05/15/10 Weekend Grif.Net – Burning Hut

The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited
island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him, and every day he scanned
the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming.

Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to
protect him from the elements and to store his few possessions. But then one
day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in
flames, the smoke rolling up to the sky.

The worst had happened; everything was lost. He was stunned with grief and
anger. “God, how could you do this to me!” he cried. Early the next day,
however, he was awakened by the sound of a ship that was approaching the
island. It had come to rescue him.

“How did you know I was here?” asked the weary man of his rescuers. “We saw
your smoke signal,” they replied.

It is easy to get discouraged when things are going badly. But we shouldn’t
lose heart, because God is at work in our lives, even in the midst of pain
and suffering. Remember, next time your little hut is burning to the
ground–it just may be a smoke signal that summons the grace of God.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

05/14/10 Grif.Net – Baby Animal Names

Time for a quiz. I will list a type of animal or bird, and you give the
name of its young. Some are little used and lesser known. Some even the
kiddies know and love!

Example:
Cow – calf

Antelope -
Bear –
Beaver –
Birds –
Cat
Codfish
Deer –
Dog –
Duck –
Eagle –
Eel –
Elephant –
Elephant seal –
Fish –
Fowl –
Fox –
Frog –
Goat –
Goose –
Grouse –
Guinea fowl –
Hawk –
Hen –
Horse –
Kangaroo –
Lion –
Owl –
Pig –
Pigeon –
Rabbit –
Rat –
Rooster –
Salmon –
Seal –
Shark –
Sheep –
Swan –
Tiger –
Turkey –
Whale –
Zebra –

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

05/13/10 Grif.Net – Existential Zingers

Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

What did love say to fear? Nothing. Love knows no fear.

Why do they bother saying “raw” sewage? Do some people cook that stuff?

Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was
locking the front door. I said, “Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours!”
He goes: “Not in a row!”

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doc, my brother’s crazy, he thinks
he’s a chicken.” The doctor says, “Why don’t you turn him in?” The guy says,
“We would, but we need the eggs.”

I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could
drive.

Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of
dinner he turned to me and said, “Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?”

I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all
over the world.

I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any
time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Let me ask you something–if someone’s lying, are their pants really on
fire?

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

05/12/10 Grif.Net – Partnership Names

Bank, Rupp & Baroque, Loans

Bright, Light & Powers, Electricians

Flowers, Bush & Hedges Landscaping

Cook, Books & Hyde, CPA

Dewey, Cheatam & Howe, Tax Service

House & Holmes Realty

The Reid & Wright Learning Center

Rex Carr’s Driving School

White, Sands & Son, Cruise Consultants

Ketchum & Killum, Bounty Hunters

Hyde & Haire Taxidermy

Lewis N. Clark, Wilderness Outfitter

The Leaven and Earth Bakery

Mary Annette’s Puppet Shop

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

05/11/10 Grif.Net – Signs of the Times

You know you are living in 2010 when…

1 You currently have 10 or more items “recharging” in your home or office.

2 You’ve accidentally entered your password on the microwave.

3 You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

4 You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

5 You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

6 Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don’t have
e-mail addresses.

7 When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a
business manner.

8 When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial “9″ to get an
outside line.

9 You’ve sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different
companies.

10 Your boss doesn’t have the ability to do your job.

11 Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get
long-service awards.

AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE…

12 You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

13 As you read it, you thought about forwarding it to your “friends.”

14 You got this email from someone you’ve never met or even talked to, but
he just keeps sending you jokes from the net.

15 You are too busy to notice there was no #9

16 You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9

And now U R laughing at yourself!!

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

05/10/10 Grif.Net – English Replacing German in the European Union

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will
be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other
possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s Government conceded
that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5
year phase-in plan that would be known as “Euro-English”.

In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make
the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favor of
the “k”. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less
letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will make words like
“fotograf” 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to
reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments
will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a
deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the
silent “e”s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th”
with “z” and “w” with “v”.

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining
“ou” and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of
leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor
trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze
drem vil finali kum tru! And zen ve vil tak over ze vorld!

[Thanks to SS down under for this clever humor]

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

05/08/10 Weekend Grif.Net – Mothers and the Census

THAT’S LIFE: A CENSUS POEM

[Published in the July 2007 edition of Royal Statistical Society News,
London]

He said “Your occupation please”,
This census-taking guy.
I started to enumerate
And said quite frankly, “I
Wash the dishes, scrub the floors,
Shine the windows, polish doors,
Bathe three children, wipe their noses,
Work a little in the roses.
Do the washing, iron the clothes,
Pick up playthings, mend the hose,
Sweep out daily, close britches,
Sew a dress with tiny stitches,
Nurse a sick one, make the beds,
Kiss hurt places, shampoo heads,
Wash the blood off, hunt the mittens,
Wipe up after pups and kittens,
Tuck in covers, hear each prayer,
Brag a little, ease a care,
Take your pick. I get no pay,
But that’s what I do every day”.
He listened very carefully,
That’s why I’m so annoyed,
Because that man just scribbled down
‘Housewife. Unemployed.’

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

05/07/10 Grif.Net – Genealogy Woes

[I am presently putting together an 8-generation "tree" for my grandkids, in
hopes they will find roots. It is a challenge for sure. Here are some
random thoughts.]

The only thing I know for sure is that I come from a long line of dead
people.

Can a first cousin, once removed, return?

Cemetery: (n) A marble orchard not to be taken for granite.

‘Crazy’ is a relative term in MY family.

I trace my family history so I will know who to blame.

That’s strange; half my ancestors are WOMEN!

Do I even WANT ancestors? Some I found I wish I could lose.

Every family tree has some sap in it.

I have a hay stack full of needles. It’s the threads I need.

Heredity: Everyone believes in it until their own children act like fools!

I looked at my family tree…there were two dogs using it.

I think my family tree is a few branches short of full bloom.

My ancestors are hiding in a witness protection program.

Theory of relativity: If you go back far enough, we’re all related.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

05/06/10 Grif.Net – Temperance Sermon

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said,
“If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the
river!”

With even greater emphasis he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world,
I’d take it and pour it into the river.”

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, “And if I had all
the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river!”

Sermon competed, he sat down. The song leader stood very cautiously and
announced, with a wry smile, “For our closing hymn let us sing Hymn #723,
“Shall We Gather at the River.”

~~ 
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

05/05/10 Grif.Net – Illegal, Immoral or Fattening

In the beginning God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and
spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman
would live long and healthy lives. Then using God’s great gifts, Satan
created Ben and Jerry’s and Krispy Kreme. And Satan said, “You want
chocolate with that?” And man said “Yea.” and woman said, “And another one
with sprinkles.” And they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt that woman might keep the figure that
man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and
sugar from the cane, and combined them. And woman went from size 2 to size
6. So God said, “Try my fresh green salad.” And Satan presented
Thousand-Island Dressing and garlic toast on the side. And man and woman
unfastened their belts following the repast. God then said, “I have sent you
heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them.” And Satan
brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its
own platter. And man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the
roof.

God then brought running shoes so that his children might loose those extra
pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have
to toil changing the channels. And man and woman laughed and cried before
the flickering light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with
nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy
center into chips and deep-fried them. And man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that man might consume fewer calories and still
satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald’s and its 99-cent double
cheeseburger. Then said, “You want fries with that?” and man replied, “Yea!
And super size ‘em.” And Satan said “It is good.” and man went into cardiac
arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. And Satan created HMOs.

~~ 
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

05/04/10 Grif.Net – New Teeth

An older minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new
dentures were being made. The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes. The
second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he
preached 1 hour 25 minutes.

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded:
The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.
The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot.
The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife’s dentures… and I
couldn’t stop talking!

~~ 
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

05/03/10 Grif.Net – May Pun o’the Month

This Kentucky horse breeder had a filly that won every race in which she was
entered. But as she got older she became very temperamental. He soon found
that when he raced her in the evening, she would win handily, but when she
raced during the day she would come in dead last. He consulted the top
veterinarians and horse psychologists to no avail.

He finally had to give up because it had become a real night mare.

 ~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

05/01/10 Weekend Grif.Net – Shoe Story

Dorothy lost hers. I forgot mine. My wife broke hers. I speak of shoes, of
course. So why are we all smiling?

Dorothy is that sweet little girl who broke in that bustin’ bronco of a
tornado, landing in Oz and inheriting magic ruby slippers from a dead wicked
witch.

For most people, the story ends when Dorothy loses her precious slippers
somewhere over the scorching desert that surrounds Oz … much like a
Congressman loses his power when he flies out of Washington and crosses over
the gridlock on the scorching mid-summer Beltway.

Just as a Congressman is bound to return to Washington sooner or later,
Dorothy actually does return to Oz many times. In fact, there are dozens
more books in the Oz series featuring hundreds of almost unknown characters.

With or without the power of her ruby slippers, Dorothy makes her way back
to enjoy a multitude of unbelievable adventures with her favorite misfits.

Shoe lesson number one. When you LOSE your shoes, improvise.

I discovered my shoes were missing also while flying high in the sky.

Back in my days as a consumer advocate, I was on my way to deliver a speech
in Newfoundland, sharing the lectern with the Newfoundland Minister of
Transportation.

Sitting comfortably in the airplane seat, my mind was bobbing aimlessly on
an ocean of emptiness. Suddenly I broke out in a cold sweat as I realized I
had forgotten my dress shoes at home. In fact, they were waiting faithfully
by the front door, ready to greet me upon my return.

In a matter of seconds I torpedoed through one thought after the other:

Yikes! I’m wearing running shoes for an important speech.

I know, I can buy a new pair when I land.

Too late; the stores are already closed.

What about in the morning?

No, tomorrow is Sunday and my speech is scheduled for 9:00 a.m.

90 seconds later, the cold sweat had miraculously been replaced with a
single affirmation: ‘I will improvise’

The next morning, I began my speech: ‘You might be wondering why I am
wearing running shoes today. Well, it’s about this petition here. When I’m
done speaking, I’ll be running door to door and I want every one of you to
come running with me, too.’

It was not the speech I had come to deliver, but it worked just as well.
Better, in fact. My little ‘goof-up’ became a clever demonstration of action
speaking louder than words.

Shoe lesson number two. When you FORGET your shoes, improvise.

My brother was getting married. We had just witnessed the signing of the
papers at their house, and they were rushing over to another place for the
ceremony. Don’t ask!

As we locked up their house, my wife’s sandal broke. She tried walking in
it, but to no avail. So off to the nearest shoe store we flew –
figuratively, that is. This is not another story about losing shoes hundreds
or thousands of feet above a desert or a traffic jam.

We knew they would wait for us before starting the ceremony. What we did not
know is how long they would wait.

That day, my wife performed a miracle that no other woman has done before or
since. She went into the store and came out just five minutes later with the
perfect pair of sandals – smashing to smithereens the old
woman-shopping-for-shoes Olympic record!

Shoe lesson number three. If you BREAK your shoes, improvise.

Perhaps the most important lesson here is that, contrary to popular belief,
the shoe does not make the man (or woman). But the lack of shoes sure can
build character.

And it gives us a great opportunity to improvise.

[by David Leonhardt, "Climb Your Stairway to Heaven: the Nine Habits of
Maximum Happiness"]

 ~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”