Grif.Net

[Jessica sent this in and blessed my heart] When I took my young cousin to a carnival in Ottawa, I bought her a helium balloon. She carried it around all day without breaking or losing it. After we returned to my house, she began running around the yard, tripped and…

[Tim in Texas sent in these clues about high-tech Rednecks] You KNOW you are a “High-Tech Redneck” if . . **You take your smart phone to the outhouse to read your e-mail. **Your e-mail address ends in “.over.yonder.com.” **Your computer is worth more than all your cars combined. **Your presence…

A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest…

[Much has been written about the recent Court decisions in the US. Here is the conclusion by one of the Justices himself, and my own position.] “I write separately to call attention to this Court’s threat to American democracy. This practice of constitutional revision by an unelected committee of nine,…

[For July/August, each Friday Grif.Net will focus on real Newspaper Headlines garnered over the past years] March Planned For Next August Blind Bishop Appointed to See Lingerie Shipment Hijacked – Thief Gives Police the Slip L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal by Landslide Patient at Death’s Door – Doctors Pull Him…

An old Geezer retired from farming but soon became very bored. He had “doctored” his cows over the years, so he opened a “clinic” and put an ad out that read: “Doc Geezer’s: Get Cured, $500. If I can’t Cure you, Get Back $1,000.” In town, a young lawyer was…

[Final batch of tips for effective driving in California] **If California Highway Patrol attempts to pull you over, hit the accelerator. You won’t get away, but it’s guaranteed you’ll make live TV. Towards the end of the chase, be sure to throw random items out of your window. It will…

[More driving tips from my weeks observing California drivers] **If you miss your exit, no worries. Just cut across six lanes of traffic and drive over the divider. If you really weren’t supposed to cross it, they would make it out of concrete instead of little yellow markers. **For parking…

[Two weeks in both rural and urban areas of the Land of Fruits and Nuts (California) have given me new insights into rules for driving. All of them observed by drivers around me.] **When using a metered entrance ramp on I-5, vehicles in the carpool lane do not need to…

I do not choose to be a common man. It is my right to be uncommon, if I can. ~ I seek opportunity, not security. ~ I do not wish to be a kept citizen, humbled, dulled, by having the state look after me. ~ I want to take the…

[Catching a couple flights, so time to work on “Murphy’s Laws for Airplane Passengers”. Would appreciate any help for grif.net readers] 1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight. 2. If you are running late for a flight,…

Heard about the driver of the shuttle bus at Angel’s Stadium. Got up to the gate area and the door opened to unload. He then gave this two-phased advice: “When you exit the bus, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step.” Then he added, “If you…

[Yes, time again for our monthly truly memorable puns and word plays] I couldn’t afford to buy cotton so I decided to be abrasive and steel wool. I burned my tongue eating gourmet food, but it was labeled haute cuisine. Our local bailiff moonlights as a bartender. Heard he serves…