[This is a 1999 actual job application of a 17-year-old boy submitted at a
McDonald’s fast-food establishment in Florida.]

NAME: Greg B_________

SEX: Waiting for marriage.

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously,
whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be
applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style
severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP
TO 50 LBS? Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do
you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a
winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE? On the job no, on my breaks, yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a
fabulously wealthy dumb blonde supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing
since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now!

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE? Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN BELOW:
Capricorn

[NOTE: Greg was hired because he was so honest and funny]

~~
Dr Bob Griffin, www.grif.net
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given

[My diet is working – 9# in 13 days – but my exercise program is still a
little “iffy”. Here are few random thoughts I’m considering about exercise.]

*Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to
spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

*My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she’s
97 years old and we have no idea where she is.

*The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy
breathing again.

*I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a
pound. Apparently you have to go there.

*I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what
I’m doing.

*I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

*I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

*The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

*If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

And last but not least . .

*You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!

~~
Dr Bob Griffin, www.grif.net
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given

[Last year we sent some “Ponderisms” floating around the ‘net. Bob J
forwarded some more to help us start the New Year]

Why does a round pizza only come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated
Instead of just murdered?

Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried
in for eternity?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up like
every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you
naked anyway.

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why
can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

~~
Dr Bob Griffin, www.grif.net
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given

You don’t stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop
laughing!

MY TOP TEN PREDICTIONS FOR 2008

1. The Bible will still have all the answers.
2. Prayer will still work.
3. The Holy Spirit will still move the hearts of men.
4. God will still inhabit the praises of His people.
5. The blood still covers all sin.
6. The Gospel will still be proclaimed to the entire world.
7. God will still pour out blessings upon His people.
8. No matter what happens, God is still on the throne.
9. God will still love you.
10. Heaven will still be my goal, by God’s grace alone.

God whispers in your soul and speaks to your mind. Sometimes when you don’t
have time to listen, He has to throw a brick at you.

In 2008, it’s your choice: Listen to the whisper, or wait for the brick.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin, www.grif.net

CHOOSING A SUPER-HERO NAME

1. Don’t call yourself by your real name: e.g., Ms. Jenny Pinchuck, The
Amazing Bob.

2. Don’t call yourself by someone else’s real name: e.g., Mr. Teddy Kennedy,
Captain Dean Martin.

3. Choose a name that suggests power, heroism and prowess: e.g., Captain
Power, Thunderman, Mr. Invincible, Justiceman.

4. Don’t be too modest: e.g., Mr. Pretty Good, Captain So-so, Fairly
Incredibleman.

5. But don’t labor the point: e.g., Mr.
So-Powerful-Don’t-Even-Think-About-It-Buddy.

6. Don’t choose a name detrimental to your crime fighting image: e.g.,
Captain Spongecake, Mr. Silly, Yellow Streak, Purple Slippers, or Captain
Evil

7. Don’t choose the name of an existing Superhero unless you have lots of
money and enjoy fighting litigation instead of super villains.

8. It’s no use calling yourself Captain Invincible if your only power is
control over Hostess Twinkies and you suffer from a congenital heart
condition. It’s just asking for trouble.

9. Don’t call yourself the Invisible Boy if you’re not. Don’t call yourself
the Invisible Boy if you’re a girl. And don’t call yourself the Invisible
Lady if you’re a man — even if you do feel like a woman trapped in a man’s
body.

10. Don’t give away important information in your name, e.g. The Glass Jaw,
Captain Vulnerable To Strontium 90.

Bonus: Don’t call yourself The Green Avenger if you wear an orange costume.
You’ll confuse people.

~~
Dr Bob “The Gasman” Griffin, www.grif.net

RANDOM THOUGHTS ABOUT PARENTHOOD

If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something
called labor!

Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your
car, and you get about the same results.

The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are
still on your side.

Avenge yourself ~~~ live long enough to be a problem to your children.

The best way to keep kids at home is to give it a loving atmosphere ~~ and
hide the keys to the car.

Parents: People who bare infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.

The joy of motherhood: What a woman experiences when all the children are
finally in bed.

Life’s golden age is when the kids are too old to need babysitters and too
young to borrow the family car.

Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can
tell when he’s really in trouble.

Grandparents are similar to a piece of string ~ handy to have around and
easily wrapped around the fingers of grandchildren.

There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to
do it, or forbid your children to do it.

Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the
driveway during a snowstorm.

Oh, to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was
small, and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am.

There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable
diseases and his mother’s age.

Adolescence is the age at which children stop asking questions because they
know all the answers.

An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who don’t have children.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin, www.grif.net

Pam appeared on “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” when Regis Philbin was
emcee.

Regis: “Pam, you’re up to $500,000 with one lifeline left: phone a friend.
If you get it right, the next question is worth one million dollars. If you
get it wrong, you drop back to $32,000. Are you ready?”

Pam: “Yes.”

Regis: “Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it A)
robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush.”

Pam: “I’d like to phone a friend. I’d like to call Carol.”

Carol (no comment on hair color) answers the phone: “Hello?”

Regis: “Hello Carol, it’s Regis Philbin from Who Wants to be a Millionaire.
I have your friend Pam here who needs your help to answer the one million
dollar question. The next voice you hear will be Pam’s…”

Pam: “Carol, which of the following birds does not build it’s own nest? Is
it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush?”

Carol: “Goodness, Pam. That’s simple. It’s a cuckoo.”

Pam: “Are you sure?”

Carol: “I’m sure.”

Regis: “Pam, you heard Carol. Do you keep the $500,000 or play for the
million?”

Pam: “I want to play; I’ll go with C) cuckoo.”

Regis: “Is that your final answer?”

Pam: “Yes.”

Regis: “Are you confident?”

Pam: “Yes; I think Carol’s pretty smart.”

Regis: “You said C) cuckoo, and you’re right! Congratulations, you have just
won one million dollars!”

To celebrate, Pam flew Carol to New York. That night they went out on the
town. As they’re sipping champagne, Pam looks at Carol and asks her, “Tell
me how you knew that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?”

“That’s easy. Everybody knows they live in clocks.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin, www.grif.net

[Forwarded from a mother]

I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up something
off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do
that.

“Why?” she asked.

“Because it’s been lying outside and is dirty and probably has germs.”

At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Wow! How
do you know all this stuff?”

“Uh,” I was thinking quickly, “everyone knows this stuff. Um, it’s on the
Mommy test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mommy.”

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently
pondering this new information. “I get it!” she beamed. “Then if you flunk,
you have to be the Daddy.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin, www.grif.net

Rules for my Dogs

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with
each other so there are still two dogs in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the
middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food
and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by Nascar and is not a racetrack. Beating me
to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help, because I can
fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-size bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do NOT think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your
comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping; they can actually curl up in a
ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out
to the fullest extent possible. I also know
that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other
end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the
edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I
entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine
attendance is not mandatory – or even desired.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog’s rear end. I
cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

[The same rules apply to cats, except they ignore you, until you are asleep]

~~
Dr Bob Griffin, www.grif.net

A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest. A real friend opens your
refrigerator and helps himself/herself (and doesn’t feel even the least bit
weird shutting your Pepsi drawer’ with her foot!)

A simple friend asks if you’d like a drink. A real friend already has one
opened for you!

A simple friend has never seen you cry. A real friend has shoulders soggy
from your tears.

A simple friend doesn’t know your parents’ first names. A real friend has
their phone numbers in his address book/cell phone.

A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party. A real friend comes
early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean.

A simple friend hates it when you call after they’ve gone to bed. A real
friend asks you why you took so long to call.

A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems. A real friend
seeks to help you with your problems.

A simple friend wonders about your romantic history. A real friend could
blackmail you with it.

A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument. A
real friend calls you after you had a fight.

A simple friend expects you to always be there for them. A real friend
expects to always be there for you!

A simple friend reads this e-mail and deletes it. A real friend passes it on
and sends it back to you!

[Sending this to you all and back at Jason]

~~
Dr Bob Griffin, www.grif.net

In a news conference Deanna Favre announced she will be the starting
quarterback for the Packers this coming Sunday. Deanna asserts that she is
qualified to be starting QB because she has spent the past 16 years married
to Brett while he played QB for the Packers. During this period of time she
became familiar with the definition of a corner blitz, and is now completely
comfortable with other terminology of the Packers’ offense. A survey of
Packers’ fans shows that 50% of those polled supported the move.

Does this sound goofy and unbelievable to you? Well, someone else is
claiming qualification for becoming President because of experience of being
8 years in the
White House You guessed it – the pastry chef, I think!

~~
Dr Bob Griffin, www.grif.net