Grif.Net

ON PUBLISHING: “Send in the details. Never mind the facts.” (Telegram from editor of New York World to his Washington correspondent) ON SPELLING: “This ain’t the way to spell my name.” (Baseball legend Yogi Berra when given a check saying “Pay to Bearer”) ON SUCCESS, EARLY SIGNS OF: “In the…

Some jokes are written. Even if they are stolen by other people, it’s not hard to track them down and find the original source. Other jokes form in the ‘ether’. They are the jokes forwarded to you by your parents, tweeted by fake celebrity accounts, posted on the Grif.Net by…

A piece of country road walked into the cafe and declared to all its occupants: “I’m the hardest bit of asphalt in the whole area!” The waitress stopped in her tracks and everyone was silent. After a brief pause, all eyes drop, the waitress starts to clear off a table,…

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers. I’m not just a gardener, I’m a Plant Manager. If idiots could fly, then the Grif.Net would be an airport. God did…

A king who did not believe in the goodness of God, had a slave who, in all circumstances would always say “My king, do not be discouraged, because everything God does is perfect. He makes no mistakes!” One day they went hunting and along the way a wild animal attacked…

“Sic semper tyrannus.” (Your dinosaur is ill.) “Veni, vidi, Pesci.” (I came, I saw, I moidered da bum.) “No Quid Pro Quo.” (I’m Sorry, We’re All Out of Quid.) “E pluribus septum” (Multiple nose piercings.) “Revelare Pecunia!” (Show Me The Money!) “Ignoramus microsoftis multa pecunia dat.” (They want me to…

I’d use hair dye but I don’t like to go against the grayin’ ~~ A couple of clams were eating chocolate bars while two fish watched. “Did you see that?” one fish said, as the clams finished their treat. “They didn’t offer us a single bite!” “What do you expect?”…

Am I too old to be Trick-or-Treating? Asked myself . . Do I get out of breath knocking on the door? Do I need someone to chew the candy for me? Do I ask for high-fiber candy? Do I lose your balance if someone drops a candy bar in my…

“Domino vobiscum.” The pizza guy is here.) “Auda similarum ad seattles.” (They all sound just like Pearl Jam.) “Sharpei diem.” (Sieze the wrinkled dog.) “Nucleo predicus dispella conducticus.” (Remove foil before microwaving.) “Motorolus interruptus.” (Hold on, I’m going into a tunnel.) “Bodicus mutilatimus, unemploymi forevercus.” (Better take the nose ring…

My I.Q. Test came back negative. Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. After four decimal places, nobody cares. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives. When camping at a public campground,…

Pastoral Search Report [forwarded by Bob W] We do not have a happy report to give. We have not been able to find a suitable candidate as a pastor for this church, though we have one promising prospect still. We do appreciate all the suggestions from the church members, and…

Hello, this is KGTC-FM. You are caller #9 and you’re on the air! ———– We’re sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again. ———– WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. But we’re not home right now. So leave…

[Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers of Casper, Wyoming] “Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn’t…