I saw a neatly printed sign near the grocery store the other day that said:
NEED HELP? CALL JESUS
1-800-005-3787
Out of curiosity, I did.
A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
“Walking To School The First Day Back” by Misty Bus
“What I Dislike About Returning To School” by Mona Lott
“The Day the Car Pool Forgot Me” by I. Rhoda Bike
“How to Join MENSA” by Gene Yuss
“Can’t See the Chalkboard” by Sidney Backrow
“Using Webster’s for Term Papers” by Dick Shunnary
“Practical Jokes I Played On the First Day Of School” by Major Crackupp
“Be the Teacher’s Pet” by I. Wanda Know
“Making It Through the First Week Of School” by Gladys Saturday
“Is Life Over When Summer Ends?” by Midas Welbee
“What I Love About Returning To School” by I.M. Kidding
“Will Jimmy Finally Graduate?” by Betty Wont
“What Happens When You Get Caught Skipping School” by U. Will Gettitt
“I Love Math Class” by Adam Up
(Thanks to JM for some of these funnies)
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
In 1832, he was a 22-year old business failure.
That same year he ran for the State Legislature and was defeated.
In 1833, he was a business failure once again.
In 1836, he suffered a nervous breakdown.
In 1838, he lost in an effort to become Speaker of the House in the State
Legislature.
Five years later, he ran for US Congress – again it was in vain.
In 1846, he ran for Congress and won – only to lose his re-election bid in
1848.
He ran for the Senate in 1854, and lost.
He ran for the Vice-presidential nomination in 1856, and lost that too.
But In 1860, he became the 16th President of the United States.
Abraham Lincoln never gave up. Like him/his politics or not, his
perseverance gives us much to think about.
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
Aged 17, Marty had just received his first drivers license. The family
trooped out to the driveway, and climbed in the car for him to take them for
a ride for the first time. Dad immediately headed for the back seat,
directly behind the newly minted driver.
“I’ll bet you’re back there to get a change of scenery after all those
months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,”
said the beaming boy to his father.
“Nope,” his dad replied. “I’m gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat
as you drive, just like you’ve been doing to me for seventeen years.”
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
Before going in for surgery I thought it would be funny if I posted a note
on myself telling the surgeon to be careful. I used a magic marker across my
stomach and chuckled thinking of the doctor’s reaction when he saw it.
After the surgery I found that message gone and next to the surgical
incision was another note in marker: “Anyone know where my cell phone is?”
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to
operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York, says, ‘I like to see accountants on my
operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is
numbered.’
The second, from Chicago, responds, ‘Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is color coded.’
The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, ‘No, I really think librarians are the
best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.’
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: ‘You know, I like
construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts
left over.’
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC shut them all up when he
observed: ‘You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. They
have no guts, no heart, no brains and no spine. Plus, the top and the rear
end are interchangeable.’
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
I thought I was having a BAD night when I woke up and found that my water
bed had sprung a leak.
Then I realized that it was a REALLY bad night. I don’t own a water bed.
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
[School is starting so thought a few Student/Teacher laughs might brighten
the dismal outlook (of teachers AND students)]
Student: “I don’t think I deserved zero on this test!”
Teacher: “I agree, but that’s the lowest mark I could give you!”
~~
Teacher: How can you make so many mistakes in just one day?
Student: I get up early!
~~
Teacher: I told you to stand at the end of the line?
Student: I tried, but there was someone already there!
~~
Teacher: You aren’t paying attention to me. Are you having trouble hearing?
Student: No, teacher I’m having trouble listening!
~~
Teacher: Class, we will have only half a day of school this morning.
Class: Hooray
Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon!
~~
Teacher: Why can’t you ever answer any of my questions?
Student: Well if I could there wouldn’t be much point in me being here!
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
It is easy to look at our sports heroes and remember only their
accomplishment and hall-of-fame careers. We forget that they set some “bad”
records, too. But the focus should always be on the good when we are
looking at others. And hope THEY are looking at us the same way!!
TY COBB = most times (38) thrown out trying to steal a base in a single
season
HANK AARON = hit into the most double plays, ever!
WALTER JOHNSON = hit the most (204) batters
JIMMY FOXX = led major league in striking out for 7 consecutive seasons
ROBERTO CLEMENTE = only person to strike out four times in an All Star game
SANDY KOUFAX = struck out in 12 consecutive times at bat
REGGIE JACKSON = broke BABE RUTH’S record when he struck out 2000 times in
his career
CY YOUNG = holds the record for the most (313) losses as a pitcher.
Earl Weaver, famed Baltimore Oriole manager, said “Managers are always
learning, and mostly from our mistakes. That’s why I keep a list of my
mistakes at home for reference. I used to carry them around in my pants
pocket, but I finally had to stop. It gave me a limp.”
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
[A friend heard this story from Beth and claims it is true]
My husband’s name is Bud and my name is Beth.
After all the kids had grown and left home, my married son bought us an
anniversary sign to hang outside by our house numbers at the front door. It
simply read:
“Bud Beth and Beyond”
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
On a visit to the Mayan ruins at Tulum on the Yucatan Peninsula of Mexico, I
was impressed by how many facts and details the local tour guide knew. I was
especially entranced by the temple, and asked the guide for details. To
this, the guide stated that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and
still finding great treasures.
I asked about the approximate age of the ruins and he quickly replied, “This
temple is 1203 years old”.
Impressed at this accurate dating, my next question was how he could be
certain of the exact age.
“Easy”, replied the guide. “I heard archaeologists say the temple was 1200
years old, and that was about three years ago”
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
An American, a Russian, and a North African were all up in a hot-air balloon
together, but lost in the clouds. After a few minutes, the Russian put his
hand down through the clouds. “Oh my!” he said. “We’re right over my
homeland.”
“How can you tell?” asked the American.
“I can feel the cold air.” he replied.
A few hours later the African put his hand through the clouds. “Now we’re
right over my homeland.” he said.
“How do you know that?” asked the Russian. “I can feel the heat of the
Sahara.”
Several more hours pass and the American put his hand through the clouds.
“Aha, we’re right over New York City.”
The Russian and the African were amazed. “How do you know all of that?” they
exclaimed.
The American pulled his hand up. “My watch is missing.”
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
Top Signs You’re at a Bad Motel
1. The “complimentary” newspaper tells you that President Kennedy has died.
2. The mint on the pillow starts moving when you come close to it.
3. The “magic fingers vibration” is supplied by giving a quarter to the town
epileptic.
4. There is still some stuff that they put around crime scenes that is
yellow
5. The pictures are not placed for decoration but to cover up recent bullet
holes.
6. You have to wait until the guy next door is done with the towel so you
can use it.
7. There’s a chalk outline in the bed when you pull back the covers.
8. The desk clerk has to move the body in order to get some ice for you.
9. The Only TV station you can get is running a Roseanne marathon on it
10. The wake up call comes courtesy of police helicopter
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
