07/01/10 Grif.Net – Fish Latin

[We've all heard of Pig Latin from our childhood days. But did you ever
learn "Fish Latin? Well, today you will.]

Caviar Emptor – Beware of the fish.

Carp Diem – Seize the fish.

Veni, Vidi, Fishy – I came, I saw, I fished.

Cod Erat Demonstrandum – Proving the fish.

Squid pro quo – Done a fishy deal.

Tempus Fish-it – Time flies when you’re fishing.

Prima Fishy – First fish.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

Note: A long-time Grif.Net reader said “Remember back when I first joined
Grif.Net? Shortly afterward I asked you to ask your readers for prayer for
my newborn preemie daughter Emily. She was born at 26 weeks along and
weighed in at 2 lbs 4 oz. Her first 2 months of life were in the NICU at
Memorial Hospital in Colorado Springs. Well, she’s a healthy and vibrant 12
years old today, and if you’d see fit to pass along my thanks to your
readers for their prayers, I’d appreciate it!”

06/30/10 Grif.Net – June Wedding One-Liners

[We cannot end June without a little more Wedding humor. And truisms. And
confessions.]

Never marry a man for money. You’ll have to earn every penny

I married MR. RIGHT, I didn’t know his first name was ALWAYS!

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it
because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Losing a husband can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they
try to decide which one.

The wise never marry – and when they marry they become otherwise.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one
thing: either the car is new or the wife.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Did you hear about the wife who shot her husband with a bow and arrow
because she didn’t want to wake the children?

Our marriage was a love match, plain and simple. She was plain and I was
simple!

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

SHAMELESS PLUG ALL THIS WEEK: As most here know, my wife is a naturopathic
doctor. She has found a weight-loss “spray” (couple sprays under the tongue
each morning) that is effective and inexpensive ($16 instead of typical
$99+). “HCG Cord” may be used stand-alone with just routine diet and
extraordinary following the 21-day program. Teresa lost 30 pounds in 30
days; I started a week ago and lost 10 pounds so far.

www.phr.net and click on the Diet icon. 5 pages of free info and ordering
procedures.

06/29/10 Grif.Net – Solution

The experimental salt-water algae farm was having difficulty because of the
depletion of the plants by hundreds of terns. An ornithologist was hired to
solve the problem.

His solution was to grow cannabis sativa plants along the rim of the algae
tanks. The terns would nibble at the cannabis and leave the algae alone.
Cost was the only factor.

He was sent to the Chief Financial Officer to get approval. “Certainly,
spend all that is necessary” he was told “Leave no tern unstoned.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

SHAMELESS PLUG ALL THIS WEEK: As most here know, my wife is a naturopathic
doctor. She has found a weight-loss “spray” (couple sprays under the tongue
each morning) that is effective and inexpensive ($16 instead of typical
$99+). “HCG Cord” may be used stand-alone with just routine diet and
extraordinary following the 21-day program. Teresa lost 30 pounds in 30
days; I started a week ago and lost 10 pounds so far.

www.phr.net and click on the Diet icon. 5 pages of free info and ordering
procedures.

06/28/10 Grif.Net – Cow Q&A

Q: What do you call a cow with 2 legs?
A: Lean Beef

Q: Why did the cow cross the road?
A: It was the chicken’s day off.

Q: A totally black cow was standing in the middle of the road. A man was
cruising around a corner with no headlights on, no dome light, no lights on
at all. He slams on the brakes at just the right time to miss the cow. How
did the guy see the cow?
A: It was daytime.

Q: What type of car does an average cow drive?
A: A MOOdel T or a MOOstang

Q: What kind of car does a rich cow drive?
A: a Cattelac.

Q: What do you call a cow that doesn’t give milk?
A: a Milk Dud

Q: What kind of milk comes from a forgetful cow?
A: Milk of Amnesia

Q: What is a cow’s favorite school subject?
A: COWculus

Q. What does the bull call its special cow?
A. Its significant udder

Q: Where do the cows go on Saturday night?
A: To the MOOvies.

Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground Beef

Q: What type of coffee does a cow that just had a baby drink?
A: De-CALF-enated.

Q: Where do cows go when they get married?
A: On a honeyMOOn

Q: Why do cows wear bells?
A: Because their horns don’t work.

Q: What does a cow ride when his car is broken?
A: a COW-askai MOO-torcycle.

Q: What did they play at the cow’s birthday?
A: MOO-sical chairs.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

SHAMELESS PLUG ALL THIS WEEK: As most here know, my wife is a naturopathic
doctor. She has found a weight-loss “spray” (couple sprays under the tongue
each morning) that is effective and inexpensive ($16 instead of typical
$99+). “HCG Cord” may be used stand-alone with just routine diet and
extraordinary following the 21-day program. Teresa lost 30 pounds in 30
days; I started a week ago and lost 10 pounds so far.

www.phr.net and click on the Diet icon. 5 pages of free info and ordering
procedures.

06/26/10 Weekend Grif.Net – Realize

To realize the value of a sister or brother:
Ask someone who doesn’t have one.

To realize the value of ten years:
Ask a newly divorced couple.

To realize the value of four years:
Ask a graduate.

To realize the value of one year:
Ask a student who has failed a final exam.

To realize the value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.

To realize the value of one month:
Ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby.

To realize the value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize the value of one minute:
Ask a person who has missed a train, bus or plane.

To realize the value of one second:
Ask a person who has survived an accident.

To realize the value of a friend or family member:
Lose one.

(Thanks Cousin Jim for the forward)
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

06/25/10 Grif.Net – Elementary

Sherlock Holmes and his faithful companion Dr. Watson go on a camping trip.
They find a beautiful spot and set up their tent. After a full day of
enjoying nature, they go into their tent and fall asleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes Dr. Watson and says, “Look up at the sky and
tell me what you see.”

Watson is awestruck. After a moment, he says, “I see countless stars.” Mr.
Holmes replies, “What does that tell you?”

Watson considers for a moment and says, “It tells me that the universe is
vast, and it will probably take us several lifetimes to gain even a small
amount of understanding as to how it functions and what our place is in it.”

Mr. Holmes asks “Anything else?”

Mr. Watson thinks for a moment and says, “Based on the position of the
stars, I would say it is approximately two o’clock in the morning.”

Once again, Mr. Holmes asks, “Anything else?”

Desperate now, Watson replies, “Because the sky is so clear, we will
probably have beautiful day tomorrow.”

Once again, Mr. Holmes asks, “Anything else?”

Frustrated, Mr. Watson says, “I can’t think of anything else. What does it
tell you?”

Holmes is silent for a moment and then says, “Elementary, my dear Watson.
Someone has stolen our tent.”

[Thanks to Marcus, one of our church teens]

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

06/24/10 Grif.Net – Sunday School Questions

Answers overheard in Sunday School . . .

Q. Does anyone here know what a bishop does?
A. Moves diagonally.

Q. Why did the Israelis make a golden calf?
A. They didn’t have enough gold to make a cow.

Q. Where do people go who use bad language?
A. To the golf course.

Q. What happened to Joan of Arc?
A. She was burned to a steak.

Q. What did your family give up for Lent?
A. Our New Year’s resolutions.

Q. Does your father have any religion?
A. He goes fishing every Sunday religiously.

Q. Do any of you children think there are animals in heaven?
A. Yes. Mom looked to heaven and said it was raining cats and dogs.

Q. Pray for the pastor. Did you know that it’s not easy to speak in public?
A. He’s not easy to listen to, either.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

06/23/10 Grif.Net – Kid’s Quiz

School’s been out a while and terrible jokes, riddles and groaners are
missing from your kitchen table? NOT ANY MORE!!

Q. If two’s company and three’s a crowd, what is four and five?
A. Nine.

Q. What do you call a hippie’s wife?
A. Mississippi

Q. What do you call someone who carries a dictionary in his jeans?
A. Smarty pants.

Q. What person can jump higher than a house?
A. Anyone. A house can’t jump.

Q. Where does Friday come before Thursday?
A. In the dictionary.

Q. What 8-letter word has only one letter in it?
A. Envelope.

Q. How did the skeleton know it was raining?
A. He could feel it in his bones.

Q. At what time do most people in China go to the dentist?
A. 2:30

Q. How many letters are there in the alphabet?
A. Eleven. T-H-E A-L-P-H-A-B-E-T.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

06/22/10 Grif.Net – No Problem

Marilyn wrote to say, “I don’t want to brag or make anybody jealous, but I’m
just sayin’, after 55 years, I can still fit into the earrings I wore in
high school”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

06/21/10 Grif.Net – Silver Surfers

Bob sent this testimonial. “As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have
trouble with our computers.

I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door
(whose bedroom looks like Mission Control) and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking
away, I called after him, ‘So, what was wrong?

He replied, ‘It was an ID ten T error.’

I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, ‘An, ID ten T
error? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.’

Eric grinned. ‘Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

‘No,’ I replied.

‘Write it down,’ he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it out.’

So I wrote down:

ID10T

I used to like Eric, the little booger.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

06/19/10 Weekend Grif.Net – 40th Anniversary

For two years they knew each other with mutual and growing dislike. He was
the wild youth, pushing the envelope, while she was Miss prim and proper.
Both were gifted, talented, in plays and choirs, but no inclination to think
of one another.

Friday the 13th of September 1968. Propelled together as upper classmen in a
new school, they fought a battle of wits with both well-armed and armored.
Parry and thrust, thrust and parry, and to end the refrain, thrust home. A
growing tension of minds, bodies, souls, blazing from embers into leaping
tongues of fire that could not be quenched.

They both sought parts in the fall play that season and the casting call
required reading a dialog or monolog. Given parts at random, they were
called together to read as Robert Browning and Elizabeth Barrett.

Elizabeth Barrett: What’s another disaster to one who has known little but
disaster all her life? But you’re a fighter. You were born for victory and
triumph. Oh, and if disaster ever came to you through me…
Robert Browning: Yes, a fighter. But I’m sick of fighting alone. I need a
comrade in arms to fight beside me.
Elizabeth Barrett: But not one already wounded in battle.
Robert Browning: Wounded but undaunted, unbeaten, unbroken. What finer
comrade could a man ask for?

Elizabeth Barrett: Robert, have you ever thought that my strength may break
down on the journey?
Robert Browning: It had occurred to me, yes.
Elizabeth Barrett: Supposing I were to die on your hands?
Robert Browning: Are you afraid?
Elizabeth Barrett: Afraid. You should know that I would rather die with you
beside me than live a hundred lives without you. But how would you feel if I
were to die? And what would the world say of you?
Robert Browning: I should be branded as a little better than a murderer.
What I should feel… I leave you to imagine.
Elizabeth Barrett: And yet you ask me to come with you?
Robert Browning: Yes. I am prepared to risk your life, much more my own, to
get you out of that dreadful house and into the sun and to have you for my
wife.
Elizabeth Barrett: You love me like that?
Robert Browning: I love you like that.

Elizabeth Barrett: Papa, please. I’m not a bad girl, I swear I’m not, only I
love him, I love him. He’s a good man, it can’t be wrong to love him. I want
love, I can’t live without love. Oh Papa, remember how you loved Mama and
how she loved you!

Robert Browning: I’m a very modest man.
[pause]
Robert Browning: I am, really.

Friday the 13th of December 1968. He held a ring and held her hand. Having
met more then his match in every phase of life, he was conquered by love.
She answered his request for marriage with Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s
sonnet . . .

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.

I love thee to the level of every day’s
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.

I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old grief’s, and with my childhood’s faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,

Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

June 19, 1970 – 40 years ago today, in a small Baptist church in Wyoming,
two young starry-eyed graduates stepped out to share with each other and all
who had gathered their vows of eternal love to each other.

And so we commit again to Browning’s immortal words:
“Grow old along with me! The best is yet to be, the last of life, for which
the first was made. Our times are in His hand who saith, ‘A whole I planned
- youth shows but half. Trust God: See all, nor be afraid!’”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

06/18/10 Grif.Net – Cowboy Wannabe

More than anything, my old friend JJ wanted to be a cowpoke. Taking pity on
him while he visited me in Wyoming, I took him to a rancher friend of mine
and asked him to show JJ around.

JJ was excited. The old rancher took him to the corral and showed him a
rope, telling him, “This is a lariat. We use it to catch cows.”

“I see,” said JJ, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the lariat.
“And what do you use on the end for bait?”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

06/17/10 Grif.Net – Odd Thoughts

A lot of money in Vegas is tainted – taint yours and taint mine either.

~~
There’s the touching story of the young man who said to his girlfriend, “I
bet you wouldn’t marry me.” The story goes that she not only called his bet
but she raised him five!

~~
Two Wyomingites went to honeymoon in Vegas. The young couple wanted to have
some fun at the slot machines and each agreed that when their $20 allotted
money was gone, they would go to the front of the casino and sit on the
bench to wait for the other.

The fellow quickly lost all of his money and went to sit on the bench. He
waited and waited and waited and waited. After what seemed an eternity, he
saw his new bride coming toward him carrying a huge sack of coins. The groom
jumped up and said “Hey, Honey, it looks like you hit it big.”

“Oh yeah. I found a great machine way back by the cashier’s area and
couldn’t lose! Every time you put a dollar in it, four quarters came out!

~~
Ask me how I found out reading in the Nevada sun by the pool makes you well
red.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”