The top 10 names for new line of Wal-Mart Wines
10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. Grape Expectations
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Vinegar!
2. World Championship Riesling
1. Nasti Spumante
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
I was visiting with a young man studying to be a pastor. As a veteran of the
pulpit for 43 years, I was immediately interested and asked, “What subjects
are you studying at school?”
The young seminarian said, “You know, the usual – Greek, Church History,
Pastoral Ministry and Systematic Theology.”
So I thought I’d quiz him a little and asked if he had studied anything on
‘Eschatology’ in his Systematic Theology class.
He responded, “I think I missed that lecture. I really don’t know much about
that subject, but hey, it’s not the end of the world.”
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
A woman brought a very limp duck into the veterinarian clinic. As she laid
her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the
bird’s chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry,
your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”
The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet.
“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few
minutes later with his Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in
amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the
examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up
at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few
minutes later he returned with his cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its
haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill,
which he handed to the woman..
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$550.00!” she cried,
“$505.00 just to tell me my duck is dead!”
The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill
would have been $5.00. But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now
$505.00″
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
Reflection: Ten years ago on Mother’s Day I broke my foot. No pain. Wife
looked at toes (2 at 90 degree right angle from side of foot). She reset
them. Still no pain. On Monday May 12, 2003 I went to the foot doctor for
x-rays and a “boot”. He was more concerned with “no pain”, no feeling at
all.
Later in May 2003 I went to the neurologist for intensive testing to find
out why I could do such damage (I was in a wheel chair by then) and no
feeling. Found out I had rapidly progressing Profound Neuropathy – death of
nerves in my feet. The only sensations I had were “phantom” burning,
cracking, smashing, not based in real injury. Tell THAT to the brain.
July 2003 we returned to see how this condition was improving. It wasn’t; it
was getting worse exponentially. My loss of all nerve function now raced up
to my knees (I flat-lined the testing for conductivity and they kept poking
needles all over my body until I bled). I had little nerve function left in
my hands and arms.
The doctor soberly looked at me and Teresa and said at this rate, the nerve
loss would reach my lungs in a few months and that I would die a slow,
agonizing death over the next year or two. He warned about “quack
treatments” and said there was no cure. This was a thousand times worse than
the diabetic neuropathy that often leads to amputations; mine was fatal.
We were in shock. His last words were to go home, make my will, say my
good-byes to family and friends, take a long trip, spend my money and live
with 8-9-10 level pain 24.7. Get ready to suffer and die. Thanks for the
sweet bedside manner. Grrrr.
That was ten years ago. I moped a bit, questioned God a lot, whined about
being pushed around in a wheelchair by my ever-patient saintly wife (who
also was digesting this horrible prognosis). We and others around the world
prayed. We sought natural health alternative treatments and supplements to
help with this condition. In September 2003 I began therapy to learn to
balance and walk (without feeling in my legs I simply tried to look and let
my eyes replace my nerves; I learned to let my inner ear to the work of
balance). Blindfolded. Trussed in a harness so the therapists could keep me
from falling. Walking on squishing deep foam. I learned.
So ten years have passed. I progressed from wheelchair, to crutches, to
walker, to cane and now nothing. I can now jog, ride a bike, swim, hike
around Wyoming and climb mountains. I am 90% free of pain. I love to
travel the world (and spend money – following doctor’s orders, you know). I
pastor a church, am CFO in my wife’s clinic, and just got in from
roto-tilling the garden and after a break will head off to mow the lawn a
second round this spring (hey – I was shoveling 20″ of snow a couple weeks
ago). I still have no nerve function . . but the condition STOPPED its
progression and even a bit of the damaged areas seem to be somewhat better.
Ten years. God is faithful and the Blessed Controller of all things. This
morning mulling over His goodness I am reminded to “count my blessings”.
Every day is a gift from God; that’s why I call it the “present”. He alone
gets the glory for my salvation, glory in every day of my life and glory
even in the day when, like the Pillsbury Doughboy, He pokes me and says
“You’re done” and I get to die.
I get to die. But then, last I checked, nobody gets out of this life alive.
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
A distinguished clergyman and his friend were playing golf. It was a very
close match, and at the last hole the clergyman teed up, addressed the ball,
and swung his driver with great force.
The ball, instead of sailing down the fairway, merely rolled off the tee and
settled slowly some twelve feet away.
The clergyman frowned, glared, and bit his lip, but said nothing. His
opponent regarded him for a moment, and then remarked: “Reverend, that is
the most profane silence I have ever witnessed.”
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
[Jack, a long-time Grif.Net aficionado from Maine, relates this true story]
Dr. Cutter is our local Veterinarian, and well-known for his wry humor. He
surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him after an
encounter with a porcupine.
After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned
the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.
“Thirty dollars, Ma’am,” he answered.
“Why that’s simply outrageous!” she stormed. “That’s what’s wrong with you
Maine people, you’re always trying to over-charge tourists and summer
visitors. Whatever do you do in the winter, when we’re not being gypped
here?”
“Raise porcupines, Ma’am.”
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
[Rules for Possessions . . of Toddlers and Democrats]
1. If I like it, it’s mine.
2. If it’s in my hand, it’s mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it’s mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.
5. If it’s mine, it must NEVER appear to be yours in anyway.
6. If I’m doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it is mine.
8. If I saw it first, it’s mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically
becomes mine.
10. If it’s broken, it’s yours.
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!
If you are traveling soon, consider Lutheran Air, the no-frills airline.
You’re all in the same boat on Lutheran Air, where flying is an uplifting
experience. There is no First Class on any Lutheran Air flight. Meals are
potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls, 7-15 bring a salad, 16-21 a main dish, and
22-30 a dessert. Basses and tenors please sit in the rear of the aircraft.
Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares are by
freewill offering and the plane will not land until the budget is met. Pay
attention to your flight attendant, who will now acquaint you with the
safety system aboard this Lutheran Air 599.
“Okay then, listen up: I’m only gonna say this once. In the event of a
sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised and
so will Captain Olson because we fly right around 2000 feet, so loss of
cabin pressure would probably indicate the Second Coming or something of
that nature, and I wouldn’t bother with those little masks on the rubber
tubes. You’re gonna have bigger things to worry about than that. Just
stuff those back up in their little holes.
Probably the masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest with
you, we’re going to have quite a bit of at 2000 feet… sort of like
driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it.
In the event of a water landing, I’d say forget it. We aren’t Baptist and
don’t do well in water. Start saying the Lord’s Prayer and just hope you get
to the part about forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against
us, which some people say “trespass against us,” which isn’t right, but what
can you do?
The use of cell phones on the plane is strictly forbidden, not because they
may interfere with the plane’s navigational system, which is seat of the
pants all the way. No, it’s because cell phones are a pain in the wazoo and
if God meant you to use a cell phone, He would have put your mouth on the
side of your head. We’re going to start lunch right about noon and it’s
buffet style with the coffee pot up front. Then we’ll have the hymn sing…
hymnals in the seat pocket in front of you. Don’t take yours with you when
you go or I am going to be real upset and I am not kidding!
Right now I’ll say Grace… Come Lord Jesus be our guest and let these
gifts to us be blest. Father, Son and Holy Ghost, may we land in Duluth or
pretty close. Amen.”
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
If guns are outlawed, what will we shoot liberals with? – Wyoming Bumper
Sticker of the Week
^^^^^
A mother and daughter were picking strawberries. Mom shared her fond
memory, “I am so glad we got to pick strawberries together. I remember this
exact spot when I was your age that my mother and I picked berries.”
The little girl looked across the field and replied, “You sure missed a
lot.”
^^^^^
What’s the difference between broccoli and boogers?
Your kids won’t eat broccoli.
^^^^^
When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh-oh,” it’s already too late.
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
After learning my flight was detained 4 hours, I heard the announcement: if
anyone in the vicinity of gate 4-A understands any Arabic, please come to
the gate immediately.
Well, one pauses these days. Gate 4-A was my own gate. I went there. An
older woman in full traditional Palestinian dress, just like my grandma
wore, was crumpled to the floor, wailing loudly. Help, said the flight
service person. Talk to her. What is her problem? We told her the flight was
going to be four hours late and she did this.
I put my arm around her and spoke to her haltingly. Shu dow-a, shu- biduck
habibti, stani stani schway, min fadlick, sho bit se-wee?
The minute she heard any words she knew – however poorly used – she stopped
crying.
She thought our flight had been canceled entirely. She needed to be in El
Paso for some major medical treatment the following day. I said no, no,
we’re fine, you’ll get there, just late.
Who is picking you up? Let’s call him and tell him. We called her son and I
spoke with him in English. I told him I would stay with his mother till we
got on the plane and would ride next to her.
She talked to him. Then we called her other sons just for the fun of it.
Then we called my dad and he and she spoke for a while in Arabic and found
out of course they had ten shared friends.
Then I thought just for the heck of it why not call some Palestinian poets I
know and let them chat with her. This all took up about 2 hours.
She was laughing a lot by then. Telling about her life. Answering questions.
She had pulled a sack of homemade mamool cookies – little powdered sugar
crumbly mounds stuffed with dates and nuts – out of her bag and was offering
them to all the women at the gate.
To my amazement, not a single woman declined one. It was like a sacrament.
The traveler from Argentina, the traveler from California, the lovely woman
from Laredo-we were all covered with the same powdered sugar. And smiling.
There are no better cookies.
And then the airline broke out the free beverages from huge coolers -
non-alcoholic – and the two little girls for our flight, one African
American, one Mexican American-ran around serving us all apple juice and
lemonade and they were covered with powdered sugar too.
And I noticed my new best friend – by now we were holding hands – had a
potted plant poking out of her bag, some medicinal thing, with green furry
leaves. Such an old country traveling tradition. Always carry a plant.
Always stay rooted to somewhere.
And I looked around that gate of late and weary ones and thought, this is
the world I want to live in. The shared world.
Not a single person in this gate – once the crying of confusion stopped -
has seemed apprehensive about any other person.
They took the cookies. I wanted to hug all those other women too. This can
still happen anywhere.
Not everything is lost.
[by Naomi Shihab Nye (age 61), "Wandering Around an Albuquerque Airport
Terminal."]
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
This list is circulating among Forest Service employees. These are
actual comments left last year on Forest Service registration sheets and
comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:
“A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a
way I can get reimbursed? Please call.”
“Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.”
“Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to
reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to
wilderness.”
“Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.”
“Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are
more likely to chase animals.”
“All the mile markers seem to be missing this year.”
“Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.”
“Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that
go uphill.”
“Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray
the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.”
“Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter.”
“Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful
views without having to hike to them.”
“The wolves made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please
eradicate these annoying animals.”
“Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike
at night with flashlights.”
“Need more signs to keep area pristine.”
“A McDonald’s would be nice at the trailhead.”
“The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.”
“Too many rocks in the mountains.”
[ANSWERS TO MONDAY'S EXAM (now that I'm safely back home in Wyoming]
1. Do they have a 4th of July in England? YES (they also have a 3rd of
July, a 2nd of July, etc…)
2. How many birthdays does the average man have? ONE
3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28? ALL OF THEM
4. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar’s sister, but
the beggar is not the woman’s brother. How come? THE BEGGAR IS HER SISTER
5. Why can’t a man living in Wyoming be buried anywhere in Canada? CANNOT
BURY A LIVING PERSON
6. How many outs are there in an inning? SIX (3 for each team)
7. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow’s sister? NO (he
would be dead to have a widow)
8. Two men play five games of checkers. Each man wins the same number of
games. There are no ties. How can this happen? THEY ARE NOT PLAYING EACH
OTHER
9. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer? 70 (30 divided by 1/2
is 60, then add 10
10. A man builds a house rectangular in shape. Four sides have southern
exposure. What color is the bear that walks by? WHITE (the bear would be a
polar bear, because the house must be at the north pole)
11. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have? 2 (you
just took 2 apples)
12. I have two US coins totaling 55 cents. One is not a nickel. What are
the coins? A HALF-DOLLER AND A NICKEL (one is not a nickel, but the other
one is)
13. If you have only one match and you walked into a room where there was an
oil burner, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning stove, which one would you
light first? THE MATCH
14. How far can a dog run into the woods? HALF WAY (then he would be running
OUT of the woods)
15. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour.
How long would the pills last? ONE HOUR (the first one, a half hour later,
and another one more half hour)
16. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left? NINE
17. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark? NONE. (Moses was
not on the ark; Noah was)
18. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5′ 10″ tall. What does he weigh? MEAT
19. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen? 12
20. What was the President’s name in 1963? OBAMA
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
[DJ in British Columbia send in these actual excerpts from students Science
Exam answers (names of students and teachers are held in strict confidence).
Can't make this stuff up!]
Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.
To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and
put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.
The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.
Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
Algebraically, symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking
about.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them
perspire.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often
in the winter.
For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and
forth.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
Everyone knows about Afro-American Speak — Ebonics (“Ebony” + “Phonics”).
But have you heard about . .
Irish-American Speak — Leprechaunics
Native-American Speak — Kimosabics
Italian-American Speak — Rigatonics
Chinese-American Speak — Won-tonics
Japanese-American Speak — Mama-san-ics
Polish-American Speak — Kielbasanics
Jewish-American Speak — Zionics
Russian-American Speak — Rasputonics
Spanish-American Speak — Flan-ics
Scottish-American Speak — Tartan-ics
Eskimo-American Speak — Harpoonics
German-American Speak — Autobahnics
French-American Speak — Escargonics
And . .
White House Speak — Moronics
[Not to mention . .
Computer Techno-babble — Geekonics
Oscilloscope Speak — Tektronics
Washington NBA Basketball Speak — Soniconics
Political Satirist Speak – Sardonics
Chess Speak — Pawnics
Underwater Chess Speak — Hydropawnics
[And the most clever . .
Mineralogist Speak — Onyxonics
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
