07/29/14 Grif.Net – Master Liszt

[More terrible music puns gleaned from writing of high school band and
orchestra teachers]

I like how you conduct your business but I think I’ve found a snare in your
plan. We have to work in concert with other professionals.

~~
I don’t mean to harp on you about it. Just pitch the idea to me tomorrow. On
a high note, however, I encourage us all to guitar act together.

~~
Are you calling me a lyre? I got caught tambourine with the security
settings. Everything built up with a crescendo until the system went mute.

~~
Don’t use that tone with me; that’s not really my forte. I didn’t mean to
de-bass your comment.

~~
Well that was off-key, and I wouldn’t repeat it if I were you. I know you
didn’t mean to harmony one, but if you’re going to accompany the first
violin you have to meter half way.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

07/28/14 Grif.Net – Notes from a Music Teacher

[Thought we'd end the month on a high note of low humor from the band room
in the high school]

A parent didn’t want her kids joining school band or orchestra and risk
being exposed to so much sax and violins. She thought it could only lead to
treble.

~~
I’ve had to scale back because we just don’t have the staff for sending all
these notes. And many of our volunteers just don’t measure up.

~~
Almost ready for the concert in another minuet or two. The only major
development are the expected minor setbacks.

~~
Hey – give it a rest, ritard. Can’t you reed? You’re not really in tune
with what’s going on, are you? This was just a prelude to a repeat offense.

~~
Now, I’ve been told I’m pretty sharp and clef-er, but those sort of music
jokes always fall flat.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

07/26/14 Weekend Grif.Net – Storms Come

[After a week of silly jokes, I need to settle down my mind to the realities
of life. Storms come. Winds of adversity blow. Wash your mind out with some
of these pithy truths. I did.]

“When you are going through difficult times and wonder where God is,
remember that the teacher is always quiet during a test.”

~~
“To have God in our life doesn’t mean sailing in a boat with no storms. It
means having a boat that no storm can sink.”

~~
“I am thankful for all those who said NO. Because of them I did it myself.”
(Albert Einstein)

~~
“If one does not know to which port one is sailing, no wind is favorable.”
(Lucius Seneca)

~~
“A bend in the road is not the end of the road … unless you fail to make
the turn.”

~~
“I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders.”
(Jewish Proverb)

~~
“A ship is safe in harbor, but that’s not what ships are for.”
(William G.T. Shedd)

~~
“Speak little. Hold to your own nature. A strong wind does not blow all
morning, a cloudburst does not last all day. The wind and rain are from
Heaven and earth and even these do not last long; how much less so the
efforts of man?”
(Lao Tzu, Tao-Te King)

~~
“Only when it is dark enough can you can see the stars.”
[Ralph Waldo Emerson]

~~
“Sometimes when you think the storm is coming to rain on your parade, it’s
actually there to water your garden.”
(Rob Hill)

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

07/25/14 Grif.Net – Animal Jokes: General

[Okay, last offering of animal humor for the week. Jokes on other subjects
would be irrelephant anyway.]

Q. What do you call a pig doing karate?
A. A pork chop.

Q. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A. A fsh.

Q. Why do they ban elephants from the city swimming pool?
A. They can’t seem to keep their trunks up.

Q. What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A. A gummy bear.

Q. What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
A. Hailing taxis.

Q. What do you call a camel with no humps?
A. Humphrey.

Q. Why didn’t the teddy bear eat his lunch?
A. Because he was stuffed.

Q. Why are frogs so happy?
A. Because they eat what bugs them.

Q. What animal is out of bounds?
A. A tired kangaroo.

Q. Why do dragons sleep during the day?
A. So they can fight knights.

Q. What did one frog say to the other?
A. Time’s fun when you’re having flies.

Q. What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?
A. Finding half a worm in your apple.

and one truly good pun . .
Q. What do you call a crying camel?
A. A humpback wail.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

07/24/14 Grif.Net – Animal Jokes: Mixed Breeds

[No cease fire in sight, Mr Kerry. They keep lobbing in one bad joke after
another. Incoming!]

Q. Why are elephants wrinkled?
A. Have you ever tried to iron one?

Q. What do you call bears with no ears?
A. B.

Q. Where do rich squirrels live?
A. In the Nutcracker Suite.

Q. What do you call an animal with just a nose but not a body?
A. Nobody knows.

Q. What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards?
A. A receding hare line.

Q. Did you hear about the elephant with diarrhea?
A. It’s all over town.

Q. Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
A. Because if they flew over the bay they would be called bagels.

Q. Why does a flamingo stand on one leg?
A. Because if he lifted that leg off the ground he would fall down.

Q. What do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark?
A. A bird that talks your ear off

Q. What’s the best way to catch a unique rabbit?
A. Unique up on it.

Q. How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A. Tame way, unique up on it.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

07/23/14 Grif.Net – Animal Jokes: Dogs

Q. Why did the police give a ticket to the dog for giving birth to puppies
in the park?
A. She was fined for littering.

Q. What do they call a mustard-colored dog?
A. A Gulden Retriever.

Q. What did the hot dog ask the bun?
A. Are you pure bred?

Q. In the winter my dog wears his coat. What does he wear in the summer?
A. He wears his coat and pants.

Q. Why don’t dogs make good dancers?
A. Because they have two left feet.

Q. Why did a dog say “meow”?
A. It was learning a foreign language.

Q. What do you call a dog with no legs?
A. It doesn’t matter what you call him, he still won’t come.

Q. What do you get when you cross a Rottweiler and Lassie?
A. A dog who bites you, and then goes for help.

Q. What type of stores do dogs avoid?
A. Flea markets.

Q. Why do you need a license for a dog and not for a cat?
A. Cats can’t drive.

Q. What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
A. You might step in a poodle.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

07/22/14 Grif.Net – Animal Jokes: Horses

[According to a Gallop Poll I should try to halter these animal jokes and
word plays.]

Q. What do you call a horse that lives next door?
A. A neigh-bor.

Q. What type of horses only go out after dark?
A. Nightmares.

Q. What did the colt say when it had a sore throat?
A. I’m a little hoarse!

Q. Why did the farmer ride his horse to town?
A. It was too heavy to carry.

Q. Why do horses hate Spring the most?
A. They suffer from hay fever.

Q. When does a horse talk?
A. Whinny wants to.

Q. Speaking of that, what is more amazing than Mr Ed, the talking horse?
A. A spelling bee.

Q. What do two horses do if they fall in love on the internet?
A. They e-lope away.

Q. What sort of horse was Black Beauty?
A. A dark horse.

Q. Why did the Prophet Jeremiah name his horse “Ismee”?
A. So he could go around town saying “Whoa, Ismee”.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

07/21/14 Grif.Net – Animals Jokes: Cats

[Another animal with LOTS of really lame laughs and giggles. Here are some
floating on the 'net that should have long-ago sunk to the bottom. Maybe
they have.]

Q. What happened to the cat who swallowed the ball of wool she played with?
A. She had mittens.

Q. Why don’t cats play poker in the jungle?
A. Too many cheetahs.

Q. What do you call the cat that was caught by the police?
A. The purrpatrator.

Q. What do cats like to eat for breakfast?
A. Mice Krispies.

Q. Why did the cat run from the tree?
A. Because it was afraid of the bark.

Q. Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
A. He set a new lap record.

Q. What is a cat’s favorite song?
A. Three Blind Mice.

Q. Why did the cat claw a big “M” on the refrigerator?
A. It turned “ice” into “mice”.

Q. Who made Cinderella’s cat get to the ball?
A. Its furry godmother.

Q. What is a cat’s favorite dessert?
A. Chocolate mouse

Q. What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
A. One has the paws before the claws, the other has the clause before the
pause.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

07/19/14 Weekend Grif.Net – Astute

A college student was in a philosophy class which had a discussion about
God’s existence. The professor presented the following logic:

“Has anyone in this class heard God?” Nobody spoke.
“Has anyone in this class touched God?” Again, nobody said a word.
“Has anyone in this class seen God?” For a third time, no answer.

So the professor smugly stated, “Then we can conclude there is no God.”

One student thought a moment, and then asked for permission to reply.
Curious to hear this bold student’s response, the professor granted it, and
the student stood up and asked the following questions of her classmates:

“Has anyone in this class heard our professor’s brain?” Silence.
“Has anyone in this class touched our professor’s brain?” Absolute silence.
“Has anyone in this class seen our professor’s brain?” No one dared to speak

So the student concluded, “Then, according to our professor’s own rule of
logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!”

No report was given of the grade the student received for that class. But
she’d get an “A” in my book.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

07/18/14 Grif.Net – Cattle Call

[I've always wanted to make a Grif.Net full of one-liners about cows but
I've been afraid I'd butcher it.]

Cows only make noise when they’re in the mood.

I was told that a cow with short legs gives dragon milk.

Calves take well to bottle feeding since one nipple is as good as an udder.

Maybe I shouldn’t focus on cow jokes. It’s better to be seen and not herd.

To err is human, to moo bovine.

Is it true that Alaskan cows give cold cream?

Milking a cow is easy. Almost any jerk can do it.

Is a field of happy cows called “laughing stock”?

My new motto? Seize every opportunity for a cow joke and milk it for all its
worth.

But don’t forget to cow-nt your blessings today!

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

07/17/14 Grif.Net – You Can’t Take It with You

A stingy old miser was seriously ill and determined to prove wrong the old
saying, “You can’t take it with you.” He told his wife to go down to the
bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. His plan was to
secretly stash the bags directly over his bed in the attic, and when he died
grab them on his way up to heaven.

One day the old fellow died. A few months after the funeral, his wife was up
cleaning in the attic, and stumbled across the hidden pillowcases. She
figured out his failed plan and muttered to herself, “That old fool. It
might have worked if he had put them in the basement!”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

07/16/14 Grif.Net – Descriptions of Life

[Found these descriptions of life from friends and acquaintances posting on
the internet]

I used a chemistry pun on the Grif.Net once, but got no reaction.

I have a dentist who simply loves working on my teeth. He may be abscessive
compulsive.

I used to do balance and rotations at an auto shop, but felt like I was just
spinning my wheels, so I decided to retire.

My wife has a new Latin motto: “VENI, VEDI, VISA”. I came, I saw, I shopped.

I tripped on a pumpkin and fell into the woodpile. They call it a black eye
but there’s a lot of yellow and purple too. My friends say they’re enjoying
my fall colors.

I think exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

My wife found a new lip balm that makes her lose weight. It’s called Super
Glue.

I’m taking a foreign language class this fall. It’s called “Math”.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road
worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

07/15/14 Grif.Net – Diagnosis

[Another old-but-good rerun - it is summer and hot and I just flew back in
at midnight from the Left coast]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office for his checkup.
Afterward the doctor took the wife aside and said, “Unless you do the
following things, your husband will surely die.”

The doctor went on to say, “Here’s what you need to do. Every morning make
sure you serve him a good healthy breakfast. Meet him at home every day and
serve him a well-balanced lunch. Also, feed him a good hot meal each
evening. Don’t overburden him with stressful conversation, nor ask him to
perform any household chores. Also, keep the house spotless and clean so he
doesn’t get exposed to any threatening germs. As a wife, be available to
meet his every physical desire as well.”

On the way home the husband asked the wife, “What did the doctor say?” She
replied, “He said you’re going to die.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”