[After nearly 2 years of Tom Swifty word plays on the first wee= kday of each month, we return to our normal pathetic and hopeless blend of = puns and wordplays to challenge your sanity and sanctification. You’r= e welcome.] **Did you know that most people in Athens do not…

I got pulled over by a traffic cop. He walked up to my window and said, “Papers.” I said, “Scissors, I win,” and I drove off. He must be desperate for a re-match because h= e’s been chasing me for miles. &n= bsp; ~~ I’m = addicted to ordering hatchets…

[I asked newly-married fellows for some stories of their wives&= #8217; cooking. No name/date given, for obvious reasons.] >>My wife must be the worst cook ever.  In my house our custom is to pray after we eat= , not before.   >>I blame my wife’s cooking for my weight gain. Ever=…

A man is laying in the hospital, waiting to be the first person= in history to receive a brain transplant. A doctor comes in and says &quot= ;Congratulations! But unfortunately, since this is a new procedure, your in= surance isn’t going to cover it all. So, we’re going to give…

My English teacher told me I’d never be good at poetry because = I’m dyslexic. But so far, I’ve made three ju= gs and a vase, and everyone says they’re lovely.   ~~ I remember when my youngest came home from First Grade and announced that= A-D (the first four…

My God, I love Thee, not because I hope for heaven thereby; Nor yet since they who love Thee not must burn = eternally.   Thou, O my Jesus, Thou didst me upon the cross embrace; For me didst bear the nails and spear, and manifold disgra= ce;   An=…

Can’t use my new stairlift at the house.  It’s= driving me up the wall.   ~~ Did you hear about the= actor who fell through the floorboards?He was just going through a sta= ge.   ~~= Not all math puns are bad.  Sadly, sum= of them are.   ~~ I…

As robbers entered the bank, their leader pulled a gun and aske= d for the manager. He demanded that he open the vault.   He even threatened the ma= nager by saying, "If you try to do anything smart, you’re English.&quo= t;   Th= e manager was confused and asked…

A woman, her husband and their three rambunctious young sons we= re in their car waiting at a traffic light. The woman glanced over at the c= ar next to them and noticed a blissfully happy mother with her baby daughte= r.   Lo= oking at her husband, she said,…

[When teaching Intro to Geography at Pillsbury College, I found= many students had “holes” in their knowledge of the physical o= r cultural geography of Asia.  They knew much more about North America= and Europe, but gaps about the other continents.  Today’s quiz = is, therefore, tough. And to make…

Overheard amidst the groans of vacations ending and school back= in session . . . >Quiz on the first day of school asked, &#8220= ;What are your three favorite words?”Obvious answer was June, Jul= y, and August. >I bought a parka in August. = I got a really good deal…

There were 200 people attending a seminar on mental and physica= l health. At one point, the speaker told the group they were going to do an= activity. He gave each attendee one balloon and told them to write their n= ame on it with a marker. Then, the balloons…

A History Professor is welcoming a= fresh class of undergraduates and decides it is worth having a little fun = to settle down the nervous young adults. He looks at the register to see which students are in his cla= ss this semester. “Do = we have a Miss Butcher…