Realizing that I’d put on a pound or two over Thanksgiving, I lamented to my
husband, “I’m fat.”
And right on cue he said what all good husbands must: “You’re not fat.”
To support his position, he added, “Just look around you at others, and you
will see that you are not fat.”
But our daughter, a high-schooler, saw through it and added “Mom, he’s
grading you on the curve!”
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
[These are jokes inspired by -20F here this morning in Casper. And that is
no joke. No one smiling.]
It’s so cold this morning…an Amish farmer bought an electric blanket.
It’s so cold this morning…I opened Microsoft Outlook and had frost on my
Windows.
It’s so cold this morning…when I turned on the shower, I got hail.
It’s so cold this morning…Democrats have their hands in their own pockets.
It’s so cold this morning…we had to open the fridge to heat the house.
It’s so cold this morning…Police tell a robber to freeze, and he does.
It’s so cold this morning…Mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
It’s so cold this morning…Petco is selling hamsters, gerbils and penguins.
It’s so cold this morning…we had to break the smoke off our chimney.
It’s so cold this morning…grandpa set up an ice-fishing shack over the
bathtub.
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
I think Santa has riverfront property in Brazil. Instead of the North Pole,
all my presents came stamped “Amazon” this year.
I tried wrapping Christmas presents, but I didn’t have the gift.
I gave my wife a fork for Christmas because there was no tine like the
present.
I pine for the good old days when we always get spruced up before shopping
for a Christmas tree.
I think Noel Coward was afraid of traditional Christmas music.
I love talking turkey around the Christmas dinner table.
I went golfing at Christmas and hit a birdie. Sadly, it was a partridge on a
par 3.
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A thesaurus.
What do you call it when you move two 10 cent coins from your pocket your
purse?
A paradigm shift.
What does a clock do when it’s hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
What do you do with chemistry teachers when they die?
You barium.
What do you call the shortest distance between two jokes?
A straight line.
What do you call bears without ears?
B.
What do you call a veterinarian with a sore throat?
A hoarse doctor.
What do you call a cat who just ate a mallard?
A duck-filled-fatty-puss.
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
At our house, we had some goblin on Halloween, but a whole lot more gobblin’
at Thanksgiving.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things
literally.
The ‘Prosperity Gospel’ is like preaching to acquire.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Two girls named Pat moved into the wolf’s neighborhood and he ate both. He
said he couldn’t resist; after all they were new Tricias.
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
“Emmanuel ‘Manny’ Ohonme grew up in Africa in an area of extreme poverty.
One day, missionaries came to his community and taught the boys how to play
a game called basketball. After showing them how to play, they suggested a
competition and offered a prize to the winner – a pair of shoes.
Manny turned out to be a natural. He won the contest that day, becoming the
first person in his family ever to own a pair of shoes. From then on, he
practiced basketball and began to believe in a better future for himself. He
received a scholarship to come to the United States and play college
basketball. He earned a degree in business and led a successful corporate
career, but he knew that he had a greater purpose to fulfill.
The pair of shoes that he won that day had given him hope, and he knew the
pride that he felt when he went from being barefoot to having his own pair
of shoes. He also knew of all the needless injuries and illnesses that
affect children around the world that could be prevented simply by
protective footwear.
His mother always told him, “To those whom much is given, much is expected”
(a paraphrase of Luke 12:48), so Manny knew what was expected of him. His
vision was to provide shoes to over 10 million children in the world as
founder and president of Samaritan’s Feet International.”
What a great story. Small businesses focus on passion, purpose, and praise.
Words like bliss, God-given gifts, integrity, vision and God-given abilities
just keep pouring out. Words like “I did it because I thought I could get
rich doing it” are completely absent from their stories. While money is
certainly a necessary part of the equation, it must be the by-product of
each business owner and not a primary motivator for them.
How do I know this? Twenty years ago my wife stepped out on faith to found
“Preventive Health Resources”, a natural alternative-health clinic designed
to help people who are “sick and tired of being sick and tired” take charge
of their own health. It is her consuming passion for her and a proven
blessing to everyone touched by it.
Today, we salute the Small Businesses that started out on a shoestring in
Africa or with a handful of Chinese herbs in the middle of Wyoming. The full
impact of these people may never be known.
www.phr.net
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
My favorite allergy song is “Blowin’ in the Wind” by Peter Pollen Mary.
My favorite bagpipe soloist sounded slightly off-kilter.
My favorite bass player is very low key.
My favorite music store was robbed and the thieves made off with the lute.
My favorite violin teacher gave lessons for free, no strings attached.
My favorite guitar broke a string, but I didn’t fret.
My favorite Hawaiian choir all wore coral necklaces.
My favorite rapper is the Easter Bunny, since he’s into hip-hop.
My favorite dance club opened to rave reviews.
My favorite melody was repeated so much it became a strain.
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high
near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook,
be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.
During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice
through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates.
Mashed potatoes will drift across one side, while cranberry sauce creates
slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.
A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area,
with increased stuffiness around the beltway.
During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers,
dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.
Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will
be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50
percent chance of scattered soup late in the week. We expect a warming trend
where soup develops.
By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will
be the bone.
[Tip o'the hat to Ken H in Mankato for the smile special to Thanksgiving!]
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
“I heard the joke that ‘you can tune a piano but you can’t tuna fish’. But
you CAN! You simply adjust its scales.”
“Having a slow day playing the piano? You sound board. But don’t date a
piano technician; he will just string you along.”
“I’d like to hammer this point home but that might put a damper on things.”
“Not sure if my piano is stressed because its strings are under so much
tension. Or if it just trying to keep from laughing when someone is tickling
its ivories.”
“I went to a concert once where the lady playing was so bad, that Mr.
Steinway himself came down and personally erased his name off the piano.”
“I did figure out why party-goers love the inside of the piano, since that’s
where the action is.”
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
Two roommates got home from work one day and found that their home had been
burglarized. One gal called the police to report the crime.
Two hours later a police officer and his K9 partner arrived and got out of
the car.
The young woman shook her head and complained under her breath to her
roommate, “Not only does it take two hours for them to get here, but did
they have to send a blind policeman?”
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing
at the car, he was astounded to see that the woman behind the wheel was
knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the
trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, ‘PULL
OVER!’
‘NO!’ the gal yelled back. ‘IT’S A SCARF!’
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
Wife was asking about some jokes/stories on “bread”. Of course, I googled
this and a 2005 Grif.Net came up! I’d forgotten about it.
When our kids were little, we observed Tashlich, where we went to a river
to pray and throw bread crumbs into the water. This object lesson symbolized
sins gone. Of course, we also went when the ducks were out to feed them.
What fun along with a spiritual lesson! (they probably just remember the
duck part today!)
Occasionally, people ask what KIND of bread should be thrown. Here are
suggestions for breads which may be most appropriate for specific sins:
For ordinary sins – White Bread
For particularly dark sins – Pumpernickel
For complex sins – Multi-Grain
For twisted sins – Pretzels
For tasteless sins – Rice Cakes
For sins of indecision – Waffles
For substance abuse – Stoned Wheat
For carnal sins – French Bread
For use of heavy drugs – Poppy Seed bread
For committing auto theft – Caraway bread
For timidity/cowardice – Milk Toast
For ill-temperedness – Sourdough
For silliness, eccentricity (my big one) – Nut Bread
For excessive irony – Rye Bread
For dressing immodestly – Tarts
For promiscuity with gentiles – Hot Cross Buns
For racist attitudes – Crackers
For gluttony – Stuffing
For impetuosity – Quick Bread
For pride and egotism – Puff Pastry
For being holier-than-thou – Angel Food Cake
For sending bad jokes/puns on the Grif.Net – Corn Bread
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
Had some strange folks come to the door at Halloween. Dressed half in Star
Wars and half in Duck Dynasty gear. Caused me to think . .
You might be a DUCK DYNASTY JEDI if . . .
— Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
— You ever heard the phrase, “May the Force be with y’all.”
— You have ever used your light saber to open a bag of moon pies.
— You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
— The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dad-gum skeeters.
— Wookies are offended by your body odor.
— You have ever used the Force in conjunction with your deer blind.
— You’ve programmed your R-2 unit to imitate eleven different duck calls.
— You have the Confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
— Although you had to kill him, you thought Jabba the Hutt had a pretty
good handle on how to treat his women.
— You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Uncle Si or
Chewbacca.
— You replace the beverages in the Cantina with a Tupperware container of
iced tea.
— If you hear, “Luke, I am your father . . . and your uncle.”
~~
~ANSWERS from “More Cookies, Please” Sales Quiz
1 Nabisco Oreo
2 Nabisco Chips Ahoy
3 Nabisco Oreo Double Stuff
4 Pepperidge Farm Milano
5 Private Label (Generic) Chocolate Chip
6 Little Debbie Nutty Bar
7 Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream
8 Nabisco Chips Ahoy Chewy
9 Nabisco Nilla Vanilla Wafers
10 Private Label (Generic) Sandwich Cookies
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
