Grif.Net

NEW COMPUTER BOOKS FOR 2008

* 1001 Arabian Bytes
* 20 000 PCs Under the Sea
* A Call to RAMs (for dyslexic readers)
* A Midsummer Nights D-ram
* A Tale of Two CDs
* Aesop’s Folders
* Alice in Cyberland
* All Quiet on the Western Font
* Around the Web in 90 Days
* Brave New World Wide Web
* Cache-22
* Call of the Filed
* Charlotte’s Web-site
* Comedy of Error Mistakes
* Disk Doctor Zhivago
* Disk Wittington and his Cache
* DOS Kapital
* Email and the Night Visitors
* Fall of the Mouse of User
* FortrAn of Green Gables
* Gates of Wrath
* Gone With the Windows
* Green Eggs and RAM
* James and the Giant PC
* Jane Error
* Johnny Domaine
* Little Mouse on the Prairie
* Lord of the Files
* Moby Disk
* Motherboard Goose
* The Mouse of Several Cables
* Netscape from Alcatraz
* Of Mouse and Man
* Old Man and the C-Drive
* One Flew Over the Internet
* Ramlet
* ROMulus and RAMus
* Silas Monitor
* The Byte of the Ancient Mariner
* The Cache of Monte Cristo
* The Pit and the Pentium
* The Scarlet Font
* The Three Little Gigs
* The URLing
* The Wizard of OS
* Uncle Tom’s Cache
* WANS Upon a Time
* War and PC
* Watership Download
* Wuthering Bytes
* Zorba the Geek

~~
Dr Bob Griffin, www.grif.net
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

THE OLD PATHS

I liked the old paths, when Moms were at home. Dads were at work. Brothers
went into the army. And sisters got married BEFORE having children!

Crime did not pay; hard work did. And people knew the difference.

Moms could cook; Dads would work; children would behave.

Husbands were loving; wives were supportive; and children were polite.

Women wore the jewelry and men wore the pants. Women looked like ladies; men
looked like gentlemen. And children looked decent.

People loved the truth, and hated a lie;

They came to church to get IN, not to get OUT!

Hymns sounded godly; sermons sounded helpful; rejoicing sounded normal; and
crying sounded sincere.

Cursing was wicked; drugs were for illness; and divorce was unthinkable.

The flag was honored; America was beautiful; and God was welcome!

We read the Bible in public; prayed in school; and preached from house to
house. To be called an American was worth dying for; to be called a
Christian was worth living for; to be called a traitor was a shame!

Preachers preached because they had a message; and Christians rejoiced
because they had the VICTORY! Preachers preached from the Bible; singers
sang from the heart; and sinners turned to the Lord to be SAVED!

A new birth meant a new life; salvation meant a changed life; following
Christ led to eternal life.

Being a preacher meant you proclaimed the word of God; being a deacon meant
you would serve the Lord; being a Christian meant you would live for Jesus;
and being a sinner meant someone was praying for you!

Laws were based on the Bible; homes read the Bible; and churches taught the
Bible.

God was worshiped; Christ was exalted; and the Holy Spirit was respected.

Church was where you found Christians on the Lord’s day, rather than in the
garden, on the creek bank, on the golf course, or being entertained
somewhere else.

I still like the old paths the best!

[‘The Old Paths’ was written by a retired minister in San Angelo, Texas]

~~
Dr Bob Griffin, www.grif.net
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

On our last cruise in the Pacific as we passed a small island, everyone
could see a bearded man on the beach. While too far to hear, we could see
he was shouting and desperately waving his hands.

After we all waved at the fellow, one of the passengers asked the captain,
“Who is that man?”

He replied, “I’ve no idea what his name is. Every year when we pass this
island, he is out there going nuts, so we get by as quickly as possible.”

~~

ANSWER to the ‘simple’ quiz yesterday

The correct answer was 10,990 (or 10,992 if you assume a bus driver, but not
mentioned in the problem).

7 girls x 7 bags = 49 bags
49 bags x 7 big cats each = 343 big cats
343 big cats x 7 kittens = 2401 kittens
therefore
343 big cats x 4 legs each = 1372 big cat legs
2401 kittens x 4 legs = 9604 kitten legs
7 girls x 2 legs = 14 kids legs
Total legs = 10,990

HONOR ROLL 10,990 = Phil B, Rob O, Tamera E, Jay J, Nancy, Gina T, Joe K,
Juli L, Dave M, Joel B, Fido, Lili H, Donna M, Luke I, Phyllis B, Bruce B

“Others” – Buzz. Wrong, but thank you for playing. Don 1582, Vicki M 210,
David A 84, Gram 343, Rocky M 1582, , Greg K 1388, Charles J 0, Esther H
9620, Michael K 1582, Robert M 2415, Bonnie T 229, Sick 575, Sue 240, Betty
Jo 1372, Roxie F 72, Bev W 14, Bernard T 42, Corey P 9618, Jenifer Y 238, LB
259, Pat B 1000, Rich B 238, Eugene H 0, Brian J 11144, Edgar O 9618, Josh D
0, Robert B 9648, Wayne R 9618, Allan H 0, Jack R 0, Harold M 232, Gary G
2401, Pat S 0, Frederick S 70, Christy I 11382, B Bam 77, Don C 9618, Brian
M posed an addition question of ‘How many seats on the bus’, since they have
legs too.

(I said “There is a bus with seven girls . . .” Those with “0” assumed the
kids were WITH the bus not in it, etc, and this was some trick question. But
simple English skill was not the test! I just think they were having
trouble with the math!!!)

If you think you “know” who a person is from the names above, remember the
grif.net goes out to more than 5000 of my closest friends every day. These
names are from around the globe and probably not from your
neck-of-the-woods. Or maybe . .

~~
Dr Bob Griffin, www.grif.net
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given

New Semester Begin! Test your math!
(Thanks to Lindsay, in Australia. Try doing it in your head – no paper or
calculator. Then when you fail, use anything short of a slide rule to figure
this simple quiz out)

There is a bus with 7 girls
Each girl carries 7 bags
Inside each bag there are 7 cats
Every cat has 7 kittens
(All cats have 4 legs each)

Question: How many legs are in the bus?

(Feel free to email guesses; I will give credit to those who choose wisely)

~~
Dr Bob Griffin, www.grif.net
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given

[This is a 1999 actual job application of a 17-year-old boy submitted at a
McDonald’s fast-food establishment in Florida.]

NAME: Greg B_________

SEX: Waiting for marriage.

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously,
whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be
applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style
severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP
TO 50 LBS? Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do
you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a
winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE? On the job no, on my breaks, yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a
fabulously wealthy dumb blonde supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing
since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now!

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE? Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN BELOW:
Capricorn

[NOTE: Greg was hired because he was so honest and funny]

~~
Dr Bob Griffin, www.grif.net
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given

[My diet is working – 9# in 13 days – but my exercise program is still a
little “iffy”. Here are few random thoughts I’m considering about exercise.]

*Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to
spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

*My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she’s
97 years old and we have no idea where she is.

*The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy
breathing again.

*I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a
pound. Apparently you have to go there.

*I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what
I’m doing.

*I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

*I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

*The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

*If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

And last but not least . .

*You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!

~~
Dr Bob Griffin, www.grif.net
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given

[Last year we sent some “Ponderisms” floating around the ‘net. Bob J
forwarded some more to help us start the New Year]

Why does a round pizza only come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated
Instead of just murdered?

Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried
in for eternity?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up like
every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you
naked anyway.

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why
can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

~~
Dr Bob Griffin, www.grif.net
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given

You don’t stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop
laughing!

MY TOP TEN PREDICTIONS FOR 2008

1. The Bible will still have all the answers.
2. Prayer will still work.
3. The Holy Spirit will still move the hearts of men.
4. God will still inhabit the praises of His people.
5. The blood still covers all sin.
6. The Gospel will still be proclaimed to the entire world.
7. God will still pour out blessings upon His people.
8. No matter what happens, God is still on the throne.
9. God will still love you.
10. Heaven will still be my goal, by God’s grace alone.

God whispers in your soul and speaks to your mind. Sometimes when you don’t
have time to listen, He has to throw a brick at you.

In 2008, it’s your choice: Listen to the whisper, or wait for the brick.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin, www.grif.net

CHOOSING A SUPER-HERO NAME

1. Don’t call yourself by your real name: e.g., Ms. Jenny Pinchuck, The
Amazing Bob.

2. Don’t call yourself by someone else’s real name: e.g., Mr. Teddy Kennedy,
Captain Dean Martin.

3. Choose a name that suggests power, heroism and prowess: e.g., Captain
Power, Thunderman, Mr. Invincible, Justiceman.

4. Don’t be too modest: e.g., Mr. Pretty Good, Captain So-so, Fairly
Incredibleman.

5. But don’t labor the point: e.g., Mr.
So-Powerful-Don’t-Even-Think-About-It-Buddy.

6. Don’t choose a name detrimental to your crime fighting image: e.g.,
Captain Spongecake, Mr. Silly, Yellow Streak, Purple Slippers, or Captain
Evil

7. Don’t choose the name of an existing Superhero unless you have lots of
money and enjoy fighting litigation instead of super villains.

8. It’s no use calling yourself Captain Invincible if your only power is
control over Hostess Twinkies and you suffer from a congenital heart
condition. It’s just asking for trouble.

9. Don’t call yourself the Invisible Boy if you’re not. Don’t call yourself
the Invisible Boy if you’re a girl. And don’t call yourself the Invisible
Lady if you’re a man — even if you do feel like a woman trapped in a man’s
body.

10. Don’t give away important information in your name, e.g. The Glass Jaw,
Captain Vulnerable To Strontium 90.

Bonus: Don’t call yourself The Green Avenger if you wear an orange costume.
You’ll confuse people.

~~
Dr Bob “The Gasman” Griffin, www.grif.net

RANDOM THOUGHTS ABOUT PARENTHOOD

If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something
called labor!

Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your
car, and you get about the same results.

The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are
still on your side.

Avenge yourself ~~~ live long enough to be a problem to your children.

The best way to keep kids at home is to give it a loving atmosphere ~~ and
hide the keys to the car.

Parents: People who bare infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.

The joy of motherhood: What a woman experiences when all the children are
finally in bed.

Life’s golden age is when the kids are too old to need babysitters and too
young to borrow the family car.

Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can
tell when he’s really in trouble.

Grandparents are similar to a piece of string ~ handy to have around and
easily wrapped around the fingers of grandchildren.

There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to
do it, or forbid your children to do it.

Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the
driveway during a snowstorm.

Oh, to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was
small, and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am.

There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable
diseases and his mother’s age.

Adolescence is the age at which children stop asking questions because they
know all the answers.

An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who don’t have children.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin, www.grif.net

Pam appeared on “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” when Regis Philbin was
emcee.

Regis: “Pam, you’re up to $500,000 with one lifeline left: phone a friend.
If you get it right, the next question is worth one million dollars. If you
get it wrong, you drop back to $32,000. Are you ready?”

Pam: “Yes.”

Regis: “Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it A)
robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush.”

Pam: “I’d like to phone a friend. I’d like to call Carol.”

Carol (no comment on hair color) answers the phone: “Hello?”

Regis: “Hello Carol, it’s Regis Philbin from Who Wants to be a Millionaire.
I have your friend Pam here who needs your help to answer the one million
dollar question. The next voice you hear will be Pam’s…”

Pam: “Carol, which of the following birds does not build it’s own nest? Is
it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush?”

Carol: “Goodness, Pam. That’s simple. It’s a cuckoo.”

Pam: “Are you sure?”

Carol: “I’m sure.”

Regis: “Pam, you heard Carol. Do you keep the $500,000 or play for the
million?”

Pam: “I want to play; I’ll go with C) cuckoo.”

Regis: “Is that your final answer?”

Pam: “Yes.”

Regis: “Are you confident?”

Pam: “Yes; I think Carol’s pretty smart.”

Regis: “You said C) cuckoo, and you’re right! Congratulations, you have just
won one million dollars!”

To celebrate, Pam flew Carol to New York. That night they went out on the
town. As they’re sipping champagne, Pam looks at Carol and asks her, “Tell
me how you knew that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?”

“That’s easy. Everybody knows they live in clocks.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin, www.grif.net

[Forwarded from a mother]

I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up something
off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do
that.

“Why?” she asked.

“Because it’s been lying outside and is dirty and probably has germs.”

At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Wow! How
do you know all this stuff?”

“Uh,” I was thinking quickly, “everyone knows this stuff. Um, it’s on the
Mommy test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mommy.”

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently
pondering this new information. “I get it!” she beamed. “Then if you flunk,
you have to be the Daddy.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin, www.grif.net

Rules for my Dogs

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with
each other so there are still two dogs in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the
middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food
and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by Nascar and is not a racetrack. Beating me
to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help, because I can
fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-size bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do NOT think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your
comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping; they can actually curl up in a
ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out
to the fullest extent possible. I also know
that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other
end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the
edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I
entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine
attendance is not mandatory – or even desired.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog’s rear end. I
cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

[The same rules apply to cats, except they ignore you, until you are asleep]

~~
Dr Bob Griffin, www.grif.net