# 02/29/12 Grif.Net – Bissextile Humor

[Get your minds out of the gutter. Bissextile means 'of, or pertaining to,
the leap year or the extra day in the leap year'.]

While our calendar only allows exactly 365 days each year, the earth
actually takes 365 days, 5 hours, 48 minutes, 46 seconds for a complete
orbit of the sun. If we did not add 1 extra day every 4 years, in only 100
years the calendar would be off from the true seasons by 24 days. We’d have
Christmas on Dec 1st!!

So how did this happen?

Romulus invented the early Roman calendar that had 10 months, starting on
what would be March 1 and different amounts of days. Very messy and
confusing
Martiius (1)
Aprllis (2)
Maius (3)
Junius (4)
Quintillis (5)
Sextillis (6)
September (7)
October (8)
November (9)
December (10)

About 700 BC Numa Pompillus had two more months tacked on the end of the
calendar, so that each month would be roughly the same and follow the lunar
cycle.

Januarius (11)
Februarius (12)

In 45 BC Julius Caesar saw that the calendar was moving and not aligned with
the seasons. So he decreed every 4 years a single day would be added to that
last day of the year (February 31). He was so vain that he changed the name
of Quintillis to July, after himself. And stole a day from February (end of
the year) to make July 31 days!

His successor Octavian (Caesar Augustus) followed suit, changing Sextillus
to August after himself, and stole another day from poor February to equal
31 days in that month.

Of course, by the mid 1400′s we had too MANY leap years and the calendar was
off again. So a new formula was devised a more complicated plan. Every 4
years a leap year but it must be NOT be divisible evenly by 100 (unless it
can be also divided evenly by 400.then it IS a leap year). Okay. Way
confusing for my pea brain. But 2012 cannot be evenly divided by 100 so we
get a leap year!! Yay!!

Trivia
*Those born on Feb 29 are called “leaplings”

*Mrs Karin Henrickson in Norway gave birth to children on 3 successive leap
days. A daughter in 1960, and sons in 1964 and 1968

*The Keogh family in Ireland has 3 generations of “leaplings” with the
father born in 1940, son 1964 and granddaughter 1996

*Gals may take the initiative on Feb 29 and ask guys for a date. This was
promoted by Lil Abner comic strip as “Sadie Hawkins” Day

Enjoy today. You won’t see another for 1460 days.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

# 02/28/12 Grif.Net – More Questions without Answers

Was the inventor of the colander accused of having an idea that did not hold
water?

Is it possible to have too much moderation?

Why is it that in order to support something, one must lean against it?

Is there a delicate way to say “euphemism?”

Is an ambulance driver required to pull over when he hears a siren?

People always worry about wasting “good money.” Has anyone ever seen “bad
money?”

What is the street value of a street?

Has anyone ever had a soft day at work?

Has a student ever been surprised by the absence of a quiz?

If you stand on a fence in the middle of a field, which side is greener?

When is Santa Claus’ birthday?

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

# 02/27/12 Grif.Net – Cow Humor for Moorons

Q: What day comes after Sunday on a cow’s calendar?
A: Moonday.

Q: What does a cow clean her kitchen with?
A: Mooop and Glow.

Q: What does the average cow earn for her labor?
A: Mooney.

Q: Where does a cow go on vacation?
A: Moontana or Cowifornia.

Q: What is a cow’s favorite rock band?
A: Mootley Crue.

Q: What type of car does the average cow drive?
A: A Moodel T or a Moostang.

Q: What does a cow do in her spare time?
A: She watches moovies.

Q: What is a cow’s favorite school subject?
A: Cowculus.

Q: What does a cow bring to her math class?
A: A cowculator.

Q: How does a cow keep track of her appointments?
A: She checks her cowander.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

# 02/25/12 Weekend Grif.Net – Wonder Why I’m Not a Democrat?

Thursday I was asked to pray at the precinct caucuses for the Republican’s
in our county. I counted it an honor I am a conservative and prayed for
the members of my party and for ALL Americans to stand for the moral and
spiritual principles that made our nation great..

I was asked later for a couple of “concrete examples” of why I was no longer
a Democrat. I gave the questioner a few quotations and asked if SHE would
want to be associated with such:

1. “Refusing to accept the earth as our sacred mother, these Christians have
become a dangerous threat to the survival of humanity. They are a blight
on the environment and to believe in Bible prophecy is unforgivable.”
From “Earth in Balance” by Al Gore

2. “I will stand with the Muslims [in America] should the political winds
shift in an ugly direction”
From ‘Audacity of Hope’ by Barak Obama

3. “You cannot go to a 7-11 or Dunkin Donuts unless you have a slight Indian
accent.”
From Joe Biden

4. “It depends on how you define ‘alone”. There were a lot of times when we
were alone, but I never really thought we were. It depends on what the
meaning of the word ‘is’ is”.
From Grand Jury testimony by Bill Clinton

5. “The Jews don’t like Farrakhan, so they call me Hitler. Well, that’s a
good name. Hitler was a very great man. He rose Germany up from the ashes.”
From a campaign speech by Louis Farrakhan

Then I ended with one from Ronald Reagan, a former Democrat who turned to
the Republican Party.

“Republicans believe every day is the 4th of July, but the democrats believe
every day is April 15.”

[The weekend grif.net blog always covers more serious issues. If you don't
agree, hit the garbage icon. That is what it's there for.]

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

# 02/24/12 Grif.Net – Off on a Tangent

[Got joking with my cyber-friend Ken about Math after yesterday's grif.net,
so thought I share some more "advanced" - read: "sick" - humor and word
plays.]

MY MATH TEACHER . . .
. . was beautiful but very difficult. She was easy on the eyes and hard on
the pupils.

. . was always watching her figure.

. . was a good dancer; obviously she had algorithm.

. . had 12 children, proving she really knew how to multiply.

. . went crazy with the blackboard and did a number on it.

. . When the heat went out one February day, she was very cold and
calculating.

MY MATH CLASS . .
You know what happens after you miss math class? It starts adding up.

I’ve failed the mathematics test so many times I lost count.

I strongly dislike the subject of math, however I am partial to fractions.

The top math student in class has a blood type of A+.

I’m so bad at math that the equation 2n+2n is 4n to me.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

# 02/23/12 Grif.Net – By the Numbers

Time for some jokes for my 10 (count ‘em) wonderful Grandkids from
kindergarten to algebra.

Q. What did 0 say to 8?
A. Nice Belt

Q. If you add 3+5+7 and your total is 6, what kind of job is best for you?

Q. What did one math book say to another?
A. Don’t bother me. I have enough problems of my own.

Q. Why were the boys are looking at the geometry textbook?
A. Because it had acute angles.

Q. Why was 10 afraid of 7?
A. Because 7, 8, 9 . . and 10 is next

Q. Having problems with Math homework?
A. Call Grandpa Griffin at 1-800-[(10x)(13i)2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x].

Q. Why did the right triangle go to the beach?
A. It was 90 degrees

A. It is an anagram

Q. What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by
its diameter?
A. Pumpkin Pi

Q. In Las Vegas they learn to count one, two, three, four, five, six, seven,
eight, nine, ten. What comes next?
A. Jack, Queen, King, Ace

Q. How do you make a “one” vanish?
A. Add a “g” and it’s “gone”.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

# 02/22/12 Grif.Net – Report form Grandma

Dear Grandson:

It’s been a long winter and I have become a little older since I saw you
last. Also, I’ve had a few changes have come into my life since then.
Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen
everyday.

As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see
John. Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of
my time and attention.

When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He
doesn’t like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to
joint.

After such a busy day, I’m really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay.
What a life. Oh yes, on the side I’m also flirting with Al Zymer.

Love, Grandma

P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be
thinking of the hereafter. I told him, “Oh I do it all the time. No matter
where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the
basement, I ask myself, “Now, what am I here after?”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

# 02/21/12 Grif.Net – Diagnosis

A doctor remarked on his new patient’s ruddy complexion. “I know” the
patient said, “It’s high blood pressure, I get it from my family.”

“Neither. From my wife’s side.”

“What?” the doctor questioned, “You can’t get high blood pressure from your
wife’s family.”

“Oh yeah? You should meet them sometime!”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

# 02/20/12 Grif.Net – Quiz for Day Off School

A lion was walking in the jungle and met two men, one sitting on a rock
reading a book, the other typing on his laptop. The lion ate only one. Which
one and Why?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

He ate the man reading the book, because everyone knows that readers digest
and writers cramp.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

# 02/18/12 Weekend Grif.Net – A Soldier’s Letter Home

[Sullivan Ballou, a major in the 2nd Rhode Island Infantry, wrote this
letter home to his wife in Smithfield, Rhode Island:]

My very dear Sarah,

The indications are very strong that we shall move in a few days, perhaps
tomorrow. Lest I should not be able to write you again, I feel impelled to
write a few lines that may fall under your eye when I shall be no more.

I have no misgivings about or lack of confidence in the cause in which I am
engaged, and my courage does not halt or falter. I know how strongly
American civilization now leans on the triumph of the government, and how
great a debt we owe to those who went before us through the blood and
suffering of the Revolution. And I am willing, perfecting willing, to lay
down all my joys in this life to help maintain this government and to pay
that debt.

Sarah, my love for you is deathless. It seems to bind me with mighty cables
that nothing but Omnipotence could break. And yet my love of country comes
over me like a strong wind and bears me irresistibly, with all these chains,
to the battlefield.

The memory of all the blissful moments I have enjoyed with you comes
crowding over me, and I feel most deeply grateful to God and you that I have
enjoyed them so long. And how hard it is for me to give them up and burn to
ashes the hopes of future years when, God willing, we might still have lived
and loved together and seen our sons grow up to honorable manhood around us.

If I do not return, my dear Sarah, never forget how much I love you, nor
that when my last breath escapes me on the battlefield, it will whisper your
name. Forgive my many faults and the many pains I have caused you. How
thoughtless, how foolish I have sometimes been.

But, oh Sarah! If the dead can come back to this earth and flit unseen
around those they love, I shall always be with you in the brightest days and
in the darkest nights. Always. Always.

And when the soft breeze fans your cheek, it shall be my breath; and as the
cool air fans your throbbing temple, it shall be my spirit passing by.

Sarah, do not mourn me dead. Think I am gone and wait for me, for we shall
meet again.

Maj. Sullivan Ballou

[Sullivan Ballou wrote this July 14, 1861, and was killed a week later at
the First Battle of Bull Run.]

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

# 02/17/12 Grif.Net – Where’s the Restroom?

Over the years, I have usually managed to decode the cute, but confusing
gender signs sometimes put on restaurants’ restroom doors. But every so
often, I get stumped.

I was in the Hilton in Houston last week and wandered off in search of the
men’s room and found myself confronted by two marked doors. One was labeled
“Bronco” and the other was designated “Cactus.”

Completely baffled, I stopped a waiter in the hall. “Excuse me. I need to
use the restroom.” Gesturing toward the doors, I said, “Which one should I
use?”

“Actually, we would prefer you to go there,” the waiter said, pointing to a
door down the hall marked ‘Men’. “Bronco and Cactus,” he explained, “are
private meeting rooms.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

# 02/16/12 Grif.Net – More Diet Humor Dribbling Over

Overheard in the clinic: ‘My stomach is so big I’m embarrassed by it,’
commented Will.

One of our gals asked, ‘Have you tried to diet?’

He replied, ‘Yes, but whatever color I use, it still sticks out.’

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

# 02/15/12 Grif.Net – Computer Poetry

Abort/Retry/Ignore (read like Poe’s “The Raven”)

Once upon a midnight dreary,
Fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor;
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
I took my jump-drive from the drawer.
I then invoked the SAVE command

Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed my options.
These three seemed to be the top ones.
Clearly, I must now adopt one -
Choose : “Abort, Retry, Ignore”.

With my fingers pale and trembling,
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Finally I pressed a key –
But on the screen what did I see?
Again: “Abort, Retry, Ignore”.

I tried to catch the chips off-guard –
I pressed again, but twice as hard.
Luck was just not in the cards – I saw what I had seen before.
Now I typed in desperation,
Trying random combinations.
Still there came the incantation -
Choose: “Abort, Retry, Ignore”.

There I sat, distraught, exhausted,
By my own machine accosted;
Getting up, I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw an awful sight,
A bold and blinding flash of light,
A lightning bolt that cut the night and shook me to my very core.
The PC screen collapsed and died,
“Oh no — my database”, I cried.
I thought I heard a voice reply,
“You’ll see your data — Nevermore!”

To this day I do not know
The place to which our data goes
Perhaps it goes to Heaven where the angels have it stored.
But as for productivity? Do tell,
I fear that it goes straight to . . well . .
And that’s the tale I have to tell -