Top 10 excerpts from various employee evaluation forms:

10. This person is not really so much of a has-been, but more definitely a
won’t-be.

9. A clock watcher who’s in a different time zone than the rest of the
office.

8. He’s so dense, light bends around him.

7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them.

6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

5. If his IQ were any lower, we’d be watering him twice a week.

4. It’s hard to believe he beat out a million other sperm.

3. I wouldn’t allow this employee to breed.

2. Has a room temperature IQ.

1. Works well, when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap.

Bonus: Since my last evaluation, this employee has reached rock bottom and
has started to dig.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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[Lots of humor out there between the President and the Candidates. Jokes are
often interchangeable so borrow one and use it for/against your choices!!]

The President was heckled by someone in the UCLA crowd who said, ‘Don’t
forget about legalizing marijuana.’
The Secret Service has narrowed the suspects down to everyone in L.A.

Fidel Castro declared that a robot would do a better job as president than
Barack Obama.
After hearing this, Mitt Romney thanked Castro for his endorsement.

What’s Obama’s new slogan for the 2012 campaign in these tough times?
‘Spare Change You Can Believe In’

Rick Santorum’s overall approval rating is 38%. Sadly, his sweater vest
comes in at only 17%.

Newt Gingrich is so pro-marriage, he can’t stop doing it.

Was the President correct when he compared himself to Gandhi?
It is true. He’s created a lot of jobs in India.

After 3 years of Obama, most Americans woke up and realized that 15 years
ago we had entrepreneurs like Steve Jobs, entertainers like Johnny Cash and
comedians like Bob Hope. Today we have no Jobs, no Cash and no Hope.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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Planning to visit grandkids in a few weeks, so gotta “up” my jokes for them.
Well, try to do better . . .

Q. What do you call a cow without legs?
A. Ground beef.

Q. Why does a seagull fly over the sea?
A. Because if it flew over the bay it would be called a bagel.

Q. How did my grandson act just like George Washington?
A. Both went down in history.

Q. Why do we dress newborn baby girls in pink and baby boys in blue?
A. Because they can’t dress themselves.

Q. Why didn’t the skeleton need a telephone?
A. He had no body to talk with.

Q: What is the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish?
A: You can tune a guitar but you can’t tuna fish.

Q. What do you call a thief who fell and broke his leg in wet cement?
A. A hardened criminal.

Q. What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
A. One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the
pause.

Q. What kind of street do ghosts want to live on?
A. A dead end.
.
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.

If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a
fruit salad.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, ‘In case of
emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’

I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a
bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t
get away.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a
garage makes you a car.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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[For new subscribers to the Grif.Net: on Monday-Friday we send out a
slightly warped blend of humor. On the weekend we send out material that is
more serious of a moral, ethical, religious or political nature. This week I
had TWO BIRTHDAYS, and every year I share this story on the Grif.Net that
includes a little bit of my personal life (and my heart) with all the
faithful readers, even if you've heard it before! Will return to humor
Monday, Lord willing.]

PART ONE:
March 14, 1948 was a momentous day for Bud and Helen Griffin of Minneapolis.
Bud had come home from WWII in the Philippines and now they were expecting a
baby. A strapping little baby boy, Robert Edward Griffin, Jr, was born at
the Swedish Hospital that morning, at just over 7 pounds. While the family
was dirt poor, they had each other, lots of kin folk, and even more love
than any family deserves.

I did not walk until 24 months. I did not talk until 26 months. They
actually took me to a specialist (a Jewish doctor) to find out if I was
retarded. Don’t get ahead of me. He said “No” and indicated that once I
started to talk, they would never be able to shut me up. Prophetic!

I almost died that 2nd summer. TB was rampant and I could not breathe. So it
was recommended to put me in a tuberculosis sanatorium (note the spelling)
and hope I would survive. Once there, I was tested and found to “only” have
bronchial asthma and sent home.

Polio hit our block in 1956. It killed a couple of my classmates and
crippled Jerry a few doors up the alley from us. The tragedy and reality of
death brought a new sincerity to our prayers and search for God. From there
it was growing up during the Korean War, H-bomb drills in school (like
hiding under a desk would help a nuclear attack) and drifting from religion
to religion – tried Jewish like most neighbors, then Catholic, then Baptist.

PART TWO
March 17, 1957, was the second most momentous day. My mother had been
sending my sister and me a few blocks away to a Baptist church in the inner
city of Minneapolis. There God began to do a work in my heart. Now, I
wasn’t a BAD kid – hey, I was only in 4th grade for goodness sake! But I
knew I was a sinner worthy of God’s judgment. And with the very real threat
that my world could end any day through sickness or war, I was not ready!

Guess I should thank God for ordaining my salvation from before the
foundation of the world, because I’m living fulfillment of the verse in Acts
13:48 ” . . as many as were ordained to eternal life, believed.” Wow. All
of a sudden my feeble faith (that was the regenerative work of the Holy
Spirit) on that March 17th cried out in repentance to God to save me from
hell and wash away my sin. It was ALL God’s grace. Kinda like a baby
celebrating his birthday – the baby had not really ANYTHING to do with it!
Conceived and delivered by miracle – all the baby does is get squeegeed out
and start crying!

But that day changed the course of the rest of my life. Oh, life went on
with school, college, grad work, marriage, ordination and three wonderful
kids of my own, 10 grandkids, pastoring, and serving as a college dean and
professor. But I was “born again” – not out of some emotional hype of
high-pressure salesmanship or from a knee-jerk reaction to a movie, but an
inner moving of God that has never left me and continues to give fulfillment
and purpose to my life.

So, born physically March 14th, born again March 17th. And now, facing
heaven. All of us “boomers” are facing our own mortality. When in 2003 the
doctors said “You have six months to live. Maybe 1 or 2 painful years at the
most”, it hung heavily around my neck. Nobody is sure of ANY day, but we
all plan like there will be endless tomorrows.

But you know, I didn’t have a thing to do with my day of birth. I didn’t
have a thing to do with being the recipient of God’s grace on my second
“birthday”. And I won’t have a thing to do with the day that HE has
appointed for me to go to heaven – whether at 64 or 104. I don’t believe
doctors and I sure don’t trust them (don’t tell my wife, the doctor). I
believe God has a plan. I wasn’t born by accident and wasn’t born again by
accident either. GOD is the blessed controller of all things. And until
that plan is complete, and not a minute sooner, I plan to live every day to
the fullest!

So today is St. Bob’s Day – March 17th. I am rejoicing that God has given me
another year to live, celebrated with cake and candles (and fire
extinguisher, just in case) and now the anniversary of my “becoming a
saint”. So I share the day with Patrick, but I’m not wearin’ the green.
Since my second birth, I’ve been wearing robes of righteousness! And
waiting to see my Lord at His divinely appointed time.

Thanks for listening. And trust YOU can celebrate TWO birthdays in 2012 as
well. If you have questions, I consider myself a cyber-friend and happy to
dialog with you.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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Two college buddies were out in the woods on a camping trip when the came
upon a great trout stream. They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing,
which was super.

At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college
soon and heading different directions, they vowed that they would meet in
twenty years, at the same place to renew the experience.

Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been
years before. They walked into the woods and before long came upon the
stream. One of the men said to the other, “This is the exact place!”

The other replied, “No, it’s not!”

The first man said, “Yes, it is. I recognize the clover growing on the bank
on the other side.”

To which his friend chided, “Silly, you can’t judge a brook by its clover.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and
I saw a little boy staring in at me.

‘Is that a dog you got back there?’ he asked.

‘It sure is,’ I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally
he said, ‘What’d he do?’

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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Today (March 14) I turn 64. Yippee! With that and 50 cents I can get a cup
of coffee at Hardees. Here are some thoughts I’m considering this day:

1. I much prefer being ‘over the hill’ to being ‘under’ it.

2. The best birthdays of all are those I will celebrate in 2013, 2014, 2015,
2016, 2017, 2018, 2019 etc. .

3. Growing old is inevitable. Growing up is not even an option.

4. The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it
once.

5. The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie
about your age.

6. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

7. Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the
most live the longest.

8. You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

9. Age is a high price to pay for maturity.

10. We know we’re getting old when the only thing we want for our birthday
is not to be reminded of it

Bonus: No wise man ever wished to be younger.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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Facing a birthday, so sharing some insights with my friends.
You Know You’re Old When . . .

1. You and your teeth don’t sleep together.

2. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

3. You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”

4. The clothes you’ve put away until they come back in style… come back in
style.

5. Things you buy now won’t wear out.

6. Happy hour is a nap.

7. You can’t remember how old you are

8. You sing along with the elevator music.

9. You wear black socks with sandals.

10. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

Bonus: You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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10 Things It Took Me 50 Years to Learn (sent by a friend and appropriate for
celebrating my birthday this week)

Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

There can be a fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

You should never confuse your career with your life.

No matter what happens in life, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.

Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

Never lick a steak knife.

Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

Nobody can give me a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight
savings time.

A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a nice person.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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An old farmer went to the city one weekend and attended the big city church.
He came home and his wife asked him how it was. “Well,” said the farmer. “It
was good. They did something different, however. They sang praise choruses
instead of hymns.”

“Praise choruses?” asked the wife. “What are those?

“Oh, they’re okay. They’re sort of like hymns, only different,” said the
farmer.

“Well, what’s the difference?” asked the wife.

The farmer said, “Well it’s like this . If I were to say to you, ‘Martha,
the cows are in the corn,’ well that would be a hymn. If, on the other hand,
I were to say to you, ‘Martha, Martha, Martha, Oh, Martha, MARTHA, MARTHA,
the cows, the big cows, the brown cows, the black cows, the white cows, the
black and white cows, the COWS, COWS, COWS are in the corn, are in the corn,
are in the corn, in the CORN, CORN, CORN, COOOOORRRRRNNNNN,’ then, if I were
to repeat the whole thing two or three times, well that would be a praise
chorus.”

As luck would have it, the exact same Sunday a young, new Christian from a
college church attended the small town church. He came home and his wife
asked him how it was. “Well,” said the young man, “It was good. They did
something different, however. They sang hymns instead of regular songs.”

“Hymns?” asked the wife. “What are those?”

“They’re okay. They’re sort of like regular songs, only different,” said the
young man.

“Well, what’s the difference?” asked the wife.

The young man said, “Well it’s like this . If I were to say to you, ‘Martha,
the cows are in the corn,’ well that would be a regular song. If on the
other hand, I were to say to you,

Oh Martha, dear Martha, hear thou my cry
Inclinest thine ear to the words of my mouth.
Turn thou thy whole wondrous ear by and by
To the righteous, glorious truth.

For the way of the animals who can explain
There in their heads is no shadow of sense,
Hearkenest they in God’s sun or his rain
Unless from the mild, tempting corn they are fenced.

Yea those cows in glad bovine, rebellious delight,
Have broke free their shackles, their warm pens eschewed.
Then goaded by minions of darkness and night
They all my mild Chilliwack sweet corn chewed.

So look to that bright shining day by and by,
Where all foul corruptions of earth are reborn
Where no vicious animal makes my soul cry
And I no longer see those foul cows in the corn.

Then, if I were to do only verses one, three and four, and change keys on
the last verse, well that would be a hymn.”

[from Grin and Share It]

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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[Couple of my friends recently posted thoughts on marriage. NONE of these
are original with me, in case my wife reads this grif.net page. Of course,
my opinions are my wife's anyway, and she says I'm lucky to have them at
all.]

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need are two
hearts and a diamond. Ten years later you will want a club and a spade.

~~
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand
her at all.

~~
There are only two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman – before
marriage and after marriage.

~~
Agatha Christie advised, ‘An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can
have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.’

~~
If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don’t stand in her way.

~~
Remember. Do not marry a tennis player. To them, love means nothing.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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Walking by a fortune teller shop on the way home from school, little Chloe
asked her friend, “Do you think people can predict the future with cards?”

“oh, yes”, said Justin. “My mother can.”

“Really?”

“I’m sure. She’ll take one look at my report card and tell me exactly what
will happen when my father gets home.”

[Thanks to Jack for the smile]
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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