Grif.Net

12/15/15 Grif.Net – Wife is Worried about Santa

12/15/15 Grif.Net – Wife is Worried about Santa

Dear =
Santa,

 

We’re worried about you. =
From your rosy red cheeks to your legendary girth to your all-night =
sleigh ride around the world, you may be at risk for diseases, maladies, =
mishaps and lawsuits that send chills through our Santa-loving hearts. A =
careful examination of what we know about you and your lifestyle raises =
a host of other trouble signs . .

 

ROSACEA: The latest =
warning comes from the National Rosacea Society, you may have "a =
clear-cut case of rosacea," a skin condition that also affects =
millions of Americans, particularly at middle age. Unable to examine you =
personally, the good doctor based his finding on a well-circulated =
report that your "cheeks were like roses, (your) nose like a =
cherry." Sadly, many observers conclude that red-skin condition =
comes from hitting the Christmas-punch bowl a little too hard. Sadder =
still, rosacea can be aggravated by holiday stress, hot chocolate and =
overexertion, all things you may encounter this time of =
year.

 

OBESITY: Frankly, Santa, =
this may be your biggest area of concern. Studies show overweight men =
have more than double the normal risk of heart attacks and increased =
chances of many other diseases. We’ve seen the pictures; we’ve noticed =
you in the malls. And we’ve heard that your tummy shakes "like a =
bowlful of jelly" when you chuckle. On this, we’ll take part of the =
blame. All these years, we’ve set out milk and cookies on Christmas Eve. =
With 102 million homes in the U.S. alone, even if 1 in 100 homes put out =
two cookies and a cup of milk, that would make an overnight snack of =
2,000,000 cookies and 63,750 gallons of milk. Maybe it’s time for Mrs. =
Claus to get you a NordicTrack or a Thighmaster. But be sure to consult =
a physician before beginning any exercise =
regimen.

 

PIPE SMOKING: You’ve been =
pictured with a pipe, and even though an apologist in The New York Times =
once claimed it’s only a prop, a witness who encountered you in his home =
said "the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath." =
According to the Cancer Research Center, pipe and cigar smokers have =
twice a non-smoker’s risk for lung cancer, four times the risk for =
larynx cancer and two to three times the risk for cancers of the mouth =
and esophagus. Even if the pipe’s just a prop, it might be a good idea =
to lose it. Remember, you’re not just a saint, you’re a role =
model.

 

STRESS: Dealing with =
Christmas wishes from millions of kiddies could certainly put one on the =
emotional hot seat. And anxiety can surpass even smoking as a risk for =
certain heart problems. On this point, though, we have some good news =
– Reader’s Digest says laughter–as evidenced by your =
trademark "Ho, ho, ho"–is one of the best stress-busters =
going.

 

SOOT: We admire your =
ability to slip up and down the average chimney, an opening about 12 =
inches by 16 inches. But creosote flakes on the chimney walls are toxic =
and can lead to respiratory problems. replace to vacuum the =
soot.

 

RSI (REPETITIVE STRAIN =
INJURY): Cards and letters by the bagful arrive on your doorstep through =
regular mail, but this year we’ve noticed you’re also receiving, and =
answering, e-mail on at least four Internet addresses. We applaud your =
move on to the information superhighway, with this caution: Too much =
keyboard work can result in painful injuries to the hands, wrists and =
arms.

 

DEER MITES: Close, =
continuous contact with your trusty reindeer means if they get mites, so =
might you. Watch out for itchy rashes, and keep the deer out of your =
bedroom.

 

FROSTBITE, HYPOTHERMIA: =
You usually bundle up, and that’s good. A Weather Service satellite =
recently showed the temperature at the North Pole was 13 below zero, and =
high winds are common. Exposure to such conditions can cause frostbite =
in minutes.

 

MALL THUGS: You spend a =
lot of time in shopping malls, so you already know things are getting a =
little tough out there. Try not to walk back to your sleigh at night =
alone.

 

MEMORY TROUBLE: It’s been =
said that you make a list, then check it twice. Just being careful, or =
are you developing a little memory problem?

 

SAD (SEASONAL AFFECTIVE =
DISORDER): This time of year, there is virtually no daylight at the =
North Pole, and a lack of sunlight can trigger depression in some =
people. Maybe a full-spectrum light would help keep you =
jolly.

 

VIRAL INFECTIONS: A young =
witness saw you kissing Mommy underneath the mistletoe last night. You =
know this is cold and flu season, don’t you?

 

JET LAG: Fatigue, =
dizziness and insomnia are all dangers that travellers face when they =
cross through several times zones. And few travellers cross all 24 of =
them in one night, like you do.

 

SLEIGH ACCIDENTS: We’ve =
seen plenty of pictures of you in that sleigh, but never with a seat =
belt, and we’d sure hate to see you get hurt. By the way, when you =
cruise through metropolitan areas, be sure to cover the load. You =
wouldn’t want to have an accident that would boost your insurance rates =
would you.

 

Which reminds us: You DO =
have insurance, don’t you?

 

[thanks to =
Jack Brown for the humor]

 

~~

Dr Bob Griffin =

bob@grif.net www.grif.net =

"Jesus Knows Me, This I =
Love!"