07/09/14 Grif.Net – Ways To Make Soccer More Exciting To Americans

07/09/14 Grif.Net – Ways To Make Soccer More Exciting To Americans

[Found this in 1998 file (not a joke) so obviously horrific boredom with
soccer even four “world cup’s” ago. Yeah some of these show their age and
others show why, in earlier days of the Grif.Net, we had too high of
standards of humor to stoop this low.]

Ties decided by which team’s hooligans vomit the furthest when kneed in the

Oh, I don’t know, maybe using a little something called hands!

Foot-long cleats

Every so often, the final score could maybe be different from the starting

Country A beats Country B — Country A owns Country B.

Change name to “Deathball 2000”

In front of each goal — a shark-filled moat.

Get Leonardo DiCaprio to declare that soccer is, like, way awesome.

Allow the use of hands, if they’re the hands you cut off an opposing player.

Tangled in the goal nets: Several angry, ravenous pit bulls.

Slowly driving around the field: O.J. in the white Bronco.

Use an oblong brown ball, change the rules, and call it “football.”

Bury a few land mines in the playing field, then sit back and watch the fun!

It doesn’t matter who wins or loses, because there’s a giant asteroid headed
straight for Earth on Y2K.

Start referring to Pele as “the inventor of the Slurpee.”

Whenever a goal is scored, Larry King has to get divorced and remarried.

Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”