I was in Phoenix the other day and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car (obviously from a snowbird wintering in the Arizona warmth) that read: “I miss Chicago.” So, I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires, added an Obama bumper sticker…

[Borrowed from a FaceBook wall with no attribution/origin] 1. If you can get arrested for hunting or fishing without a license, but not for being in the country illegally, you might live in a country founded by geniuses but run by idiots. 2. If you have to get your parents…

Rich said two boys (an Irishman and a Norwegian – but feel free to change the ethnicity when you tell it) entered a chocolate store. As they were admiring all the candy, the Norwegian boy stole 3 chocolate bars. As they left the store, the Norwegian whispered to his friend,…

I’ve often joked that we stopped with 3 kids because we read that every 4th child born in the world was Chinese and we didn’t want to risk it. Ha Ha! Now I read on the internet (so it MUST be true) that a couple with nine kids went to…

[Took a walk in the park and while sitting, watching the joggers run past, I heard some other retirees talking] “My memory is bad.” “How bad is it?” “How bad is what?” ~~ “When I got up this morning I stretched and my elbows and shoulders went ‘crack’. I straightened…

Last night I was sitting with my wife and kids and talking about my Living Will and last wishes. I told them sincerely that “I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that happens, please just do me a…

[More funny or not-so-funny jokes for all ages] My friends tell me I’m too condescending. That means I talk down to people. What’s large, grey, and doesn’t matter? An irrelephant. Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! Knock-knock. Who’s there? To. To who? To…

[LMP sent this humor with an added political zinger so thought I’d wait for the weekend when we deal with more serious subjects to send it] President Obama walks into a local bank in Chicago to cash a check. He is surrounded by Secret Service agents. He approaches the cashier:…

[Here are some good “bad” jokes, as well as some bad “good” jokes. You judge.] My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers. To be honest, I should have seen the signs. Who will take the second shot in the pool game? Find out after…

[A month ago I share some “humor”. Here are some more of the “best” lines of late night comedians during the past year shared by some friends. “Best” is, of course, a matter of opinion.] “A company in Missouri is selling a glazed donut-flavored vodka. Which explains why last night…

[Here are a few signs that you may be drinking a little too much coffee. Enjoy it while I get another cup.] Juan Valdez named his mule after you. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. You can jump-start your car without cables. You do 20 miles…

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk’s hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him. “Guess what, sir?” the clerk said. “I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we’ve had so long!” “Do you…

It’s finally Spring. I’m so excited, I wet my plants. I tried to catch some fog in a bottle. I mist. Jokes about German sausages are the wurst. I’m offering free bungee jumps for the President and every Liberal in Congress. No strings attached. Mark it down; jokes about PMS…