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In order to continue getting by in America (our home land), we all need to learn the NEW English language. Practice by reading the following conversation out loud until you are able to understand the term “TENJOOBERRYMUDS”. With a little patience, you’ll be able to fit right in. Now, here…

[Some additional suggested messages were supplied by Gene, Sue and others] Hello this is the Psychic hotline answering machine. We knew you would call and did not want to talk, that is why we did not answer. Now we think you are smiling. Hi this is an answering device, I…

1. “Hi. Now you say something.” 2. “Hi. John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.” 3. “Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do…

Tom was in his early 50’s, retired and started a second career. However, he just couldn’t seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, real sharp, so the Boss was in a quandary about how to…

One day, the seven dwarfs left to go work in the mine. Snow White stayed home to prepare lunch. When she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave in. Tearfully, and fearing the worst. Snow White began calling out, hoping against…

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I’m on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I’m thinking, “Can’t you see I’m on the phone?” Obviously not. No…

[Here is a collection of MORE of Murphy’s Laws] Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you’ll have to go to the bathroom. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Law…

At a teaching session in radiology department, the attending asked the intern: “I think this x-ray reveals that the severe bowing of both bones of the lower leg is the cause of this patient’s limping. What would you do in this case?” After a moment, the intern replied, “Well, I…

A little girl said, “Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?” Why sure you can,” her grandfather replied. As she is sitting on granddad’s lap she said, “Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?” “A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a…

[These are attributed to Paul Ogden in redefining words] Adult, n., a person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. Beauty Parlor, n., a place where women curl up and dye. Cannibal, n., someone who is fed up with people. Chicken, n., the…

You’re getting company in 30 minutes. Your house is a mess. WHAT WILL YOU DO? SECRET TIP 1: DOOR LOCKS If a room clearly can’t be whipped into shape in 30 days – much less 30 minutes – employ the Locked Door Method of cleaning. Tell anyone who tries to…

The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him. Everyday he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming. Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the…

[Joseph H said, Now that was an “udderly” bad joke , , so think I’ll stick with some normal humor for a while] One lady told a friend, “Whenever I’m down in the dumps I buy myself a dress.” The other one said, “I’ve always wondered where you got them.”…