Grif.Net

[I missed this on the wires, but Bob forwarded the news release] President Felipe Calderon of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not participate in the Beijing Summer Olympics. He stated: ‘Casi cada uno que puede funcionar, saltar, O la nadada ha salido ya del pais.’ Translation: ‘Pretty much everyone…

‘Some people!’ snorted a man standing some distance behind me in the long line at the grocery store. ‘You would think the manager would pay attention and open another line,’ said a woman. I looked to the front of the line to see what the hold up was and saw…

[Larry forwarded this irreverent summary of the Bible from little eyes] In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, ‘The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God…

The buzzword of this election is “CHANGE.” Candidates toss it around without saying what they want to change to. Years ago, there was a lieutenant who inspected his Marines and told the “Gunny” that they smelled bad. The lieutenant suggested that they change their underwear. The “Gunny” responded, “Aye, aye,…

[Joyce forwarded these examples of “speaking Suthran”] When you hear someone say, ‘Well, I caught myself lookin’,’ you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner! Only true Southerners say ‘sweet tea’ and ‘sweet milk.’ Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it — we…

Sue forwarded this from the “Scientific Journal of America”, June 1, 2008 Research has lead to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass…

Man: “Doc I am having a problem in remembering things.” Doc: “And when did this problem start?” Man: “Problem? What problem?” Man: “Doc, my wife thinks she’s a motorcycle.” Doc: “Give her this pill and she’ll be okay.” Man: “But if I do, how am I going to get home?”…

[Enjoyed celebrating our nation’s birthday last week, so here is a compilation of thoughts on our “real” roots often missing in modern textbooks] Did you know that 52 of the 55 signers of The Declaration of Independence were orthodox, deeply committed Christians? The other three all believed in the Bible…

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why…

LB writes that “The other day my neighbor came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy! I didn’t know why she was jumping so excitedly, but I thought, ‘What in the world??’, and I starting jumping up and down along with her. She said, ‘I have some…

[Many wrote after yesterday’s puns and said PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE. I assume they were begging for more!] The police caught a burglar last night when he broke into our home through the bathroom window. Evidently he landed on the bathroom scale and gave himself a weigh. ~~ The price of…

[A few ba-a-a-a-a-d word plays for July] Ever since my friend had all the digits amputated from his feet, I find him very annoying. I think I might be lack-toes intolerant. ~~~ The policeman pulled over a car onto the side of the road and walked over to the driver.…

My friend Jim came by the house on his way home from the doctor looking very worried. Naturally I asked, “What’s the problem?” Jim answered, “The doctor told me I have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life.” “So what?” I replied. “I know lots…