Grif.Net

[First of the month and my duty is to find lame and pathetic puns. This month also contains sacrilege. You’re welcome.] Forrest Gump’s internet password is 1Forrest1 ~~~ A backward poet writes inverse. ~~ A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. ~~ I’ve heard that Sea…

[How we look at things and how we describe them often is a good indication if we are a DEMOCRAT or REPUBLICAN, a LIBERAL or CONSERVATIVE. See if YOU can tell the difference.] Arsenal of Attack Weapons . . . or Gun Collection Delicate Wetlands . . . or Swamp…

When you take a long time, you’re slow. When your boss takes a long time, he’s thorough. When you don’t do it, you’re lazy. When your boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy. When you make a mistake, you’re an idiot. When your boss makes a mistake, he’s only human.…

A young engineer was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. “Listen,” said the CEO, “this is important, and my secretary has left for the day. Can you make this thing work?”…

Years ago Ann Landers printed these answers by fifth and sixth graders to various science test questions: “The law of gravity says it’s no fair jumping up without coming back down.” “You can listen to thunder and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don’t hear it,…

[I have noticed at our bank that there are two types of people driving into the ATM lane. The division often, coincidentally, by gender. Wonder which are guys and which are gals? Hmm.] TYPE 1: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Insert card 3. Enter PIN number and account 4.…

[Advice found on FaceBook:] ~ Silence is golden. Unless you have a preschooler, then silence is suspicious. ~ Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso. ~ When a man marries a woman, they become one; the trouble starts when they try to…

There was a group of women at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband. They were asked, “How many of you love your husbands?” Of course, all the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, “When was the last time you told your…

Did you know that a TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer? Did you know that driving thru the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally is a really bad time for your car horn to stick? Did you know that “vegetarian” is an old Indian word for…

A friend (who also shares the great name of Bob) said “Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn’t you say? I read – ‘Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter’ in the Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or…

[More useful phrases for teachers to remember when dealing with students, parents or the administration in weeks to come. You’re welcome.] I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but…

A farmer was driving very slowly along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, “What’ve you got in your wagon?” “Manure,” the farmer replied. “What are you going to do with it?” asked the little boy. “Put…

[Yep. Gotta have some bad puns and word play every few months about COFFEE!] Does my coffee taste like mud because it was ground a couple of minutes ago? Is the crime of stealing someone’s coffee listed as a ‘mugging’? When he spilled coffee on her shirt she showed him…