A husband asked his wife, ‘You never argue when I get mad at you. How do you
always control your anger?’
‘I clean the toilet,’ she replied.
‘How does that help?’ he asked.
‘I use your toothbrush.’
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
Working people frequently ask us newly-retired people what we do to make
their days interesting. A friend shared this example:
“Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into
a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a
cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, ‘Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen
a break?’
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi
fascist. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn
tires.
So my wife called him a pig-headed jerk. He finished the second ticket and
put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third
ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes as we questioned his parentage and
where we thought he should go next. The more we abused him, the more tickets
he wrote.
Personally, we didn’t care.
We came into town by bus and that car had a Pelosi bumper sticker. We try to
have a little fun each day now that we’re retired. It’s important at our
age.”
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
[Tomorrow is my 62nd birthday, and I start collecting Social Security. Thank
you to all who are working hard to support me, since FDR and Congress lied
and never did put any of MY money into an "untouchable" fund so it would be
here at retirement with interest and no burden on society. Instead of
cussing out the good ol' boys, read this and laugh a bit.]
‘Someone asked the other day, ‘What was your favorite fast food when you
were growing up?’
‘We didn’t have fast food when I was growing up,’ I informed him. ‘All the
food was slow.’
‘C’mon, seriously. Where did you eat?’
‘It was a place called ‘at home,” I explained. ‘Mom cooked every day and
when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table,
and if I didn’t like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there
until I did like it.’
By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to
suffer serious internal damage, so I didn’t tell him the part about how I
had to have permission to leave the table.
But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I
figured his system could have handled it:
Some parents NEVER owned their own house, NEVER wore Levis, NEVER set foot
on a golf course, NEVER traveled out of the country and NEVER had a credit
card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge
card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears &
Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.
My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we
never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds,
and only had one speed, (slow). We didn’t have a television in our house
until I was 14. It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off
the air at midnight, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God;
it came back on the air at about 6 a.m. And there was usually a locally
produced news and farm show on, featuring local people.
I was 16 before I tasted my first pizza; it was called ‘pizza pie’. When I
bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung
down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It’s still the
best pizza I ever had.
I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the
living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to
listen and make sure some people you didn’t know weren’t already using the
line. Our number in 1952 (had to memorize it for kindergarten) was Hi (for
highland) 2324
Pizzas were not delivered to our home but milk was. All newspapers were
delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers –my brother delivered a
newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which he got to keep
2 cents. He had to get up at 6AM every morning. On Saturday, he had to
collect the 42 cents from his customers. His favorite customers were the
ones who gave him 50 cents and told him to keep the change. His least
favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection
day.
Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies.
There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for
everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything
offensive.
If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to
share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don’t
blame me if they bust a gut laughing.
Here are some memories of growing up in the post WWII Baby Boom. How many
of these bring back some good memories for you?
Royal Crown Cola bottle with a stopper with a bunch of holes in it
Head lights dimmer switches on the floor; ignition switches on the dashboard
Real ice boxes
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.
Blackjack chewing gum
Wax Coke-shaped tiny bottles with colored sugar water
Candy cigarettes
Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
Party lines on the telephone
Newsreels before the movie
P.F. Flyers
Butch wax
TV/Radio dial that actually was a dial
Rotary phones
Peashooters
Howdy Doody
45 RPM records
S& H Greenstamps
Hi-fi’s
Metal ice trays with lever
Mimeograph paper (I can still smell it . . . )
Blue flashbulb
Packard’s
Roller skate keys
Cork popguns
Drive-in movies
Wash tub wringers
I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best parts of
my life.
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift. The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift.
When his mother-in-law asked him why, he replied, “Well, you still haven’t
used the gift I bought you last year!”
And then the fight started…
~~
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and
slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just
get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn’t
believe it…. he was a DWARF!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ‘I AM NOT HAPPY!’
So, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’
And then the fight started…
~~
My wife was looking at herself in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy
with what she saw and said, “‘Honey, I feel horrible. I look old, fat and
ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.”
So I quickly replied, “I think your eyesight is perfect.”
And then the fight started.
~~
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was changing channels. She
asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
I said, ‘Dust.’
And then the fight started…
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
Did I tell you about our new recovery group for compulsive talkers?
It’s called “On And On Anon”.
It’s the one Twelve-Step meeting where you are asked to please NOT “share”
your life story.
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
Pig farmers have never done well in the United States. Most Americans prefer
beef to pork. Hamburger is an American favorite but contains no ham. The
porcine raisers were hopeful to see a significant increase in their business
after the scares about health over beef, but most of the benefits had gone
to the poultry and fish industries. Sale of ham and bacon remained virtually
unchanged.
Because of this, the National Porcine Association hired a major Madison
Avenue advertising firm to boost sale of pork products. They decided on an
intensive campaign to saturate magazines television and radio with ads
urging people to eat pork patties.
The campaign was given an extra boost when Congress was convinced to
designate the second of February as the day when every family would be urged
to eat pork sausage. That day would be celebrated nationally, of course, as
Ground Hog Day.
Now you know the “rest of the story”
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
There is evidence that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers, but
unfortunately all the league records were destroyed in a fire.
Thus we’ll sadly never know for whom the Tells bowled.
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
HardPreacher in Virginia found out I was turning 62 this week and starting
on Social Security. So He wrote his experience with the government . . .
“I went down this morning to sign up my dog for welfare. At first the lady
said, ‘Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare.’
So I explained to her that my dog is unemployed, lazy, can’t speak English
and has no clue who his daddy is. So she looked in her policy book to see
what it takes to qualify.
My dog gets his first check Friday. Is this a great country or what?”
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
HardPreacher in Virginia found out I was turning 62 this week and starting
on Social Security. So He wrote his experience with the government . . .
“I went down this morning to sign up my dog for welfare. At first the lady
said, ‘Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare.’
So I explained to her that my dog is unemployed, lazy, can’t speak English
and has no clue who his daddy is. So she looked in her policy book to see
what it takes to qualify.
My dog gets his first check Friday. Is this a great country or what?”
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
When in the hot tub working on my legs/feet for therapy, I sing. Sometimes I
have ear buds in and must sound odd to any overhearing my singing harmony or
bass. But in the cool (40F) still night air yesterday I just sang hymn after
hymn until tears came.
I was thinking of challenges to my life today . . . and realize that I have
the strength in the Lord to endure some pretty major events TODAY because of
what happened in March 1973. This month I hit social security, glad to be
alive almost 7 years after being given months to live. My children are all
in full-time ministry, my 10 grandchildren healthy. My wife’s health is
tenuous, but there is hope.
Some Grif.Net readers may not know much about me. I had finished seminary
and entered the full-time pastorate in Dec 1970 as an associate in a large
suburban church. Then two years later called to pastor a small rural
congregation in the middle of Wisconsin and made the move. For a few months,
all was a “honeymoon”. Then came March, 1973.
March 1, 1973 – Funeral for a baby. A farmer gave birth to a baby with
terminal defects. My wife was 9+ months pregnant with our first, so to say
it was “trying” for us was an understatement. I visited in the hospital,
then in the home, then over the casket of a tiny one – my first funeral in
that church.
March 3, 1973 – My wife gave birth to our son, who was healthy, but my wife
was so anemic and weak that doctors had great concern. Her parents quickly
came from Wyoming to help nurse her to health and help with the baby as
Teresa was bedridden and very weak.
March 6, 1973 – I stood for ordination. After 6 hours of questioning and
demonstrating competence for the ministry those ordained men of the council
laid hands on me. My wife was allowed out of the hospital to stand by me,
but paid dearly for it in her fragile condition.
March 14, 1973 – I turned 25 with my whole life planned out (in my mind).
Move over Billy Graham . . . But God had twists and turns I’d never have
dreamed of.
March 21, 1973 – My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer (she had surgery
later, but refused chemo/radiation and lived until 1984 when it metastasized
to her brain)
God saw me thru some trying times those three weeks in March, preparing me
for greater challenges ahead. And the song I was singing last night in the
dark, with words washing over my soul?
Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.
I choked up on the last few lines of that verse, but peace flooded my heart
because I had a renewed confidence of God’s sovereign, loving care. God is
still in control. Even the wind and waves know that; why don’t I? Though He
slay me, still will I trust Him.
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
I was enjoying surfing the net at “breakfast.com” when the computer froze
up. I guess the cereal port was not responding
Of course part of my computer is shot. It was a graphic display.
So I went shopping and asked if I bought a computer today would it still be
good in five years. The sales clerk say, “Obsoletely.”
But it must be tough to work in the computer industry when the chips are
down.
At least the store’s promotion was valid – they said they were giving out
dead computer batteries free of charge.
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
[And people wonder why I don't have much money in my IRA. Look at what my
broker told me about buying stocks.]
Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
No quiz, but since you are sitting at a keyboard, here are some fun English
facts that you can try out for yourself (and impress your friends by asking
them for the answers!)
“Stewardesses” is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
“Lollipop” is the longest word typed with your right hand.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or
purple.
“Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters ‘mt’.
The sentence: ‘The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog’ uses every
letter of the alphabet.
The most common word with three double letters in a row is “bookkeeper”.
There are only four words in the English language which end in ‘dous’:
tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in
order: abstemious’ and facetious.
“Typewriter” is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on
one row of the keyboard.
The average person’s left hand, NOT their right hand, does 56% of the
typing.
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
