02/17/10 Grif.Net – February Pun o’the Month

A couple with a mutual craving for something sweet drove to the nearest
Baskin-Robbins. Having purchased ice cream cones, they returned to their
car to be comfortable. As they settled back to enjoy themselves, two crows
landed on the front hood and began to squawk and flutter, and to peck at the
windshield. The man finally figured out what they wanted.

He opened the window and put his cone on the hood. The birds immediately
settled down as they began eating it.

“You’re wonderful!” said the girl, “How did you ever think of it?”

“Nothing to it. It was just a case of … stilling two birds with one
cone.”

[bad pun of the month thanks to Bruce]
 ~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

02/16/10 Grif.Net – Diagnosis

A woman went to the emergency room where she was seen by a young new doctor.
After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was
pregnant. She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. After listening
to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room. Then the
doctor marched down the hallway to the young doctor’s office.

“What is wrong with you?” he demanded. “This woman is 68 years old, she has
two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was
pregnant?”

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up
said, “Does she still have the hiccups?”

 ~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

02/15/10 Grif.Net – Scuba Divers

Two Minnesotans are sitting in a boat. So Ole asks Sven, “Why do scuba
divers always fall backwards off ‘der boats?”

To which Sven replies, “Well, you know, if they fell forwards they’d still
be in ‘da boat!”

There ya have it…

[Tanks to Bill in Minnesota who is NOT Scandinavian]

~~
ANSWERS TO OUR “CELEBRITY SELLS” QUIZ
Example: Beauty Mist Panty Hose = Joe Namath (NY Jets Quarterback)

NOT SO DIFFICULT
1. His own brand of Gatorade = Tiger Woods
2. Oven is in a Hollow Tree = Keebler Elves
3. Chrysler’s rich Corinthian leather seats = Ricardo Montalbon
4. Pillsbury’s giggling cutie = Pillsbury Doughboy
5. Pepsi’s rock star = Michael Jackson
6. Nothing gets between her and her Calvin Klein = Brooke Shields
7. Niblets Corn = Jolly Green Giant

HARDER THAN YOU THINK
8. Grape Nuts “many parts of a pine tree are edible” authority = Euell
Gibbons
9. 9 Lives = Morris the Cat
10. First Ronald McDonald = Willard Scott
11. StarKist Tuna = Charlie
12. War of the World radio broadcast = Orson Welles
13. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter hunk = Fabio Lanzoni
14. Racing thru airports for Hertz = O J Simpson

REALLY RACK THE BRAIN
15. Chapstick’s Olympian = Suzy Chaffee
16. Mr Coffee = Joe DiMaggio
17. 1-800-COLLECT = Mr T
18. McDonald’s basketball playing superstars = Larry Bird/Michael Jordan
19. Commodore Vic-20 Computer = William Shatner
20. Jell-O Pudding Pops = Bill Cosby
21. Comet Cleanser = Josephine (Jane Withers)

~~ 
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

02/13/10 Weekend Grif.Net – Five Years

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family. His wife watches TV
all day and his three teenage kids have dropped out of high school to hang
around with the local gang. He applies for a janitor’s job at a large firm
and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, “You will be hired at minimum wage of
$7.25 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the
loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you
when to start and where to report on your first day.”

Taken aback, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor
an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, “You must understand that to
a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an
e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm.
Good day.”

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his
wallet, he walks past a farmers’ market and sees a stand selling 25lb crates
of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and
displays the tomatoes.

In less than two hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit.
Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost
$100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his
family.

During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By
the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the
night. He multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the second week he
acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before
a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.

At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their
neighbor-hood gangs to help him with the tomato business; his wife is buying
the tomatoes; his daughter is taking night courses at the community college
so she can keep books for him.

By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and
employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He
continues to work hard.

Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks
and a warehouse which his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the
boys manage. The tomato company’s payroll has put hundreds of homeless and
jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed a
million dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting
with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new
circumstances. Then the adviser asks for his e-mail address in order to send
the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he doesn’t have time to mess with a computer and
has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned. “What, you don’t have
e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if
you’d had all of that five years ago!”

“Ha!” snorts the man. “If I’d had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping
floors at Microsoft and making $7.25 an hour.”

 ~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

02/12/10 Grif.Net – Valentine Trivia

[GrammaK forwarded this. No vouching for accuracy but have fun wowing
everyone with your knowledge of VALENTINE'S DAY TRIVIA]

~ 73% of people who buy flowers for Valentine’s Day are men, while only 27%
are women. 15% of U.S. women send themselves flowers on Valentine’s Day.

~ About 1 billion Valentine’s Day cards are exchanged each year. That’s the
largest seasonal card-sending occasion of the year, next to Christmas.

~ About 3% of pet owners will give Valentine’s Day gifts to their pets.

~ California produces 60 percent of American roses, but the vast number sold
on Valentine’s Day in the United States are imported, mostly from South
America. Approximately 110 million roses, the majority (red), will be sold
and delivered within a three-day time period.

~ February 14, 270 A.D. : Roman Emperor Claudius II, dubbed “Claudius the
Cruel,” beheaded a priest named Valentine for performing marriage
ceremonies. Claudius II had outlawed marriages when Roman men began refusing
to go to war in order to stay with their wives.

~ Hallmark has over 1330 different cards specifically for Valentine’s Day.

~ In the Middle Ages, young men and women drew names from a bowl to see who
their valentines would be. They would wear these names on their sleeves for
one week. To wear your heart on your sleeve now means that it is easy for
other people to know how you are feeling.

~ In the United States, 64 percent of men do not make plans in advance for a
romantic Valentine’s Day with their sweethearts. Of course this year you
can sit with her in Church and truly make her heart joyful.

~ Some people used to believe that if a woman saw a robin flying overhead on
Valentine’s Day, it meant she would marry a sailor. If she saw a sparrow,
she would marry a poor man and be very happy. If she saw a goldfinch, she
would marry a millionaire.

~ Teachers will receive the most Valentine’s Day cards, followed by
children, mothers, wives, and then, sweethearts. Children ages 6 to 10
exchange more than 650 million Valentine’s cards with teachers, classmates,
and family members.

~ In the 17th century a hopeful maiden ate a hard-boiled egg and pinned five
bay leaves to her pillow before going to sleep on Valentine’s eve. It was
believed this would make her dream of her future husband.

~ The Empire State Building in New York City played a prominent role in the
movie “Sleepless in Seattle.” Each year an average of 15 couples make (or
renew) their vows on the 80th floor of this famous landmark.

~ The Italian city of Verona, where Shakespeare’s lovers Romeo and Juliet
lived, receives about 1,000 letters addressed to Juliet every Valentine’s
Day.

~ The red rose was the favorite flower of Venus, the Roman goddess of love.
Red stands for strong feelings which is why a red rose is a flower of love.

~ Valentine’s Day is big business. Consumers will spend an average of $77.43
on Valentine’s Day gifts this year. E-commerce retailers expect to rack up
about $650 million in sales of food, candy, flowers, and other Valentine’s
Day gifts. Of that amount about $350 million will be for gifts and flowers
and another $45 million will be spent on food (including chocolate) and
wine.

~ Chocolate manufacturers currently use 40% of the world’s almonds and 20%
of the world’s peanuts.

~~ 
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

02/11/10 Grif.Net – Terrorists Groups in Church

[Rebecca forwarded this tongue-in-cheek warning]

Latest news reports are that five terrorist cell groups have been operating
in many of our churches. They have been identified as: Bin Sleepin, Bin
Arguin, Bin Fightin, Bin Complainin, and Bin Missin.

Their leader, Lucifer Bin Workin, trained these groups to destroy the Body
of Christ. The plan is to come into the church disguised as Christians and
to work within the church to discourage, disrupt, and destroy.

However, there have been reports of a sixth group. A tiny cell known by the
name Bin Prayin is actually the only effective counter terrorism force in
the church. Unlike other terrorist cells, the Bin Prayin team does not blend
in with whoever and whatever comes along.

Bin Prayin does whatever is needed to uplift and encourage the Body of
Christ. We have noticed that the Bin Prayin cell group has different
characteristics than the others. The group includes Bin Watchin, Bin Waitin,
Bin Fastin, and Bin Longin for their Master, Jesus Christ to return.

NO CHURCH IS EXEMPT!

(However, you can spot them if you bin lookin and bin goin.)

~~ 
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

02/10/10 Grif.Net – Advice

TOP 10 WORDS OF ADVICE

10. Never test the depth of the water with both feet

9. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie

8. Don’t bite the hand that looks dirty.

7. Consistency isn’t always good, especially if you’re consistently wrong

6. A penny saved is… not much.

5. To make a long story short, don’t tell it.

4. If your dog is fat, you aren’t getting much exercise.

3. In this economy, the quickest way to double your money is to fold it over
and put it back inside your pocket.

2. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much if you mouth is moving.

1. On the other hand, you have different fingers…

 ~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

02/09/10 Grif.Net – Celebrity Sells

Celebrity Sells – I will list a product, company or even a phrase, and your
job is to give a famous personality (or cartoon character) best associated
with pitching the product

Example: Beauty Mist Panty Hose = Joe Namath (NY Jets Quarterback)

NOT SO DIFFICULT
1. His own brand of Gatorade =

2. Oven is in a Hollow Tree =

3. Chrysler’s rich Corinthian leather seats =

4. Pillsbury’s giggling cutie =

5. Pepsi’s rock star =

6. Nothing gets between her and her Calvin Klein =

7. Niblets Corn =

HARDER THAN YOU THINK
8. Grape Nuts “many parts of a pine tree are edible” authority =

9. 9 Lives =

10. First Ronald McDonald =

11. Star-Kist Tuna =

12. War of the World radio broadcast =

13. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter hunk =

14. Racing thru airports for Hertz =

REALLY RACK THE BRAIN
15. Chapstick’s Olympian =

16. Mr Coffee =

17. 1-800-COLLECT =

18. McDonald’s basketball playing superstars (old guys?) =

19. Commodore Vic-21 Computer =

20. Jell-O Pudding Pops =

21. Comet Cleanser =

~~ 
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

02/08/10 Grif.Net – Valentines

I walked into the post office one day and saw a middle-aged, balding man
standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink
envelopes with hearts all over them. He then took out a perfume bottle and
starts spraying scent all over them.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I went up to the balding man and asked
him what he was doing.

The man said, “I’m sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess
who?’”

“But why?” I asked.

The man replied, “I’m a divorce lawyer.”

~~ 
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

02/06/10 Weekend Grif.Net – What to Do in an Earthquake

[While there is some controversy over the author and all the advice he
teaches about earthquakes, the basic information here might save a life.
After the recent Haiti incident, I thought it worthwhile to share.]

“My name is Doug Copp. I am the Rescue Chief and Disaster Manager of the
American Rescue Team International (ARTI), the world’s most experienced
rescue team. The information in this article will save lives in an
earthquake.

I have crawled inside 875 collapsed buildings, worked with rescue teams
from 60 countries, founded rescue teams in several countries, and I am a
member of many rescue teams from many countries. I was the United Nations
expert in Disaster Mitigation for two years. I have worked at every major
disaster in the world since 1985, except for simultaneous disasters.

The first building I ever crawled inside of was a school in Mexico City
during the 1985 earthquake. Every child was under its desk. Every child was
crushed to the thickness of their bones. They could have survived by lying
down next to their desks in the aisles. It was obscene, unnecessary and I
wondered why the children were not in the aisles I didn’t at the time know
that the children were told to hide under something. I am amazed that even
today schools are still using the “Duck and Cover” instructions- telling the
children to squat under their desks with their heads bowed and covered with
their hands. This was the technique used in the Mexico City school.

Simply stated, when buildings collapse, the weight of the ceilings falling
upon the objects or furniture inside crushes these objects, leaving a space
or void next to them. This space is what I call the ‘triangle of life’. The
larger the object, the stronger, the less it t will compact. The less the
object compacts, the larger the void, the greater the probability that the
person who is using this void for safety will not be injured. The next time
you watch collapsed buildings, on television, count the ‘triangles’ you see
formed. They are everywhere. It is the most common shape, you will see, in a
collapsed building.

TIPS FOR EARTHQUAKE SAFETY

1) Almost everyone who simply ‘ducks and covers’ when buildings collapse
ARE CRUSHED TO DEATH. People who get under objects, like desks or cars, are
crushed.

2) Cats, dogs and babies often naturally curl up in the fetal position. You
should too in an earthquake. It is a natural safety/survival instinct. That
position helps you survive in a smaller void. Get next to an object, next to
a sofa, next to a large bulky object that will compress slightly but leave a
void next to it.

3) Wooden buildings are the safest type of construction to be in during an
earthquake. Wood is flexible and moves with the force of the earthquake. If
the wooden building does collapse, large survival voids are created. Also,
the wooden building has less concentrated, crushing weight. Brick buildings
will break into individual bricks. Bricks will cause many injuries but less
squashed bodies than concrete slabs. Concrete slab buildings are the most
dangerous during an earthquake.

4) If you are in bed during the night and an earthquake occurs, simply roll
off the bed. A safe void will exist around the bed. Hotels can achieve a
much greater survival rate in earthquakes, simply by posting a sign on the
back of the door of every room telling occupants to lie down on the floor,
next to the bottom of the bed during an earthquake.

5) If an earthquake happens and you cannot easily escape by getting out the
door or window, then lie down and curl up in the fetal position next to a
sofa, or large chair.

6) Stay out of doorways, almost everyone who gets under a doorway when
buildings collapse is killed. How? If you stand under a doorway and the
doorjamb falls forward or backward you will be crushed by the ceiling above.
If the door jam falls sideways you will be cut in half by the doorway. In
either case, you will be killed!

7) Never go to the stairs. The stairs have a different ‘movement of
frequency’ (they swing separately from the main part of the building). The
stairs and remainder of the building continuously bump into each other until
structural failure of the stairs takes place. The people who get on stairs
before they fail are chopped up by the stair treads and horribly mutilated.
Even if the building doesn’t collapse, stay away from the stairs. The stairs
are a likely part of the building to be damaged. Even if the stairs are not
collapsed by the earthquake, they may collapse later when overloaded by
fleeing people. They should always be checked for safety, even when the rest
of the building is not damaged.

8) Get Near the Outer Walls Of Buildings Or Outside Of Them If Possible -
It is much better to be near the outside of the building rather than the
interior. The farther inside you are from the outside perimeter of the
building the greater the probability that your escape route will be blocked.

9) People inside of their vehicles are crushed when the road above falls in
an earthquake and crushes their vehicles; which is exactly what happened
with the slabs between the decks of the Nimitz Freeway. The victims of the
San Francisco earthquake all stayed inside of their vehicles. They were all
killed. They could have easily survived by getting out and lying in the
fetal position next to their vehicles. Everyone killed would have survived
if they had been able to get out of their cars and sit or lie next to them.
All the crushed cars had voids 3 feet high next to them, except for the cars
that had columns fall directly across them.

10) I discovered, while crawling inside of collapsed newspaper offices and
other offices with a lot of paper, that paper does not compact. Large voids
are found surrounding stacks of paper.

In 1996 we made a film, which proved my survival methodology to be correct.
The Turkish Federal Government, City of Istanbul , University of Istanbul
Case Productions and ARTI cooperated to film this practical, scientific
test. We collapsed a school and a home with 20 mannequins inside. Ten
mannequins did ‘duck and cover,’ and ten mannequins I used in my ‘triangle
of life’ survival method. After the simulated earthquake collapse we crawled
through the rubble and entered the building to film and document the
results.

The film, in which I practiced my survival techniques under directly
observable, scientific conditions, relevant to building collapse, showed
there would have been zero percent survival for those doing duck and cover.
There would likely have been 100 percent survivability for people using my
method of the ‘triangle of life.’

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

02/05/10 Grif.Net – Just before the Big Game

A Saints fan was driving down by the bayou when he spotted a Colts fan
walking along the road wearing a blue Manning jersey. In Louisiana, can you
imagine? For fun, he swerved near him, veering away just in time.

Though he was certain he had missed the guy, he heard a loud THUD.

The Saints fan glanced in his mirrors but didn’t see anything. “What was
that?” he asked friend in the back seat. “I thought I missed that Colts
fan.”

“You did,” replied his friend, “But I got him with the door.”

 ~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

02/04/10 Grif.Net – Die-Hard Fan

An Indianapolis fan was enjoying himself at the game at the 2010 Super Bowl
until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the guy
next to it if he knew whose seat it was.

The guy said, “Yes, that’s my wife’s seat. We never missed a Colt’s game
since they moved from Baltimore. But now my wife is dead.”

The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really too bad that he couldn’t
find some relative to give the ticket to and enjoy the big game together.

“Oh, no. They’re not available,” the guy said. “They’re all at the funeral.

 ~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

02/03/10 Grif.Net – Brain Surgery

In order to save his marriage, a brilliant Saints fan who had married a
slow-witted Colts fan agreed to undergo experimental brain surgery to lower
his IQ so that he too can root for the Colts.

After the procedure, as he was being wheeled into recovery, the surgeon went
up to the man’s wife. “I have awful news,” he says. “We accidentally removed
too much brain tissue, and the outlook for your husband is grim.”

“Oh no, Doctor,” says the wife, “what will that mean for him?”

Then, to her horror, she heard her husband weakly moaning: “Let’s… go…
Lions…”

 ~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”