07/24/10 Weekend Grif.Net – Art Auction

A wealthy man and his son loved to collect rare works of art. They had
everything in their collection, from Picasso to Raphael. They would often
sit together and admire the great works of art.

When the Viet Nam conflict broke out, the son went to war. He was very
courageous and died in battle while rescuing another soldier. The father was
notified and grieved deeply for his only son. A few months later the father
received a package in the mail with a note –

“You do not know me, but I am the soldier for whom your son gave his life.
He saved many lives that day, and he was carrying me to safety when a bullet
struck him in the heart and he died instantly. He often talked about you,
and your love for art. During my recovery in the hospital I thought about
your son and wanted you to have this.”

The father opened the package. It was a portrait of his son, painted by the
young man. He stared in awe at the way the soldier had captured the
personality of his son in the painting. The father was so drawn to the eyes
that his own eyes welled up with tears. He tried to pay that young soldier
for the picture, but was told “Oh, I could never repay what your son did for
me. It’s a gift.”

The father hung the portrait over his mantle. Every time visitors came to
his home he took them to see the portrait of his son before he showed them
any of the other great works he had collected.

Some years later the wealthy man died. There was to be a great auction of
his paintings. Many influential people gathered, excited over seeing the
great paintings and having an opportunity to purchase one for their
collection. On the platform sat the painting of the son. The auctioneer
pounded his gavel.

“We will start the bidding with this picture of the son. Who will bid for
this picture?”

There was silence. Then a voice in the back of the room shouted. “We want to
see the famous paintings. Skip this one.” But the auctioneer persisted.
“Will someone bid for this painting? Who will start the bidding? $100,
$200?” Another voice shouted angrily. “We didn’t come to see this painting.
We came to see the Van Gogh’s, the Rembrandts. Get on with the real bids!”
But still the auctioneer continued. “The son! The son! Who’ll take the son?”

Finally, a voice came from the very back of the room. It was the longtime
gardener of the man and his son. “I’ll give $10 for the painting.”

Being a poor man, it was all he could afford. “We have $10, who will bid
$20?”

“Give it to him for $10. Let’s see the masters.”

“$10 is the bid, won’t someone bid $20?” The crowd was becoming angry. They
didn’t want the picture of the son. They wanted the more worthy investments
for their collections. The auctioneer pounded the gavel. “Going once, twice,
SOLD for $10!”

A man sitting on the second row shouted. “Now let’s get on with the
collection!”

The auctioneer laid down his gavel. “I’m sorry, the auction is over.”

“What about the paintings?”

“I am sorry. When I was called to conduct this auction, I was told of a
secret stipulation in the will. I was not allowed to reveal that stipulation
until this time. Only the painting of the son would be auctioned. Whoever
bought that painting would inherit the entire estate, including the
paintings. The man who took the son gets every thing!”

[God gave His son 2,000 years ago to die on a cruel cross. Much like the
auctioneer, His message today is, "The son, the son, who'll take the son?"
Because, you see, whoever takes the Son gets everything.]

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

07/23/10 Grif.Net – Never too Late

A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her. Time
and again in his 30’s, 40’s and 50’s he had wanted to propose, but couldn’t
bring himself to do it.

Now they were advanced in years, retired and neither of them had ever been
married. Of course, they dated about once a week for more than sixteen
years, but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage
or even engagement.

But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he called her
on the phone:

“June?”
“Yes, this is June.”
“Will you marry me?”
“Of course I will. By the way, who IS this?”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

07/22/10 Grif.Net – Important Thoughts

If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the
aspirin bottle: “Take two aspirin” and “Keep away from children”

“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for
that. It’s called EVERYBODY.”

“My Mom said she learned how to swim when as a teenager her parents took her
out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t
trying to teach you how to swim.”

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills
than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”

“I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said,
‘My oh my, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold
enough. Let’s go west.’”

“If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be
dead.”

“Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.”

“Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have
to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is
the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?”

“Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they
can find Afghanistan.”

“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look
that says, ‘My goodness, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

07/21/10 Grif.Net – Big Pill

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in
pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks
what kinds of knowledge pills are available.

The pharmacist says “Here’s a pill for English literature.” The student
takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English
literature!

“What else do you have?” asks the student.

“Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history,” replies
the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about
those subjects.

Then the student asks, “Do you have a pill for math?”

The pharmacist says “Wait just a moment”, and goes back into the storeroom
and brings back a whopper of a pill over a foot long, and plunks it on the
counter.

“I have to take that huge pill for math?” inquires the student.

The pharmacist replied “Well, we all know math always was a little hard to
swallow.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

07/20/10 Grif.Net – Bumper Stickers from Larry

Driver Carries No Cash:
He’s Married

Take Your Ex Out Tonight
One Bullet Ought to Do It

Wife and Dog Missing
Reward for Dog

4 out of 3 People
Have Trouble with Fractions

I Child-Proofed My House
But the Grandkids Still Get In

Go Green
Recycle Congress

The Shortest Sentence is “I Am”
The Longest Sentence is “I Do”

Can Anyone Give Me Directions
To “Easy Street”?

If Money is the Root of All Evil
Why Do Churches Beg for It?

Guns Don’t Kill
Drivers with Cell-Phones Do

Work Hard. Pay Taxes
Millions of Illegal Aliens Depend on You

Fight Organized Crime in Washington
Elect No Democrats in 2010

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

07/19/10 Grif.Net – What Pets are Thinking

[After watching that imbecile on television who claims to know what common
household pets are thinking, we thought we'd give it a try.]

Dog: “They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl.”

Goldfish: “Just because I have a three-second memory, they don’t think I’ll
mind eating the same fish flakes over and over…………… Oh boy! Fish
flakes!”

Dog: “Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it
is!”

Parrot: “Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me
a cracker? Oh, no!”

Cat: “Why are these people in my house?”

Dog: “The ‘pretending to throw a stick’ game is getting old, but I seem
unable to stop myself from looking for it.”

Bunny: “I wonder if she will notice I pooped in her pillow case?”

Hamster: “Kill me, please. This wheel is boring.”

Dog: “Why is the baby eating my food? ”

Iguana: “Oh great, another day of being in this small little cage with my
food bowl, my water and these annoying wood chips.

Cat: “Oh no, he’s picking me up to do another ‘land on all fours off the
balcony’ test again.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

07/17/10 Weekend Grif.Net -

Michelle Akers (Olympics Gold Medalist and World Cup Champion soccer player)
shares her testimony as the “best women’s soccer player on the planet”. But
life for Michelle doesn’t consist of only victories and honors, she sick
with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and she’s holding on by the very will and
courage that brought her to be the outstanding soccer player that she is.

It all began in 1991, immediately after the first ever Women’s Soccer World
Championship in China. Michelle began to feel tired and lethargic but
thought nothing of it for her travel and career schedule had been extremely
hectic throughout the previous months. She brushed it off as nothing and
went on with her busy schedule of soccer practices, public appearances and
many long plane flights. But as time went by Michelle Akers began to become
more and more worn out than usual. This concerned her and she decided to see
a doctor. As the doctor advised, Michelle rested for about a month and then
returned to her much loved life of soccer.

Two years had passed when Michelle Akers collapsed during a game and
realized that she was sick, not just tired or run down, but really sick.
After various tests consisting of echocardiograms, heart stress tests, blood
tests, and many others, Michelle was finally diagnosed with Mono, then
Chronic EBV, and finally six months later in the spring of 1994, CFIDS.

Michelle now had to accept the fact that this was going to change her life.
She couldn’t just take some pills and return to her normal life, this would
be a battle that she would have to fight for the rest of her life. Many
unwanted changes soon came into play. At her worst, Michelle Akers was
barely able to function or complete day to day activities. It was an extreme
effort to do laundry, prepare a meal, or attempt the exercise bike for a
mere five minutes. Many times, just doing those small chores knocked her out
for days or even weeks.

At her best Michelle could play 15-20 minutes of a 90-minute soccer match,
sometimes even that being too much for her. This was the hardest thing for
Michelle to accept. Before experiencing CFIDS, Michelle Akers soccer
training was more than anyone else on the team, pushing herself to extremes,
and getting away with it. Now Michelle found herself working out less and
lighter than everyone and often not being able to participate in practices.

The symptoms that Michelle Akers faced were overwhelming and sometimes
almost unbearable. They included: migraines, neck pain, night sweats, poor
sleep, weight loss/gain, shortness of breath, and heart palpitations.
Sometimes this would force her to stay in bed for days at a time while she
could be playing in a World Championship, or signing autographs and speaking
to her millions of fans. During these long hours in bed, Michelle often
found herself asking what had happened to that strong, dynamic, tireless
Michelle Akers, and would she ever be seen again?

This is when Michelle realized that she had to make some mental changes as
well as all the physical changes. She began to grow closer to God and
realized that with his help she could get through anything. In her book,
Michelle states “The moment that I just rest, rest in the strength of God’s
perfect grace- is the moment that I overcome. The moment I am whole again.”

The mental changes that she went through were just the thing that Michelle
needed to prepare her for the 1996 Summer Olympics. She performed like the
Michelle that had no fears, the Michelle that outdid everyone, and they won
the gold. But this victory came at great cost for Michelle, each game
drained her to the point of near collapse. The team doctor had Michelle
hooked up to IV’s after every game.

Michelle may not be the soccer player she was before 1991, she may not be
outdoing all her teammates, but Michelle has certainly become a person of
determination and inner-strength that many people have turned to for
inspiration and hope.

Here is how this great female athlete talks to God: “Jesus, you are my Lord
and Savior. I am your child, liberated and depending on your power.
Therefore, Christ, this is YOUR day, to be lived for YOUR glory. Work
through my eyes, my mouth, and through my thoughts and actions to carry out
your victory . . . and Lord, do that all day long. Amen.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

07/16/10 Grif.Net – Error in Liturgy

[Bob J reported this story:]

In our Anglican church, each service begins with a greeting. The officiating
clergyman says, “The Lord be with you.” The congregation used to respond by
saying, “And with thy spirit.”

But, with the modernizing of the liturgy, the minister now says, “The Lord
be with you,” and everyone responds with, “And also with you.”

One Sunday a visiting bishop went to a church where the sound system was
known to be old and unreliable. As he approached the microphone, he tapped
it several times and finally said, “There’s something wrong with this!”

Without hesitation, the whole congregation answered faithfully, “And also
with you.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

07/15/10 Grif.Net – Me and My Boss

When I take a long time…
- I am slow
When my boss takes a long time
- he is thorough

When I don’t do it…
- I am lazy
When my boss doesn’t do it
- he is too busy

When I do something without being told…
- I am over-stepping my boundaries
When my boss does the same thing
- that is initiative

When I take a stand…
- I am stubborn
When my boss does it
- he is being firm

When I overlook a rule of etiquette…
- I am rude
When my boss slips a few rules
- he is being original

When I please my boss…
- I am apple polishing
When my boss pleases his boss
- he is co-operating

When I get ahead…
- I am lucky
When my boss gets ahead
- that’s hard work

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

07/14/10 Grif.Net – Math Excuses

[Top ten excuses for not doing math homework]

I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames.

Today is Isaac Newton’s birthday.

I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook. I couldn’t actually reach
it.

I have the proof, but there isn’t room to write it in this margin.

I was watching the All Star Game and got tied up trying to prove where the
foul lines converged.

I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy.

I locked the paper in my trunk but a four-dimensional dog got in and ate it.

I couldn’t figure out whether i am the square of negative one or i is the
square root of negative one.

I took time out to snack on a doughnut and a cup of coffee. I spent the rest
of the night trying to figure which one to dunk.

I could have sworn I put the homework inside a Klein bottle, but this
morning I couldn’t find it.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

07/13/10 Grif.Net – Warning/Instruction Labels

1. On Sears hairdryer: “Do not use while sleeping.”
Wouldn’t that save time?

2. On a bag of Fritos: “You could be a winner! No purchase necessary!
Details inside.”
So, you just rip the package open, read the details, and then put the
package back on the shelf?

3. On a bar of Dial soap: “Use like regular soap.”
So Dial soap isn’t soap?

4. On Nytol Sleep Aid: “Warning: May cause drowsiness.”
One can only hope

5. On a Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): “Do not turn upside
down.”
Oops! Too late!

6. On packaging for an iron: “Do not iron on body.” So that’s what I’ve been
dong wrong.

7. On Children’s Cough Medicine: “Do not drive a car or operate machinery
after taking this medicine.”
Yes, we could prevent a lot of accidents if we could get those little kids
out from behind the wheel of a car and off those forklifts.
.
8. On a Japanese food processor: “Not to be used for the other use.”
And what IS the “other use”?

9. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: “Instructions: Open packet, eat
nuts.”
Don’t know what I’d do without those instructions.

10. On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid: “Do not use on food.”
So that’s why my pancakes tasted so funny.

Bonus: On a bottle of All laundry detergent: “Remove clothing before
distributing in washing machine.”
I’m curious as to how many people wash their clothes in a washing machine
while still wearing them?

[Thanks to J-M for the laughs]

Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

07/12/10 Grif.Net – Rules in My Kitchen

[My daughter is coming this week. She has a PHOBIA about our pantry,
cupboard, fridge and freezer. She must think we old folks can actually READ
those little expiration date codes on the boxes and cans. Or that we CARE.
Anyway, here are some "rules" to follow for food safety. You're welcome.]

*If you can’t tell the difference between your ice cubes and your ice cream,
it’s time to throw BOTH out.

*Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in
your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the
time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

*When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably
past its prime.

*Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when
it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it
starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled
milk anyway – if you can dig down and still find something non-green, bon
appetite!

*If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block
radius to congregate outside your house, toss the meat.

*Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster.
Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.

*Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be
disposed of… very carefully.

*Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

*Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable “spots”
that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy
looking white or green growth areas are good indications that your bread has
turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. You may wish to discard
it at this time, depending on your interest in pharmaceuticals.

*It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when
it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date, or when it will no
longer fall out of the box by itself.

*Flour is spoiled when it wiggles, or things fly out when you open it.

*Raisins should not usually be harder than your teeth.

*Most spices cannot die, they just fade away. They will be fine on your
shelf, forever. Put them in your will like we did. For your snoopy but
loving son or daughter.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

07/10/10 Weekend Grif.Net – Hammering Away

A friend shared this – While I was sitting in my parked car on the street
one day, a young woman in the car ahead came over and asked me if I had a
hammer she could borrow. When I said no, she got one from the man in the
car in front of her. She then deftly proceeded to smash out the vent pane
on the driver’s side of her car. After returning the hammer, she opened her
door, took out the keys, and waved them at us with a triumphant grin.

As she drove away, the fellow who lent her the hammer came over to me,
spread his hands and said, ‘If only she had told me why she wanted the
hammer, I think I could have helped her. I’m a locksmith.’

We do tend to go through life hammering away at fragile and valuable things
we do not understand and cannot solve, when there is, more often than not,
help available to us for the asking. We break and hurt so much in ourselves
and in others when, if we would but ask, we could resolve the matter far
less painfully. Remember, an old friend of ours over 2000 years ago said:
‘Ask and it shall be given to you!’

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”