I have to admit I enjoy CSI. Very interesting and informative. And then they added CSI Miami and CSI New York. Great shows.
A friend from Little Rock asked if I thought a more rural CSI Ozarks might be a good setting for the next spin off. Sadly I had to tell him “No”.
First of all, every DNA test would be a match. And then think how little help dental records would be.
Now I’m looking for a new friend.
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”
A friend was recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appeared and asked him how he was feeling. “I’m O.K. but I didn’t like my doctor using four-letter words during surgery,” he answered.
“Oh, my, what did he say?” asked the nurse.
“Oops!”
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”
[David McClure teaches science and coaches at Faubion Middle School in
McKinney]
$5.37 – That’s what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bueno said to me. I
dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Emo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, “It’s OK. I’ll just give you the senior citizen discount.”
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change
hitting the counter in front of me. “Only $4.68″ he said cheerfully. I stood there stupefied. I am 48, not even 50 yet – a mere child! Senior citizen?
I took my burrito and soda and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Emo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me? I’ll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed
back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of
me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler? “Dude! Can’t get too far without your car keys, eh?”
I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind.
“Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!”
I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition,
but it wouldn’t turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another.
Still nothing. That’s when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear
view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.
Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be
leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in
the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.
I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the
restaurant one final time. There Emo stood, draped in youth and black nail
polish. All I could think was, “What is the world coming to?” All I could
say was, “Did I leave my food and drink in here?” At this point I was ready
to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits. Emo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, “I think you left this in my truck by mistake.” I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized. She offered these kind words: “It’s OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time.”
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was
racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I’m not
too old to be driving this fast.
As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I
handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanky.
The good news was I had successfully found my way home.
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”
Afraid, of What?
[Third and final batch of Grandkids are heading to Wyoming this weekend so
Grandpa is trying to "get in shape" with kid-style jokes. Lame kid-style
jokes, for sure, but I'm trying]
A cowboy rides into Casper, Wyoming, wearing a paper hat, paper pants, and
paper boots, and he’s immediately arrested. Why?
Rustling
~~
Doctor, woof, you’ve got to help me, woof woof. I think I’m a dog!”
“How long has this been going on?”
“Ever since I was a little puppy”
~~
If George Washington were alive today, what would he be most famous for?
His age
~~
What’s green, slimy and hangs from trees?
Giraffe snot. (Actually had a 7-year old tell me that one at church)
~~
A duck walked into a pharmacy and says, “Gimme some of that Chapstick.”
The owner asked, “Well I would, but how are you going to pay for it? Cash or
charge?
The duck said, “Neither, just put it on my bill!”
~~
What is black, has wings and is covered with feathers and flies?
A dead crow.
~~
“Doctor… Woof… I still think I’m a dog!”
“Probably all in your head, with no basis in physical reality, but until
we’re sure… Off the couch!”
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”
Rose sent this story about Morris and his wife Esther who went to the
Montana State Fair every year, and every year Morris would say, ‘Esther, I’d
like to ride in that helicopter.’
Esther always replied, ‘I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty
dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars’.
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, ‘Esther, I’m
85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another
chance.’
To this, Esther replied, ‘Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and
fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’
The pilot overheard the couple and said, ‘Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll
take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride
and don’t say a word I won’t charge you a penny! But if you say one word
it’s fifty dollars.’
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy
maneuvers but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, ‘By golly, I did
everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!’
Morris replied, ‘Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when
Esther fell out, But you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!’
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG’S DIARY, August 5th
8:00 am – Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am – A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm – Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm – Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm – Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm – Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm – Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm – Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT’S DIARY, August 5th
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They
dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or
some sort of dry nugget.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless
must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to
disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I
had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending
comments about what a ‘good little hunter’ I am.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed
in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear
the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to
the power of ‘allergies.’ I must learn what this means and how to use it to
my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this
again tomorrow – but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The
dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released – and seems to be
more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”
BJ wrote, My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their
passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.
I noticed their Disney password was “MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto,” and asked why
it was so long.
“Because,” my son explained, “they say it has to have at least four
characters.”
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school
for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is
watching.” Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the
table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples!”
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”
[Cousin Janet forwarded this thought-provoking story going around the 'net]
What would you do? You make the choice. Don’t look for a punch line, there
isn’t one.. Read it anyway. My question is: Would you have made the same
choice? Listen to this father’s story:
“My son Shay is mentally and physically disabled but his life gives an
opportunity to show how true human nature presents itself. Shay and I had
walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay
asked, ‘Do you think they’ll let me play?’
I knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team,
but as a father I also understood that if my son were allowed to play, it
would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be
accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.
I approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if
Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, ‘We’re losing
by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our
team and we’ll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning.’
Shay struggled over to the team’s bench and, with a broad smile, put on a
team shirt. I watched with a small tear in my eye and warmth in my heart.
The boys saw my joy at my son being accepted.
In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay’s team scored a few runs but was
still behind by three. In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove
and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was
obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from
ear to ear as I waved to him from the stands.
In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay’s team scored again. Now, with two
outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay
was scheduled to be next at bat. At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and
give away their chance to
win the game?
Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but
impossible because Shay didn’t even know how to hold the bat properly, much
less connect with the ball. However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the
pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this
moment in Shay’s life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so
Shay could at least make contact.
What doctors say, and what they’re really thinking:
“This should be taken care of right away.”
I’d planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable
that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
“Welllllll, what have we here…?”
He has no idea and is hoping you’ll give him a clue.
“Let me check your medical history.”
I want to see if you’ve paid your last bill before spending any more time
with you.
“Why don’t we make another appointment later in the week?”
I’m playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
–or–
I need the bucks, so I’m charging you for another office visit.
“We have some good news and some bad news.”
The good news is, I’m going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you’re
going to pay for it.
“Let me schedule you for some tests.”
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
“I’d like to have my associate look at you.”
He’s going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
“I’d like to prescribe a new drug.”
I’m writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
“If it doesn’t clear up in a week, give me a call.”
I don’t know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
“That’s quite a nasty looking wound.”
I think I’m going to throw up.
“This may smart a little.”
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
“Well, we’re not feeling so well today, are we…?”
I’m stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
“This should fix you up.”
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
“Everything seems to be normal.”
Rats! I guess I can’t buy that new beach condo after all.
“I’d like to run some more tests.”
I can’t figure out what’s wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this
one.
“There is a lot of that going around.”
My goodness, that’s the third one this week. I’d better learn something
about this.
“If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment.”
I’ve never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I’m off next week.
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”
Forwarded by a regular here; originally from an orthopedic surgeon.
See if you can outsmart your foot, but trust me, you can’t. It is
pre-programmed in your brain.
1. While sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right
foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number ’6′ in the air with your right
hand.
Your foot will change direction!!
I told you so! And there’s nothing you can do about it! You and I both know
how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again,
if you’ve not already done so.
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”
Over dinner, five surgeons were discussing who makes the best patients on
the operating table.
The first surgeon said, “I like to see accountants on my operating table,
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”
The second responded, “Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is color coded.”
The third surgeon added, “No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”
“You know,” the fourth surgeon chimed in, “I like construction workers.
Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end,
and when the job takes longer than you said it would.”
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: “You’re all wrong.
Politicians are the easiest to operate on. Most have no guts, no hearts, and
no spines, and their heads and backsides are interchangeable.”
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”
