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[Many wrote after yesterday’s puns and said PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE. I assume they were begging for more!] The police caught a burglar last night when he broke into our home through the bathroom window. Evidently he landed on the bathroom scale and gave himself a weigh. ~~ The price of…

[A few ba-a-a-a-a-d word plays for July] Ever since my friend had all the digits amputated from his feet, I find him very annoying. I think I might be lack-toes intolerant. ~~~ The policeman pulled over a car onto the side of the road and walked over to the driver.…

My friend Jim came by the house on his way home from the doctor looking very worried. Naturally I asked, “What’s the problem?” Jim answered, “The doctor told me I have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life.” “So what?” I replied. “I know lots…

George W’s War No one likes war. War is a horrific affair, bloody and expensive. Sending our men and women into battle to perhaps die or be maimed is an unconscionable thought. Yet some wars need to be waged, and someone needs to lead. The citizenry and Congress are often…

[Phone rings] – Super Duper computer store. May I help you? “Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.” – Mac? “No, the name’s Bob.” – Your computer? “I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.” – Mac? “I told…

Joyce forwarded these “Foxworthy gems” You’re not a kid anymore WHEN… You quit trying to hold in your stomach, no matter who walks into the room. You enjoy watching the News. The phone rings and you hope its not for you. The only reason you’re still awake at 4 AM…

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.…

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or…

Have you seen the pictures from Wisconsin, Iowa, and Missouri of the people looting the liquor stores, carrying away televisions from retail stores, sitting on the roof begging for someone to take care of them, collected in the baseball stadium complaining about the food and shelter being provided? Neither have…

THE DANGER OF EATING BREAD A recent newspaper headline read, “Smell of baked bread may be health hazard.” The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the organic components of this aroma may break down ozone. I was…

[Gene added some food items I’ve missed since my travels were limited. – In Texas, McTacos. In Israel, McMutton (kosher, of course). For vegans, McTofu. In New Orleans, McGator. And he suggested McClams in Boston (or better, McLobsta] Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers,…

Driving through Colorado, Kansas and Oklahoma, I’ve been noticing new items on the McDonald’s menu not in my home town . . I think these may be “rejected”! 10. Salmon McNella 9. McKitty Sandwich 8. Chicken McBobbitts 7. McGristle 6. Way Too Happy Meal 5. McShrooms 4. The Depressed Meal…

[Carrie answered Monday’s grif.net on stress with this sage advice: “And of course you know that STRESSED backwards is DESSERTS, thus the cure is obvious.” Well said! So here is some food humor. Kinda.] Top Ten Rejected Cookbook Titles: 10. Getting Even: Hillary’s High-Fat Cookbook 9. Peanut Butter and Jelly…