07/17/14 Grif.Net – You Can’t Take It with You

A stingy old miser was seriously ill and determined to prove wrong the old
saying, “You can’t take it with you.” He told his wife to go down to the
bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. His plan was to
secretly stash the bags directly over his bed in the attic, and when he died
grab them on his way up to heaven.

One day the old fellow died. A few months after the funeral, his wife was up
cleaning in the attic, and stumbled across the hidden pillowcases. She
figured out his failed plan and muttered to herself, “That old fool. It
might have worked if he had put them in the basement!”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

07/16/14 Grif.Net – Descriptions of Life

[Found these descriptions of life from friends and acquaintances posting on
the internet]

I used a chemistry pun on the Grif.Net once, but got no reaction.

I have a dentist who simply loves working on my teeth. He may be abscessive
compulsive.

I used to do balance and rotations at an auto shop, but felt like I was just
spinning my wheels, so I decided to retire.

My wife has a new Latin motto: “VENI, VEDI, VISA”. I came, I saw, I shopped.

I tripped on a pumpkin and fell into the woodpile. They call it a black eye
but there’s a lot of yellow and purple too. My friends say they’re enjoying
my fall colors.

I think exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

My wife found a new lip balm that makes her lose weight. It’s called Super
Glue.

I’m taking a foreign language class this fall. It’s called “Math”.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road
worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

07/15/14 Grif.Net – Diagnosis

[Another old-but-good rerun - it is summer and hot and I just flew back in
at midnight from the Left coast]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office for his checkup.
Afterward the doctor took the wife aside and said, “Unless you do the
following things, your husband will surely die.”

The doctor went on to say, “Here’s what you need to do. Every morning make
sure you serve him a good healthy breakfast. Meet him at home every day and
serve him a well-balanced lunch. Also, feed him a good hot meal each
evening. Don’t overburden him with stressful conversation, nor ask him to
perform any household chores. Also, keep the house spotless and clean so he
doesn’t get exposed to any threatening germs. As a wife, be available to
meet his every physical desire as well.”

On the way home the husband asked the wife, “What did the doctor say?” She
replied, “He said you’re going to die.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

07/14/14 Grif.Net – Not a Good Start

[This is an old story with lots of variation, but still brought a smile]

Ted and Marsha had some previous up’s and down’s in their marriages when
they were younger, but now at retirement age they were sure they’d found the
right one. The bride-to-be was obviously stressed out, and the sensitive
future groom offered to help her with some of the arrangements.

Marsha suggested that Ted handle the ordering of the wedding cake. There
was a Scripture verse that was special to Marsha and she told Ted that she
would very much like for it to be written on their wedding cake.

The verse Marsha wanted was 1 John 4:18, “There is no fear in love, for
perfect love drives out fear.” Wow.

Ted agreed that it was indeed the perfect verse for their cake and set off
for Wal-Mart. Ted did a fine job at the bakery department, informing them of
all the details of this magnificent wedding cake, including the Scripture
verse. But age was not kind to Ted’s memory, and he left out a vital piece
of information for the baker; instead of FIRST John 4:18 (the Apostle’s
letter in the New Testament), he told the baker simply John 4:18 (John’s
Gospel account).

A few days before the wedding, the baker contacted Ted to confirm the
Scripture wanted on the cake. Ted assured her that the verse he’d said was
exactly what his future wife wanted. Somewhat apprehensive, the baker hung
up the phone and proceeded to decorate the couple’s wedding cake.

The big day had arrived. The ceremony went off extremely well. Marsha had
never looked more beautiful and Ted looked very handsome in his tuxedo.

The two proceeded to the reception and over to the wedding cake to begin the
picture-taking session. It was at this moment that Ted realized his tragic
mistake with the verse.

Marsha read, with horror, the verse on their wedding cake. For John 4:18
says: “The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is
not your husband.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

07/12/14 Weekend Grif.Net – Charlie Schulz Philosophy

[Barnabas forwarded this and it is marvelous! Scroll down slowly and read
carefully to receive and enjoy full effect]

The following is the philosophy of Charles Schulz, the creator of the
‘Peanuts’ comic strip. You don’t have to actually answer the questions. Just
ponder on them. Just read the e-mail straight through and you’ll get the
point.

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America pageant.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and
actress.
6. Name the last decade’s worth of World Series winners.

How did you do?
The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday.
These are no second-rate achievers.
They are the best in their fields.
But the applause dies.
Awards tarnish.
Achievements are forgotten.
Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

*******~*******

Here’s another quiz. See how you do on this one:
1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.

Easier?
The lesson:
The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most
credentials, the most money or the most awards.
They simply are the ones who care the most!

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

07/11/14 Grif.Net – Wrong Computer?

At the clinic our “front” computer (with mailing lists, pricing points,
correspondence – really not the important computers the doctors use) simply
quit. Kaput. Nothing. So looking to get an inexpensive replacement desk top
unit, and copy the old hard drive.

Our biggest fear, of course, is blowing $$$ on a clunker that’s not even fit
for a boat anchor. So I’m thinking these might be clear “caveats” when
choosing the right machine on my list:

10. The monitor is certified for low emissions by Jiffy Lube.

9. The logo on your receipt: International House of Lame Computers.

8. The infrared cordless keyboard has only 15 keys, and one of them is
marked Fast Forward.

7. You see the salesman you bought it from hawking genuine Rolexes on street
corners.

6. The sound board and speakers are a separate unit, and they receive only
AM.

5. Their ad campaign: PC? Apple? iPad? Laptop? Tablet? Those are so last
year. Try our nostalgic trip down memory lane with an 8088, 8-bit external
bus, 256 Hz 20 meg hard drive and amber screen!

4. It has only two expansion slots, and they just popped up a couple pieces
of toast.

3. It’s labeled “energy saving” only because there’s no power supply.

2. It looks just like one you got with your Happy Meal.

1. The sticker reads “Certified NVI” and fine print says “nothing of value
inside.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

07/10/14 Grif.Net – Better to Keep Your Mouth Shut

Here are some things you should learn NOT to say to a Police Officer that
pulls you over for speeding next time . .

~ Hey, you must’ve been doin’ at least 125mph to keep up with me!

~ Sorry, officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.

~ I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a
police officer.

~ Excuse me, is “stick up” hyphenated?

~ Ya know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school
instead.

~ Bad cop! No donut!

~ I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car
around; that’s how far I am behind the other cars.

~ You’re NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?

~ Didn’t I see you get your backside kicked on “COPS” last week on TV?

~ I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket

~ So, uh, you on the take, or what?

~ Gee, officer! That’s terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me
a warning too!

~ Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.

~ So, are you still crabby because your momma didn’t let you play with a
gun when you were little?

~ Hey is that a 9 mm? That’s nothing compared to the .44 magnum under my
seat.

~ When you smack me around, make sure you smile pretty for the camcorder.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

07/09/14 Grif.Net – Ways To Make Soccer More Exciting To Americans

[Found this in 1998 file (not a joke) so obviously horrific boredom with
soccer even four "world cup's" ago. Yeah some of these show their age and
others show why, in earlier days of the Grif.Net, we had too high of
standards of humor to stoop this low.]

Ties decided by which team’s hooligans vomit the furthest when kneed in the
stomach.

Oh, I don’t know, maybe using a little something called hands!

Foot-long cleats

Every so often, the final score could maybe be different from the starting
score.

Country A beats Country B — Country A owns Country B.

Change name to “Deathball 2000″

In front of each goal — a shark-filled moat.

Get Leonardo DiCaprio to declare that soccer is, like, way awesome.

Allow the use of hands, if they’re the hands you cut off an opposing player.

Tangled in the goal nets: Several angry, ravenous pit bulls.

Slowly driving around the field: O.J. in the white Bronco.

Use an oblong brown ball, change the rules, and call it “football.”

Bury a few land mines in the playing field, then sit back and watch the fun!

It doesn’t matter who wins or loses, because there’s a giant asteroid headed
straight for Earth on Y2K.

Start referring to Pele as “the inventor of the Slurpee.”

Whenever a goal is scored, Larry King has to get divorced and remarried.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

07/08/14 Grif.Net – Military Control

MILITARY ACRONYM LESSON: DEFINITIONS OF “FORMS OF CONTROL”

Some common ones everyone knows . . .
OPCON – Operational control of forces. Can be delegated to subordinates.
TACON – Tactical control. Limited to specific time and place.
ADCON – Administrative control. UCMJ authority and the like.

Less familiar . . .
NIKON – Exercising control of expensive Japanese camera equipment.
DEFCON – Exercising control over those with a severe loss of hearing.
EXCON – Exercising control of former prison inmates.
ICON – Self-control.
YUKON – Deferring control to someone else (see ICON).
MILCON – That control exercised over more than 999,999 individuals.
DECON – Exercising control over insects/pests through use of chemicals.
RECON – Exercising control again.
ECON – Control exercised by individuals over their financial resources.
JAMES CAAN – That control exercised by the Screen Actors Guild.
BEACON – Exercising control through the use of flashing lights.
SILICON – Exercising control of mirthful, inane shenanigans.
PROCON – That control exercised by non-amateurs.
FALCON – Exercising control of an F-16 aircraft.
BACON – Exercising control over production/distribution of pork products.
GARCON – Exercising control of snobbish French waiters.
MACON – Exercising control through the use of Southern sheriffs.
HELICON – That control exercised over rotary wing aircraft.
TELECON – Exercising control of forces thru hand-held communication devices.
LEXICON – Exercising control of expensive Japanese luxury cars.
DEACON – That control exercised by the Drug Enforcement Agency.
RAPCON – Control of so-called musical style exercised by teenagers.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

07/07/14 Grif.Net – Status Updates

[Friends post clever, sage and often funny "updates" on their Twitter or
Facebook accounts. Here are a few gleaned this past week.]

Shot my first turkey today. Now they’re talking about banning me from
Safeway for life.

If a man is alone in the woods and no woman can hear him, is he still wrong?

I still think 1990 was about 10 years ago.

I’m glad I don’t have to hunt for food. I don’t even know where sandwiches
live.

Love says, “I sacrifice myself for the good of the other person.”
Abortion says, “I sacrifice the other person for the good of myself.”

It’s raining, it’s pouring, Facebook is boring. I’m of to bed, to rest my
head I’ll see you all in the morning.

I saw a bumper sticker on a car that said “I miss Chicago”. So I broke the
window, stole the radio, shot two tires and left a note that read, “Hope
this helps”.

For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit
again to a yoke of slavery.

It is better to be alone, than being with someone who makes you feel alone

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Dear Monday,
I want to break up.
I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday.
Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.

Cops are looking for a missing person with messed up teeth, bad hair and a
butt-ugly face. I’m worried. Call me if your OK!

Life is really starting to cut into my Facebook time.

They say money can’t buy happiness. But money can buy chocolate and really,
what’s the difference?

If history repeats itself, I’m totally getting a dinosaur.

I think it’s okay to cry. Tears are sort of like liquid prayers.

I know the voices in my head aren’t real, but I like the way they think.

If when one door closes another door opens, I’d suggest moving. Your house
may be haunted.

The next time Satan reminds me of my past, I’m going to remind him of his
future.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

07/05/14 Weekend Grif.Net – Where Freedom is Still Free

In the far and mighty West,
Where the crimson sun seeks rest,
There’s a growing splendid state that lies above,
On the breast of this great land;
Where the massive Rockies stand,
There’s Wyoming young and strong, the State I love!

In the flowers wild and sweet,
Colors rare and perfumes meet;
There’s the columbine so pure, the daisy too,
Wild the rose and red it springs,
White the button and its rings,
Thou art loyal for they’re red and white and blue.

Where thy peaks with crowned head,
Rising until the sky they wed,
Sit like snow queens ruling wood and stream and plain;
‘Neath thy granite bases deep,
‘Neath thy bosom’s broadened sweep,
Lie the riches that have gained and brought thee fame.

Other treasures thou dost hold,
Men and women thou dost mould;
True and earnest are the lives that thou dost raise,
Strength thy children thou dost teach,
Nature’s truth thou givest to each,
Free and noble are the workings and thy ways.

In the nation’s banner free
There’s one star that has for me
A radiance pure and a splendor like the sun;
Mine it is, Wyoming’s star
Home it leads me near or far;
O Wyoming! All my heart and love you’ve won!

Chorus

Wyoming, Wyoming! Land of the sunlight clear!
Wyoming, Wyoming! Land that we hold so dear!
Wyoming, Wyoming! Precious art thou and thine!
Wyoming, Wyoming! Beloved state of mine.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

07/04/14 Grif.Net – Wildlife

[Yeppers. Another day of the week, another bushel basket of bad puns.]

The fish were shy, so I assumed they were obviously being koi.

If gophers become extinct, the hole ecosystem will die.

All waterfowl keep their eyes closed when landing except for one. Obviously
that is the Peking Duck.

Speaking of ducks, they do not need their palms read. They simply look for
it on the web.

Bear fights can often turn grizzly.

The trout got caught by the fisherman. Now he’s in a boatload of trouble.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

07/03/14 Grif.Net – Pets

[Yeah, I'm enjoying a week of word-play and lousy puns. Deal with it.]

My dog has a lot of potential, you just have to unleash it.

I wanted to bring a penguin home for a pet, but my parents said that wasn’t
going to fly.

It’s raining cats and dogs. No problem as long as it doesn’t reindeer.

When my Dalmatian ran away, he was spotted two blocks from home.

I signed a paper agreeing to watch my neighbor’s dog, but only if it didn’t
scratch me. It’s in the clause.

And the best of the day . . .
Neuter your dog – an ounce of prevention is better than a pound of curs.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”