[Final installment of Tax "Humor". Hey, we TRIED to make the week better.]

What can we, as citizens, do to reform our tax system? As you know, under
our three-branch system of government, the tax laws are created by Satan.
But he works through the Congress, so that’s where we must focus our
efforts.
~~

Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what’s called a red flag. That’s something
the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your
bank account after paying taxes. That’s a red flag.
~~

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what
to have for dinner.
~~

Remember, you don’t PAY taxes – they TAKE taxes.
~~

If we don’t do something to simplify the tax system, we’re going to end up
with a national police force of internal revenue agents. (Leon Panetta)
~~

Q. Are we EVER going to have a federal tax system that regular people can
understand?
A. Our top political leaders have all voiced strong support for this idea.
Q. So you’re saying it will never happen?
A. Right.
~~

There may be liberty and justice for all, but there are tax breaks only for
some.
~~

And to you taxpayers out there, let me say this: make sure you file your tax
return on time! And remember that, even though income taxes can be a “pain
in the neck,” the folks at the IRS are regular people just like you. Except
that they can destroy your life.

~~ 
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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[More "rather laugh than cry" jokes on taxes]

A university committee was selecting a new dean. They had narrowed the
candidates down to a mathematician, an economist and a tax lawyer. Each was
asked this question during their interview: “How much is two plus two?”

The mathematician answered immediately, “Four.”

The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, “Four, plus
or minus one.”

Finally the tax lawyer stood up, peered around the room and motioned
silently for the committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed,
conspiratorial tone, he replied, “How much do you want it to be?”
~~

How is a mugger different from the Internal Revenue Service? Both take your
money, but the mugger doesn’t make you fill out forms.
~~

More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems — back
taxes, back rent, back auto payments.
~~

People who complain about taxes can be divided into two classes: men and
women.
~~

Earlier today, the White House released President Obama’s tax return. Not
surprisingly, under his dependents, the president listed the auto industry,
the banks, student loans, the health care system, ACORN, the labor unions,
the insurance industry, the energy industry, CBS . . .
~~

The IRS now says you can deduct weight loss plans off your taxes. You can
write it off because the government has officially declared obesity a
disease. And it’s a disease, you can deduct medical expenses. That shows
what a difference an administration can make. See under Obama, obesity is a
disease. Under Clinton it was just sexy.
~~

Taxation with representation ain’t so hot either.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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[I will be up late tonight working on my 1040. And I will not be alone in
America.]

“Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases
‘revenue enhancement’. Not so. No one was fooled.” (Dan Quayle V.P.
1989-1993)
~~

The government deficit is the difference between the amount of money the
government spends and the amount it has the nerve to collect.
~~

Why is it that when the IRS loses a tax return, it is considered a mistake,
but when you lose a receipt, it is considered tax evasion?
~~

The wages of sin is death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it’s just
sort of a tired feeling.
~~

Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don’t know when it’s
through if you are a crook or a martyr.
~~

A tax audit like a tornado – there’s a lot of screaming and you end up
losing your house.
~~

When are we going to be allowed to list the government as a dependent?
~~

The Internal Revenue Code is about 10 times the size of the Bible – and
unlike the Bible, contains no good news.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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[I will be up late tonight working on my 1040. And I will not be alone in
America.]

“Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases
‘revenue enhancement’. Not so. No one was fooled.” (Dan Quayle V.P.
1989-1993)
~~

The government deficit is the difference between the amount of money the
government spends and the amount it has the nerve to collect.
~~

Why is it that when the IRS loses a tax return, it is considered a mistake,
but when you lose a receipt, it is considered tax evasion?
~~

The wages of sin is death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it’s just
sort of a tired feeling.
~~

Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don’t know when it’s
through if you are a crook or a martyr.
~~

A tax audit like a tornado – there’s a lot of screaming and you end up
losing your house.
~~

When are we going to be allowed to list the government as a dependent?
~~

The Internal Revenue Code is about 10 times the size of the Bible – and
unlike the Bible, contains no good news.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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[More in this week's collection of odd thoughts about taxes]

Do you realize that some tax forms ask you to check a box if you are BLIND?
~~

The Eiffel Tower is the Empire State Building after taxes.
~~

Under the Freedom of Information Act, a man with a small business sent a
request to the IRS asking if they had a file on him. The IRS wrote back,
“There is now.”
~~

It would be nice if we could all pay our taxes with a smile, but normally
cash is required.
~~

Who audits IRS agents?
~~

A man about to have a heart transplant was offered the choice of either a 26
year-old marathon runner’s heart or the heart of a 62 year-old IRS agent. He
picked the agent’s heart because he said it had never been used.
~~

There is no child so bad that he/she can’t be used as an income tax
deduction.
~~

A taxpayer received a strongly worded “second notice” that his taxes were
overdue. Hastening to the collector’s office, he paid his bill, saying
apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice. “Oh,” confided the
collector with a smile, “we don’t send out first notices. We have found that
the second notices are more effective.”
~~

It’s tax time. I know this because I’m staring at documents that make no
sense to me, no matter how much I drink.

~~ 
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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[Each day this week we will try to lighten the load as you cry to do your
taxes. Er, TRY to do your taxes.]

We’ll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a
strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
~~

Avoid strong drink. It can cause you to shoot at tax collectors…and miss!
~~

I have always paid income tax. I object only when it reaches a stage when I
am threatened with having nothing left for my old age – which is due to
start next Tuesday or Wednesday.
~~

I can give you 1040 good reasons why I hate the government.
~~

What’s the difference between an optimist, a pessimist, and an accountant?
To the optimist, the glass of water is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass of water is half empty.
To the accountant, the glass of water is twice as big as it needs to be.
~~

You must pay taxes. But there’s no law that says you gotta leave a tip.
~~

A fool and his money are soon parted. It takes creative tax laws for the
rest.
~~

Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose you more money than
any single person in your life, with the possible exception of your kids.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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Full Coverage [by HHH]

I have an insurance policy . . .
Written in the blood of the Lamb,
Sealed by the Cross of Jesus,
Redeemable wherever I am!

The company will never go bankrupt,
It is bonded by God’s promise true;
It will keep every word of its contract,
Exactly what it says it will do.

I don’t have to die to collect it,
No premiums do I have to pay;
All I do is to trust God’s promise
And walk in His holy way.

No collector will ever come calling,
It was paid on Calvary’s tree;
It insures me for living and dying
And for all eternity.

 ~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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[While trying to use up those Easter Eggs, a friend shared this top ten list
of "Why the Easter Bunny Brings Eggs"]

10. Big tax write-off if Easter comes before April 15th.

9. Who ever heard of Easter carrots?

8. Consider all of the varieties: scrambled, over easy, hard boiled,
poached, soft boiled.

7. He gets a good deal from the local chickens.

6. Secret plan to eliminate human race by cholesterol overdose.

5. Pressure from the Egg Marketing Board.

4. Because if it brought bottle rockets and fire crackers it would be the
Independence Bunny.

3. Would you want to hunt for waffles on Easter morning?

2. He thinks even homely guys should get chicks at least once a year.

1. Because the Energizer rabbit got the good job.

~~ 
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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[A preacher circulated this "oldie-but-goodie" and made me laugh. Again.]

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy
should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his
age, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn’t seem too
concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father
decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy’s room and placed on his
study table four objects:

A Bible . . A silver dollar . . A bottle of whisky . . And a girlie magazine

‘I’ll just hide behind the door,’ the old preacher said to himself. ‘When he
comes home from school today, I’ll see which object he picks up.

If it’s the Bible, he’s going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing
that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he’s going to be a business man,
and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he’s going to be
a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of
all if he picks up that magazine he’s going to be a skirt-chasing
womanizer.’

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son’s foot-steps as he
entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he
spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over
to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his
arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He
uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired the magazine’s
pictures.

‘Lord have mercy,’ the old preacher disgustedly whispered. ‘He’s gonna run
for Congress.’

 ~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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[We can't use the "r" word. My grandkids look at me as if I cussed when I
say "stupid" bear (I changed it to "silly"). So how DO we describe some
friends or co-worker or boss if we are limited in language? Here are 15 of
the best we've heard . . . ]

A few clowns short of a circus.

A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

About three cents short of a nickel.

Crazy as a bucket of frogs.

Doesn’t have all the dots on the dice.

Doesn’t have both oars in the water.

Doesn’t know which side of the toast the butter is on.

Half a bubble off plumb.

In the shopping mall of the mind, he/she’s in the toy department.

Left the store without all the groceries.

Missing a few buttons on the remote control.

Not enough sandwiches for a picnic.

Oil doesn’t reach the dipstick.

One Fruit short of a loom.

One taco short of a combination plate.

 ~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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[My favorite speech/voice prof sent this important RECALL NOTICE]

Yamaha has recalled 20,000 pianos due to a problem with the pedal sticking,
causing pianists to play faster than they normally would. This has resulted
in a number of accidentals. Several near misses have also been reported in
the carpal tunnel.

The sticky pedal also makes it harder to come to a full stop at the end of a
piece making it risky for audiences and professional reputations alike.
Although there have been many accidentals, so far there have been no
reported deafs. Currently sales are flat and analysts are waiting to see if
current volumes will be sustained or dampened.

Experts suggest that Yamaha’s response will be the key. Criticism of the
company has been sharp, and Congress is planning hearings to find out when
Yamaha first learned about the treble.

 ~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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[Gramma K sent me this experience]

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive
Lab tests, he said I was doing ‘fairly well’ for my age. (I just turned 62).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, ‘Do you
think I’ll live to be 80?’

He asked, ‘Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?’

‘Oh no,’ I replied. ‘I’m not doing drugs, either!’

Then he asked, ‘Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”

I said, ‘Not much… my former doctor said that all red meat is very
unhealthy!’

‘Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking,
or bicycling?’

‘No, I don’t,’ I said.

He asked, ‘Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of physical
activity?’

‘No,’ I said.

He looked at me and said, ‘Then, why do you even care?

 ~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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[This is a true story from this past week here in Casper]

My wife doctors many missionaries and we send packages of natural health
products anywhere in the world they are needed. One couple had left the
field because of health issues, and Teresa worked with the wife and they
were able to return and have had years of fruitful ministry.

In every box we send to them, Teresa includes little “nothings” from garage
sales or the Dollar Store. In our city we have one on almost every corner;
in their place of ministry, such would be unknown. So rubber balls, jacks,
Frisbees, stickers, coloring books, toys, hot wheels, marbles, etc make
those children so far from the US and the comforts we take for granted look
with excitement at the box from our clinic.

We got this note today telling about opening the last box we sent and I’ll
paraphrase it . . .

The boys loved their mini-kites, and Sofia looked into the box to see what
was for her. Now, she loves little ponies. In fact she was generous when we
came back from our furlough in the US, and gave her two best friends each
one of her three little ponies.

She was happy to do it until she realized her pony was now alone, and no
longer had any other pony here at our house. Then she began to cry. I
assured her she did a good thing at the time, and that God was watching over
those little ponies.

Then we opened your package and there was a little pretty pony that you had
sent!

We could hardly believe our eyes and I assured her that God saw her
generosity and blessed her for it. And I wanted to thank you for being an
instrument of God in making our little girl’s day!

Sometimes a cup of cold water looks an awful lot like a little pretty pony.

 ~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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