05/09/07 Grif.Net – If my Dog wrote the Dictionary

05/09/07 Grif.Net – If my Dog wrote the Dictionary

Leash. A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your
person where you want him/her to go.

Dog Bed. Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest
room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

Drool. What you do when your persons have food and you don’t. To do this
properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool
fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

Sniff. A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as
close as you can to the other dog’s rear end and inhale deeply; repeat
several times, or until your person makes you stop.

Garbage Can. A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test
your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off
with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers
to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

Bicycles. Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body
fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash
out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves
and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

Deafness. A malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in and
they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then
running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

Thunder. A signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain
amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the
danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and
following at their heels.

Wastebasket. A dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers.
When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the
house until your person comes home.

Sofa. A piece of furniture, to dogs as napkins are to people. After eating
it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers

Bath. This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and
themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

Lean. Every good dog’s response to the command “sit!” especially if your
person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie

Bump. The best way to get your human’s attention when they are drinking a
fresh cup of coffee or tea.

Goose bump. A maneuver to use as a last resort when a regular Bump doesn’t
get the attention you require…especially effective when combined with
Sniff (See above).

Love. A feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction.
The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you’re lucky, a
human will love you in return.

Dr Bob Griffin,
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given