03/10/10 Grif.Net – Pig Farmers

Pig farmers have never done well in the United States. Most Americans prefer
beef to pork. Hamburger is an American favorite but contains no ham. The
porcine raisers were hopeful to see a significant increase in their business
after the scares about health over beef, but most of the benefits had gone
to the poultry and fish industries. Sale of ham and bacon remained virtually
unchanged.

Because of this, the National Porcine Association hired a major Madison
Avenue advertising firm to boost sale of pork products. They decided on an
intensive campaign to saturate magazines television and radio with ads
urging people to eat pork patties.

The campaign was given an extra boost when Congress was convinced to
designate the second of February as the day when every family would be urged
to eat pork sausage. That day would be celebrated nationally, of course, as
Ground Hog Day.

Now you know the “rest of the story”

 ~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

03/09/10 Grif.Net – March Pun

There is evidence that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers, but
unfortunately all the league records were destroyed in a fire.

Thus we’ll sadly never know for whom the Tells bowled.

 ~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

03/08/10 Grif.Net – Collecting Unemployment

HardPreacher in Virginia found out I was turning 62 this week and starting
on Social Security. So He wrote his experience with the government . . .

“I went down this morning to sign up my dog for welfare. At first the lady
said, ‘Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare.’

So I explained to her that my dog is unemployed, lazy, can’t speak English
and has no clue who his daddy is. So she looked in her policy book to see
what it takes to qualify.

My dog gets his first check Friday. Is this a great country or what?”

~~ 
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

03/08/10 Grif.Net – Collecting Unemployment

HardPreacher in Virginia found out I was turning 62 this week and starting
on Social Security. So He wrote his experience with the government . . .

“I went down this morning to sign up my dog for welfare. At first the lady
said, ‘Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare.’

So I explained to her that my dog is unemployed, lazy, can’t speak English
and has no clue who his daddy is. So she looked in her policy book to see
what it takes to qualify.

My dog gets his first check Friday. Is this a great country or what?”

~~ 
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

03/06/10 Weekend Grif.Net – Musings on God’s Goodness

When in the hot tub working on my legs/feet for therapy, I sing. Sometimes I
have ear buds in and must sound odd to any overhearing my singing harmony or
bass. But in the cool (40F) still night air yesterday I just sang hymn after
hymn until tears came.

I was thinking of challenges to my life today . . . and realize that I have
the strength in the Lord to endure some pretty major events TODAY because of
what happened in March 1973. This month I hit social security, glad to be
alive almost 7 years after being given months to live. My children are all
in full-time ministry, my 10 grandchildren healthy. My wife’s health is
tenuous, but there is hope.

Some Grif.Net readers may not know much about me. I had finished seminary
and entered the full-time pastorate in Dec 1970 as an associate in a large
suburban church. Then two years later called to pastor a small rural
congregation in the middle of Wisconsin and made the move. For a few months,
all was a “honeymoon”. Then came March, 1973.

March 1, 1973 – Funeral for a baby. A farmer gave birth to a baby with
terminal defects. My wife was 9+ months pregnant with our first, so to say
it was “trying” for us was an understatement. I visited in the hospital,
then in the home, then over the casket of a tiny one – my first funeral in
that church.

March 3, 1973 – My wife gave birth to our son, who was healthy, but my wife
was so anemic and weak that doctors had great concern. Her parents quickly
came from Wyoming to help nurse her to health and help with the baby as
Teresa was bedridden and very weak.

March 6, 1973 – I stood for ordination. After 6 hours of questioning and
demonstrating competence for the ministry those ordained men of the council
laid hands on me. My wife was allowed out of the hospital to stand by me,
but paid dearly for it in her fragile condition.

March 14, 1973 – I turned 25 with my whole life planned out (in my mind).
Move over Billy Graham . . . But God had twists and turns I’d never have
dreamed of.

March 21, 1973 – My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer (she had surgery
later, but refused chemo/radiation and lived until 1984 when it metastasized
to her brain)

God saw me thru some trying times those three weeks in March, preparing me
for greater challenges ahead. And the song I was singing last night in the
dark, with words washing over my soul?

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

I choked up on the last few lines of that verse, but peace flooded my heart
because I had a renewed confidence of God’s sovereign, loving care. God is
still in control. Even the wind and waves know that; why don’t I? Though He
slay me, still will I trust Him.

 ~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

03/05/10 Grif.Net – Computer Funnies

I was enjoying surfing the net at “breakfast.com” when the computer froze
up. I guess the cereal port was not responding

Of course part of my computer is shot. It was a graphic display.

So I went shopping and asked if I bought a computer today would it still be
good in five years. The sales clerk say, “Obsoletely.”

But it must be tough to work in the computer industry when the chips are
down.

At least the store’s promotion was valid – they said they were giving out
dead computer batteries free of charge.

~~ 
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

03/04/10 Grif.Net – A Stock Market Report

[And people wonder why I don't have much money in my IRA. Look at what my
broker told me about buying stocks.]

Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

 ~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

03/03/10 Grif.Net – English

No quiz, but since you are sitting at a keyboard, here are some fun English
facts that you can try out for yourself (and impress your friends by asking
them for the answers!)

“Stewardesses” is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

“Lollipop” is the longest word typed with your right hand.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or
purple.

“Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters ‘mt’.

The sentence: ‘The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog’ uses every
letter of the alphabet.

The most common word with three double letters in a row is “bookkeeper”.

There are only four words in the English language which end in ‘dous’:
tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in
order: abstemious’ and facetious.

“Typewriter” is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on
one row of the keyboard.

The average person’s left hand, NOT their right hand, does 56% of the
typing.

~~ 
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

03/02/10 Grif.Net – Drink of Water

[My eldest son turns 37 today. This is NOT a story about him. But it could
be.]

Little Jeremiah’s father had already tucked him into bed. They had enjoyed a
bedtime story, prayers and a good-night hug and kiss. It was time to sleep.
Not five minutes later, little Jeremiah called out, “Da-a-a-ad!”

“What, son?”

“I’m thirsty. Can I have a drink of water.”

“No. You already had a drink of water. Go to sleep, son.”

Three minutes passed. Then the little boy was at it again. “Da-a-a-ad!”

“What is it?”

“I’m still thirsty. Please! Please! Please! Can I have a drink of water?”

“I already told you no. Ask me again, and I will have to spank you.”

Two minutes later, Jeremiah yelled, “Da-a-a-ad!”

“What is it now?”

“When you come in here to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?”

~~ 
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

03/01/10 Grif.Net – From the Police Blotter

From our small town Police Blotter –

In my neighborhood, a local manufacturing business was broken into last
night and a large quantity of wigs was stolen. Police are currently combing
the area for clues.

The toilet was stolen out of Precinct 17. Police are searching for the
culprit, but admit that they still have nothing to go on.

A woman was arrested for palm reading, but slipped out of custody because
she was only 4′6″ tall and no one saw her go. There is an all-points-
bulletin out for a “Small Medium at Large”.

Police were confronted along the road by an Amish woman. Evidently she had
decided to walk home from town because her husband was driving her buggy.

A patrol cruiser stopped after finding an 8-foot piece of rope along the
yellow line. The officer thought about filing a report, but decided to skip
it.

Officers responded to a call at the high school. Seems a mischievous youth
brought a rubber band pistol to algebra class. The teacher wanted him
arrested for carrying a weapon of math disruption.

~~ 
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

02/27/10 Weekend Grif.Net – How Poor?

One day a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the
country with the firm purpose of showing his son how poor people live. They
spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a
very poor family. On their return from their trip, the father asked his son,
“How was the trip?”

“It was great, Dad.”

“Did you see how poor people live?” the father asked.

“Oh yeah,” said the son.

“So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?” asked the father.

The son answered: “I saw that we have one dog and they had four. We have a
pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has
no end. We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at
night. Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.
We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond
our sight. We have servants who serve us, but they serve others. We buy our
food, but they grow theirs. We have walls around our property to protect us,
they have friends to protect them.”

The boy’s father was speechless. Then his son added, “Thanks, Dad, for
showing me how poor we are.”

(Isn’t perspective a wonderful thing? Makes you wonder what would happen if
we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying about what we
don’t have.)

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

02/27/10 Weekend Grif.Net – How Poor?

One day a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the
country with the firm purpose of showing his son how poor people live. They
spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a
very poor family. On their return from their trip, the father asked his son,
“How was the trip?”

“It was great, Dad.”

“Did you see how poor people live?” the father asked.

“Oh yeah,” said the son.

“So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?” asked the father.

The son answered: “I saw that we have one dog and they had four. We have a
pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has
no end. We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at
night. Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.
We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond
our sight. We have servants who serve us, but they serve others. We buy our
food, but they grow theirs. We have walls around our property to protect us,
they have friends to protect them.”

The boy’s father was speechless. Then his son added, “Thanks, Dad, for
showing me how poor we are.”

(Isn’t perspective a wonderful thing? Makes you wonder what would happen if
we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying about what we
don’t have.)

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

02/26/10 Grif.Net – Land Survey

[Dewey, a classmate of mine when college students in Minnesota, sent me this
report.]

Two government surveyors came to Ole and Lena ’s farm in the fall and asked
if they could do some land surveying. Ole agreed and Lena even served them a
little lunch.

The next spring, the two surveyors stopped by and told Ole, “Because you
were so kind to us, we wanted to give you this bad news in person instead of
by letter.”

Ole asked, “What’s the bad news?”

The surveyors stated, “Well, after we completed our survey, we discovered
your farm is not in Minnesota, but is actually in South Dakota!”

Ole looked at Lena and said, “That’s the best news I’ve heard in a long
time. I just told Lena this morning, ‘I don’t think I can take another
winter in Minnesota.’”

 ~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”