Grif.Net

[Forwarded from a mother]

I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up something
off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do
that.

“Why?” she asked.

“Because it’s been lying outside and is dirty and probably has germs.”

At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Wow! How
do you know all this stuff?”

“Uh,” I was thinking quickly, “everyone knows this stuff. Um, it’s on the
Mommy test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mommy.”

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently
pondering this new information. “I get it!” she beamed. “Then if you flunk,
you have to be the Daddy.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin, www.grif.net

Rules for my Dogs

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with
each other so there are still two dogs in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the
middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food
and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by Nascar and is not a racetrack. Beating me
to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help, because I can
fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-size bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do NOT think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your
comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping; they can actually curl up in a
ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out
to the fullest extent possible. I also know
that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other
end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the
edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I
entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine
attendance is not mandatory – or even desired.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog’s rear end. I
cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

[The same rules apply to cats, except they ignore you, until you are asleep]

~~
Dr Bob Griffin, www.grif.net

A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest. A real friend opens your
refrigerator and helps himself/herself (and doesn’t feel even the least bit
weird shutting your Pepsi drawer’ with her foot!)

A simple friend asks if you’d like a drink. A real friend already has one
opened for you!

A simple friend has never seen you cry. A real friend has shoulders soggy
from your tears.

A simple friend doesn’t know your parents’ first names. A real friend has
their phone numbers in his address book/cell phone.

A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party. A real friend comes
early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean.

A simple friend hates it when you call after they’ve gone to bed. A real
friend asks you why you took so long to call.

A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems. A real friend
seeks to help you with your problems.

A simple friend wonders about your romantic history. A real friend could
blackmail you with it.

A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument. A
real friend calls you after you had a fight.

A simple friend expects you to always be there for them. A real friend
expects to always be there for you!

A simple friend reads this e-mail and deletes it. A real friend passes it on
and sends it back to you!

[Sending this to you all and back at Jason]

~~
Dr Bob Griffin, www.grif.net

In a news conference Deanna Favre announced she will be the starting
quarterback for the Packers this coming Sunday. Deanna asserts that she is
qualified to be starting QB because she has spent the past 16 years married
to Brett while he played QB for the Packers. During this period of time she
became familiar with the definition of a corner blitz, and is now completely
comfortable with other terminology of the Packers’ offense. A survey of
Packers’ fans shows that 50% of those polled supported the move.

Does this sound goofy and unbelievable to you? Well, someone else is
claiming qualification for becoming President because of experience of being
8 years in the
White House You guessed it – the pastry chef, I think!

~~
Dr Bob Griffin, www.grif.net