“It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it
happens.”
~Woody Allen

“Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.”
~George Burns

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I’ll
never know. But then we tried to get his tusks off, which was very
difficult. Of course in Alabama, the Tuscaloosa. But that’s entirely
irrelephant to what I was talking about.
~Groucho Marx

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are
stupider than that.”
~George Carlin

“Parents are not interested in justice — they want quiet!”
~Bill Cosby

“I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering
me up.”
~Rodney Dangerfield

“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people.
What’s the worst thing that could happen?”
~Dennis Miller

“I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.”
~Chris Rock

“Bozo the Clown. Do we really need ‘the Clown’? Are we going to confuse him
with Bozo the Tax Attorney? Bozo the Pope?”
~Jerry Seinfeld

“I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could
drive.” ~Steven Wright

“I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.”
~Henny Youngman

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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A pastor placed his order at the pet store. “I need at least 50 mice, 2,000
ants and as many of those little silverfish you can get.”

The clerk replied, “We can probably do that, but it might take some time.
Mind if I ask why you are placing such an unusual order?”

The pastor responded, “I’ve accepted a call to another church and the church
council here told me to leave the parsonage the way I found it.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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Dr Adrian Rogers, 1931-2005 gave these statements some years back . . .

You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealthy out
of prosperity.

What one person receives without working for, another person must work for
without receiving.

The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not
first take from somebody else.

When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because
the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets
the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get
what they work for, that my dear friend, is the beginning of the end of any
nation.

You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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[The great theologian John Calvin was born July 10, 1509. In his honor we
share some Calvinistic humor]

A man wanted to become a minister, so he went to a theological college to
enroll. But when he arrived, he was met at the gates, and given his degree
without even having to step into the college.

When he asked why, they said that it had been pre-ordained.

~~
Two Calvinists were standing by the side of the road at the foot of a bridge
holding up sign. The sign read, “The End is Near! Turn Around Now Before it
is too Late!”

A car sped past them, the driver yelling out the window, “Leave us alone,
you religious nuts!”

Then there was the sound of screeching tires and groaning brakes followed by
a big splash! One preacher turned to the other and asked, “Do you think the
sign should
simply say, Bridge Out”?

~~
A Presbyterian minister, visiting a town he did not know, stopped a boy in
the street and inquired the way to the church. After carefully writing down
the directions, the
minister says to the lad, “Remember to say your prayers, my boy, and you
will
find the way to heaven.”

The boy replied, “What do you know about the way to heaven if you don’t even
know the way to church?”

~~
How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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A pastor friend forwarded this to me. [Not sure if it happened to him . . .
]

At our church to save money on paper towels, we installed sanitary hot air
hand dryers in the rest rooms. After two weeks, I had them removed.

While they worked fine, I noticed a home-made sign on it that read, “For a
Sample of this week’s sermon, push the button.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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Rachel Zupek, of CareerBuilder.com, compiled these actual responses from job
interviews. Maybe you were nervous, you thought the employer would
appreciate your honesty, or maybe you just have no boundaries. Whatever the
reason, you can be certain that you shouldn’t tell an interviewer that it’s
probably best if they don’t do a background check on you. (And yes, the
hiring manager remembered you said that.)
We asked hiring managers to share the craziest things they’ve heard from
applicants in an interview.

Why did you leave your last job? “I have a problem with authority.”

What are your hobbies and interests? ‘Well, as you can see, I’m a young,
virile man and I’m single — if you ladies know what I’m saying.’ Then he
looked at one of the fair-haired board members and said, ‘I particularly
like blondes.’

Why should we hire you? “I would be a great asset to the events team because
I party all the time.”

Do you have any questions? Here are a bunch –
“Cross dressing isn’t a problem is it?”
“Can we wrap this up fairly quickly? I have someplace I have to go.”
“If I get a job offer, how long do I have before I have to take the drug
test?”
“When you do background checks on candidates, do things like public
drunkenness arrests come up?”

Why are you leaving your current job? “I was fired from my last job because
they were forcing me to attend anger management classes.”

Why are you looking for a job? “Cigarettes and beer are getting more
expensive, so I need another job.”

Why do you want to work for us? “Just for the benefits.”

What are your assets? (as in strengths) “Well, I do own a bike.”

When have you demonstrated leadership skills? “Well my best example would be
in the world of online video gaming. I pretty much run the show; it takes a
lot to do that.”

Use three adjectives to describe yourself. “I hate questions like this.”

Tell of a time you made a mistake and how you dealt with it. “I stole some
equipment from my old job, and I had to pay for its replacement.”

Have you submitted your two weeks’ notice to your current employer? “What is
two weeks’ notice? I’ve never quit a job before, I’ve always been fired.”

Can we help you with anything else? “May I have a cup of coffee? I think I
may still be a little drunk from last night.”

(Remember, today, just after noon, it will be 12:34:56 7.8.9)
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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Tomorrow, at 4:05 am and 6 seconds, it will be officially 04.05.06.07.08.09

Celebrate it.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved
3 year-old grandson. It’s obvious to her that Gramps has his hands full with
the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie
aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda in their respective aisles.

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice,
“Easy, Albert, we won’t be long — Easy, boy.”

Another outburst and she hears Gramps calmly say, “its okay, Albert, just a
couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and
Gramps again in a controlled voice is says, “Albert, Albert, relax buddy,
don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert.”

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries
and the boy into the car.

“You know, sir, it’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I
don’t know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no
matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things
would be okay… Albert is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.”

“Thanks, lady,” said Gramps, “But actually, I’m Albert — my grandson’s name
is Daniel.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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[Would ask your prayers for us. We had a freak storm flood our home and
garage, destroying many valuable possessions, including our freezer and
hundreds of books in my pastoral library. It will take weeks and much
strength (both Teresa and I are limited in that capacity) to get the mud and
debris cleaned up. "Fireworks" came a day early for Casper!]

Ps 33:12 “Blessed is the nation whose God is the LORD”

~~~

4th of July Trivia – Here are the ANSWERS to when these events occurred
(astound your friends and neighbors . . .

JULY 1 HARD GRIF.NET
1. Independence Day became a legal holiday = July 4th, 1941
2. Our present 50-star flag was first flown = July 4th, 1960
3. The words “under God” were added to the Pledge of Allegiance to the Flag
= July 4th, 1954
4. 2nd President of the United States John Adams died = July 4th, 1826
5. Chemist Marie Curie, Nobel Prize winner for discovering radium, died of
leukemia (brought on by her own x-rays) = July 4th, 1934
6. Lewis Carroll first told the story of Alice’s Adventures Underground to
the Liddell sisters = July 4th, 1862
7. Nathaniel Hawthorne, writer of the Scarlet Letter, was born = July 4th,
1804
8. The last time the Liberty Bell was rung = July 4th, 1835
9. Congress revised the resolution of Independence and made it public = July
4th, 1776
10. Massachusetts General Court declared this the first state holiday and
celebration = July 4th, 1781

JULY 2 HARDER GRIF.NET
11. Dear Abby and Ann Landers (twins Esther Pauline and Pauline Ester) were
born = July 4th, 1918
12. The very first Independence Day Party was held in the White House = July
4th, 1801
13. Writer Henry David Thoreau moved to a cabin on the shore of Walden Pond
= July 4th, 1845
14. Vicksburg, the Gibraltar of the South, fell to Union forces = July 4th,
1863
15. Beloved American composer and song writer Stephen Foster was born = July
4th, 1826
16. 30th President of the United States, Calvin Coolidge, was born = July
4th, 1872
17. Colorado enters the Union as the Centennial State = July 4th, 1876
18. Bristol, Rhode Island, is home to the oldest continuous Independence Day
celebration, held annually since = July 4th, 1785
19. This day was first called “Independence Day” on = July 4th, 1791
20. 3rd President of the United States Thomas Jefferson died = July 4th,
1826

JULY 3 HARDEST GRIF.NET
21. Republic of Hawaii formed = July 4th, 1894
22. At the Battle of the Horns of Hattin, Saladin defeated the Crusader army
and wrested control of the Holy Land = July 4th, 1187
23. 5th President of the United States, James Monroe, died = July 4th, 1831
24. Lou Gehrig, stricken with ALS, made his farewell speech in Yankee
Stadium = July 4th, 1939
25. The Statue of Liberty was presented in Paris as a gift from France to
the US = July 4th, 1884
26. US probe “Pathfinder” lands on Mars = July 4th, 1997
27. “America the Beautiful” was published by Katharine Lee Bates = July 4th,
1895
28. First direct keyboard data entry in a computer was performed at MIT =
July 4th, 1954
29. The greatest city-wide fire in the US (Portland, ME) only later eclipsed
in Chicago and San Francisco = July 4th, 1866
30. The Philippines were granted their independence = July 4th, 1946

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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Part of the correct answer to EVERY question is the 4th of July. What is
missing, however, is the YEAR. Bet you can’t get even ONE correct.

HARDEST
21. Republic of Hawaii formed = July 4th, ____

22. At the Battle of the Horns of Hattin, Saladin defeated the Crusader army
and wrested control of the Holy Land = July 4th, ____

23. 5th President of the United States, James Monroe, died = July 4th, ____

24. Lou Gehrig, stricken with ALS, made his farewell speech in Yankee
Stadium = July 4th, ____

25. The Statue of Liberty was presented in Paris as a gift from France to
the US = July 4th, ____

26. US probe “Pathfinder” lands on Mars = July 4th, ____

27. “America the Beautiful” was published by Katharine Lee Bates = July 4th,
____

28. First direct keyboard data entry in a computer was performed at MIT =
July 4th, ____

29. The greatest city-wide fire in the US (Portland, ME) only later eclipsed
in Chicago and San Francisco = July 4th, ____

30. The Philippines were granted their independence = July 4th, ____

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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Part of the correct answer to EVERY question is the 4th of July. What is
missing, however, is the YEAR. Of course, THAT is the hard part!!

HARDER
11. Dear Abby and Ann Landers (twins Esther Pauline and Pauline Esther) were
born = July 4th, ____

12. The very first National Independence Day Party was held in the White
House = July 4th, ____

13. Writer Henry David Thoreau moved to a cabin on the shore of Walden Pond
= July 4th, ____

14. Vicksburg, the Gibraltar of the South, fell to Union forces = July 4th,
____

15. Beloved American composer and song writer Stephen Foster was born = July
4th, ____

16. 30th President of the United States, Calvin Coolidge, was born = July
4th, ____

17. Colorado enters the Union as the Centennial State = July 4th, ____

18. Bristol, Rhode Island, is home to the oldest continuous Independence Day
celebration, held annually since = July 4th, ____

19. This day was first called “Independence Day” on = July 4th, ____

20. 3rd President of the United States Thomas Jefferson died = July 4th,
____

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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Part of the correct answer to EVERY question is the 4th of July. What is
missing, however, is the YEAR. Of course, THAT is the hard part!! And YOUR
task . . .

HARD
1. Independence Day became a legal holiday = July 4th, ____
2. Our present 50-star flag was first flown = July 4th, ____
3. The words “under God” were added to the Pledge of Allegiance to the Flag
= July 4th, ____
4. 2nd President of the United States John Adams died = July 4th, ____
5. Chemist Marie Curie, Nobel Prize winner for discovering radium, died of
leukemia (brought on by her own x-rays) = July 4th, ____
6. Lewis Carroll first told the story of ‘Alice’s Adventures Underground’ to
the Liddell sisters = July 4th, ____
7. Nathaniel Hawthorne, writer of the Scarlet Letter, was born = July 4th,
____
8. The last time the Liberty Bell was rung = July 4th, ____
9. Congress revised the resolution of Independence and made it public = July
4th, ____
10. Massachusetts General Court declared this the first state holiday and
celebration = July 4th, ____

(just wait – July 2nd and 3rd will have even HARDER 4th of July trivia.
Answers on July 4th, of course)

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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Linda wrote and said, “Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag
of Purina dog chow for my loyal Lab, Cocoa, and was in the checkout line
when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I’m retired and have little
to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting
the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up
in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in
an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs
in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it
works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that
practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified,
she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff at an Irish Setter and a car
hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.

Costco won’t let me shop there anymore.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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