[Bob J reported this story:]
In our Anglican church, each service begins with a greeting. The officiating
clergyman says, “The Lord be with you.” The congregation used to respond by
saying, “And with thy spirit.”
But, with the modernizing of the liturgy, the minister now says, “The Lord
be with you,” and everyone responds with, “And also with you.”
One Sunday [...]
When I take a long time…
- I am slow
When my boss takes a long time
- he is thorough
When I don’t do it…
- I am lazy
When my boss doesn’t do it
- he is too busy
When I do something without being told…
- I am over-stepping my boundaries
When my boss does the same thing
- that is initiative
When I [...]
[Top ten excuses for not doing math homework]
I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames.
Today is Isaac Newton’s birthday.
I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook. I couldn’t actually reach
it.
I have the proof, but there isn’t room to write it in this margin.
I was watching the [...]
1. On Sears hairdryer: “Do not use while sleeping.”
Wouldn’t that save time?
2. On a bag of Fritos: “You could be a winner! No purchase necessary!
Details inside.”
So, you just rip the package open, read the details, and then put the
package back on the shelf?
3. On a bar of Dial soap: “Use like regular soap.”
So Dial soap [...]
[My daughter is coming this week. She has a PHOBIA about our pantry,
cupboard, fridge and freezer. She must think we old folks can actually READ
those little expiration date codes on the boxes and cans. Or that we CARE.
Anyway, here are some "rules" to follow for food safety. You're welcome.]
*If you can’t tell the [...]
A friend shared this – While I was sitting in my parked car on the street
one day, a young woman in the car ahead came over and asked me if I had a
hammer she could borrow. When I said no, she got one from the man in the
car in front of her. She [...]
[When I get the message "Your computer has performed an illegal operation",
I get frustrated. How much better to see it in Haiku? Here are some of the
best.]
The Web site you seek cannot be located, but countless more exist.
Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.
Program aborting: Close all that you have [...]
A fellow walked in to a nice Mexican restaurant. At the table they brought
him a beverage, some chips and salsa to nibble on as he looked over the
menu.
“Nice shirt”, a voice came from nearby. He looked around, but didn’t see
anyone who might have said it.
Continuing to check the menu he heard “Good looking haircut”. [...]
The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in
full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly
and was telling the men how to given the necessary assurance to their
partners at each stage of the pregnancy.
“Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially
beneficial [...]
[A loyal grif.net subscriber in Cody sent me this story.]
Three friends decided to go hunting together. One was a lawyer, one a
doctor, and the other a preacher. As they were walking, along came a big
buck. The three of them shot at the same time and the buck dropped
immediately. The hunting party rushed to see how [...]
[Many have today off to celebrate the 4th of July. Let's remember this sage
advice from thousands of years ago.]
“The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt
should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and
controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest
Rome become bankrupt. People must [...]
RAGGED OLD FLAG
I walked through a county courthouse square,
On a park bench an old man was sitting there.
I said, “Your old courthouse is kinda run down.”
He said, “Naw, it’ll do for our little town.”
I said, “Your flagpole has leaned a little bit,
And that’s a Ragged Old Flag you got hanging on it.
He said, “Have a [...]
[Getting ready for grandkids to come soon with 'corny joke time'. Some of
these are truly pathetic. The jokes, not the grandkids . . . ]
Q. How is a healthy person like the United States?
A. They both have good constitutions!
Q. What’s big, cracked, and carries your luggage?
A. The Liberty Bellhop!
Q. Did you hear about the [...]
