Grif.Net

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. = He thought he was God and I didn’t.   I used to have a handle on life, but it = broke.   You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to = me.   I’m not a compete idiot — some…

Jesus loves me, this I know, Though my hair is white as snow. Though my sight is growing dim, Still He bids me trust in Him. (CHORUS) Though my steps are oh, so slow, With my hand in His I’ll go On through life, let come what may, He’ll be…

[Errata – “Concord Hymn” was written by Emerson, not Longfellow. Glad that yesterday’s grif.net was a blessing to those who, like me, are sticklers for detail and pointed out in many emails from those who saw the glitch. Happy to provide fodder.] For those who push speed limits, here are…

By the rude bridge that arched the = flood, Their flag to April’s breeze = unfurled, Here once the embattled farmers = stood, And fired the shot heard round the = world.   The foe long since in silence = slept; Alike the conqueror silent = sleeps; And Time the…

[Helping students see history on this important April = day]   Teacher: What happened as a result of the Stamp Act? = Student: The Americans licked the British!   Teacher: Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell? = Student: Yeah, it cracked me up!   Teacher: What was…

Heard it was “Tax Season”, so assumed I can hunt any IRS agent I see. Anyone know it there is a limit on ’em? Two things you need to know about taxes. They’ve extended the deadline to April 17, and when you write your check, just make it out to…

1 – I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. 2 – I’m not really out of the office. I’m just ignoring you. 3 – You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office.…

I was asked, “How should one celebrate the days after Easter?” So I looked it up on beliefnet and found a great suggestion. Celebrate “with a good laugh, of course. Better yet, with a party, a really fun party.” Far from being a strange, new idea, this is actually a…

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success. You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today. A thing not worth doing isn’t worth doing well. BTW, if a thing is worth doing,…

When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried. No one gets sick on Wednesdays. The longer the title, the less important the job. Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the…

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: “HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.” A short time afterwards, a Border Collie trotted up to the…

At our church we welcome all denominations (but we prefer tens and twenties) At our church ‘life after death for sinners’ has always been a hot topic At our church donating items to sit on is called chairity. At our church if you aren’t decently dressed, “No shoes, no shirt,…

The church janitor was also the organist, so he had to watch his keys and pews. Don’t swear at your hairpiece or you will have the devil toupee. I once considered becoming a monk when I was young but I was cloisterphobic. It is probable that the hawk that landed…