[Bob J reported this story:]

In our Anglican church, each service begins with a greeting. The officiating
clergyman says, “The Lord be with you.” The congregation used to respond by
saying, “And with thy spirit.”

But, with the modernizing of the liturgy, the minister now says, “The Lord
be with you,” and everyone responds with, “And also with you.”

One Sunday a visiting bishop went to a church where the sound system was
known to be old and unreliable. As he approached the microphone, he tapped
it several times and finally said, “There’s something wrong with this!”

Without hesitation, the whole congregation answered faithfully, “And also
with you.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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When I take a long time…
- I am slow
When my boss takes a long time
- he is thorough

When I don’t do it…
- I am lazy
When my boss doesn’t do it
- he is too busy

When I do something without being told…
- I am over-stepping my boundaries
When my boss does the same thing
- that is initiative

When I take a stand…
- I am stubborn
When my boss does it
- he is being firm

When I overlook a rule of etiquette…
- I am rude
When my boss slips a few rules
- he is being original

When I please my boss…
- I am apple polishing
When my boss pleases his boss
- he is co-operating

When I get ahead…
- I am lucky
When my boss gets ahead
- that’s hard work

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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[Top ten excuses for not doing math homework]

I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames.

Today is Isaac Newton’s birthday.

I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook. I couldn’t actually reach
it.

I have the proof, but there isn’t room to write it in this margin.

I was watching the All Star Game and got tied up trying to prove where the
foul lines converged.

I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy.

I locked the paper in my trunk but a four-dimensional dog got in and ate it.

I couldn’t figure out whether i am the square of negative one or i is the
square root of negative one.

I took time out to snack on a doughnut and a cup of coffee. I spent the rest
of the night trying to figure which one to dunk.

I could have sworn I put the homework inside a Klein bottle, but this
morning I couldn’t find it.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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1. On Sears hairdryer: “Do not use while sleeping.”
Wouldn’t that save time?

2. On a bag of Fritos: “You could be a winner! No purchase necessary!
Details inside.”
So, you just rip the package open, read the details, and then put the
package back on the shelf?

3. On a bar of Dial soap: “Use like regular soap.”
So Dial soap isn’t soap?

4. On Nytol Sleep Aid: “Warning: May cause drowsiness.”
One can only hope

5. On a Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): “Do not turn upside
down.”
Oops! Too late!

6. On packaging for an iron: “Do not iron on body.” So that’s what I’ve been
dong wrong.

7. On Children’s Cough Medicine: “Do not drive a car or operate machinery
after taking this medicine.”
Yes, we could prevent a lot of accidents if we could get those little kids
out from behind the wheel of a car and off those forklifts.
.
8. On a Japanese food processor: “Not to be used for the other use.”
And what IS the “other use”?

9. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: “Instructions: Open packet, eat
nuts.”
Don’t know what I’d do without those instructions.

10. On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid: “Do not use on food.”
So that’s why my pancakes tasted so funny.

Bonus: On a bottle of All laundry detergent: “Remove clothing before
distributing in washing machine.”
I’m curious as to how many people wash their clothes in a washing machine
while still wearing them?

[Thanks to J-M for the laughs]

Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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[My daughter is coming this week. She has a PHOBIA about our pantry,
cupboard, fridge and freezer. She must think we old folks can actually READ
those little expiration date codes on the boxes and cans. Or that we CARE.
Anyway, here are some "rules" to follow for food safety. You're welcome.]

*If you can’t tell the difference between your ice cubes and your ice cream,
it’s time to throw BOTH out.

*Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in
your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the
time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

*When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably
past its prime.

*Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when
it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it
starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled
milk anyway – if you can dig down and still find something non-green, bon
appetite!

*If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block
radius to congregate outside your house, toss the meat.

*Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster.
Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.

*Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be
disposed of… very carefully.

*Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

*Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable “spots”
that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy
looking white or green growth areas are good indications that your bread has
turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. You may wish to discard
it at this time, depending on your interest in pharmaceuticals.

*It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when
it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date, or when it will no
longer fall out of the box by itself.

*Flour is spoiled when it wiggles, or things fly out when you open it.

*Raisins should not usually be harder than your teeth.

*Most spices cannot die, they just fade away. They will be fine on your
shelf, forever. Put them in your will like we did. For your snoopy but
loving son or daughter.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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A friend shared this – While I was sitting in my parked car on the street
one day, a young woman in the car ahead came over and asked me if I had a
hammer she could borrow. When I said no, she got one from the man in the
car in front of her. She then deftly proceeded to smash out the vent pane
on the driver’s side of her car. After returning the hammer, she opened her
door, took out the keys, and waved them at us with a triumphant grin.

As she drove away, the fellow who lent her the hammer came over to me,
spread his hands and said, ‘If only she had told me why she wanted the
hammer, I think I could have helped her. I’m a locksmith.’

We do tend to go through life hammering away at fragile and valuable things
we do not understand and cannot solve, when there is, more often than not,
help available to us for the asking. We break and hurt so much in ourselves
and in others when, if we would but ask, we could resolve the matter far
less painfully. Remember, an old friend of ours over 2000 years ago said:
‘Ask and it shall be given to you!’

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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[When I get the message "Your computer has performed an illegal operation",
I get frustrated. How much better to see it in Haiku? Here are some of the
best.]

The Web site you seek cannot be located, but countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.

Program aborting: Close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much.

Windows 7 crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that.

Your file was so big. It might be very useful. But now it is gone.

A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone.

Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which has
occurred.

You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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A fellow walked in to a nice Mexican restaurant. At the table they brought
him a beverage, some chips and salsa to nibble on as he looked over the
menu.

“Nice shirt”, a voice came from nearby. He looked around, but didn’t see
anyone who might have said it.

Continuing to check the menu he heard “Good looking haircut”. Now he was
nervous and looked for the source. Nothing.

Finally, he heard, “Are those new glasses?” Frustrated, he summoned the
waiter and asked if he had said something to him.

“No, but it might have been the tortilla chips. They’re complimentary.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in
full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly
and was telling the men how to given the necessary assurance to their
partners at each stage of the pregnancy.

“Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially
beneficial since it strengthens your pelvic muscles and will make delivery
much easier.”

Then she looked at the men in the room and added, “Gentlemen, remember
you’re in this together. It wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her.”

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then
a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand and asked the obvious
question: “I was just wondering if it’s all right for her to carry my golf
bag while we walk?”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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[A loyal grif.net subscriber in Cody sent me this story.]

Three friends decided to go hunting together. One was a lawyer, one a
doctor, and the other a preacher. As they were walking, along came a big
buck. The three of them shot at the same time and the buck dropped
immediately. The hunting party rushed to see how big it actually was. Upon
reaching the fallen deer, they found out that it was dead but had only one
bullet hole in the side of the head.

A debate followed concerning whose buck it was. When a game warden came by,
he offered to help. A few moments later, he had the answer.

He said with much confidence, “The pastor shot the buck!”

The friends were amazed that he could determine that so quickly and with so
little examination. The game warden just smiled. “It was easy to figure out.
The bullet went in one ear and out the other.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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[Many have today off to celebrate the 4th of July. Let's remember this sage
advice from thousands of years ago.]

“The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt
should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and
controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest
Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on
public assistance.”

From ‘A Pillar of Iron’, Taylor Caldwell’s account of the life of Roman
Senator Cicero. Most of the “quotations” were simply paraphrase of speeches,
of course, but you get the thinking!

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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RAGGED OLD FLAG

I walked through a county courthouse square,
On a park bench an old man was sitting there.
I said, “Your old courthouse is kinda run down.”
He said, “Naw, it’ll do for our little town.”
I said, “Your flagpole has leaned a little bit,
And that’s a Ragged Old Flag you got hanging on it.

He said, “Have a seat”, and I sat down.
“Is this the first time you’ve been to our little town?”
I said, “I think it is.” He said, “I don’t like to brag,
But we’re kinda proud of that Ragged Old Flag.”

“You see, we got a little hole in that flag there
When Washington took it across the Delaware.
And it got powder-burned the night Francis Scott Key
Sat watching it writing _Oh Say Can You See_.
And it got a bad rip in New Orleans
With Packingham and Jackson tuggin’ at its seams.”

“And it almost fell at the Alamo
Beside the Texas flag, but she waved on through.
She got cut with a sword at Chancellorsville
And she got cut again at Shiloh Hill.
There was Robert E. Lee, Beauregard, and Bragg,
And the south wind blew hard on that Ragged Old Flag.”

“On Flanders Field in World War I
She got a big hole from a Bertha gun.
She turned blood red in World War II
She hung limp and low by the time it was through.
She was in Korea and Vietnam.
She went where she was sent by her Uncle Sam.”

“She waved from our ships upon the briny foam,
And now they’ve about quit waving her back here at home.
In her own good land she’s been abused —
She’s been burned, dishonored, denied and refused.”

“And the government for which she stands
Is scandalized throughout the land.
And she’s getting threadbare and wearing thin,
But she’s in good shape for the shape she’s in.
‘Cause she’s been through the fire before
And I believe she can take a whole lot more.”

“So we raise her up every morning,
Take her down every night.
We don’t let her touch the ground
And we fold her up right.
On second thought I DO like to brag,
‘Cause I’m mighty proud of that Ragged Old Flag.”

[Written by Johnny Cash]

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

p.s. When you’re overeating on Mom’s tater salad, burgers or brats at that
4th of July cookout, don’t forget about the HCG Cord diet/spray that has
been mentioned here throughout the week. At just $16 it is worth a try (and
we ship first class mail so it will get there as fast as that second helping
of ice cream got to your thighs) www.phr.net for all details/ordering!

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[Getting ready for grandkids to come soon with 'corny joke time'. Some of
these are truly pathetic. The jokes, not the grandkids . . . ]

Q. How is a healthy person like the United States?
A. They both have good constitutions!

Q. What’s big, cracked, and carries your luggage?
A. The Liberty Bellhop!

Q. Did you hear about the cartoonist in the Continental Army?
A. He was a real Yankee doodler!

Q. What kind of tea did the American colonists thirst for?
A. Liberty!

Q. What happened as a result of the Stamp Act?
A. The Americans licked the British!

Q. Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
A. Because the horse was too heavy to carry!

Q. Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?
A. Yeah, it cracked me up!

Q. What did the US flag say when it met the Wyoming flag?
A. Nothing. It just waved!

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

(Remember, this week we have emphasized the great new diet program and
inexpensive spray HCG Cord at the wife’s clinic www.phr.net. Check it out
and order some today so we can all be losers together!!)

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