10. Babes are always kissing you because they think you’ll turn into a
prince.
9. Flies in your soup are a bonus.
8. You’re above toads on the food chain.
7. Green goes with absolutely everything!
6. ‘Pond Scum’ is a term of endearment.
5. You can eat almost anything that bothers you.
4. Amphibians are at a minimum risk of appearing on Jerry Springer.
3. You can scratch hard to reach places with your tongue.
2. It sure beats being a newt.
1. You can donate your body to science for big bucks!
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
Monthly Archives: April 2010
04/29/10 Grif.Net – New Perfume
After years of using the same perfumes, my wife decided to try something
different and settled on a light, citrusy fragrance.
The next day she was surprised that is was her little grandson, not me, who
first noticed the change. As he put his arms around G’ma, he declared, “Wow,
Grandma, you smell just like Froot Loops!”
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
04/28/10 Grif.net – Best Animal Debate
Three animals were having an argument in the forest over who was the
greatest. The hawk said he was best because of his great vision and ability
to fly. The lion claimed superiority because of his speed and strength and
title King of the Jungle. The skunk insisted that his unique smell could
frighten any human or animal.
As they debated a large grizzly bear came along and swallowed them all:
hawk, lion and stinker.
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
04/27/10 Grif.Net – Job Interview
At the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young
Engineer fresh out of MIT, “And what starting salary were you looking for?”
The Engineer replied, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the
benefits package.”
The interviewer enquired, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks
vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching
retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years
say, a red Corvette?”
The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
And the interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
04/26/10 Grif.Net – Conductor’s Worst Fear
He was a mediocre conductor of a mediocre orchestra. He had been having
problems with the basses; they were the least professional of his musicians.
It was the last performance of the season, Beethoven’s 9th Symphony, which
required extra effort from the basses at the end. Earlier that evening, he
found the basses celebrating one of their birthdays by passing a bottle
around. As he was about to cue the basses, he knocked over his music stand.
The sheet music scattered.
As he stood in front of his orchestra, his worst fear was realized. It was
the bottom of the 9th, no score and the basses were loaded.
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
04/24/10 Weekend Grif.Net – Women Win at the Masters
[copied, source unknown]
It’s not often women win the Masters Golf Tournament, but they did Sunday.
Actually, Phil Mickelson won, but for millions of women around the country,
it must feel like a victory.
Mickelson, in case you forgot, is the guy who stayed true to his wife. He’s
the guy who’s been missing tournaments the last 11 months while he flies
her back and forth to a breast cancer specialist in Houston. He’s the guy
who didn’t need reminding that women are not disposable.
Also winning Sunday: karma, which proved to be alive and well. And guys who
never had a temper in the first place. And endings that make you wipe your
tears on the couch pillows.
Mickelson is the guy whose heavy head on the bed pillow lately wasn’t
self-inflicted. Both his wife, Amy, and his mother, Mary, have breast
cancer. Usually, those two are at every tournament he’s in, but for the
last year they’ve been fighting, resting, and fighting again at home. And
Mickelson has gone back to his rented homes alone.
So when Amy turned up on the 18th green Sunday at Augusta National for the
first time in 11 months and Mickelson practically fell into her outstretched
arms, you wanted to hug somebody yourself. Mickelson hugged and cried. And
his wife hugged and cried. And his coach and his caddy hugged and cried. And
10 minutes later, the caddy was still crying.
This is way beyond golf, this is about a guy who loves his wife and would
never cheat on her. This is about a guy who had a really hard year. Twenty
years from now, nothing will compare with this. This is his greatest win, by
far. Because of Amy, because of his mom, everything. God bless all those
women that go through what Amy and Phil’s mom have gone through. Because
I’ve seen it and it ain’t easy.
“Of all the majors I’ve been involved in,” said Mickelson’s coach, Butch
Harmon, “be they with Tiger, Phil, anybody, this is the most emotional by
far. This year has been a big, big strain on him. His game has suffered.
What he really wanted was to be home with his family.”
You figured a guy who came into this Masters having played only seven
tournaments this year — and never placing better than eighth in any of them
– would have a snowball’s chance. But something melted in him when his wife
and three kids showed up for the first time in nearly a year on Tuesday. “He
just had this peace to him that I haven’t seen in awhile,” said Bones.
Amy was still hurting, so she wasn’t able to come to the golf course, but it
was close enough. Each morning, Mickelson would take his oldest, Sophie, to
a local coffee shop and play chess for an hour. At night, the whole brood
would watch dumb movies. Mickelson came through that door each night after
work like it was Christmas morning. You don’t know how dispiriting it is to
come home after a long day to a strange, empty house. Come to think of it,
maybe Tiger knows.
“It’s been tough,” Mickelson said. “The meds that she’s been taking have
been very difficult and she didn’t feel well and she doesn’t have energy and
she’s not just up for a lot. But to have her here, man.”
Amy Mickelson attended a golf tournament for the first time since last
year’s Players Championship.
Amy Mickelson is the kind of walking rainbow that could put a smile on a
mortician’s face, so when she showed up, everything started looking up. The
golf gods started raining favors down on Mickelson’s curly hair. On
Saturday, golf balls started going into tiny little cups from great
distances. Sunday, it got even better:
At 9: ball hits tree, bounces back into fairway. Par.
At 10: ball hits tree, bounces back into playable territory. Par.
At 11: ball hits fan, bounces into short, happy grass. Par.
“Got an assist there,” Mickelson said.
Did the guy say anything? “Ouch?” Mickelson guessed. The big lefty took
it from there.
At 12: looked into his “book of reads” for the 20-foot putt — the
green-studying book that Bones and he spent “days and days” putting together
on a trip this year to Augusta — and buried it. Birdie.
At 13: pulled off the most audacious, swashbuckling shot of his life –
from the right woods, off pine straw, through two trees (4 feet apart), over
Rae’s Creek, from 207 yards, to 3 feet. Two-putt birdie.
At 15: smashed an 8-iron from 205 yards — yes, 8-iron to 15 feet for a
2-putt birdie.
Suddenly, the guy who’d spent a career being eaten alive by Woods had left
him 5 shots behind. It was only a matter of lag for par, lag for par,
10-foot birdie and get the Kleenex ready. “I saw Amy just before I putted,”
Mickelson said. “That was so great. I mean, I didn’t know if she would be
there. To walk off the green and share that with her is just very, very
emotional. We’ll remember this the rest of our lives.”
Contrast that with Woods, who spent the week reverting to form — acerbic
answers, sprayed swear words, and curt interviews. He finished fourth, which
shows that the golf game is very close. The personality makeover, though,
looks like it needs some work.
Soon enough, though, Woods will win tournaments like this, pass Nicklaus,
and order will be restored in the universe. But for this one Sunday in a
flower-stuffed pocket of Georgia, the good husband, the good son, the good
man actually got rewarded.
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
04/23/10 Grif.Net – Really Bad Pun Week, 5
The maharajah of an Indian Province issued a royal decree. He ordered that
no one was to kill any wild animals while he was the country’s leader. The
decree was honored until there were so many Bengal Tigers running loose that
the people revolted and threw the maharajah from power.
This is the first known instance of the reign being called on account of the
game
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
04/22/10 Grif.Net – Really Bad Pun Week, 4
A noted biologist, who had been studying little green frogs in a swamp, was
stumped. The frog population, despite efforts at predator control, was
declining at an alarming rate. A chemist at a nearby college came up with a
solution: The frogs, due to a chemical change in the swamp water, simply
couldn’t stay coupled long enough to reproduce successfully. The chemist
then brewed up a new adhesive to assist the frogs’ togetherness, which
included one part sodium.
It seems the little green frogs needed some monosodium glue to mate.
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
04/22/10 Grif.Net – Really Bad Pun Week, 4
A noted biologist, who had been studying little green frogs in a swamp, was
stumped. The frog population, despite efforts at predator control, was
declining at an alarming rate. A chemist at a nearby college came up with a
solution: The frogs, due to a chemical change in the swamp water, simply
couldn’t stay coupled long enough to reproduce successfully. The chemist
then brewed up a new adhesive to assist the frogs’ togetherness, which
included one part sodium.
It seems the little green frogs needed some monosodium glue to mate.
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
04/21/10 Grif.Net – Really Bad Pun Week, 3
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name
missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the
local civic official who apologized profusely saying, “I must have taken
Leif off my census.”
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
04/20/10 Grif.Net – Really Bad Pun Week, 2
An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man.
After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of
elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and
swallow one inch of the leather every day.
After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling.
The chief shrugged and said, “The thong is ended, but the malady lingers
on.”
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
04/19/10 Grif.Net – Really Bad Pun Week, 1
King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with
the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the
most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus,
the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, “I’ll give you 100,000
dinars for it.”
“But I paid a million dinars for it,” the King protested. “Don’t you know
who I
am? I am the king!”
Croesus replied, “When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you
are.”
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
04/17/10 Weekend Grif.Net – Isn’t It Strange?
Isn’t it strange . . . how a 20 dollar bill seems like such a large amount
when you donate it to church,
but such a small amount when you go shopping?
Isn’t it strange . . . how 2 hours seem so long when you’re at church,
but how short they seem when you’re watching a good movie?
Isn’t it strange . . . that you can’t find a word to say when you’re
praying,
but you have no trouble thinking what to talk about with a friend?
Isn’t it strange . . . how difficult and boring it is to read one chapter of
the Bible,
but how easy it is to read 100 pages of a popular novel?
Isn’t it strange . . . how everyone wants front-row-tickets to concerts or
games,
but they do whatever is possible to sit at the last row in Church?
Isn’t it strange . . . how we need to know about an event for Church 2-3
weeks before the day so we can include it in our agenda,
but we can adjust it for other events at the last minute?
Isn’t it strange . . . how difficult it is to learn a fact about God or to
share it with others;
but how easy it is to learn, understand, extend and repeat gossip?
Isn’t it strange . . . how we believe everything that magazines and
newspapers say,
but we question the words in the Bible?
Isn’t it strange . . . how everyone wants a place in heaven,
but they don’t want to believe, do, or say anything to get there?
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”