04/21/12 Weekend Grif.Net – Jesus Loves Me

Jesus loves me, this I know,
Though my hair is white as snow.
Though my sight is growing dim,
Still He bids me trust in Him.
(CHORUS)

Though my steps are oh, so slow,
With my hand in His I’ll go
On through life, let come what may,
He’ll be there to lead the way.
(CHORUS)

Though I am no longer young,
I have much which He’s begun.
Let me serve Christ with a smile,
Go with others the extra mile.
(CHORUS)

When the nights are dark and long,
In my heart He puts a song.
Telling me in words so clear,
“Have no fear, for I am near.”
(CHORUS)

When my work on earth is done,
And life’s victories have been won.
He will take me home above,
Then I’ll understand His love
(CHORUS)

I love Jesus, does He know?
Have I ever told Him so?
Jesus loves to hear me say,
That I love Him every day.

(CHORUS)
YES, JESUS LOVES ME… YES, JESUS LOVES ME…
YES, JESUS LOVES ME FOR THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

04/20/12 Grif.Net – Hymns for Speeders

[Errata - "Concord Hymn" was written by Emerson, not Longfellow. Glad that
yesterday's grif.net was a blessing to those who, like me, are sticklers for
detail and pointed out in many emails from those who saw the glitch. Happy
to provide fodder.]

For those who push speed limits, here are some hymns you can sing as you
drive:

55 mph – Pass Me Not
65 mph – God Will Take Care of You
75 mph – Nearer My God To Thee
85 mph – This World Is Not My Home
95 mph – Lord, I’m Coming Home
and
105 mph – Precious Memories

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

04/19/2012 Grif.Net – Tribute to 1775

By the rude bridge that arched the =
flood,

Their flag to April’s breeze =
unfurled,

Here once the embattled farmers =
stood,

And fired the shot heard round the =
world.

 

The foe long since in silence =
slept;

Alike the conqueror silent =
sleeps;

And Time the ruined bridge has =
swept

Down the dark stream which seaward =
creeps.

 

On this green bank, by this soft =
stream,

We set to-day a votive =
stone;

That memory may their deed =
redeem,

When, like our sires, our sons are =
gone.

 

Spirit, that made those heroes =
dare

To die, and leave their children =
free,

Bid Time and Nature gently =
spare

The shaft we raise to them and =
thee.

 

~HW Longfellow, 1835 dedication of Concord =
Memorial

 

~~

Dr Bob Griffin

bob@grif.net www.grif.net =

"Jesus Knows Me, This I =
Love!"

 

04/18/12 Grif.Net – Revolutionary Questions

[Helping students see history on this important April =
day]

 

Teacher: What happened as a result of the Stamp Act? =

Student: The Americans licked the British!

 

Teacher: Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell? =

Student: Yeah, it cracked me up!

 

Teacher: What was General Washington’s favorite tree? =

Student: The infantry!

 

Teacher: "Why did Washington chop down the cherry =
tree with
his hatchet?"
Student: "Because his mom wouldn’t let him play with the chain =
saw!"

 

Teacher: "The Declaration of Independence was =
written
in Philadelphia.
True or false?"
Student: "False! It was written in =
ink!"

 

Teacher: What did George Washington say to his army =
at Valley Forge?
Student: "Sorry, men. The flights to Florida are all booked up and =
we’re
on stand-by!"

 

~~

Dr Bob Griffin

bob@grif.net www.grif.net =

"Jesus Knows Me, This I =
Love!"

04/17/12 Grif.Net – Tax Season

Heard it was “Tax Season”, so assumed I can hunt any IRS agent I see.
Anyone know it there is a limit on ‘em?

Two things you need to know about taxes. They’ve extended the deadline to
April 17, and when you write your check, just make it out to China.

Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington,
D.C., and the Obama cabinet sends its money to the Cayman Islands.

April 14 is national ‘Pecan Day’ to recognize nuts
April 15 (this year, 17) = Time to pay our taxes to support them.

When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that
get it done early, also known as psychopaths, and then the rest of us.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

04/16/12 Grif.Net – Auto-Reply Choices for my E-mail

1 – I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to
get the position.

2 – I’m not really out of the office. I’m just ignoring you.

3 – You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the
office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

4 – Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed
so that I may be promoted to management

5 – I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me
until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will
be deleted in the order it was received.

6 -Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the
first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

7 – The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is
unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending
again.

8 – Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in
approximately 19 weeks.

9 – Hi. I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC
for my response.

10 – Hi! I’m busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don’t bother to
leave me any messages.

Bonus – No longer here. I’ve run away to join a different circus.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

04/14/12 Weekend Grif.Net – The Week AFTER Easter

I was asked, “How should one celebrate the days after Easter?”

So I looked it up on beliefnet and found a great suggestion. Celebrate
“with a good laugh, of course. Better yet, with a party, a really fun
party.” Far from being a strange, new idea, this is actually a long-standing
tradition rooted in good Christian theology.

It began hundreds of years ago. A monk, whose name has been lost in history,
was pondering the meaning of the events of holy week, with its solemn
observances of Maundy Thursday, Good Friday, and the astonishing,
earth-shaking events of Easter. “What a surprise ending,” he thought. Then
suddenly, like a bolt of lightning, he had a new insight. His hearty laugh
startled his fellow monks, breaking the silence of their contemplation.

“Don’t you see,” he cried, “It was a joke! A great joke! The best joke in
all history! On Good Friday, when Jesus was crucified, the devil thought he
had won. But God had the last laugh on Easter when he raised Jesus from the
dead.”

The monks called it “the Easter laugh.” The idea spread rapidly, and the day
after Easter became known as a “Day of Joy and Laughter” in Orthodox,
Catholic, and Protestant countries. In homes and churches, it became common
to celebrate God’s great joke on the devil with joke-telling sessions.

So, why not have a “Week-After-Easter Party”? Revive this very old custom
and hold Easter Monday parties or to have Holy Humor Sunday the week
following Easter. Joy, joy, joy!

In this spirit, here are ideas you could use for your Week-After-Easter
party. (Since this is a fun event, don’t take the party food too seriously.
Instead, serve left-over Easter eggs, marshmallow chicks, jellybeans, and
other Easter candies. If you wait until after Easter, you can find these at
half price, and have fun talking about the bargains you found. If you think
your reputation as a host or hostess will suffer too much without more
legitimate party food, you can also add a decorated cake in the shape of an
egg or with other decorations.

*Begin by reading or telling the origin of the Easter laugh and the Day of
Joy and Laughter you’ve just learned.

*You might ask, “Do you think Jesus laughed?” That will get a conversation
going!

*Ask the group to share their favorite jokes. Encourage hearty laughter. Be
sure to have one or two you can tell to prime the pump.

*Ask, “Can you remember anything funny that happened in your church? In
Bible class? At church camp? At your wedding?”

*Print out some favorite grif.net humor and pass them around the table.

God is still at work the week after Easter. God works in situations that
seem utterly hopeless and bleak before he brings surprise endings and has
the ‘last laugh’. So, this week-after-Easter, don’t mope around wishing you
had more bunny ears to bite or peeps to behead, but go out with joy this
weekend. And may the joy of the Lord be your strength.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

04/13/12 Grif.Net – MORE Office Truisms

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot
today.

A thing not worth doing isn’t worth doing well.

BTW, if a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go
flying by.

Do not put statements in the negative form.

43% of all statistics are worthless.

A Committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but as a
group decide that nothing can be done.

It’s lonely at the top but you eat better.

Meetings: A practical alternative to work.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

04/12/12 Grif.Net – Office Truisms

When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

No one gets sick on Wednesdays.

The longer the title, the less important the job.

Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman
arrives.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good,
you will get out of it.

If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.

A pat on the back is only a few inches higher than a kick in the pants.

Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking
about themselves.

To err is human; to forgive is not company policy.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

04/11/12 Grif.Net – Help Wanted

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window
saying: “HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and
must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”

A short time afterwards, a Border Collie trotted up to the window, saw the
sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail,
then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the
receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog
and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so
he led him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The
manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.”

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a
perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and
gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but
then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.”

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to
demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample
spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the
manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, “I realize
that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities.
However, I still can’t give you the job.”

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the
part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, “Yes, but
the sign also says that you have to be bilingual.” The dog looked at him
straight in the face and said, “Meow.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

04/10/12 Grif.Net – At Our Church . . .

At our church we welcome all denominations (but we prefer tens and twenties)

At our church ‘life after death for sinners’ has always been a hot topic

At our church donating items to sit on is called chairity.

At our church if you aren’t decently dressed, “No shoes, no shirt, no
service”

At our church everyone is very amen-able to the preaching

At our church we teach abstinence, but it leaves a lot to be desired

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

04/09/12 Grif.Net – April Puns

The church janitor was also the organist, so he had to watch his keys and
pews.

Don’t swear at your hairpiece or you will have the devil toupee.

I once considered becoming a monk when I was young but I was cloisterphobic.

It is probable that the hawk that landed on our church roof was a bird of
pray.

My evangelistic preaching’s effectiveness is now measured in billigrams.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

04/07/12 Weekend Grif.Net – Do You Believe in Easter?

Edith Burns was a wonderful Christian who lived in San Antonio Texas. She
was the patient of a doctor by the name of Will Phillips. Dr. Phillips was
a gentle doctor and his favorite patient was Edith Burns.

One morning he went to his office with a heavy heart; it was because of
Edith Burns. When he walked into that waiting room, there sat Edith with her
big black Bible in her lap earnestly talking to a young mother sitting
beside her.

Edith had a habit of introducing herself in this way: “Hello, my name is
Edith Burns. Do you believe in Easter?” Then she would explain the meaning
of Easter, and many times people would be saved.

Dr. Phillips walked into the office and there he saw the head nurse,
Beverly. Beverly had first met Edith when she was taking her blood pressure.
Edith began by saying,
“Hello, My name is Edith Burns. Do you believe in Easter?”

Beverly said, “Why yes I do.” Edith said, “Well, what do you believe about
Easter?”

Beverly said, “Well, it’s all about egg hunts, going to church, and
dressing up.”

Edith kept pressing her about the real meaning of Easter, and finally led
her to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ.

Dr. Phillips said, “Beverly, don’t call Edith into the office quite yet. I
believe there is another delivery taking place in the waiting room.

Well after being called back into the doctor’s office, Edith sat down and
when she took a look at the doctor she said, “Dr. Will, why are you so sad?
Are you reading your Bible? Are you praying?”

Dr. Phillips said gently, “Edith, I’m the doctor and you’re the patient.”
With a heavy heart he said, “Your lab report came back and it says you have
cancer, and Edith, it’s terminal and you’re not going to live much longer.”

Edith said, “Why Will Phillips, shame on you. Why are you so sad? Do you
think God makes mistakes? You have just told me I’m going to see my
precious Lord Jesus, my husband, and my friends. You have just told me that
I am going to celebrate Easter Forever, and here you are having difficulty
giving me my ticket!”

Dr. Phillips thought to himself, “What a magnificent woman this Edith Burns
is!” Edith continued coming to see Dr Phillips. Christmas came and the
office was closed. On the day the office opened, Edith did not show up.
Later that afternoon, Edith called Dr. Phillips and said she would have to
be moving to the hospital and said, “Will, I’m very near home, so would you
make sure that they put women in my room who need to know about Easter.”

Well, they did just that, and women began to come in and share that room
with Edith. Many came to be saved in that room. Everybody on that floor from
staff to patients were so excited about Edith, that they started calling her
Edith Easter; that is everyone except Phyllis Cross, the head nurse.

Phyllis made it plain that she wanted nothing to do with Edith because she
was a “religious nut”. She had been a nurse in an army hospital. Had seen it
all and heard it all. She was the original G.I. Jane. She had been married
three times, and was hard, cold, and did everything by the book.

One morning the two nurses who were to attend to Edith were sick. Edith had
the flu and Phyllis Cross had to go in and give her a shot. When she walked
in, Edith had a big smile on her face and said, “Phyllis, God loves you and
I love you, and I have been praying for you.”

Phyllis Cross said, “Well, you can quit praying for me, it won’t work I’m
not interested” Edith said, “Well, I will pray and I have asked God not to
let me go home until you come into the family.”

Phyllis said, “Then you will never die because that will never happen,” and
promptly walked out of the room.

Every day Phyllis Cross would walk into the room and Edith would say, “God
loves you Phyllis and I love you, and I’m praying for you.”

One day Phyllis said she was literally drawn to Edith’s room like a magnet
would draw iron. She sat down on the bed and Edith said, “I’m so glad you
have come, because God told me that today is your special day.”

Phyllis said, “Edith, you have asked everybody here the question, ‘Do you
believe in Easter?’ but you have never asked me.”

Edith said, “Phyllis, I wanted to many times, but God told me to wait until
you asked, and now that you have asked.”Edith took her Bible and shared with
Phyllis the Easter Story of the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus
Christ.

Edith said, “Phyllis, do you believe in Easter? Do you believe that Jesus
Christ is alive and that He wants to live in your heart?”

Phyllis said, “Oh I want to believe that with all of my heart, and I do want
Jesus in my life.” Right there, Phyllis prayed and invited Jesus Christ into
her heart. For the first time Phyllis did not just walk out of that hospital
room, she was carried out on the wings of angels.

Two days later, Phyllis came in and Edith said, “Do you know what day it
is?” Phyllis said, “Why Edith, it’s Good Friday.”

Edith said, “Oh, no, for you every day is Easter. Happy Easter, Phyllis!”

Two days later, on Easter Sunday, Phyllis came into work, did some of her
duties and then went down to the flower shop to get some Easter lilies. She
wanted to see Edith and give her the Easter lilies and wish her a Happy
Easter.

When she walked into Edith’s room, Edith was in bed. That big black Bible
was on her lap. Her hands were on the Bible. There was a sweet smile on her
face. When Phyllis went to pick up Edith’s hand, she realized Edith was
gone. She had gone home to be with Jesus her Lord and Savior.

Her left hand was on John 14:2-3 “In my Father’s house are many mansions:
if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.
And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you
unto Myself, that where I am, there you may be also.”

Her right hand was on Revelation 21:4, “And God shall wipe away all tears
from their eyes, and there shall be no more death neither sorrow, nor
crying; neither shall there be any more pain, for the former things have
passed away.”

Phyllis took one look at Edith, and then lifted her face toward heaven, and
with tears streaming down here cheeks, said,

“Happy Easter, Edith – Happy Easter!”

Phyllis walked out of the room, and over to a table where two student
nurses were sitting. She said, “Hello, My name is Phyllis Cross. Do you
believe in Easter?”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”