04/24/14 Grif.Net – Cave-in

The Seven Dwarfs are in a cave when the roof collapses. Snow White runs to
the entrance and yells into the darkness, “Somebody, say something!”

A distant voice responds, “The Cubs will win the World Series!”

Snow White sighs, “Oh, thank goodness! At least Dopey is still alive!”

[Feel free to use this to slam any team, political party, rival city, etc.
Obviously chose this to celebrate the 100th anniversary of Wrigley Field]

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

04/23/14 Grif.Net – Another Day

Yesterday I decided to work in my garden.

As I turn on the hose, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the table that I collected
from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the
car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the waste paper basket
under the table, and notice that it is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash
first.

But then I think, since I’m going to be near the post-box when I take out
the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my
desk where I find the cup of coffee I’d been drinking.

I’m going to look for my checks, but first I need to set the coffee cup
aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.

The coffee is getting cold, and I decide to put it in the microwave to
reheat it a bit.

As I head toward the kitchen with the mug, a vase of flowers on the dining
room table catches my eye – they need water.

I put the coffee on the table and discover my reading glasses that I’ve been
searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the
flowers. I set the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with
water and suddenly spot the TV remote control.

Someone left it on the kitchen counter! I realize that tonight when we watch
TV, I’ll be looking for the remote control, but I won’t remember that it’s
on the kitchen counter, so I decide to put it back in the living room where
it belongs. But first I’ll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote control back on the counter, get some paper towels and
wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

- the car isn’t washed

- the bills aren’t paid

- there is a lukewarm mug of coffee sitting on the dining room table

- the flowers don’t have enough water

- there is still only one check in my check book

- I can’t find the remote control

- I can’t find my glasses

- and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really
baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I’m really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it,
but first I’ll check my e-mail.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

04/22/14 Grif.Net – Dreaded Words

[Zits cartoon in the newspaper about a high school boy stimulated this. Some
from today, some from my generation, and some my memories of that age.]

What are the most dreaded words in the English language to a high school
boy?

*License and registration, please . .

*Turn your head and cough . .

*Better luck next time you take the test . .

*That’s NOT how you put that strap on . .

*You have been selected by your friends and neighbors . .

*Why, when I was your age . .

and the worst?

*Your mother and I have been talking . . ”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

04/21/14 Grif.Net – Quotes from Menus

[Enjoy down-home small-town restaurants without the fancy menus all
laminated and cute. These are actual "phrases/quotations/jokes" found on
menus at places in which I like to dine, though not all in my area.]

Go ahead. Have dessert. It’s not like the rest of the meal was lo-cal.

Our favorite food is ‘seconds’.

This cake recipe is silly. It says to separate 2 eggs, but it doesn’t say
how far apart.

We don’t serve snails here. We serve fast food.

Never eat more than you can lift.

Refuse to spend your life worrying about what you eat. There’s no pleasure
worth foregoing just for an extra 3 years in the geriatric ward.

The most remarkable thing about our Chef is that for 30 years she served
only leftovers. We have never found the original meal.

Some things you have to do every day. Eating seven apples on Saturday night
instead of one each day just isn’t going to get the job done.

Part of the secret to success is to eat what you like and let the food fight
it out on the inside.

Always take a good look at what you’re about to eat. It’s not so important
to know what it IS, but it’s critical to know what it WAS.

Anybody can make you enjoy the first bite of a dish, but only OUR chef can
make you enjoy the last.

At our restaurant we are not interested in justice; we’re interested in
peace and quiet.

Don’t take a butcher’s advice on how to cook meat. If he knew, he’d be a
chef.

Nobody’s last words have ever been “I wish I’d eaten more rice cakes”.

Health is the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

If you read about the ill effects of drinking, we guarantee you will give up
reading.

Eat Wyoming Beef. If fish is brain food, why are sharks so stupid?

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

04/19/14 Weekend Grif.Net – Not My Book to Change

“When people say, ‘Why don’t you just kind of get on the right side of
history?’ I said, ‘You’ve got to understand, this for me is not about the
right side or the wrong side of history. This is the right side of the
Bible, and unless God rewrites it, edits it, sends it down with His
signature on it, it’s not my Book to change.”

Former Gov Mike Huckabee, addressing the subject of homosexual so-called
‘marriage’ in a speech in Iowa April 8th, 2014

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

04/18/14 Grif.Net – New Trainee

A young fellow got a job as a trainee in a supermarket.

On his first day at work, he came in early, eager to make a fresh beginning.
The manager welcomed him with a warm smile and giving him a broom, said,
“Your first job will be to sweep the floor.”

The young guy protested, “But I’m a college graduate”

“Oh, I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize that,” said the manager. “Here, hand me
the broom, and I’ll take a minute to show you how to sweep the floor.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

04/17/14 Grif.Net – Too Much Time on FaceBook

Here are some warning signs that you may be spending too much time on
Facebook or Twitter or texting online

Tech Support calls “YOU” for queries.

When an office colleague shares a joke and you say “LOL” out loud.

You discover yourself trying to cock your head 90 degrees when you smile.

When at work, your boss frequently reminds you that the word “i” should be
capitalized.

You barely notice anymore when someone has a typo.

You discontinue talking in full sentences.

You have formed the habit of double clicking your TV remote.

You have an identity crisis when you learn of someone using a screen name
close to your own.

You are confused as to who you are, having changed your screen names so many
times.

You say “Scroll up” when a friend asks, “What did you say?”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

04/16/14 Grif.Net – Not-So-Famous Sayings

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.

Love doesn’t make the world go ’round, but it makes the ride worthwhile.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

Lead me not into temptation, for I can find the way myself.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

04/15/14 Grif.Net – Not Sure about the New Guy

I am afraid I might have hired a “redneck” at our workplace. Need others to
be the judge but so far I’ve noticed . . .

1. He calls his computer mouse a ‘critter’.

2. He has a gun-rack mounted on the CPU.

3. His password is ‘bubba’.

4. He put a ‘Dale Earnhardt for President’ sticker over the Apple Logo.

5. He leaves whiskey-colored stains on outgoing faxes.

6. He asked for a slow printer since he doesn’t read very fast.

7. He installed Dodge truck parts in the extra RAM slots of his PC.

8. He added Cracker Barrel, Waffle House, Chick-fil-A and Whataburger
pop-ups to all his on-screen ‘menus’.

9. You find a skoal can hidden in the CD-ROM.

10. His monitor is up on cinder blocks.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

04/14/14 Grif.Net – Signs in the Kitchen

“My Favorite Thing to Make for Dinner is Reservations”

“I Only Have a Kitchen Because It Came with the House”

“I Hate When I go to the Kitchen to Get some Food and Only Find Ingredients”

“My Cooking is Fabulous. Even the Smoke Alarm is Cheering Me On”

“A Balanced Diet is a Cookie in Each Hand”

“A Clean House Is a Sign of a Misspent Life”

“A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out the Trash and Gives the Impression He
Just Cleaned the Whole House”

“A Messy Kitchen Is a Happy Kitchen… And This Kitchen Is Delirious”

“Countless Number of People Have Eaten in this Kitchen and Gone On to Lead
Normal Lives”

“Help Keep Our Kitchen Clean – Order Pizza”

“Housework Done Properly Can Kill You”

“My Next House Will Have No Kitchen – Just Vending Machines”

“No Husband Has Ever Been Shot While Doing the Dishes”

“Thou Shalt Not Weigh More than Thy Refrigerator”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

04/12/14 Weekend Grif.Net – Tax Time Promises

Top 10 Things You Won’t Have to Worry About on April 15th (tax day) ~

10. The Bible will still have the answers.

9. Prayer will still work.

8. The Holy Spirit will still move.

7. God will still inhabit praise.

6. There will still be anointed preaching.

5. There will still be the singing of praise.

4. God will still pour out blessings on His people.

3. There will be room at the cross for His children.

2. Jesus loves you.

And the number one thing you won’t have to worry about on April 15th (or
any other day)?

1. Jesus still saves.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

04/11/14 Grif.Net – New Bumper Stickers

“HONK, IF YOU LOVE PEACE AND QUIET”

“WE ARE STAYING TOGETHER FOR THE SAKE OF OUR CATS”

“IF YOU CAN READ THIS, I CAN SLAM ON MY BRAKES AND SUE YOU”

“DON’T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU THINK”

“THIS VEHICLE PROTECTED BY ANTI-THEFT BUMPER STICKER”

“I’M GONNA SURVIVE EVEN IF IT KILLS ME”

“BACK OF MY CAR”

“PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE SCREAMING IN THE TRUNK”

“DRIVER CARRIES NO CASH. I’M MARRIED”

“YES, THIS IS MY TRUCK. NO, I WON’T HELP YOU MOVE”

“333 – I’M ONLY HALF EVIL”

“IF YOU DON’T LIKE THE WAY I’M DRIVE, YOU COME GET THESE HANDCUFFS OFF”

“THOU SHALT NOT STEAL. THE IRS HATES COMPETITION”

~~
ANSWERS TO BED BUG QUIZ
1. Chicago, IL
2. Los Angeles, CA
3. Columbus, OH
4. Detroit, MI
5. Cincinnati, OH
6. Cleveland, OH
7. Dayton, OH
8. Washington DC
9. Denver, CO
10. Indianapolis, IN

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

04/10/14 Grif.Net – Bed Bug Quiz

Reading an article by Orkin on Bed Bug infestations and their own research
as to the “leading” (not sure that is the right category to “lead” in) US
cities in the past year.

I was surprised that SEVEN of the top ten (or worse ten) were in the Midwest
and within 300 miles of each other. SO, am giving a “top ten” quiz, with
the three non-Midwest cities already in correct place.

All the others have just a first initial and it is up to you . .

1. C
2. Los Angeles, CA
3. C
4. D
5. C
6. C
7. D
8. Washington DC
9. Denver, CO
10. I

Scratch away . . answers tomorrow.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”