Grif.Net

My biologist friend tells me that constantly developing new varieties of plant can be a strain. ~~ Did you hear about the new line of Elvis Presley-themed steakhouses? They will be for people who love meat tender. ~~ If a wolf can take down a deer from either flank, does…

Never stand between a dog and a hydrant. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows. No matter where you’re going, once you get there, there you are. All television is children’s television. When you do not know what you are doing, do…

[Jack forwarded this classic and I laughed anew.] The older brother was on vacation in Europe and his younger brother called him and said, “Your cat died.” The older brother is in tears. “I loved that cat. I’ve had that cat for 20 years. You can’t just blurt out bad…

[Long-time grif.net readers know I have ten grandkids who all need a laugh now and then . . rather than laughing at the weird grandpa] How can you tell vampires like baseball? They turn into bats every night! What did the skeleton say to the waitress? I’ll have a Coke…

My life flows on in endless song Above earth’s lamentation. I hear the real, though far off hymn That hails the new creation Above the tumult and the strife, I hear the music ringing; It sounds an echo in my soul How can I keep from singing? What though the…

Top Ten Signs that you’re too old for “Trick or Treating” this year . . 10. You get winded from knocking on the door. 9. You have another kid chew the candy for you. 8. You ask for high fiber candy only. 7. When someone drops a candy bar in…

“The fight we had last night was my fault. My wife asked me what was on the TV and I said dust.” “Before marriage, I yearned for the woman I loved. After marriage, the ‘y’ became silent.” “Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble started…

[And room for a few more Juli’ism updates. Last one for a while, I kinda promise.] I’ve decided that I’ll never get down to my original weight and I’m OK with that. After all, 5 pounds 5 oz. is just not realistic EGSG <– Scrambled eggs. The next time someone…

I’ll name the now-famous actor/actress. You match ’em to the correct occupation they had BEFORE they got famous. Answers tomorrow. Example: Clint Eastwood = x. Swimming Pool Cleaner 1. Dan Akroid 2. Tim Allen 3. Kathy Bates 4. Marlon Brando 5. Sandra Bullock 6. Drew Carey 7. Sean Connery 8.…

I have been in many places, but I’ve never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I’ve also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport; you…

BIBLICAL ALPHABET Although things are not perfect Because of trial or pain Continue in thanksgiving Do not begin to blame Even when the times are hard Fierce winds are bound to blow God is forever able Hold on to what you know Imagine life without His love Joy would cease…

It’s Friday so Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. “Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some major house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling all the heavy stuff.” “We’re short-handed, Smith,” the boss replies.…

[Recently we’ve receive a rash of letters from folks who would like to work for our clinic. Here are some “phrases” that, when I read, immediately mean filing the letter in the circular file.] “I’m really anxious to work for you and to have access to all those drugs.” “I…