The wife and I were headed to California and out of the snow and cold of
Wyoming. Now, I’m into Christmas, but can’t stand airports with tacky red
and green decor, and loudspeakers blaring elevator renditions of well-known
Christmas music.

I grit my teeth and went to check in our single suitcase (with baggage fees
so high, we now consolidate), when I saw some mistletoe hanging. Not real
mistletoe mind you, but very cheap imitation plastic with red paint on the
rounder parts and green paint on the flatter and pointier parts, that could
be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of frustration and nowhere else to vent it, I
said to the attendant, “Even if I were not happily married, I would not want
to kiss you under such a gross mockery of mistletoe.”

“Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is hanging,” mentioned the
attendant.

“Ok, I see that it’s above the luggage scale, which is the place you’d have
to step forward for a kiss,” I responded.

The attendant answered, “That’s not why it’s there.”

“Ok, I give up,” I muttered, now totally annoyed. “Then, why is it there?”

She smiled and replied, “It’s there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye.”

~~
ANSWERS

1. What is usually concealed in the Christmas pudding? A coin

2. A traditional advent calendar has how many days? 24

3. Last day of Christmas is called – Twelfth Night

4.Traditional Christingle can be made by which fruit? Orange

5.Christmas is connected to which flower traditionally? Poinsettia

6. Why do we shorten Christmas to Xmas? “X” (Chi) is the first letter of the
Greek word for Christ

7. The fashion for Christmas trees was started by which couple? Queen
Victoria and Prince Albert

8. The ’12 Days of Christmas’ occur – The 12 days AFTER Christmas: December
26 to January 6

9. Jesus born in which season? Spring (But I disagree and say December)

10. One of the most loved Christmas books is ‘A Christmas Carol’. Who wrote
it? Charles Dickens

11. Which well-known author created a book called The Father Christmas
Letters? J.R.R. Tolkien

12. What is the first line of the second verse of ‘Angels from the Realms of
Glory’? Shepherds in the fields abiding

13. The first commercial Christmas card got a hostile reception from some
people because – It depicted a family (children as well as adults) drinking
wine

14. Name the traditional Christmas plant which is NOT poisonous? Poinsettia

15. What is the number of reindeer that the Santa has? 9

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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[Some easy. Some hard. Test your knowledge of Christmas traditions]

1. What is usually concealed in the Christmas pudding?

2. A traditional advent calendar has how many days?

3. What is the last day of Christmas called?

4.Traditional Christingle can be made by which fruit?

5.Christmas is connected to which flower traditionally?

6. Why do we shorten Christmas to Xmas?

7. The fashion for Christmas trees was started by which royal couple?

8. When do the ’12 Days of Christmas’ occur?

9. Most scholars think Jesus was born in which season?

10. One of the most loved Christmas books is ‘A Christmas Carol’. Who wrote
it?

11. Which well-known author created a book called The Father Christmas
Letters?

12. What is the first line of the second verse of ‘Angels from the Realms of
Glory’?

13. Why did the first commercial Christmas card get a hostile reception from
some people?

14. Name the traditional Christmas plant which is NOT poisonous?

15. What is the number of reindeer that the Santa has?

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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[Told by CS that this was a true story]

My brother and his wife had been out shopping at the mall for most of the
afternoon when suddenly, my sister-in-law realized that her husband had
disappeared.

Somewhat irate, she called his cell phone and demanded: “Where did you go?”

My brother calmly replied, “Darling, you remember that jewelry shop where
you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn’t
have money that time and I said, ‘Baby, it’ll be yours one day’?”

With a smile (and blushing slightly), she said, “Yes, I remember that, my
love.”

“Well, I’m at the Home Depot next to that shop.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that
you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

While he’s in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

Leave him a note, explaining that you’ve gone away for the holidays. Ask if
he would mind watering your plants.

While he’s in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then
wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when
he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say
“We hate Christmas,” and “Go away Santa.”

Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and
wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way
home.

While he’s in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes
back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn’t have missed that last payment,
and take off.

Take everything out of your house as if it’s just been robbed. When Santa
arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, “Well, well. They always
return to the scene of the crime.”

Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and
corrections.

Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa’s sure to see them.
Go outside, yell, “Ooh! Look! A deer! And he’s got a red nose!” and fire a
gun.

Leave Santa a note, explaining that you’ve moved. Include a map with unclear
and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, “This
neighborhood ain’t big enough for the both of us.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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‘Our hearts grow tender with childhood memories and love of kindred, and we
are better throughout the year for having, in spirit, become a child again
at Christmas time.’
~Laura Ingalls Wilder

‘I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.’
~Charles Dickens

‘He who has no Christmas in his heart will never find Christmas under a
tree.’
~Roy L. Smith

‘I heard the bells on Christmas Day their old, familiar carols play,
And wild and sweet the words repeat of peace on earth, goodwill to men.’
~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

‘Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of
children, they are all 30 feet tall.’
~Larry Wilde

‘Each year I have a long-standing Christmas shopping complaint.’
~Bob Griffin

‘One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the
living room on Christmas day. Don’t clean it up too quickly.’
~Andy Rooney

‘The earth has grown old with its burden of care
But at Christmas it always is young,
The heart of the jewel burns lustrous and fair
And its soul full of music breaks the air,
When the song of angels is sung.’
~Phillip Brooks

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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It may never replace Hallmark, but here are some specialty card ideas for
the Christmas holidays . . .

For Sheep:
“A merry Christmas to ewe”
“Season’s Bleatings”

For Cats:
“I wish you a furry merry Christmas and a Happy mew year”

For Gorillas:
“Jungle Bells, Jungle Bells”

For Sheep in Los Angeles:
“Fleece Navidad”

For Laboratory Rats:
“It’s beginning to look a lot like cris-mouse”

For Sharks:
“Have a Holly Jawly Christmas”

For Puppies:
“Fleas Navidog”
“Yappy New Year”

For Fish:
“Hope you enjoy this Christmas Cod”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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‘Twas the night before Christmas and Santa’s a wreck…
How to live in a world that’s politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to “Elves”,
“Vertically Challenged” they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.

And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called “Unenlightened.”
And to show you the strangeness of life’s ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she’d enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he’d ne’er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that’s warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets…they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football…someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passé;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you’ve got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere…even you.
So here is that gift, it’s price beyond worth…
“May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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Just before Christmas, God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil
that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it
out. So He called one of His best angels and sent the angel to Earth for a
time. When the angel returned, the verdict was, “Yes it is bad on Earth -
95% is bad and 5% is good.”

Well, He thought for a moment and said, maybe He’d better send down a second
angel to get another point of view. So God called another angel and sent
him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to God and told
him yes, the Earth was in decline, 97% was bad and 3% was good.

God said this was not good. So He decided to email the 3% that were good,
and wanted to encourage them, giving them a little something to help them
keep going.

Do you know what that email said?

.

.

.

.

Ah, so you didn’t get one either?

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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Christmas Eve. A burglar broke into the home of a prominent local lawyer. He
took the lawyer’s Christmas gifts from under the tree, leaving the packages
for the wife and children untouched.. As he was leaving the house, he was
apprehended by an alert policeman.

He confessed to what he had done but told the policeman that he can’t be
arrested.
Of course, the policeman asked why, and he responded, “Because the law
states that I’m entitled to the presents of an attorney.”

(Makes sense to me)

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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Here are ten useful phrases for responding to Christmas presents you would
rather not have received:

1. Of all the gifts I’ve ever received . . .
2. My word! What a gift.
3. Wow! This won’t last long at my house.
4. If I hadn’t put on so much weight recently it would have fit perfectly.
5. Goodness, I hope I never lose this. We’re always losing things around
here.
6. It’s great, but I’m worried about the envy it may create.
7. Just my luck to get this when I promised to give all my gifts to charity
this year.
8. Unfortunately, I am about to enter Witness Protection program.
9. Frankly, I don’t deserve this.
10. Really, you shouldn’t have.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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Each December, I vowed to make Christmas a calm and peaceful experience. I
had cut back on nonessential obligations – extensive card writing, endless
baking, decorating, and even overspending. Yet still, I found myself
exhausted, unable to appreciate the precious family moments, and of course,
the true meaning of Christmas.

My son, Nicholas, was in kindergarten that year. It was an exciting season
for a six year old. For weeks, he’d been memorizing songs for his school’s
“Winter Pageant.” I didn’t have the heart to tell him I’d be working the
night of the production. Unwilling to miss his shining moment, I spoke with
his teacher. She assured me there’d be a dress rehearsal the morning of the
presentation. All parents unable to attend that evening were welcome to come
then.

Fortunately, Nicholas seemed happy with the compromise. So, the morning of
the dress rehearsal, I filed in ten minutes early, found a spot on the
cafeteria floor and sat down. Around the room, I saw several other parents
quietly scampering to their seats.

As I waited, the students were led into the room. Each class, accompanied by
their teacher, sat cross-legged on the floor. Then, each group, one by one,
rose to perform their song.

Because the public school system had long stopped referring to the holiday
as “Christmas,” I didn’t expect anything other than fun, commercial
entertainment songs of reindeer, Santa Claus, snowflakes and good cheer. So,
when my son’s class rose to sing, “Christmas Love,” I was slightly taken
aback by its bold title.

Nicholas was aglow, as were all of his classmates, adorned in fuzzy mittens,
red sweaters, and bright snowcaps upon their heads. Those in the front row-
center stage – held up large letters, one by one, to spell out the title of
the song.

As the class would sing “C is for Christmas,” a child would hold up the
letter C. Then, “H is for Happy,” and on and on, until each child holding up
his portion had presented the complete message, “Christmas Love.”

The performance was going smoothly, until suddenly, we noticed her; a small,
quiet, girl in the front row holding the letter “M” upside down – totally
unaware her letter “M” appeared as a “W”.

The audience of 1st through 6th graders snickered at this little one’s
mistake. But she had no idea they were laughing at her, so she stood tall,
proudly holding her “W”. Although many teachers tried to shush the children,
the laughter continued until the last letter was raised, and we all saw it
together.

A hush came over the audience and eyes began to widen. In that instant, we
understood the reason we were there, why we celebrated the holiday in the
first place, why even in the chaos, there was a purpose for our festivities.

For when the last letter was held high, the message read loud and clear:

“C H R I S T W A S L O V E”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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Questions and Answers for every age . . .

What did Adam say on December 24th?
It’s Christmas, Eve.

What is the beautician’s favorite Christmas carol?
“Oh comb all ye faithful”
.
What do you get if Santa comes down the chimney while there’s a fire
blazing?
Crisp Cringle

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic.

Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can ho-ho-ho.

Where do polar bears vote?
The North Poll.

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes.

Did you hear that one of Santa’s reindeer now works for Proctor and Gamble?
Comet cleans sinks.

Which of Santa’s reindeers needs to mind his manners the most?
“Rude”olph

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
Nothing. It was on the house.

Why will you get poor grades after the Christmas holidays?
Because everything is marked down.

And not so funny but true . .

What if it had been three wise Women instead of three wise Men?
They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby,
cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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[Mike forwarded this new Christmas classic carol. And yes, he's Norwegian]

If Jesus had been a Norwegian,
Things would be so different today.
Instead of Matthew, Mark and Luke and John,
We’d have Sven and Lars and Ole.
Walking on the water
Would be no special trick,
‘Cause all over Norway,
The ice is awful thick.

If Jesus was a Norsky,
We’d all eat lutefisk.
We’d have lefse for Communion,
And there’d be no Methodists.
If you wanted to say Amen,
We’re not gonna let ya.
At the end of every prayer we’d shout,
“Ya, sure, you betcha!”

There’d be no December birthday.
You’d be frozen where you lie.
If Jesus was born in Norway,
Christmas would be in July.
Feeding all the multitude
Would be an easy task.
With one big bucket of lutefisk,
“Please no more,” they’d ask.

But Jesus was no Norsky.
It could not be done.
Jews are much more serious.
‘Wegians too much fun.
But the deciding factor
When God searched around,
He scanned all of Norway,
Three wise men were not found.

(Ya, sure, you betcha!)

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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