Grif.Net

A woman brought a very limp duck into the veterinarian clinic. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has…

Reflection: Ten years ago on Mother’s Day I broke my foot. No pain. Wife looked at toes (2 at 90 degree right angle from side of foot). She reset them. Still no pain. On Monday May 12, 2003 I went to the foot doctor for x-rays and a “boot”. He…

A distinguished clergyman and his friend were playing golf. It was a very close match, and at the last hole the clergyman teed up, addressed the ball, and swung his driver with great force. The ball, instead of sailing down the fairway, merely rolled off the tee and settled slowly…

[Jack, a long-time Grif.Net aficionado from Maine, relates this true story] Dr. Cutter is our local Veterinarian, and well-known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him after an encounter with a porcupine. After almost an hour of prying, pulling,…

[Rules for Possessions . . of Toddlers and Democrats] 1. If I like it, it’s mine. 2. If it’s in my hand, it’s mine. 3. If I can take it from you, it’s mine. 4. If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine. 5. If it’s mine, it…

If you are traveling soon, consider Lutheran Air, the no-frills airline. You’re all in the same boat on Lutheran Air, where flying is an uplifting experience. There is no First Class on any Lutheran Air flight. Meals are potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls, 7-15 bring a salad, 16-21 a main…

If guns are outlawed, what will we shoot liberals with? – Wyoming Bumper Sticker of the Week ^^^^^ A mother and daughter were picking strawberries. Mom shared her fond memory, “I am so glad we got to pick strawberries together. I remember this exact spot when I was your age…

After learning my flight was detained 4 hours, I heard the announcement: if anyone in the vicinity of gate 4-A understands any Arabic, please come to the gate immediately. Well, one pauses these days. Gate 4-A was my own gate. I went there. An older woman in full traditional Palestinian…

This list is circulating among Forest Service employees. These are actual comments left last year on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips: “A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed?…

[DJ in British Columbia send in these actual excerpts from students Science Exam answers (names of students and teachers are held in strict confidence). Can’t make this stuff up!] Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards. The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now. To remove…

Everyone knows about Afro-American Speak — Ebonics (“Ebony” + “Phonics”). But have you heard about . . Irish-American Speak — Leprechaunics Native-American Speak — Kimosabics Italian-American Speak — Rigatonics Chinese-American Speak — Won-tonics Japanese-American Speak — Mama-san-ics Polish-American Speak — Kielbasanics Jewish-American Speak — Zionics Russian-American Speak — Rasputonics Spanish-American…

Many college students cannot afford a personal computer so the generous faculty of our school have cleverly substituted an “Etch-A-Sketch” model computer to them. Here are some early responses from Post-term . . Q My Etch-A-Sketch has a distorted display. A Pick it up and shake it. Q My Etch-A-Sketch…

1. Do they have a 4th of July in England? 2. How many birthdays does the average man have? 3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28? 4. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar’s sister, but the beggar is not the woman’s…