In the spirit of Chinese New Year, I feel I should share some words of
wisdom from a great Chinese sage.
Confucius says: “A lion will not betray his mate. But a Tiger wood.”
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
JACK (age 3) was watching his mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After
a while he asked: ‘Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold
milk?’
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so
old she didn’t remember any more. Melanie said, ‘If you don’t remember you
should look in the back of your panties… Mine say five to six..’
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his mom good night. ‘I love you so much
that when you die I’m going to bury you outside my bedroom window..’
BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain
to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her mom explained it
was a child-proof cap and she’d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with
wonder, the little girl asked: ‘How does it know it’s me?’
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. ‘Please don’t
give me this juice again,’ she said, ‘It makes my teeth cough.’
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: ‘How much do I cost?’
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried when his mom asked what
was troubling him. He replied, ‘I don’t know what’ll happen with this bed
when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?’
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing
in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: ‘Why is
he whispering in her mouth?’
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled
woman her mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, ‘Why
doesn’t your skin fit your face?’
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: ‘The man named
Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked
back and was turned to salt.’ Concerned, James asked: ‘What happened to the
flea?’
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the
floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how “I” spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we
didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘ I. ‘
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie…… Always say, ‘I am.’
MILLIE: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’
________________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your
brother’s. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
[Excerpts from a sermon of a pastor in Virginia]
Genesis 47:13-27 (summarized; go read the story of Israel in Egypt)
Note that economic hard times fell upon Egypt, and the people turned to the
government of Pharaoh to deal with this for them. And Pharaoh nationalized
the grain harvest, and placed the grain in great storehouses that he had
built. So the people brought their money to Pharaoh, like a great tax
increase, and gave it all to him willingly in return for grain. And this
went on until their money ran out, and they were hungry again.
So when they went to Pharaoh after that, they brought their livestock -their
cattle, their horses, their sheep, and their donkey – to barter for grain,
and that only took them through the end of that year.
But the famine wasn’t over, was it? So the next year, the people came before
Pharaoh and admitted they had nothing left, except their land and their own
lives. “There is nothing left in the sight of my lord but our bodies and our
land. Why should we die before your eyes, both we and our land? Buy us and
our land for food, and we with our land will be servants to Pharaoh.” So
they surrendered their homes, their land, and their real estate to Pharaoh’s
government, and then sold themselves into slavery to him, in return for
grain.
What can we learn from this? That turning to the Government instead of to
God to be our provider in hard times only leads to slavery! The only reason
government wants to be our provider is to also become our master!
Yes. But look how that passage ends. “Thus Israel settled in the land of
Egypt, in the land of Goshen. And they gained possessions in it, and were
fruitful and multiplied greatly.” GOD PROVIDED FOR HIS PEOPLE, JUST AS HE
ALWAYS HAS! They didn’t end up giving all their possessions to government,
no, it says they gained possessions!
But I also tell you a great truth today, and an ominous one. We see the same
thing happening today – the government today wants to “share the wealth”
once again, to take it from us and redistribute it back to us. It wants to
take control of health care, just as it has taken control of education, and
ration it back to us, and when government rations it, then government
decides who gets it, and how much, and what kind. And if we go along with
it, and do it willingly, then we will wind up no differently than the people
of Egypt did four thousand years ago – as slaves to the government, and as
slaves to our leaders.
What Mr. Obama’s government is doing now is no different from what Pharaoh’s
government did then, and it will end the same. And a lot of people like to
call Mr. Obama a “Messiah,” don’t they? Is he a Messiah? A savior? Didn’t
the Egyptians say, after Pharaoh made them his slaves, “You have saved our
lives; may it please my lord, we will be servants to Pharaoh”?
Well, I tell you this – I know the Messiah; the Messiah is a friend of mine;
and Mr. Obama is no Messiah! No, brothers and sisters, if Mr. Obama is a
character from the Bible, then he is Pharaoh.
Lord, You alone are worthy to be served, and we rely on You, and You alone.
We confess that the government is not our deliverer, and never rightly will
be. We read in the eighth chapter of 1 Samuel, when Samuel warned the
people of what a ruler would do, where it says “And in that day you will cry
out because of your king, whom you have chosen for yourselves, but the LORD
will not answer you in that day.” And Lord, we acknowledge that day has
come. We cry out to you because of the ruler that we have chosen for
ourselves as a nation. Lord, we pray for this nation. We pray for revival,
and we pray for deliverance from those who would be our masters.
Give us hearts to seek You and hands to serve You, and protect Your people
from the atrocities of Pharaoh’s government.
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
Here are some characteristics of Computer “Geeks” or “Nerds”. See if you can
find yourself in any.
* Choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or to spend the money to
upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.
* Everyone else on the Alaskan Cruise is on deck gazing at the scenery and
you are still on a personal tour of the bridge.
* In college, you thought ‘Spring Break’ was metal fatigue failure.
* The salespeople at the local computer store can’t answer any of your
questions.
* You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.
* You bought your wife a new CD ROM drive for her birthday.
* You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
* You can type 70 words per minute but can’t read your own handwriting.
* You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see
how they do the special effects.
* You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
* You know what http:// stands for.
* You still own a slide rule and you know how to use it.
* You window shop at Radio Shack.
* You spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
[I'm worried that my Windows Program is trying to take over my life. Here
are some recent messages I've received]
* Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
* CONGRESS.SYS corrupted… Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
* Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
* Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
* Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
* Press any key except… no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
* Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
* Close your eyes and press escape three times.
* Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
* Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)
* COFFEE.SYS missing… Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
* Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
* User Error: Replace user.
* Windows VirusScan 1.0 – “Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)”
* Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been
deleted. The police are on the way.
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
My name is Spam.
Spam I Am.
I have some stuff I’d like to sell.
Take a look! It’s really swell!
I do not want your worthless spam.
I do not want it, Spam I Am.
[Spam I Am says]
$500 software that really rocks!
Just 20 bucks–still in the box!
You are really full of bunk.
I do not want your bootleg junk!
I do not want your worthless Spam.
I do not want it, Spam I Am.
[Spam I Am says]
How about some fast cash?
Fifty Thousand in a flash!!!
How stupid do you think I am?
I won’t join your shady scam.
You are a sucker, you silly phony.
If it worked, we’d all have money!
I do not want your worthless spam.
I do not want it, Spam I Am.
[Spam I Am says
Check out this great idea of mine!
For Web Hosting and Design!
I went to your site; it’s out of luck!
For this you’re charging lots of bucks?
Spell-check really is your friend,
Stop the same errors that your send.
I do not want your worthless spam.
I do not want it, Spam I Am.
Don’t pretend your ads are new.
You insult us when you do.
I won’t buy your worthless stocks.
Our heads are not full of rocks
Stop it Spam. Enough’s enough.
I do not want your trashy stuff!
I do not want your sickening spam!
I do not want it, Spam I Am!
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to
happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it’s
definitely obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual
where you’d least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human, to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more
human.
7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.
8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
9. A complex system that doesn’t work is invariably found to have evolved
from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely
what you want it to do.
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
[Pastor Jim in Kentucky shares this serious reminder]
“There’s a man goin’ ’round takin’ names. An’ he decides who to free and who
to blame. Everybody won’t be treated all the same. There’ll be a golden
ladder reaching down, when the man comes around. “—Johnny Cash
“Jesus would never judge anyone!” = 95% of Americans [Gallup Poll]
Every now and then I enjoy watching a program called Mythbusters on the
Discovery Channel. The show involves a team of ‘experts’ tackling various
‘myths’ or ‘urban legends’ through scientific study—usually by blowing
something up. As theologians we sometimes have to be involved in
mythbusting. One I’d like to blow up today is the good old myth that to be
like Jesus means being nonjudgmental. We all know that, right? If someone
judges something to be sin, if we question another believer, we are being
judgmental and hence, by definition, not at all like Jesus. Because we all
know that Jesus wouldn’t judge anyone.
In point of fact, Jesus will judge EVERYONE. Not a single person will be
exempt from the burning eye of the Lord Jesus. Wow! How did we miss that
one? We’re not off by one or two, but by billions.
Jesus told his disciples in John 5:22, “For the Father judges no one, but
has committed all judgment to the Son.”
In Matthew 25 Jesus speaks of Himself as sitting on His throne of Judgment
gathering all the nations before Him. He speaks of passing eternal
damnation on some and rewarding others with eternal life. When Peter
preached to Cornelius in Acts 10 he said that Jesus was “ordained by God to
be Judge of the living and the dead.”
How did we miss that?
The thought of Jesus as the all seeing Judge was popular preaching in a past
generation. It is particularly offensive and politically incorrect to make
such a reference to Jesus today. But this Jesus is the Jesus that sinners
will face. They need to be confronted by their accountability to Him. It
is only as we preach and uphold this Jesus, the real Jesus, that sinners
will see their need of Him. Bless God, for myriads upon myriads from every
tongue, tribe, people, and nation, Jesus will say, Not guilty!
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
Phoebe sent me this story:
One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2
years old. Someone had given me a little ‘tea set’ as a gift, and it was one
of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room reading the evening news
when I brought Daddy a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came
home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of
tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing!’ My Mom waited, and sure enough,
here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him
drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a mother would know), “Did it ever occur to you that
the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?”
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
Dr Chan faced a mystery. Some of his most valuable artifacts of jade and
teak were taken in an apparent robbery.
Police found footprints that looked like a young lad, but something was not
right. So they set a hidden surveillance camera at other antique shops.
They were surprised to see that the robber was actually a BEAR. And to
disguise his prints, he had crafted wooden “feet” in the shape of a human!
They arrested the culprit at his den, where they found the missing loot.
The first words of Detective James Greenleaf Whittier were:
“Blessings on thee, little man,
Boyfoot bear, with teak of Chan!”
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
This St. Patrick’s Day you’re likely to take part in that time honored
tradition of wearing green. If not, you risk punishment-by-pinch, an
especially popular custom on schoolyards and around office water coolers.
Thus, wearing green on St. Patrick’s Day is not only widely practiced, it’s
virtually required. It’s hard to imagine the holiday without green.
But I’ve always enjoyed the fun by wearing orange. Protestant Irish have
been known as “orange” ever since 1690 when William of Orange (William III),
the King of England, Scotland, and Ireland, defeated King James II, a Roman
Catholic, in the Battle of the Boyne near Dublin. William’s victory would
ensure Protestant military dominance on the island and has been a source of
tension ever since.
And what of Patrick? Patrick himself would have been surprised by all of the
fuss. Patrick wasn’t even Irish; he came to Celtic Ireland as a British
missionary. But more importantly, Patrick did most of his work in the 5th
century at a time when Christians were simply Christians, long before any
divisions. He was converting pagans to Christianity, not Catholicism.
Therefore St. Patrick belongs to the whole church, not just Rome (where he’s
not even an officially canonized saint), and people of all colors and creeds
should take part in the festivities. So before the green-wearing Irish among
you get into a pinching craze, think twice. Some of us wear orange for a
reason, and we’ll pinch you back!
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”
