[Joyce forwarded these examples of “speaking Suthran”] When you hear someone say, ‘Well, I caught myself lookin’,’ you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner! Only true Southerners say ‘sweet tea’ and ‘sweet milk.’ Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it — we…

Sue forwarded this from the “Scientific Journal of America”, June 1, 2008 Research has lead to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass…

Man: “Doc I am having a problem in remembering things.” Doc: “And when did this problem start?” Man: “Problem? What problem?” Man: “Doc, my wife thinks she’s a motorcycle.” Doc: “Give her this pill and she’ll be okay.” Man: “But if I do, how am I going to get home?”…

[Enjoyed celebrating our nation’s birthday last week, so here is a compilation of thoughts on our “real” roots often missing in modern textbooks] Did you know that 52 of the 55 signers of The Declaration of Independence were orthodox, deeply committed Christians? The other three all believed in the Bible…

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why…

LB writes that “The other day my neighbor came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy! I didn’t know why she was jumping so excitedly, but I thought, ‘What in the world??’, and I starting jumping up and down along with her. She said, ‘I have some…

[Many wrote after yesterday’s puns and said PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE. I assume they were begging for more!] The police caught a burglar last night when he broke into our home through the bathroom window. Evidently he landed on the bathroom scale and gave himself a weigh. ~~ The price of…

[A few ba-a-a-a-a-d word plays for July] Ever since my friend had all the digits amputated from his feet, I find him very annoying. I think I might be lack-toes intolerant. ~~~ The policeman pulled over a car onto the side of the road and walked over to the driver.…

My friend Jim came by the house on his way home from the doctor looking very worried. Naturally I asked, “What’s the problem?” Jim answered, “The doctor told me I have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life.” “So what?” I replied. “I know lots…

George W’s War No one likes war. War is a horrific affair, bloody and expensive. Sending our men and women into battle to perhaps die or be maimed is an unconscionable thought. Yet some wars need to be waged, and someone needs to lead. The citizenry and Congress are often…

[Phone rings] – Super Duper computer store. May I help you? “Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.” – Mac? “No, the name’s Bob.” – Your computer? “I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.” – Mac? “I told…

Joyce forwarded these “Foxworthy gems” You’re not a kid anymore WHEN… You quit trying to hold in your stomach, no matter who walks into the room. You enjoy watching the News. The phone rings and you hope its not for you. The only reason you’re still awake at 4 AM…

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.…