911 Operator: = "What is your emergency?" Guy: = "My mother-in-law just got bitten by a = snake." Operator: = "Ok, you need to suck the poison out." Guy = [whispering]: "Dude, there’ll be nothing left of = her."   [Thanks, = Pastor M, for the smile today. And we…

Tom walked into = his boss’ office and told him, "Sir, I know things aren’t going the = best around here but I have three companies that have contacted me = recently. I would like a raise." His boss agreed = and after debating the amount for a while they…

[First of the month dose of puns just for = ewe.]   Evidently our Ambassadors never get sick because they = have diplomatic immunity.   Pencils = could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the = point?   The Hand family consists of 10 electricians.…

[ML forwarded = this sage advice to male readers]   Five rules = governing male behavior toward the allegedly weaker = sex:   1. Never make = a woman mad. They can remember stuff that hasn’t even happened = yet.   2. Behind = every angry woman stands a man…

A = man called a financial planning agent, seeking some advice and = direction.   &qu= ot;Hello.  My name is Ben.  I’d like to invest some = money."   &qu= ot;Well, hello Ben. This is Mike.  I would be happy to meet you to = discuss sound financial planning.  You…

One day, I decided = to quit. I wanted to quit my job, to quit my relationships, to quit my = marriage, to quit my spirituality; I even wanted to quit my life. I went = to the woods to have one last talk with God. "God," I said, =…

The Governor = of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail when suddenly = a coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.   #1. The = Governor starts to intervene, reflects upon the movie "Bambi" = and realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what…

Each of the following well known proverbs has a key = word CHANGED to something totally unrelated, but I found these often = made the adage funny or pointed.  Time to laugh as you discover = each error.  And maybe you could suggest BETTER “wrong” = words to plug into…

Hours on your cell phone make you = tired? Now there’s a nap for that.   I thought = the dryer shrunk my clothes.  Turns out it was the = refrigerator.   Line dancing was originally invented by women waiting to use = the bathroom.   I try to find…

[My  neighbor Scott here in town forwarded = these variations on a familiar song. You may opt to sing, not read, = these lines in your best Dean Martin = impression.] When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza = pieThat’s amore. When an eel bites your hand…

As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home = on her husband’s ranch in Wyoming.  She put a shoebox on a shelf in = her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.   For = fifty years, Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt…

My friend had hip replacement surgery a couple months = ago and when I told her hubby this week to say we hoped she was doing = better, he shared this story about encouragement she’d gotten in = her recovery:   She was talking on the phone to her granddaughter…

[Another dose of ‘Red’ humor to end the = week, this time on going to school in Iowa]   Mom wanted = me to go to Iowa State. Dad wanted me to go to a real school.  The = truant officer said he’d be happy if I went to elementary…