It was the last few weeks of school, but the fourth grade class got a new
student – the son of a Japanese businessman who had just moved to town.

The teacher greeted the class, introduced 10-year old Toshiba, and said,
“Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said “Give me Liberty,
or give me death?”

She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his
hand up. “Patrick Henry, 1775,” said the boy.

“Now,” said the teacher, “Who said ‘Government of the people, by the people,
for the people shall not perish from the earth?”

Again, no response except from Toshiba: “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”

The teacher snapped at the class, “You all should be ashamed. Toshiba, who
is new to our country, knows more about America than you do.”

As she turned to write something on the board, she heard a loud whisper from
the back of the classroom: “Lousy Japanese.”

“Who said that?” she demanded.

Toshiba put his hand up. “Lee Iacocca, 1982.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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Mary had a little lamb,
Its fleece was slightly gray.
It didn’t have a father,
Just some borrowed DNA.

It sort of had a mother,
Though the ovum was on loan.
It was not so much a lambkin
As a little lamby clone.

And soon it had a fellow clone,
And soon it had some more.
They followed her to school one day
All cramming through the door.

It made the children laugh and sing;
The teachers found it droll.
There were too many lamby clones
For Mary to control.

No other could control the sheep
Since their programs didn’t vary,
So the scientists resolved it all
By simply cloning Mary.

But now they feel quite sheepish,
Those scientists unwary;
One problem solved, but what to do
With Mary, Mary, Mary … ?

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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WHAT TEACHERS MAKE
(OR, IF THINGS DON’T WORK OUT YOU CAN ALWAYS GO TO LAW SCHOOL)
by Taylor Mali

He says the problem with teachers is
What’s a kid going to learn
from someone who decided his best option in life
was to become a teacher?

He reminds the other dinner guests that it’s true
what they say about teachers:
Those who can, do; those who can’t, teach.

I decide to bite my tongue instead of his
and resist the temptation to remind the dinner guests
that it’s also true what they say about lawyers.
Because we’re eating, after all, and this is polite company.

I mean, you’re a teacher, Taylor.
Be honest. What do you make?
And I wish he hadn’t done that
(asked me to be honest)
because, you see, I have a policy in my classroom
about honesty and [butt]-kicking:
if you ask for it, then I have to let you have it.

You want to know what I make?
I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could.
I can make a C+ feel like a Congressional Medal of Honor
and an A- feel like a slap in the face.
How dare you waste my time
with anything less than your very best.

I make kids sit through 40 minutes of study hall
in absolute silence. No, you may not work in groups.
No, you may not ask a question, so put your hand down.
Why won’t I let you go to the bathroom?
Because you’re bored.
And you don’t really have to go to the bathroom, do you?

I make parents tremble in fear when I call home:
Hi. This is Mr. Mali. I hope I haven’t called at a bad time,
I just wanted to talk to you about something your son said today.
To the biggest bully in the class, he said,
“Leave the kid alone. I still cry sometimes, don’t you?”
And it was the noblest act of courage I have ever seen.

I make parents see their children for who they are
and what they can be.
You want to know what I make?

I make kids wonder,
I make them question,
I make them criticize.
I make them apologize and mean it.
I make them write, write, write.
And then I make them read.

I make them spell definitely beautiful, definitely beautiful, definitely
beautiful
over and over again until they will never misspell
either one of those words again.

I make them show all their work in math
and hide it on their final drafts in English.

I make them understand if you’ve got this [brains],
then you follow this [heart],
and if someone ever tries to judge you
by what you make, you give them this [a gesture].

Here, let me break it down for you, so you know what I say is true:
Teachers make a [real] difference! Now what about you?

Note: Language slightly cleaned-up for family consumption. For the full,
uncut version see http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxsOVK4syxU
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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An old elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a
turtle asleep on a log. Looking irritated, he ambled on over and kicked the
turtle clear across to the other side of the river.

“What did you do that for?” asked a passing giraffe.

“Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk
53 years ago.”

“Wow, what a memory!”

“Yes,” said the elephant, “I have turtle recall.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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A young boy from New York was being led through the mountainous back country
near Lander, Wyoming, by his friend. “Is it true,” he asked, “that a grizzly
bear won’t attack you if you carry a flashlight?”

“That depends,” replied his young guide, “on how fast you can carry the
flashlight.”

“But if we see one”, the nervous lad continued, “how fast do you have to run
to outrun an angry bear?”

“Actually, I don’t have to be faster than a bear to escape being eaten,” his
friend commented. “I just have to be faster than you.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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My sermon from Matthew’s Gospel was hard for a young boy in the church to
grasp. It dealt with the sheep and the goats, and I had urged everyone who
heard this to look at their lives to see which they were.

“I’m confused,” the lad concluded. “I don’t know which I am. Mother calls me
her little lamb, and Dad calls me his kid.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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A successful business man became disenchanted with the stress of the fast
life in Los Angeles and decided to chuck it all. He took his savings and
purchased a large ranch in the middle of nowhere in Wyoming.

After a couple of months of enjoying solitude he heard the drumming of
hoof-beats outside his cabin. Grabbing his rifle he challenged the man
riding up on the horse.

“Don’t shoot, friend” the man said. “I’m your neighbor, I have a ranch only
6 miles from here, and I want to invite you to a gala ‘Welcome Party’ I’m
throwing for you next Saturday. There’s going to be music, dancing, hugging,
kissing, drinking, fighting…. We’ll have a great time”.

Not wanting to be unneighborly the new rancher lowered the rifle and asked,
“How should I dress?”

“Aw, don’t matter” replied the neighbor, “Only gonna be the two of us”.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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Yesterday (Mother’s Day) a sweet young girl decided to do something special
for her mother. So early in the morning she snuck into the bedroom and
brought Mom a cup of tea.

“Why, you’re such a sweetheart,” the mother said as she drank the tea. “I
didn’t know you even knew how to make tea.”

“Oh, yes,” the little girl replied. “I learned by watching you. I put the
tea leaves in the pan and then I put in the water, and boiled it, and then I
strained it into a cup. But I couldn’t find a strainer, so I used the
flyswatter instead.”

“You what?” the mother gasped.

But the little girl added, “Oh, don’t worry, Mom. I didn’t use the new
flyswatter. I used the old one.”

[adapted from "Home with a Heart"]
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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Just before Mother’s Day, a class of first graders were discussing a picture
of a family. One little boy in the picture had a different color hair than
the other family members. One child suggested that he was adopted and a
little girl said, “I know all about adoptions because I was adopted.

“What does it mean to be adopted?” asked another child.

“It means,” said the girl, “that you grew in your mommy’s heart instead of
her tummy.”

~~

Stories of those who truly understood and cared for others abound on the
‘net. But the winner for me was a four year old child whose next door
neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon
seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman’s yard,
climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy
said, “Nothing, I just helped him cry.”

~~

Whenever I’m disappointed with my spot in life, I stop and think about
little Jamie Scott. Jamie was trying out for a part in a school play. His
mother told me that he’d set his heart on being in it, though she feared he
would not be chosen.

On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him after
school. Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and excitement.
“Guess what Mom,” he shouted, and then said those words that will remain a
lesson to me: “I’ve been chosen to clap and cheer.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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An angry driver went back to the garage where he had purchased an expensive
battery for his car just six months earlier.

He told the garage owner, “When I bought that battery, you said it would be
the last battery my car would ever need. Now six months later, it’s dead!”

“Sorry,” said the garage owner, “I knew you drove a Ford and just didn’t
think your car would last longer than six more months.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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I always help the kids in church give me the “right” answers to questions I
ask during a sermon. So last week I asked the little ones “With what did
Samson arm himself to fight against the Philistines?”

None of the children could answer me.

“Oh, yes, you know!” I said winking, and to help them I tapped my jaw with
one finger. “What is this?” I asked.

This jogged their memories, and the group cried in unison, “The jawbone of
an ass.”

They ARE really smart.

Hey, wait a minute . .

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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When a clock is hungry, does it go back four seconds?

What does cheese say when it has its picture taken?

If carrots help your eyesight, how come you see so many dead rabbits by the
side of the road?

What part of a fish is a fish stick?

If I ask the butcher for half a rabbit will I get in trouble for splitting
hares?

What cheese is made backwards? (Edam)

If you sent a cauliflower through the Internet, would it arrive as e-coli?

If I eat some metal paper fastenings will I have a more staple diet?

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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My friend called Dominoes and ordered a carry-out pizza. The order taker
asked, “Shall I cut it into six pieces or twelve?”

“Six please.” He responded. “I’m not hungry enough to eat twelve.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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