Why are some = sports fast and others dull? Every football game has a kick-off.  = Basketball games have jump starts. Baseball has a first pitch.  But = soccer games start with a kick backwards.   A semi-col= on broke the law and was given two consecutive = sentences   I…

[Adapted from = “7 Habits of Highly Effective = People”]   Once upon a = time, a very strong woodcutter asked for a job in a timber merchant and = he got it. The pay was really good and so was the work condition. For = those reasons, the woodcutter…

At the height of another Chicago political corruption = trial, the U.S. Attorney attacked a witness. "Isn’t it true," = he bellowed, "that you accepted fifty thousand dollars to = compromise this case?"   The witness stared out the courtroom window, as though = he hadn’t heard the question.  …

**Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk = ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just = pretty much leave me alone.   **The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan = belt or…

Grandpa to 3 grandkids sitting in front of TV:  = “What are you kids doing sitting inside on such a beautiful summer = day?  Watching TV?  Didn’t I tell you that when I was = your age, you wouldn’t find me sitting around wasting the last = days of summer…

[All the = summer interns are gone. Here are MORE evaluations of crop failure in = our future worker pool]   She’s as = bright as Alaska in December.   One-celled = organisms out-score her in IQ tests.   Donated his = brain to science before he was done using…

[Evaluation of = our company’s employees as they left their summer job with us to = return to university. Names removed to protect any minimal hope they may = have of future employment] His co-workers would follow him = anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.   I would not…

Sometimes = people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant = to be there, to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson, or to = help you figure out who you are or who you want to become. You never = know…

**Our math = teacher asked, “Who would like a refresher course on Roman = numerals?”   Immediately my reply was, “I for = one.” **I found doing algebra with Roman numerals was = super-easy, since “x” always equaled = 10.   **Going to be = tested on Roman numerals next week. …

In religion and politics, people’s beliefs and = convictions are in almost every case gotten at second hand and without = examination. Always do right. This will = gratify some people and astonish the rest. If you tell the truth you = won’t have to remember anything. A man who…

I was on a business call when I realized I was late = for a class at the gym.  I must have sounded rushed, because the = woman on the phone asked, “Am I keeping you from = something?” I replied apologetically, “I have to = leave for tai chi.”…

Kenneth asked, “How many roads must a man travel = down before he admits he is lost?”   Scott said, “When checking my balance at the ATM, I = always select the ‘no receipt’ option. Nobody needs to carry = around that kind of negativity in their lives.”   Tim…

[Will = Rogers’ home-spun humor and plain talk is always a = joy]   Advertising is = the art of convincing people to spend money they don’t have for = something they don’t need.   We don’t seem = to be able to check crime, so why not legalize it…