Grif.Net

Did you hear about the bandit that held up a Chinese restaurant? Half an hour later he was broke. Did you hear about the butcher who accidentally backed into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work. Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from…

Big party at the Assisted Living residence when I arrived. I asked, “What’s the cause of all the excitement?” A CNA replied, “We’re celebrating the birthday of our oldest resident. She’s a hundred and five today.” “Wow! No wonder every looks to happy! But who is that fellow about my…

“You say that you want some name engraved on this ring,” said the jeweler to the bashful young man. “Yes. I want the words, ‘Justin, to his dearest Amanda’ engraved on the inside of the ring.” “Is the young lady your sister?” He look up incredulously. “Of course not. She’s…

Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they either haven’t thought about it, don’t have it on their schedule, didn’t know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine. I got to thinking about all those women on the Titanic who…

Went to a fancy restaurant and enjoyed the ambiance. Soon the waiter came by and asked, “May I take your order?” So I wondered, “Yes you may. But first, how do you prepare your chickens?” “Nothing special, sir,” he replied. “We just tell them straight out that they’re going to…

[Here are ten things I know about all who enjoy the Grif.Net daily blog] 1) You are reading today’s Grif.Net humor right now. 2) You live on planet Earth. 3) You can’t say the letter “P” without separating your lips. 4) You just attempted to do it. 6) You are…

Advice is cheap – but some things are priceless. Here is some wisdom from 19 years of the grif.net blog (can you imagine I’ve been doing this that long?) *Insomnia: “Sleep on the very edge of the bed and you will soon drop off.” *Survival: “Think. It’s what you do…

Here is a simple quiz (1 in 50 chance of getting the answer right, since every answer is at least one State) 1. State with the longest coastline? 2. State with the shortest coastline (if it has any coast; many states are landlocked and have none)? 3. States that border…

[12 days in and mine are still holding up] I will never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times just to be sure. I will try to avoid people during the flu season. And the other nine months of the year, too. I will try…

[A friend sent this report on a special Christmas present] Paul received an automobile from his brother the stock broker as a Christmas present. On Christmas Eve when Paul came out of his office, a street urchin was walking around the shiny new car, admiring it. “Is this your car,…

One of my friends sent this “oldie but goodie” about the Snowbirds who leave the frozen tundra and head to Phoenix or Tucson for the winter. You know you’re in Arizona in January because: Every restaurant in your town has the first name “El” or “Los”. You think six tons…

From the “You think it is cold where you live?” file: Friend in Minneapolis texted her husband this winter’s morning: “Windows frozen, won’t open.” Husband texts back: “Gently pour some lukewarm water over it.” Five minutes later the wife texted back: “Computer is really screwed up now.” ~~ Dr Bob…

I figured out why I’m fat! I shampoo in the shower every day. The shampoo that I use in the shower for my hair runs down my body. On its label it has printed very clearly this warning: ‘For extra body and volume.’ No wonder I’ve been gaining weight! So…