring

In Wyoming it is JUST beginning to show signs, thru the snow, of spring. I
noticed the first robins of spring trying to peck for food through cold
earth. Reminded me of the story (think we told it fifteen years ago on the
Grif.Net), about two robins that were sitting in a tree.

“I’m really hungry,” said the first one. “Me, too,” said the second. “Let’s
fly down and find some lunch.”

They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of open ground full of worms.
They ate and ate and ate and ate ’til they could eat no more.

“I’m so full I don’t think I can fly back up to the tree”, said the first
one.

“Me either. Let’s just lay here and bask in the warm sun,” said the second.

“O.K.” said the first.

So they plopped down, reveling in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen
asleep, a big fat tomcat snuck from behind and gobbled them up.

As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought to himself, “I really
love baskin’ robins.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

04/02/14 Grif.Net – Materialistic

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was
eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen
wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver’s side door with him
standing right there.

“NOOO!” he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic
tried to fix it, it never would be the same.

Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, “MY JAGUAR
DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!” he exclaimed.

“You’re a lawyer aren’t you?” asked the policeman. “Yes, I am, but what does
this have to do with my car?!?!” the lawyer asked.

“HA! You lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your
possessions. I bet you didn’t even notice that your left arm is missing did
you?” the cop said.

The lawyer looked down at his side and cried, “MY ROLEX!”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

04/01/14 Grif.Net – Monthly Punny Jokes, no Foolin’

*I once tried to eat a clock, but found it very time consuming.

*Can retired CIA agents be despised?

*Jill was planning to make some pastries for breakfast and later on, can
some pickles. She sent Jack out for the spices she would need and he left,
heading up the hill singing, “Gonna take a cinnamon-dill journey…”

*Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m
OK, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

*Did you hear about the crime that happened in a parking garage? It was
wrong on so many levels

[hat tip to David who loves puns more than I]
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

03/31/14 Grif.Net – Raging Against the Snow

[March came IN like a lion and today it is going OUT like a lion. Six more
inches of heavy wet snow, branches sagging and cracking. I am TIRED of a
winter that will not end. So RAGE . . or LAUGH . . about it with me.]

*If I yell against the weather for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, I can
produce enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

*I thought I could use my vacuum to help clear off the chunks of ice on the
back porch, but the machine couldn’t take it. Guess it was so cold that hail
froze hoover.

*I am losing weight with this snow. When I start banging my head against a
wall, I burn 150 calories an hour.

*I told my doctor that I hurt my back when I slipped shoveling the front
steps, and he said, ‘Icy.’

*Springtime in Wyoming is snow place to be.

*When I dialed the emergency Road Condition number, the recorded said “Call
back in the Spring”.

*Getting more snow in the Spring is like winning ten cents on my lottery
ticket.

*Sorry for the rant, but had to share. Even though I’m old, I still remember
“Snow and Tell” from grade school days . . .

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

03/29/14 Weekend Grif.Net – Correction

For all the negative things I have to say, God has a positive response in
His Word to “correct” my thinking.

I say, “It’s impossible.”
GOD says, All things are possible. (Luke 18:27)

I say, “I’m too tired.”
GOD says, I will give you rest. (Matthew 11:28-30)

I say, “Nobody really loves me.”
GOD says, I love you. (John 3:16 & John 13:34)

I say, “I can’t go on.”
GOD says, My grace is sufficient. (II Corinthians 12:9 & Psalm 91:15)

I say, “I can’t figure things out.”
GOD says, I will direct your steps. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

I say, “I can’t do it.”
GOD says, You can do all things. (Philippians 4:13)

I say, “I’m not able.”
GOD says, I am able. (II Corinthians 9:8)

I say, “It’s not worth it.”
GOD says, It will be worth it. (Romans 8:28)

I say, “I can’t forgive myself.”
GOD says, I forgive you. (I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1)

I say, “I can’t manage.”
GOD says, I will supply all your needs. (Philippians 4:19)

I say, “I’m afraid.”
GOD says, I have not given you a spirit of fear. (II Timothy 1:7)

I say, “I’m always worried and frustrated.”
GOD says, Cast all your cares on Me. (I Peter 5:7)

I say, “I don’t have enough faith.”
GOD says, I’ve given everyone a measure of faith. (Romans 12:3)

I say, “I’m not smart enough.”
GOD says, I give you wisdom. (I Corinthians 1:30)

I say, “I feel all alone.”
GOD says, I will never leave you or forsake you. (Hebrews 13:5)

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

03/28/14 Grif.Net – I’ve Learned that . . .

I’ve learned that . .

~ with a calendar, your days are numbered.

~ even though dogs hear ten times better than humans, they only hear three
times better than a mom.

~ with faith you can move mountains, but with doubt you can create them.

~ if the shoe fits, buy a pair in every color.

~ the difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

~ the only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.

~ when in deep water, it’s best to keep your mouth shut.

~ when I try to turn back time, all I end up with is emit.

~ the email of the species is more deadly than the mail.

~ experience is a wonderful thing because it enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

03/27/14 Grif.Net – Bearly Humorous

[JC forwarded this one. Don't shoot the messenger.]

These three guys are out fishing, and when they get back to their truck they
see it’s surrounded by three bears. So I suggested, “Guys, I figure the only
way to get to the truck is to really get them mad. Then they’ll leave and we
can go home. So, Ed, you take the one on the left, the little cub with the
broken leg, and I’ll take the one in the middle, the little cub with one eye
and a hurt paw, and Joe, you take the one on the right, the huge silver tip
mama grizzly bear with blood-encrusted claws, the big teeth, and froth
around the mouth”.

Joe was not happy with the plan. “Hey, wait a sec, I’m supposed to get this
monster mad, and you guys just deal with the cubs? That’s not fair!”

I tried to calm his fear. “Now, now, Joe. We all have our bears to cross.”

~~
ANSWERS TO “DOG IDIOM” QUIZ
Ex: Working hard but not seeing progress
“Chasing your own tail”

1. Some people will do anything to be successful, even if what they do harms
others = “Dog eat dog”

2. Dishonest = “Crooked as a dog’s hind leg”

3. Extremely ill = “Sick as a dog”

4. Choose the wrong course of action or ask the wrong person = “Barking up
the wrong tree”

5. Stop threatening or chasing = “Call off the dogs”

6. Something you disapprove of because you think that it has only been
organized to impress = “Dog-and-Pony show”

7. Everyone will have his chance or turn, and get what he deserves = “Every
dog has his day”

8. To argue and fight with someone (usually used for people who know each
other or siblings) = “Fight like cats and dogs”

9. Words are worse than your actions = “Bark is worse than your bite”

10. Situation deteriorates = “Go to the dogs”

11. To be in disgrace or disfavor, in trouble = “In the doghouse”

12. Don’t make trouble if you don’t have to = “Let sleeping dogs lie”

13. To dress or entertain in a luxurious and extravagant manner = “Put on
the dog”

14. To irritate someone = “Rub them the wrong way”

15. To leave for some unmentioned purpose (often to go to the washroom) =
“Go and see a man about a dog”

16. Feeling beaten or humiliated = “With his tail between his legs”

17. A situation where a small part of something controls the whole thing =
“Tail is wagging the dog”

18. The most important person in an organization = “Top dog”

19. To flee trouble or danger = “Turn tail and run”

20. Difficult for my generation to figure out new technology = “Can’t teach
an old dog new tricks”

Bonus: If you put in lots of effort to get this right AND weary after taking
this quiz = You “Worked like a dog” AND ARE “Dog tired”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

03/26/14 Grif.Net – Dog Gone Language

An idiom is “a set expression of two or more words that means something
other than the literal meaning of its individual words. All of these in the
quiz relate to DOGS and amazed at how many have crept into our every day
speech. Here is an example so you get the idea and don’t waste time . .
Ex: Working hard but not seeing progress
“Chasing your own tail”

1. Some people will do anything to be successful, even if what they do harms
others

2. Dishonest

3. Extremely ill

4. Choose the wrong course of action or ask the wrong person

5. Stop threatening or chasing

6. Something you disapprove of because you think that it has only been
organized to impress

7. Everyone will have his chance or turn, and get what he deserves

8. To argue/fuss at someone (usually people who know each other; siblings)

9. Words are worse than your actions

10. Situation deteriorates

11. To be in disgrace or disfavor, in trouble

12. Don’t make trouble if you don’t have to

13. To dress or entertain in a luxurious and extravagant manner

14. To irritate someone

15. To leave for some unmentioned purpose (often to go to the washroom)

16. Feeling beaten or humiliated

17. A situation where a small part of something controls the whole thing

18. The most important person in an organization

19. To flee trouble or danger

20. Difficult for my generation to figure out computer technology

Bonus Combination: If you put in lots of effort to get this right AND then
are weary after taking this quiz

[Answers tomorrow]

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

03/25/14 Grif.Net – Writing Tips for Technical Reports

Need help for your next paper/speech? Here is a sure-fire way to enhance
writing technical, business or college reports. We know how difficult it can
be to use just the right phrase to convey the true depth of your topic. Now,
professionals and students alike can seem like etymological geniuses using
Dr. P. Broughton’s “Systematic Buzz Phrase Projector”. Using only 30
carefully chosen buzz words, you can “wow your way” through any written or
oral presentation:

Column 1
0. integrated
1. total
2. systematized
3. parallel
4. functional
5. responsive
6. optional
7. synchronized
8. compatible
9. balanced

Column 2
0. management
1. organizational
2. monitored
3. reciprocal
4. digital
5. logistical
6. transitional
7. incremental
8. next-generation
9. policy

Column 3
0. options
1. flexibility
2. capability
3. mobility
4. programming
5. concept
6. time-phase
7. projection
8. hardware
9. contingency

USAGE: Randomly pick any three-digit number. Now select the corresponding
buzzword from each column. For instance, “748″ produces “synchronized
transitional hardware”, or “839″ yields “responsive reciprocal contingency”,
a phrase which can be dropped into any report with the ring of authority.
“No one will have any idea what you’re talking about,” says Broughton, “but
they’re probably not about to admit it.” This is “balanced incremental
programming” (974) that many students should employ to “functionally monitor
options” (420) in their papers if they hope to pass this semester.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

03/24/14 Grif.Net – Simple Bible Quiz for Kids

Q: Who was the smartest man in the Bible?
A: Abraham, since he knew a Lot.

Q: Who was the most ruthless person in the Bible?
A: Boaz, before he got married.

Q: Why was everyone in Bible times poor?
A: Because there was only one Job.

Q: How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
A: They were really put out.

Q: Where is a mention of insurance in the Bible?
A: When David gave Goliath a piece of the rock.

Q: Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A: The area around the Jordan where the banks were always overflowing.

Q: Who was the most successful physician in the Bible?
A: Job, for he had the most patients.

Q: What did Noah say while he was loading all the animals into the ark?
A: “Now I’ve herd everything.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

03/22/14 Weekend Grif.Net – Apostate

Reading some excerpts from a book on how Western Civilization has been led
into apostasy and anti-god thinking in the past centuries crossed my desk.
As Christians who still hold to a supernatural reality, we would be
negligent to ignore the spiritual elements of this apostasy. Although the
self-conscious materialist rejects any notion of a supernatural or spiritual
world, it is surprising how many of the apostates were afflicted by
spiritual forces, and actually gave credence to them in their writings.

“ERNEST HEMINGWAY received something of a Christian heritage and character
but then used it to foul ends. He stands at the head of a long line of
apostate “celebrities” who produced the popular literature and popular music
of the day, who continue in the same vein. Over the last one hundred years,
millions of children raised in similar Christian homes have spun off into
apostasy, and Hemingway was the prototypical apostate that followed.
Recently, the Southern Baptist denomination reported that a full 88% of
children raised in Christian families leave the church as soon as they leave
the home. Ernest Hemingway showed them how.”

“NATHANIEL HAWTHORNE’S disdain for the Puritans can only be explained by his
own religious apostasy and his commitment to a humanist (man-centered)
worldview. His hatred for the Puritans was deeply personal, relentlessly
biter, and marginally psychotic.”

While these were just two of the book’s examples, they underscore the need
for vigilance in understanding the scope of apostasy in culture (music, art,
entertainment, literature, films, media and many other aspects of our world
today) and the impact it has on us and on our children.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

03/21/14 Grif.Net – Clam Up

A couple of clams were eating candy bars while two fish watched.

“Did you see that?” one fish said, as the clams finished their treat. “They
ate it all and didn’t offer us a single bite!”

“What did you expect?” asked the other. “Obviously they’re two shellfish.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

03/20/14 Grif.Net – Advice

[As I've gotten older I realized I'm always glad to share my ignorance. I've
got plenty.]

*Experience is a hard teacher. It gives the test first and then the lesson.

*You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks.

*Cleaning house with kids around is like brushing your teeth with Oreos.

*Teamwork is essential – it allows you to blame someone else.

*You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a bunch of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you’ll
be afraid to cough.

*If you want to eat healthy, don’t eat food with commercials.

*Laughter is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.

*One good turn gets most of the blankets.

*You should never hit a guy with glasses. Always use your fist.

*The Golden Rule is of no use to you unless you realize that it is your
move.

*The squeaky wheel may get the grease, or it may be the first to be
replaced.

[you're welcome]
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”