Monthly Archives: April 2012

04/30/12 Grif.Net – Hymns for AARP’ers

Posted on by

[This weekend my bride hit 64 and joined me on the verge of Medicare. Got me
thinking about hymns meaningful to us "senior saints".]

Give Me that Old Timer Religion

Precious Lord, Take My Hand (and Help Me, I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up)

Just a Slower Walk with Thee

Go Tell It on the Mountain (but Speak Up)

Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing

Guide Me O Thou Great Jehovah (I’ve Forgotten Where I’ve Parked the Car)

Count Your Many Birthdays, Count Them One By One

Blessed Insurance

It Is Well With My Soul (but My Knees Still Hurt)

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

04/28/12 Weekend Grif.Net – Memorizing Psalm 23

Posted on by

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her 2nd grade class memorize Psalm
23, one of the most quoted passages in the Bible. She gave the children a
month to learn the chapter.

One little boy was excited about the task, but he just couldn’t memorize the
Psalm. Although he practiced and practiced, he could hardly get past the
first line.

The day came for the children to recite Psalm 23 before the congregation.
The little boy was nervous. When his turn came, he stepped up to the
microphone and proudly said, “‘The Lord is my Shepherd’ and that’s all I
need to know!”

[And with that I have to agree]

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

04/27/12 Grif.Net – Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created

Posted on by

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden
because he would not ask for directions.

9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him
the remote.

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his
wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor, dentist or haircut
appointment for himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the
curb.

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to
handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, since he didn’t have metal sheds or
greenhouses, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught
him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, “It is not good for man to be alone!”

And the #1 reason why God created Eve:
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His
head and said, “I can do better than that!”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

04/26/12 Grif.Net – Revival Results

Posted on by

Three churches in town had “revival meetings” at the same week. After the
revivals concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one
another.

The Evangelical Free minister said, “The revival worked out great for us! We
gained four new families.”

The Assemblies of God pastor added, “We did better than that! We gained six
new families.”

The Baptist preacher smiled at this and said, “Well, we did even better than
that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

04/25/12 Grif.Net – Prayer Answered

Posted on by

An elderly lady was well known for her faith and for her boldness in talking
about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout, “Praise the Lord!”

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her
proclamations he would shout, “There ain’t no God!”

Hard times set in on the elderly lady and she prayed for God to send her
some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted, “Praise the Lord!! God,
I need FOOD!! I am having a hard time. Please, Lord, send me some
groceries!”

The next morning, the lady went out on her porch and saw a large bag of
groceries and shouted, “Praise the Lord!”

The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, “Ha Ha!! I told you there
was no Lord. I bought those groceries. God didn’t.”

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and saying,
“PRAISE THE LORD!!! God not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil
pay for them!”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

04/24/12 Grif.Net – Oxymoronic

Posted on by

Living dead

Business ethics

New classic

Sweet sorrow

Plastic glasses

Tight slacks

Pretty ugly

Exact estimate

Found missing

Act naturally

Resident alien

Genuine imitation

Hospital food

Same difference

Alone together

Silent scream

Small crowd

Soft rock

Military intelligence

Taped live

Clearly misunderstood

Definite maybe

Working vacation

Good grief

Almost exactly

Sanitary landfill

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

04/23/12 Grif.Net – Smiling at the Thought

Posted on by

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. =
He
thought he was God and I didn’t.

 

I used to have a handle on life, but it =
broke.

 

You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to =
me.

 

I’m not a compete idiot — some parts are =
missing!

 

Consciousness: that annoying time between =
naps.

 

Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be =
when I
grew up.

 

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park =
elsewhere!

 

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up =
three
thousand times the memory.

 

The trouble with life is there’s no background =
music.

 

I smile because I don’t know what is really going =
on.

 

~~

Dr Bob Griffin

bob@grif.net www.grif.net =

"Jesus Knows Me, This I =
Love!"

04/21/12 Weekend Grif.Net – Jesus Loves Me

Posted on by

Jesus loves me, this I know,
Though my hair is white as snow.
Though my sight is growing dim,
Still He bids me trust in Him.
(CHORUS)

Though my steps are oh, so slow,
With my hand in His I’ll go
On through life, let come what may,
He’ll be there to lead the way.
(CHORUS)

Though I am no longer young,
I have much which He’s begun.
Let me serve Christ with a smile,
Go with others the extra mile.
(CHORUS)

When the nights are dark and long,
In my heart He puts a song.
Telling me in words so clear,
“Have no fear, for I am near.”
(CHORUS)

When my work on earth is done,
And life’s victories have been won.
He will take me home above,
Then I’ll understand His love
(CHORUS)

I love Jesus, does He know?
Have I ever told Him so?
Jesus loves to hear me say,
That I love Him every day.

(CHORUS)
YES, JESUS LOVES ME… YES, JESUS LOVES ME…
YES, JESUS LOVES ME FOR THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

04/20/12 Grif.Net – Hymns for Speeders

Posted on by

[Errata - "Concord Hymn" was written by Emerson, not Longfellow. Glad that
yesterday's grif.net was a blessing to those who, like me, are sticklers for
detail and pointed out in many emails from those who saw the glitch. Happy
to provide fodder.]

For those who push speed limits, here are some hymns you can sing as you
drive:

55 mph – Pass Me Not
65 mph – God Will Take Care of You
75 mph – Nearer My God To Thee
85 mph – This World Is Not My Home
95 mph – Lord, I’m Coming Home
and
105 mph – Precious Memories

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

04/19/2012 Grif.Net – Tribute to 1775

Posted on by

By the rude bridge that arched the =
flood,

Their flag to April’s breeze =
unfurled,

Here once the embattled farmers =
stood,

And fired the shot heard round the =
world.

 

The foe long since in silence =
slept;

Alike the conqueror silent =
sleeps;

And Time the ruined bridge has =
swept

Down the dark stream which seaward =
creeps.

 

On this green bank, by this soft =
stream,

We set to-day a votive =
stone;

That memory may their deed =
redeem,

When, like our sires, our sons are =
gone.

 

Spirit, that made those heroes =
dare

To die, and leave their children =
free,

Bid Time and Nature gently =
spare

The shaft we raise to them and =
thee.

 

~HW Longfellow, 1835 dedication of Concord =
Memorial

 

~~

Dr Bob Griffin

bob@grif.net www.grif.net =

"Jesus Knows Me, This I =
Love!"

 

04/18/12 Grif.Net – Revolutionary Questions

Posted on by

[Helping students see history on this important April =
day]

 

Teacher: What happened as a result of the Stamp Act? =

Student: The Americans licked the British!

 

Teacher: Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell? =

Student: Yeah, it cracked me up!

 

Teacher: What was General Washington’s favorite tree? =

Student: The infantry!

 

Teacher: "Why did Washington chop down the cherry =
tree with
his hatchet?"
Student: "Because his mom wouldn’t let him play with the chain =
saw!"

 

Teacher: "The Declaration of Independence was =
written
in Philadelphia.
True or false?"
Student: "False! It was written in =
ink!"

 

Teacher: What did George Washington say to his army =
at Valley Forge?
Student: "Sorry, men. The flights to Florida are all booked up and =
we’re
on stand-by!"

 

~~

Dr Bob Griffin

bob@grif.net www.grif.net =

"Jesus Knows Me, This I =
Love!"

04/17/12 Grif.Net – Tax Season

Posted on by

Heard it was “Tax Season”, so assumed I can hunt any IRS agent I see.
Anyone know it there is a limit on ‘em?

Two things you need to know about taxes. They’ve extended the deadline to
April 17, and when you write your check, just make it out to China.

Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington,
D.C., and the Obama cabinet sends its money to the Cayman Islands.

April 14 is national ‘Pecan Day’ to recognize nuts
April 15 (this year, 17) = Time to pay our taxes to support them.

When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that
get it done early, also known as psychopaths, and then the rest of us.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

04/16/12 Grif.Net – Auto-Reply Choices for my E-mail

Posted on by

1 – I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to
get the position.

2 – I’m not really out of the office. I’m just ignoring you.

3 – You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the
office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

4 – Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed
so that I may be promoted to management

5 – I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me
until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will
be deleted in the order it was received.

6 -Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the
first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

7 – The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is
unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending
again.

8 – Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in
approximately 19 weeks.

9 – Hi. I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC
for my response.

10 – Hi! I’m busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don’t bother to
leave me any messages.

Bonus – No longer here. I’ve run away to join a different circus.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”