07/22/14 Grif.Net – Animal Jokes: Horses

[According to a Gallop Poll I should try to halter these animal jokes and
word plays.]

Q. What do you call a horse that lives next door?
A. A neigh-bor.

Q. What type of horses only go out after dark?
A. Nightmares.

Q. What did the colt say when it had a sore throat?
A. I’m a little hoarse!

Q. Why did the farmer ride his horse to town?
A. It was too heavy to carry.

Q. Why do horses hate Spring the most?
A. They suffer from hay fever.

Q. When does a horse talk?
A. Whinny wants to.

Q. Speaking of that, what is more amazing than Mr Ed, the talking horse?
A. A spelling bee.

Q. What do two horses do if they fall in love on the internet?
A. They e-lope away.

Q. What sort of horse was Black Beauty?
A. A dark horse.

Q. Why did the Prophet Jeremiah name his horse “Ismee”?
A. So he could go around town saying “Whoa, Ismee”.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

07/21/14 Grif.Net – Animals Jokes: Cats

[Another animal with LOTS of really lame laughs and giggles. Here are some
floating on the 'net that should have long-ago sunk to the bottom. Maybe
they have.]

Q. What happened to the cat who swallowed the ball of wool she played with?
A. She had mittens.

Q. Why don’t cats play poker in the jungle?
A. Too many cheetahs.

Q. What do you call the cat that was caught by the police?
A. The purrpatrator.

Q. What do cats like to eat for breakfast?
A. Mice Krispies.

Q. Why did the cat run from the tree?
A. Because it was afraid of the bark.

Q. Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
A. He set a new lap record.

Q. What is a cat’s favorite song?
A. Three Blind Mice.

Q. Why did the cat claw a big “M” on the refrigerator?
A. It turned “ice” into “mice”.

Q. Who made Cinderella’s cat get to the ball?
A. Its furry godmother.

Q. What is a cat’s favorite dessert?
A. Chocolate mouse

Q. What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
A. One has the paws before the claws, the other has the clause before the
pause.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

07/19/14 Weekend Grif.Net – Astute

A college student was in a philosophy class which had a discussion about
God’s existence. The professor presented the following logic:

“Has anyone in this class heard God?” Nobody spoke.
“Has anyone in this class touched God?” Again, nobody said a word.
“Has anyone in this class seen God?” For a third time, no answer.

So the professor smugly stated, “Then we can conclude there is no God.”

One student thought a moment, and then asked for permission to reply.
Curious to hear this bold student’s response, the professor granted it, and
the student stood up and asked the following questions of her classmates:

“Has anyone in this class heard our professor’s brain?” Silence.
“Has anyone in this class touched our professor’s brain?” Absolute silence.
“Has anyone in this class seen our professor’s brain?” No one dared to speak

So the student concluded, “Then, according to our professor’s own rule of
logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!”

No report was given of the grade the student received for that class. But
she’d get an “A” in my book.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

07/18/14 Grif.Net – Cattle Call

[I've always wanted to make a Grif.Net full of one-liners about cows but
I've been afraid I'd butcher it.]

Cows only make noise when they’re in the mood.

I was told that a cow with short legs gives dragon milk.

Calves take well to bottle feeding since one nipple is as good as an udder.

Maybe I shouldn’t focus on cow jokes. It’s better to be seen and not herd.

To err is human, to moo bovine.

Is it true that Alaskan cows give cold cream?

Milking a cow is easy. Almost any jerk can do it.

Is a field of happy cows called “laughing stock”?

My new motto? Seize every opportunity for a cow joke and milk it for all its
worth.

But don’t forget to cow-nt your blessings today!

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

07/17/14 Grif.Net – You Can’t Take It with You

A stingy old miser was seriously ill and determined to prove wrong the old
saying, “You can’t take it with you.” He told his wife to go down to the
bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. His plan was to
secretly stash the bags directly over his bed in the attic, and when he died
grab them on his way up to heaven.

One day the old fellow died. A few months after the funeral, his wife was up
cleaning in the attic, and stumbled across the hidden pillowcases. She
figured out his failed plan and muttered to herself, “That old fool. It
might have worked if he had put them in the basement!”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

07/16/14 Grif.Net – Descriptions of Life

[Found these descriptions of life from friends and acquaintances posting on
the internet]

I used a chemistry pun on the Grif.Net once, but got no reaction.

I have a dentist who simply loves working on my teeth. He may be abscessive
compulsive.

I used to do balance and rotations at an auto shop, but felt like I was just
spinning my wheels, so I decided to retire.

My wife has a new Latin motto: “VENI, VEDI, VISA”. I came, I saw, I shopped.

I tripped on a pumpkin and fell into the woodpile. They call it a black eye
but there’s a lot of yellow and purple too. My friends say they’re enjoying
my fall colors.

I think exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

My wife found a new lip balm that makes her lose weight. It’s called Super
Glue.

I’m taking a foreign language class this fall. It’s called “Math”.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road
worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

07/15/14 Grif.Net – Diagnosis

[Another old-but-good rerun - it is summer and hot and I just flew back in
at midnight from the Left coast]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office for his checkup.
Afterward the doctor took the wife aside and said, “Unless you do the
following things, your husband will surely die.”

The doctor went on to say, “Here’s what you need to do. Every morning make
sure you serve him a good healthy breakfast. Meet him at home every day and
serve him a well-balanced lunch. Also, feed him a good hot meal each
evening. Don’t overburden him with stressful conversation, nor ask him to
perform any household chores. Also, keep the house spotless and clean so he
doesn’t get exposed to any threatening germs. As a wife, be available to
meet his every physical desire as well.”

On the way home the husband asked the wife, “What did the doctor say?” She
replied, “He said you’re going to die.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

07/14/14 Grif.Net – Not a Good Start

[This is an old story with lots of variation, but still brought a smile]

Ted and Marsha had some previous up’s and down’s in their marriages when
they were younger, but now at retirement age they were sure they’d found the
right one. The bride-to-be was obviously stressed out, and the sensitive
future groom offered to help her with some of the arrangements.

Marsha suggested that Ted handle the ordering of the wedding cake. There
was a Scripture verse that was special to Marsha and she told Ted that she
would very much like for it to be written on their wedding cake.

The verse Marsha wanted was 1 John 4:18, “There is no fear in love, for
perfect love drives out fear.” Wow.

Ted agreed that it was indeed the perfect verse for their cake and set off
for Wal-Mart. Ted did a fine job at the bakery department, informing them of
all the details of this magnificent wedding cake, including the Scripture
verse. But age was not kind to Ted’s memory, and he left out a vital piece
of information for the baker; instead of FIRST John 4:18 (the Apostle’s
letter in the New Testament), he told the baker simply John 4:18 (John’s
Gospel account).

A few days before the wedding, the baker contacted Ted to confirm the
Scripture wanted on the cake. Ted assured her that the verse he’d said was
exactly what his future wife wanted. Somewhat apprehensive, the baker hung
up the phone and proceeded to decorate the couple’s wedding cake.

The big day had arrived. The ceremony went off extremely well. Marsha had
never looked more beautiful and Ted looked very handsome in his tuxedo.

The two proceeded to the reception and over to the wedding cake to begin the
picture-taking session. It was at this moment that Ted realized his tragic
mistake with the verse.

Marsha read, with horror, the verse on their wedding cake. For John 4:18
says: “The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is
not your husband.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

07/12/14 Weekend Grif.Net – Charlie Schulz Philosophy

[Barnabas forwarded this and it is marvelous! Scroll down slowly and read
carefully to receive and enjoy full effect]

The following is the philosophy of Charles Schulz, the creator of the
‘Peanuts’ comic strip. You don’t have to actually answer the questions. Just
ponder on them. Just read the e-mail straight through and you’ll get the
point.

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America pageant.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and
actress.
6. Name the last decade’s worth of World Series winners.

How did you do?
The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday.
These are no second-rate achievers.
They are the best in their fields.
But the applause dies.
Awards tarnish.
Achievements are forgotten.
Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

*******~*******

Here’s another quiz. See how you do on this one:
1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.

Easier?
The lesson:
The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most
credentials, the most money or the most awards.
They simply are the ones who care the most!

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

07/11/14 Grif.Net – Wrong Computer?

At the clinic our “front” computer (with mailing lists, pricing points,
correspondence – really not the important computers the doctors use) simply
quit. Kaput. Nothing. So looking to get an inexpensive replacement desk top
unit, and copy the old hard drive.

Our biggest fear, of course, is blowing $$$ on a clunker that’s not even fit
for a boat anchor. So I’m thinking these might be clear “caveats” when
choosing the right machine on my list:

10. The monitor is certified for low emissions by Jiffy Lube.

9. The logo on your receipt: International House of Lame Computers.

8. The infrared cordless keyboard has only 15 keys, and one of them is
marked Fast Forward.

7. You see the salesman you bought it from hawking genuine Rolexes on street
corners.

6. The sound board and speakers are a separate unit, and they receive only
AM.

5. Their ad campaign: PC? Apple? iPad? Laptop? Tablet? Those are so last
year. Try our nostalgic trip down memory lane with an 8088, 8-bit external
bus, 256 Hz 20 meg hard drive and amber screen!

4. It has only two expansion slots, and they just popped up a couple pieces
of toast.

3. It’s labeled “energy saving” only because there’s no power supply.

2. It looks just like one you got with your Happy Meal.

1. The sticker reads “Certified NVI” and fine print says “nothing of value
inside.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

07/10/14 Grif.Net – Better to Keep Your Mouth Shut

Here are some things you should learn NOT to say to a Police Officer that
pulls you over for speeding next time . .

~ Hey, you must’ve been doin’ at least 125mph to keep up with me!

~ Sorry, officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.

~ I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a
police officer.

~ Excuse me, is “stick up” hyphenated?

~ Ya know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school
instead.

~ Bad cop! No donut!

~ I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car
around; that’s how far I am behind the other cars.

~ You’re NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?

~ Didn’t I see you get your backside kicked on “COPS” last week on TV?

~ I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket

~ So, uh, you on the take, or what?

~ Gee, officer! That’s terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me
a warning too!

~ Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.

~ So, are you still crabby because your momma didn’t let you play with a
gun when you were little?

~ Hey is that a 9 mm? That’s nothing compared to the .44 magnum under my
seat.

~ When you smack me around, make sure you smile pretty for the camcorder.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

07/09/14 Grif.Net – Ways To Make Soccer More Exciting To Americans

[Found this in 1998 file (not a joke) so obviously horrific boredom with
soccer even four "world cup's" ago. Yeah some of these show their age and
others show why, in earlier days of the Grif.Net, we had too high of
standards of humor to stoop this low.]

Ties decided by which team’s hooligans vomit the furthest when kneed in the
stomach.

Oh, I don’t know, maybe using a little something called hands!

Foot-long cleats

Every so often, the final score could maybe be different from the starting
score.

Country A beats Country B — Country A owns Country B.

Change name to “Deathball 2000″

In front of each goal — a shark-filled moat.

Get Leonardo DiCaprio to declare that soccer is, like, way awesome.

Allow the use of hands, if they’re the hands you cut off an opposing player.

Tangled in the goal nets: Several angry, ravenous pit bulls.

Slowly driving around the field: O.J. in the white Bronco.

Use an oblong brown ball, change the rules, and call it “football.”

Bury a few land mines in the playing field, then sit back and watch the fun!

It doesn’t matter who wins or loses, because there’s a giant asteroid headed
straight for Earth on Y2K.

Start referring to Pele as “the inventor of the Slurpee.”

Whenever a goal is scored, Larry King has to get divorced and remarried.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

07/08/14 Grif.Net – Military Control

MILITARY ACRONYM LESSON: DEFINITIONS OF “FORMS OF CONTROL”

Some common ones everyone knows . . .
OPCON – Operational control of forces. Can be delegated to subordinates.
TACON – Tactical control. Limited to specific time and place.
ADCON – Administrative control. UCMJ authority and the like.

Less familiar . . .
NIKON – Exercising control of expensive Japanese camera equipment.
DEFCON – Exercising control over those with a severe loss of hearing.
EXCON – Exercising control of former prison inmates.
ICON – Self-control.
YUKON – Deferring control to someone else (see ICON).
MILCON – That control exercised over more than 999,999 individuals.
DECON – Exercising control over insects/pests through use of chemicals.
RECON – Exercising control again.
ECON – Control exercised by individuals over their financial resources.
JAMES CAAN – That control exercised by the Screen Actors Guild.
BEACON – Exercising control through the use of flashing lights.
SILICON – Exercising control of mirthful, inane shenanigans.
PROCON – That control exercised by non-amateurs.
FALCON – Exercising control of an F-16 aircraft.
BACON – Exercising control over production/distribution of pork products.
GARCON – Exercising control of snobbish French waiters.
MACON – Exercising control through the use of Southern sheriffs.
HELICON – That control exercised over rotary wing aircraft.
TELECON – Exercising control of forces thru hand-held communication devices.
LEXICON – Exercising control of expensive Japanese luxury cars.
DEACON – That control exercised by the Drug Enforcement Agency.
RAPCON – Control of so-called musical style exercised by teenagers.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”