Although I was only a few pounds overweight, my wife was harping on me to
diet. One evening we took a brisk walk downtown, and I surprised her by
jumping over a parking meter, leapfrog style.
Pleased with myself, I said, “How many fat men do you know who can do that?”
“One,” she retorted.
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
[Gotten lots of advice in January to help diet-conscious Grif.Net readers.
Not all is GOOD advice, but lots of it nonetheless]
East a pint of ice cream each day to reduce your craving for sweets.
The handle on your Lazy-Boy Recliner qualifies as an exercise machine.
Do you call a person who has abandoned their diet a desserter?
Always stand next to a person fatter than you whenever possible.
Eat in private. If people never see you eat, they’ll believe you when you
say you have a thyroid problem.
Never trust a dog to watch your food.
Lose weight by eating more! Chewing burns more calories than not chewing.
As a healthy alternative, ask the fast food worker to wrap your triple
cheeseburger, fries and fruit pie in a low-fat tortilla.
Potato chips aren’t rubbery or blubbery like fat. They’re crisp and crunchy
like lettuce, proving they are diet food.
A great way to lose weight is to eat while you are naked and standing in
front of a mirror. Burger King always throws me out before I can eat too
much.
[Some that 'might' just work]
An excellent way to lose weight is by skipping … snacks and dessert.
The best way to lose weight is to have your stomach stapled . . to your
upper lip.
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
Lord, Grant me the strength that I may not fall
Into the clutches of cholesterol.
‘Poly-unsaturated’ I’ll never mutter,
The road to hell is paved with peanut butter.
All cake is cursed, and frosting awful,
And Satan is hiding in every waffle.
The fridge is full and I can’t stop;
Beelzebub is a lollipop.
Teach me the evils of hollandaise,
Of pasta and gobs of mayonnaise.
And crisp fried chicken from the South . .
Lord, if you love me, shut my mouth.
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
My daughter couldn’t muster the willpower to lose unwanted pounds. One day,
watching a svelte friend walking up our driveway, she lamented to me,
“Lynn’s so skinny it makes me sick.”
“If it bothers you,” I suggested gently, “why don’t you do something about
it?”
“Good idea, Mom,” she replied. Turning to her friend, she called out, “Hey,
Lynn, let’s go out and have a malt and some chocolate cake.”
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely
fat.
Without a brain you might look good, but all you could do is run for public
office.
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
I read about a woman named Pam, who knows the pain of considering abortion.
More than 24 years ago, she and her husband Bob were serving as missionaries
to the Philippines and praying for a fifth child. Pam contracted amoebic
dysentery, an infection of the intestine caused by a parasite found in
contaminated food or drink. She went into a coma and was treated with strong
antibiotics before they discovered she was pregnant.
Doctors urged her to abort the baby for her own safety and told her that the
medicines had caused irreversible damage to her baby. She refused the
abortion and cited her Christian faith as the reason for her hope that her
son would be born without the devastating disabilities physicians predicted.
Pam said the doctors didn’t think of it as a life, they thought of it as a
mass of fetal tissue.
While pregnant, Pam nearly lost their baby four times but refused to
consider abortion. She recalled making a pledge to God with her husband: “If
you will give us a son, we’ll name him Timothy and we’ll make him a
preacher.”
Pam ultimately spent the last two months of her pregnancy in bed and
eventually gave birth to a healthy baby boy August 14, 1987. Pam’s youngest
son is indeed a preacher. He preaches in prisons, makes hospital visits, and
serves with his father’s ministry in the Philippines. He also plays
football. We here in the Mountain West are pleased with the Denver Bronco
quarterback, Tim Tebow.
The University of Florida’s star quarterback became the first sophomore in
history to win college football’s highest award, the Heisman Trophy. His
current role as quarterback of the Denver Broncos has provided an incredible
platform for Christian witness.
Tim’s fame and Pam’s inspiring story have given her numerous opportunities
to speak on behalf of women’s centers across the country. Pam Tebow believes
that every little baby you save matters. I pray her tribe will increase!
~~
[This Sunday marks the anniversary of the modern American holocaust - Roe v
Wade decision to legally kill our own babies! Pray for God's healing grace
to those who have committed such atrocities, and His mercy on our nation.
If God does not judge America for this, He will have to apologize to Sodom
and Gomorrah.]
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
As I was driving through downtown I felt the call of my grumbling stomach to
stop for a cheese Danish at the bakery. But I am dieting and that is a
no-no.
So I prayed and asked God for divine direction. I said, “Lord, I will not
stop and get a Danish if there is no parking place on the block directly in
front of the bakery.” This would leave it totally up to Divine Providence.
And I only had to drive around the block seven times until a spot opened up
. . .
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
Resolved: Midnight – I will stick with a diet until I’m back to my “wedding
weight”
January 1st – Maybe wedding weight is wishful thinking. I will at least get
my weight down below 200.
January 3rd – I will do a cardio work out 5 days a week.
January 5th – I will watch my calories until I get below 225.
January 7th – I will try to develop a realistic attitude about how many
donuts I consume [daily].
January 10th – I will try to jog 1 mile and do 30 sit-ups twice a week.
January 12th – I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 250.
January 15th – I will at least power-walk once a week.
January 17th – I will work at unwrapping and plugging in my Wii-Fit before
February
January 19th (today) – I will try to drive past a gym at least once this
week.
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
[I asked friends on FaceBook to share diet/weight loss testimonials. Boy,
oh boy.]
Christie said “When you eat healthy, you don’t really live longer. It just
seems that way.”
Diane wrote, “If you are what you eat, then I should look like a tossed
salad and pizza.”
Sue sent in, “I’m good for the shape I’m in. Round is a shape, right?”
“I can’t drink alcohol on my low-carb diet, so I replace it with a couple
shots of gravy with a twist of bacon,” I confessed quietly.
Teresa said, “If I put a crouton on my sundae instead of a cherry, It counts
as a salad.”
Kim testified, “I had a diet shake breakfast and a meal-replacement bar for
lunch. For my afternoon workout, I chewed through a whole bag of Tootsie
Rolls.”
My doctor said, “What fits your busy schedule better, exercising one hour a
day or being dead 24 hours a day?”
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
Forget love; I’d rather fall in chocolate.
I’ve been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I’ve lost a total of
789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won’t, and
that’s a wife who can’t cook and will.
I cook with wine; sometimes I even add it to the food.
It’s difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a
homegrown tomato.
We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial
flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.
You are what you eat. For example, if you eat garlic you’re apt to be a
hermit.
Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled
as good as bacon.
It’s so beautifully arranged on the plate – you know someone’s fingers have
been all over it.
The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books – how not to
eat what you’ve just learned how to cook.
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
I’ve found you can lose weight if you remember there are two things you
should NEVER eat before breakfast. Lunch and Dinner.
It is not the minutes spent at the table that make you fat. It’s the
seconds.
You CAN go on a diet even if the refrigerator is still full and New Year’s
Day was 2 weeks ago.
Studies show that most people gain weight in certain places.
Like the Bakery, Pizza Hut, Starbucks, Baskin-Robbins . . .
By the time I’m thin, fat will be ‘in’.
Never eat more than you can lift. (Miss Piggy)
Remember that on a cruise you walk up the gangway as a passenger but
disembark as cargo.
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
[All January our Grif.Net blog focuses on diet and our struggle with weight.
Every weekday it is designed to help you chuckle. But since most of the
battle is fought about 4 inches above the mouth, some MOTIVATIONAL MESSAGES
seem appropriate for this more serious weekend submission.]
“The tragedy in life doesn’t lie in not reaching your goal. The tragedy lies
in having no goal to reach.”
~Benjamin Mays
“Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is
always to try just one more time.”
~Thomas A. Edison
“The rest of the world lives to eat, while I eat to live.”
~Socrates
“We never repent of having eaten too little.”
~Thomas Jefferson
“Gluttony is an emotional escape, a sign something is eating us.”
~Peter De Vries
“Your body is the baggage you must carry through life. The more excess the
baggage, the shorter the trip.”
~Arnold H. Glasgow
“Feed sparingly and defy the physician.”
~James Howell
“More die in the United States of too much food than too little.”
~John Kenneth Galbraith
“Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections.”
~Saint Francis de Sales
“Victory belongs to the most persevering.”
~Napoleon
“Never, never, never quit.”
~Winston Churchill
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
[Jack forwarded this testimonial]
Needing to shed a few pounds, my husband and I went on a diet January 1st
that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. I followed the
instructions closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for our
individual plates.
We felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful-we never felt hungry!
But after twelve days we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it. So
I checked the recipes again.
In fine print, I was shocked to read: “Serves 6.”
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
