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DID YOU HEAR . . . About the cadet that said bad things about West Point? He was expelled for being rotten to the corps. About the lady who saw a sign at the movies that said 50 cents for servicemen? She paid $5.00 and asked for six paratroopers and…

Bank robber John Dillinger played professional baseball. If you toss a penny 10,000 times, it will not be heads 5,000 times, but more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom. Los Angeles’s full name is “El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de…

Today is the “official” observance of Memorial Day. But did you know that the original Memorial Day was observed on April 26 in Alabama, Florida, Georgia, and Mississippi; on May 10 in North Carolina and South Carolina; on May 30 in Virginia; and on June 3 in Kentucky, Louisiana, and…

Memorial Day weekend was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. “We live in a great country,” she said. “One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free.” One little boy came walking…

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation’s driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.) At least a California grif.net reader swears they are real. Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?…

Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer. People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl. Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can’t understand you through that scuba mask. Every time the phone rings,…

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office. “Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?” “Yes, I’m afraid so,” the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, “I’m…

[Look at yourself in the mirror this morning and affirm who you are!] I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else’s fault. I no longer need to punish, deceive…

[MY APOLOGY for the messed up half-finished grif.net I was working on. As many know, I have a disease affecting hands and feet . . and evidently I hit something and instead of saving it to finish up in 10 days, it was sent unfinished last night. Duh. Spam-R-Us. I’m…

BE THANKFUL Be thankful that you don’t already have everything you desire. If you did, what would there be to look forward to? Be thankful when you don’t know something, for it gives you the opportunity to learn. Be thankful for the difficult times. During those times you grow. Be…

Useful Metric Conversions You Won’t Learn in School * 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone * 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds * 10 cards = 1 decacards * 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche * 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake * 1 trillion pins = 1…

“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I’ll never know. But then we tried to get his tusks off, which was very difficult. Of course in Alabama, the Tuscaloosa. But that’s entirely irrelephant to what I was talking about…” “I never forget…

We all remember PIG Latin from childhood games. Some of us enjoy REAL Latin as well. But what about FISH Latin? Caviar Emptor – Beware of the fish. Carp Diem – Seize the fish. Veni, Vidi, Fishy – I came, I saw, I fished. Cod Erat Demonstrandum – Proving the…