01/15/10 Grif.Net – Ten MORE Things You Don’t Want to Hear in Surgery

#10 ~ Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?

#9 ~ Hand me that, uh, that uh, thingie.

#8 ~ Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys. Hey, this guy’s got two of ‘em!

#7 ~ Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

#6 ~ Could you stop that thing from beating? It’s throwing my concentration
off.

#5 ~ I wish I hadn’t forgotten my glasses.

#4 ~ Sterile, schmerile. The OR floor’s clean, right?

#3 ~ Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card?

#2 ~ Don’t worry. I think it’s sharp enough.

#1 ~ Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.

Bonus: ~ Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad dog!

~~ 
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

01/15/10 Grif.Net – Ten MORE Things You Don’t Want to Hear in Surgery

#10 ~ Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?

#9 ~ Hand me that, uh, that uh, thingie.

#8 ~ Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys. Hey, this guy’s got two of ‘em!

#7 ~ Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

#6 ~ Could you stop that thing from beating? It’s throwing my concentration
off.

#5 ~ I wish I hadn’t forgotten my glasses.

#4 ~ Sterile, schmerile. The OR floor’s clean, right?

#3 ~ Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card?

#2 ~ Don’t worry. I think it’s sharp enough.

#1 ~ Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.

Bonus: ~ Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad dog!

~~ 
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

01/14/10 Grif.Net – Friendship

Are you tired of those sissy ‘friendship’ poems that always sound good but
never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises
that actually speak of True Friendship. You WON’T see cutesy little smiley
faces; just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad, I will jump on the person who made you sad like a
spider monkey jacked up on Mountain Dew!

2. When you are blue, I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile, I will know you are plotting something that I must be
involved in.

4. When you’re scared, we will high-tail it out of here.

5. When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much
worse it could be until you quit whining, ya big baby!

6. When you are confused, I will use little words.

7. When you are sick, stay away from me until you are well again. I don’t
want whatever you have.

8. When you fall, I’ll pick you up and dust you off– After I laugh my
behind off!

This is my oath. I pledge it to the end.
‘Why?’ you may ask; because you’re my FRIEND!

(Remember, “Friendship is like wetting your pants. Everyone can see it, but
only YOU can feel the true warmth”)

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

01/13/10 Grif.Net – Another Funeral

There were two rich brothers who looked great on the outside, even attending
church regularly, but whose hearts were evil.

A new, more astute pastor arrived at the church. The congregation grew and a
fund raising campaign was started to add a new auditorium for the church.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The day before the funeral the
remaining brother sidled up to the pastor and gave him a check for the full
amount needed to complete the addition. “Just one condition,” he said. “At
the funeral you must say that my brother was a SAINT.”

The pastor gave him his word and deposited the check.

The next day, at the funeral, the pastor let it all go. “He was an evil
man,” he said, hard on his wife and family, corrupt in business,” and on and
on. He concluded, “But, compared to his brother, he was a saint.”

 ~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

01/12/10 Grif.Net – Right Dad?

The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country
preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased. “He was an
honest man. He was a loving husband. He was a kind father. He was generous
with all his friends. Blah, blah, blah.”

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, “Go up
there and take a look in the coffin and see if that’s your pa in there.”

 ~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

01/11/10 Grif.Net – From the Mouths of Babes

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? You might have to guess,
based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
–Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? Both don’t want any more
kids.
–Lori, age 8

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? You got to find somebody who likes the same
stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports,
and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
–Alan, age 10

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? On the first date, they just tell each
other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second
date.
–Martin, age 10

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? Tell your wife that she looks pretty,
even if she looks like a truck.
–Ricky, age 10

WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE? “If falling in love is anything like learning
how to spell, I don’t want to do it. It takes too long.” –Glenn, age 7

WHY DO LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS? “They want to make sure their rings don’t
fall off because they paid good money for them.” –Gavin, age 8

WHY ARE YOU IN NO HURRY TO DATE? “I’m not rushing into being in love. I’m
finding fourth grade hard enough.” –Regina, age 10

HOW WILL YOU MAKE A GIRL FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU? “Tell her that you own a
whole bunch of candy stores.”
–Del, age 6

 ~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

01/09/10 Weekend Grif.Net – Death

[Thanks for the forward to Duane. Very appropriate illustration.]

A sick man turned to his doctor as he was preparing to leave the examination
room and said, ‘Doctor, I am afraid to die. Tell me what lies on the other
side.’

Very quietly, the doctor said, ‘I don’t know.’

‘You don’t know? You’re a Christian and don’t know what’s on the other
side?’

The doctor was holding the handle of the door. On the other side came a
sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door, a dog sprang
into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.

Turning to the patient, the doctor said, ‘Did you notice my dog? He’s never
been in this room before. He didn’t know what was inside. He knew nothing
except that his master was here, and when the door opened, he sprang in
without fear.

I know little of what is on the other side of death, but I do know one thing
– I know my Master is there and that is enough.’

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

01/08/10 Grif.Net – Senior Citizen

[I joked with a friend that I ushered in the New Year at 10 pm and he
forwarded this description of a senior citizen]

I am a senior citizen…

- I’m the life of the party… even when it lasts ’till 8pm.
- I’m very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.
- I’m usually interested in going home before I get to where I’m going.
- I’m good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin or antacids.
- I’m the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.
- I’m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
- I’m smiling all the time because I can’t hear a word you’re saying.
- I’m very good at telling stories…over and over and over and over.
- I’m aware that other people’s grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
- I’m so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
- I’m not grouchy; I just don’t like traffic, waiting, children,
politicians.
- I’m positive I did housework correctly before the Internet.
- I’m sure everything I can’t find is in a secure place.
- I’m wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that’s just my left leg.
- I’m having trouble remembering simple words like… uh…
- I’m realizing that aging is not for sissies.
- I’m walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.
- I’m sure they are making adults much younger these days.
- I’m in the *initial* state of my golden years: SS, CD’s, IRA’s, AARP.
- I’m wondering, if you’re only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at
150?
- I’m anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise,
anti-inflammatory.
- I’m a walking storeroom of facts. I’ve just lost the key to the storeroom.

I’m a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life…
Aren’t I?

~~ 
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

01/07/10 Grif.Net – January Pun

Once upon a time in a far-away country, a king and queen lived happily in
their kingdom. But one day, a giant pair of yellow fingers appeared in
front of their castle. Anyone attempting to leave the castle had to pass
through the yellow fingers which would snap shut and squash the person.

Day after day, one brave knight after another attempted to get help. But
none were able to pass through the giant yellow fingers.

After several months of captivity, the king and queen were becoming
desperate. They were out of food, and there was no way they could get help
from the outside.

Then one day, a lowly page volunteered to seek help. “I can do it! I’m not
cumbered with armor and quick enough to make it through I know I can get
help!” said the page.

The king gave his permission with great sorrow, because he felt the young
page was going forward to meet certain death.

But the page did it! Where the knights had all failed, the page
successfully scooted past the giant fingers before they snapped shut!

And the moral to the story is: Let your pages do the walking through the
yellow fingers!

~~ 
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

01/06/10 Grif.Net – Blessing for 2010

[A friend sent me this blessing. A smile crossed my lips when reading it.]

May peace break into your home and may thieves come to steal your debts.
May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet for $50 bills.
May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your
lips.
May happiness slap you across the face and may your tears be that of joy
May the problems you had, forget your home address.

In simple words . . . may 2010 be the best year of your life.

~~
ANSWERS TO MONDAY’S NEW YEAR QUIZ

1. Under which calendar is New Year’s Day Jan. 1?
New Year’s Day is the first day of the year, Jan. 1, in the Gregorian
calendar. Traditionally the day has been observed as a religious feast, but
in modern times the arrival of the New Year has also become an occasion for
spirited celebration and the making of personal resolutions.

2. What calendar determines the date of the Chinese New Year?
The Chinese New Year, traditionally based on the lunar calendar, is
celebrated in many American cities with the roar of blazing firecrackers,
dancing dragons made from Paper Mâché and cloth, and traditional music.

3. Rosh Hashanah is the beginning of the new year for what religion?
Rosh Hashanah (Hebrew, “beginning of the year”), Jewish New Year, celebrated
on the first and second days of the Jewish month of Tishri (falling in
September or October) by Orthodox and Conservative Jews and on the first day
alone by Reform Jews. It begins the observance of the Ten Penitential Days,
a period ending with Yom Kippur that is the most solemn of the Jewish
calendar. Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur are known as the High Holy Days.

4. Kwanzaa is a seven-day holiday that begins Dec. 26 and extends through
Jan. 1. What does the word mean in Swahili?
Kwanzaa, or matunda ya kwanza, is Swahili for “first fruits”. This is an
African American holiday observed by African communities throughout the
world that celebrates family, community, and culture. Kwanzaa has its roots
in the ancient African first-fruit harvest celebrations from which it takes
its name. However, its modern history begins in 1966 when it was developed
by African American scholar and activist Maulana Karenga.

5. In the Middle Ages most European countries used the Julian calendar, so
they observed New Year’s Day when?
In the Middle Ages most European countries used the Julian calendar and
observed New Year’s Day on March 25, called Annunciation Day and celebrated
as the occasion on which it was revealed to Mary that she would give birth
to the Son of God.

6. The name January is derived from the Roman god Janus. What is he the god
of?
The name of the month is derived from Janus, the Roman god of gates and
doors, and hence of openings and beginnings. January was the 11th month of
the year in the ancient Roman calendar; in the 2nd century BC, however, it
came to be regarded as the first month. On January 1 the Romans offered
sacrifices to Janus so that he would bless the new year.

7. When do the practitioners of Tibetan Buddhism celebrate New Year’s?
Much of the ritual of Tibetan Buddhism is based on the esoteric mysticism of
Tantra, devotions that involve both yoga and mantra, or a mystical formula,
and ancient shamanistic practices. On special holidays the temples, shrines,
and altars of the lamas are decorated with symbolic figures; milk, butter,
tea, flour, and similar offerings are brought by the worshipers, animal
sacrifices being strictly forbidden. Tibetan Buddhist religious festivals
are numerous. The most notable are New Year’s, celebrated in February and
marking the commencement of spring

8. The Roman New Year festival was called the Calends, and people decorated
their homes and gave each other gifts. Ancient Romans gave each other New
Year’s gifts of branches from sacred trees. Later they gave small items,
such as nuts or coins, imprinted with pictures of what God?
In later years, they gave gold-covered nuts or coins imprinted with pictures
of Janus, the god of gates, doors, and beginnings. January was named after
Janus, who had two faces–one looking forward and the other looking
backward. The Romans also brought gifts to the emperor. The emperors
eventually began to demand such gifts.

9. What New Year’s gift did ancient Persians give?
The ancient Persians gave New Year’s gifts of eggs, which symbolized
productiveness

10. In ancient Egypt, what event dictated the timing of New Year’s
celebrations?
In ancient Egypt, New Year was celebrated at the time the River Nile
flooded, which was near the end of September. The flooding of the Nile was
very important because without it, the people would not have been able to
grow crops in the dry desert. At New Year, statues of the god Amon and his
wife and son were taken up the Nile by boat. Singing, dancing, and feasting
was done for a month, and then the statues were taken back to the temple.

~~ 
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

01/05/10 Grif.Net – Running Away from Home

A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his
father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and
proudly announced, ‘I’m running away from home!’

The father calmly decided to help the lad look at the matter logically.
‘What if you get hungry?’ he said.

‘Then I’ll come home and eat,’ bravely declared the child.

‘And what if you run out of money?’

‘I will come home and get some!’ readily replied the child.

The man then made a final attempt, ‘What if your clothes get dirty?’

‘Then I’ll come home and let mommy wash them’, was the reply.

The man shook his head and exclaimed, ‘This kid is not running away from
home; he’s going off to college!’

 ~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

01/04/10 Grif.Net – New Year Trivia

[From Deanna]

1. Under which calendar is New Year’s Day Jan. 1?
A. Julian Calendar
B. Gregorian Calendar
C. Jewish Calendar
D. Chinese Calendar
E. All of the above

2. What calendar determines the date of the Chinese New Year?
A. Lunar
B. Solar
C. Chinese
D. Zen

3. Rosh Hashanah is the beginning of the new year for what religion?
A. Muslim
B. Christian
C. Buddhist
D. Jewish

4. Kwanzaa is a seven-day holiday that begins Dec. 26 and extends through
Jan. 1. What does the word mean in Swahili?
A. First fruits
B. First people
C. First days
D. First dance

5. In the Middle Ages most European countries used the Julian calendar, so
they observed New Year’s Day when?
A. Feb. 14th
B. March 25th
C. April 1st
D. May 21st

6. The name January is derived from the Roman god Janus. What is he the god
of?
A. Wine and grapes
B. Babies and childbirth
C. Clocks and calendars
D. Gates and doors

7. When do the practitioners of Tibetan Buddhism celebrate New Year’s?
A. Never
B. January
C. February
D. March

8. The Roman New Year festival was called the Calends, and people decorated
their homes and gave each other gifts. Ancient Romans gave each other New
Year’s gifts of branches from sacred trees. Later they gave small items,
such as nuts or coins, imprinted with pictures of what God?
A. Julius Caesar
B. Jesus Christ
C. Janus
D. Zeus

9. What New Year’s gift did ancient Persians give?
A. Money
B. Eggs
C. Cakes
D. Rugs

10. In ancient Egypt what event dictated the timing of New Year’s
celebrations?
A. Pharaoh’s birthday
B. Flooding of Nile
C. Solar eclipse
D. Exact alignment of stars with Great Pyramid

Answers/explanations on Wednesday
~~ 
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

01/02/10 Weekend Grif.Net – 10 Character Traits for 2010

LOVE:
The Special Feeling that Makes You Feel All Warm and Wonderful.

RESPECT:
Treating Others as Well as You Would Like to be Treated.

APPRECIATION:
To Be Grateful for All the Good Things Life has to Offer.

HAPPINESS:
The Full Enjoyment of Each Moment. (A Smiling Face)

FORGIVENESS:
The Ability to Let Things Be Without Anger.

SHARING:
The Joy of Giving Without Thought of Receiving.

HONESTY:
The Quality of Always Telling the Truth.

INTEGRITY:
The Purity of Doing What’s Right. (No Matter What)

COMPASSION:
The Essence of Feeling Another’s Pain, While Easing Their Hurt.

PEACE:
The Reward for Living the 10 Most Important Things.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”