Two boys were walking home from church after hearing a strong preaching on
the devil. One said to the other, “What do you think about all this Satan
stuff?”
The other boy replied, “Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It’s
probably just your dad”
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
NYC School System has banned the word “BIRTHDAY” from classroom use (since
it might be offensive to Jehovah’s Witnesses who don’t celebrate such). Got
me thinking about how various Belief Systems would wish a “HAPPY BIRTHDAY”.
IDEALISM: Happy Birthday.
CAPITALISM: I shopped all day for your birthday.
COMMUNISM: We only celebrate Lenin’s birthday.
CORPORATE AMERICA: Happy birthday. You’re fired.
AGNOSTICISM: Are you sure it’s your birthday?.
ATHEISM: I can’t believe it’s your birthday.
NEW AGE: Ever get that feeling you’ve been born before?
TAOISM: It’s everybody’s birthday.
BUDDHISM: If your birthday party was held in the forest and nobody came…
would it make a sound?
CATHOLICISM: Sorry, we need candles for votive purposes.
EPISCOPALIANISM: Tasteful birthday to you!
LUTHERANISM: I take it on faith it’s your birthday. So I don’t need to send
cards and gifts, right?
EXISTENTIALISM: Your birthday means nothing to me.
FUNDAMENTALISM: But more importantly, when is your ‘spiritual’ birthday?
SARCASM: You don’t look half bad for someone twice your age.
QUAKERS: I am moved to wish you a peaceful birthday.
UNITARIAN-UNIVERSALISTS: Have any kind of birthday you want.
HINDUISM: Holy Cow! Is it your birthday?
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
Over the past 10 years, I’ve read with interest stories of folks who were
delayed or late and because of that “missed” the tragic Twin Tower collapses
of 9/11.
A CEO was late because his son started kindergarten.
Another fellow was alive because it was his turn to bring donuts.
One woman was late because her alarm clock didn’t go off in time.
One was late because of being stuck on the NJ Turnpike because of an auto
accident.
One of them missed his bus.
One spilled food on her clothes and had to take time to change.
One’s car wouldn’t start.
One went back to answer the telephone.
One had a child that dawdled and didn’t get ready as soon as he should have.
One couldn’t get a taxi.
One man put on a new pair of shoes that morning, took the various means to
get to work but before he got there, he developed a blister on his foot. He
stopped at a drugstore to buy a Band-Aid. That is why he is alive today.
So . . when I am stuck behind a slow driver.
– miss an elevator.
– turn back to answer a ringing telephone.
– all the little things that annoy me.
– I think to myself.
this is exactly where God wants me to be at this very moment.
The next time your morning seems to be going wrong,
– the children are slow getting dressed,
– you can’t seem to find the car keys,
– you hit every traffic light.
– don’t get mad or frustrated;
God is at work watching over you.
May God continue to bless you with all those annoying little things – and
may you remember and appreciate their possible purpose.
Now, has anyone seen my keys?
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
It was Palm Sunday but because of a sore throat, 5-year-old Johnny stayed
home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were
carrying several palm fronds. Johnny asked them what they were for.
“They are very special. People held them over Jesus’ head as He walked by,”
his father told him.
“Wouldn’t you know it,” Johnny fumed, “the one Sunday I don’t go and He
shows up.”
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
[My list last week of ANNOYING WORDS/PHRASES brought 25+ email suggestions
of annoying terms or phrases that really light your fire, flick your Bic, or
raise the hackles on your necks. Here are YOUR additions. No names, fearing
that Big Brother is watching.]
Duh
It’s all good
If I’m elected
Think outside of the box
Not for nothing
LOL (when actually laughing)
Totally!
Seriously?
Dude
It’s a train wreck
My bad
Build it and they will come
No worries
Each and every
Have a nice day
I don’t think so
Take a hike
Know what I mean?
I want to make sure we’re on the same page
Guess what?
And there you have it
Just saying
The thing of it is
Quite frankly
Isn’t this what you asked for?
Why didn’t you tell me?
There’s good news and bad news
All that and a bag of chips
I mean
I was gonna say
Obama (used to be Bush for the other side)
My bad
I can understand and appreciate what you’re saying but
Let me make a long story short
Blah Blah Blah
Hey! No problemo.
Al suggested folks make a bingo card with 25 pop words/phrases and at
meetings, class lectures, church, listen for them and mark them off (please
note: yelling “BINGO” during a sermon may not be appropriate)
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
A flea and a fly in a flue,
Were imprisoned; now what could they do?
Said the fly, “Let us flee.”
“Let us fly,” said the flea,
And they flew through a flaw in the flue.
There once was a lady from Ryde
Who ate some green apples and died.
The apples fermented
Inside the lamented
And made cider inside her insides.
A tutor who tooted a flute,
Tried to tutor two tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
“Is it harder to toot, or
To tutor two tooters to toot?”
There once was a man from Peru
Whose limericks stopped at line two.
[nobody claimed they were good enough to repeat]
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
The auctioneer was a student of the Old Testament. So when farm pasture
acreage came up for sale, he waved his hand enthusiastically, pointed toward
the rich expanse, and shouted: “Now, then, how much am I offered for this
field? Just look at that grass, gentlemen. Rich. Green. Thick. Nutritious.”
Then, running out of adjectives to entice bidders, he added, “That’s exactly
the sort of grass Nebuchadnezzar would have given two hundred dollars an
acre to dine on.”
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
A dear church-going woman was deeply shocked when her new neighbor came over
one Sunday morning and asked to borrow her lawn-mower.
“The very idea,” she exclaimed to her friend later, “of cutting grass on
Sunday! What would Jesus think? Shameful! Unchristian! Certainly, they
couldn’t have it.”
Her friend leaned closely and asked how she handled the request.
“Well, it was easy. I simply told those heathens I didn’t have any
lawn-mower.”
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
The food stamp program (US Department of Agriculture) is pleased to be
distributing the greatest amount of food stamps in history.
Meanwhile, the National Park Service (US Department of Interior) has signs
all over Yellowstone Park asking us “Please do not feed the animals” because
the animals may grow dependent and not learn to take care of themselves.
Hmmm.
[Reminds me of sage advice from Benjamin Franklin - "I am for doing good to
the poor, but I think the best way of doing good to the poor is not making
them easy in poverty, but leading or driving them out of it. I observed that
the more public provisions were made for the poor, the less they provided
for themselves, and of course became poorer. And, on the contrary, the less
was done for them, the more they did for themselves, and became richer."]
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
In 2009-10 various groups tried (for unknown reasons) to find the MOST
ANNOYING things people say. Here are some of the usual suspects.
Whatever
Hello?
Yada yada yada
You know
It is what it is
Anyway
At the end of the day
Fairly unique
I personally
At this moment in time
With all due respect
Absolutely
It’s a nightmare
Let’s do lunch
24/7
It’s not rocket science
Umm
Fine
Like
So on and so forth
Honestly
Uh huh (slang for yes)
Ut uh (slang for no)
et cetera, et cetera
Do YOU have a particular word/phrase that really chaps your hide? You may
not be alone. We will “add” to the list in weeks to come if you send me
your choice.
And if anyone puts “grif.net” or any derivation thereof on the list,
judgment will be swift and sure. Hello? You know? Anyway, it’s not rocket
science.
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
Top 10 excerpts from various employee evaluation forms:
10. This person is not really so much of a has-been, but more definitely a
won’t-be.
9. A clock watcher who’s in a different time zone than the rest of the
office.
8. He’s so dense, light bends around him.
7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them.
6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
5. If his IQ were any lower, we’d be watering him twice a week.
4. It’s hard to believe he beat out a million other sperm.
3. I wouldn’t allow this employee to breed.
2. Has a room temperature IQ.
1. Works well, when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap.
Bonus: Since my last evaluation, this employee has reached rock bottom and
has started to dig.
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
[Lots of humor out there between the President and the Candidates. Jokes are
often interchangeable so borrow one and use it for/against your choices!!]
The President was heckled by someone in the UCLA crowd who said, ‘Don’t
forget about legalizing marijuana.’
The Secret Service has narrowed the suspects down to everyone in L.A.
Fidel Castro declared that a robot would do a better job as president than
Barack Obama.
After hearing this, Mitt Romney thanked Castro for his endorsement.
What’s Obama’s new slogan for the 2012 campaign in these tough times?
‘Spare Change You Can Believe In’
Rick Santorum’s overall approval rating is 38%. Sadly, his sweater vest
comes in at only 17%.
Newt Gingrich is so pro-marriage, he can’t stop doing it.
Was the President correct when he compared himself to Gandhi?
It is true. He’s created a lot of jobs in India.
After 3 years of Obama, most Americans woke up and realized that 15 years
ago we had entrepreneurs like Steve Jobs, entertainers like Johnny Cash and
comedians like Bob Hope. Today we have no Jobs, no Cash and no Hope.
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
Planning to visit grandkids in a few weeks, so gotta “up” my jokes for them.
Well, try to do better . . .
Q. What do you call a cow without legs?
A. Ground beef.
Q. Why does a seagull fly over the sea?
A. Because if it flew over the bay it would be called a bagel.
Q. How did my grandson act just like George Washington?
A. Both went down in history.
Q. Why do we dress newborn baby girls in pink and baby boys in blue?
A. Because they can’t dress themselves.
Q. Why didn’t the skeleton need a telephone?
A. He had no body to talk with.
Q: What is the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish?
A: You can tune a guitar but you can’t tuna fish.
Q. What do you call a thief who fell and broke his leg in wet cement?
A. A hardened criminal.
Q. What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
A. One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the
pause.
Q. What kind of street do ghosts want to live on?
A. A dead end.
.
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
