Grif.Net

You’re getting company in 30 minutes. Your house is a mess. WHAT WILL YOU DO? SECRET TIP 1: DOOR LOCKS If a room clearly can’t be whipped into shape in 30 days – much less 30 minutes – employ the Locked Door Method of cleaning. Tell anyone who tries to…

The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him. Everyday he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming. Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the…

[Joseph H said, Now that was an “udderly” bad joke , , so think I’ll stick with some normal humor for a while] One lady told a friend, “Whenever I’m down in the dumps I buy myself a dress.” The other one said, “I’ve always wondered where you got them.”…

Okay, I’ve been encouraged NOT to quit my day job with the lousy word play a few days ago. But it got me thinking . . . For some people the only puns they make are about dairy products, because the rest are just too cheesy. When they think of…

[These are all actual lines from performance appraisals.] 1. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching. 2. A room temperature IQ. 3. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together. 4. A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary…

I lost a wrench in the long grass in the yard while working on an old car. Thankfully, my dog “Mace” loved to go sniffing around in the weeds and wouldn’t you know, HE found it and brought it to me. No prayer. No worry. But thinking of writing a…

Anyone else remember your Mama saying these things? Seems like just yesterday I could hear her voice . . Be sure and refill the ice trays, we are going to have company after while. Watch for the postman, I want to get this letter in the mail today. Either come…

In a speech, former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich gave some challenging and sober thoughts, worthy of a weekend more serious Grif.Net: “The third thing I want to talk about very briefly is the genuine danger of terrorism, in particular terrorists using weapons of mass destruction and weapons of…

Bank, Rupp & Baroque . Loans While You Wait Bright, Light & Powers . Electrical Specialists Flowers, Bush & Hedges . Landscaping Cook, Books & Hyde . Accountants Dewey, Cheatam & Howe . Tax Law Dolittle and Dalley . Efficiency Consultants House & Holmes . Real Estate Moon, Starr &…

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. David Bissonette When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Sacha Guitry By all means marry. If you get…

Limericks are an odd sort of humor to begin with, but I found these two to be exceedingly clever (and odd) word plays: A flea and fly in a flue, Were imprisoned so what could they do? Said the flea let us fly. Said the fly let us flee. So…

“A modest little person, with much to be modest about.” -Winston Churchill “He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” -Forrest Tucker “Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” -Mark Twain “There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.”…

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” -Winston Churchill “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” -Clarence Darrow “Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” -Moses…