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THAT’S LIFE: A CENSUS POEM [Published in the July 2007 edition of Royal Statistical Society News, London] He said “Your occupation please”, This census-taking guy. I started to enumerate And said quite frankly, “I Wash the dishes, scrub the floors, Shine the windows, polish doors, Bathe three children, wipe their…

[I am presently putting together an 8-generation “tree” for my grandkids, in hopes they will find roots. It is a challenge for sure. Here are some random thoughts.] The only thing I know for sure is that I come from a long line of dead people. Can a first cousin,…

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river!” With even greater emphasis he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and…

In the beginning God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. Then using God’s great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry’s and Krispy Kreme. And Satan said, “You want…

An older minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made. The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes. When asked about this by some…

This Kentucky horse breeder had a filly that won every race in which she was entered. But as she got older she became very temperamental. He soon found that when he raced her in the evening, she would win handily, but when she raced during the day she would come…

Dorothy lost hers. I forgot mine. My wife broke hers. I speak of shoes, of course. So why are we all smiling? Dorothy is that sweet little girl who broke in that bustin’ bronco of a tornado, landing in Oz and inheriting magic ruby slippers from a dead wicked witch.…

10. Babes are always kissing you because they think you’ll turn into a prince. 9. Flies in your soup are a bonus. 8. You’re above toads on the food chain. 7. Green goes with absolutely everything! 6. ‘Pond Scum’ is a term of endearment. 5. You can eat almost anything…

After years of using the same perfumes, my wife decided to try something different and settled on a light, citrusy fragrance. The next day she was surprised that is was her little grandson, not me, who first noticed the change. As he put his arms around G’ma, he declared, “Wow,…

Three animals were having an argument in the forest over who was the greatest. The hawk said he was best because of his great vision and ability to fly. The lion claimed superiority because of his speed and strength and title King of the Jungle. The skunk insisted that his…

At the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, “And what starting salary were you looking for?” The Engineer replied, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The interviewer enquired, “Well, what would you say…

He was a mediocre conductor of a mediocre orchestra. He had been having problems with the basses; they were the least professional of his musicians. It was the last performance of the season, Beethoven’s 9th Symphony, which required extra effort from the basses at the end. Earlier that evening, he…

[copied, source unknown] It’s not often women win the Masters Golf Tournament, but they did Sunday. Actually, Phil Mickelson won, but for millions of women around the country, it must feel like a victory. Mickelson, in case you forgot, is the guy who stayed true to his wife. He’s the…