12/17/09 Grif.Net – Catching Cold

As you know, it is very important for Santa and his reindeer to be very
quiet when they deliver presents on Christmas Eve so no one will know they
are there. One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus landed on a rooftop and suddenly
he heard a very loud, “Snort sniff honk honk snort!” coming from one of his
reindeer. Since he was in the sleigh behind them, he didn’t know which one
it was.

It happened again, only louder this time, “Snort sniff honk honk snort!”

Dogs in the neighborhood began to bark. “Shhh!” Santa hissed. “Please be
quiet!”

He went to work lifting the sack of toys out of the sleigh when he heard it
again, only a lot louder this time, “SNORT SNIFF HONK HONK SNORT!”

Lights came on all over the neighborhood, and some people even stuck their
heads out of their windows. Santa was horrified. Jumping back into the
sleigh, he drove quickly back to the North Pole. He lined up all the
reindeer and announced, “We are not going to deliver another present until
the reindeer that is making funny noises with his nose steps forward and
apologizes!”

Donner stepped forward and admitted he had both allergies and caught a cold
and was the one making the noises.

Before continuing on that Christmas Eve, Santa ‘read off the rude-nosed
reindeer’.

 ~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

Posted in Uncategorized

12/16/09 Grif.Net – Christmas Shopping

It was December 16th, just nine days before Christmas, and the judge was in
a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, “What are you charged with?”

“Doing my Christmas shopping early,” replied the defendant.

“That’s no offense,” said the judge. “How early were you doing this
shopping?”

“Oh, about an hour or two before the store opened,” countered the prisoner.

~~ 
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

12/15/09 Grif.Net – Cattlemen v Sheepherders

In northern Wyoming there was a huge battle between cattle barons and
sheepherders in the Johnson County War. Sheep were shot, fences put up on
the vast cattle ranches ripped down.

Finally the leading sheepherder Clare D. Lune hired two Chinese immigrants
(Lu Chim and Wu Ni) and together they ambushed the leading cattlemen,
hanging them in traditional Wyoming fashion.

The newspaper reported, “The stock kings were hung by Chim & Ni, with Clare”

 ~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

12/14/09 Grif.Net – Season’s Riddles

[With 10 grandkids 10-and-under, trust me that I hear some pretty awful
jokes and riddles at Christmastime]

Q. What happens to Santa if there’s a fire in the fireplace?
A. Santa becomes known as Krisp Kringle.

Q. What day of the year can we all honestly say our children are gifted!?
A. December 25th

Q. What three phrases best sum up the Christmas season?
A. “Peace on Earth”, “Goodwill to Men” and “Batteries not included.”

Q. What do you have in December that you don’t have in any other month?
A. The letter “D”.

Q. What do reindeer have that no other animals on earth have?
A. Baby reindeer.

Q. What do you call a chicken at the North Pole?
A. Lost.

Q. Where does Frosty the Snowman keep his money?
A. In a snow bank.

Q. What is Santa’s favorite breakfast cereal?
A. Frosted Flakes.

Q. Which of Santa’s reindeer got a part time job to help in a poor economy?
A. Comet cleans sinks!

Q. Where did the mistletoe go to become rich and famous?
A. Holly-wood.

Q. What do you call a cow at the North Pole?
A. An Eski-moo.

Q. Why did Frosty go to live in the middle of the ocean?
A. Because snow man is an island.

~~ 
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

12/12/09 Weekend Grif.Net – God Lives Under the Bed

GOD LIVES UNDER THE BED by Kelly Adkins

I envy Kevin. My brother, Kevin, thinks God lives under his bed. At least
that’s what I heard him say one night.

He was praying out loud in his dark bedroom, and I stopped to listen,

‘Are you there, God?’ he said. ‘Where are you? Oh, I see. Under the bed…’

I giggled softly and tiptoed off to my own room. Kevin’s unique perspectives
are often a source of amusement. But that night something else lingered long
after the humor. I realized for the first time the very different world
Kevin lives in.

He was born 30 years ago, mentally disabled as a result of difficulties
during labor. Apart from his size (he’s 6-foot-2) there are few ways in
which he is an adult.

He reasons and communicates with the capabilities of a 7-year-old, and he
always will. He will probably always believe that God lives under his bed,
that Santa Claus is the one who fills the space under our tree every
Christmas, and that airplanes stay up in the sky because angels carry them.

I remember wondering if Kevin realizes he is different. Is he ever
dissatisfied with his monotonous life? Up before dawn each day, off to work
at a workshop for the disabled, home to walk our cocker spaniel, return to
eat his favorite macaroni-and-cheese for dinner, and later to bed.

The only variation in the entire scheme is laundry, when he hovers excitedly
over the washing machine like a mother with her newborn child.

He does not seem dissatisfied.

He lopes out to the bus every morning at 7:05, eager for a day of simple
work.

He wrings his hands excitedly while the water boils on the stove before
dinner, and he stays up late twice a week to gather our dirty laundry for
his next day’s laundry chores.

And Saturdays – oh, the bliss of Saturdays! That’s the day my Dad takes
Kevin to the airport to have a soft drink, watch the planes land, and
speculates loudly on the destination of each passenger inside. “That one’s
goin’ to Chi-car-go!” Kevin shouts as he claps his hands. His anticipation
is so great he can hardly sleep on Friday nights.

And so goes his world of daily rituals and weekend field trips.

He doesn’t know what it means to be discontent.

His life is simple.

He will never know the entanglements of wealth of power, and he does not
care what brand of clothing he wears or what kind of food he eats. His needs
have always been met, and he never worries that one day they may not be.

His hands are diligent. Kevin is never as happy as when he is working. When
he unloads the dishwasher or vacuums the carpet, his heart is completely in
it.

He does not shrink from a job when it is begun, and he does not leave a job
until it is finished. But when his tasks are done, Kevin knows how to relax.

He is not obsessed with his work or the work of others. His heart is pure.

He still believes everyone tells the truth, promises must be kept, and when
you are wrong, you apologize instead of argue.

Free from pride and unconcerned with appearances, Kevin is not afraid to cry
when he is hurt, angry or sorry. He is always transparent, always sincere.
And he trusts God.

Not confined by intellectual reasoning, when he comes to the Lord, he comes
as a child. Kevin seems to know God – to really be friends with Him in a way
that is difficult for an ‘educated’ person to grasp. God seems like his
closest companion.

In my moments of doubt and frustrations with my beliefs, I envy the security
Kevin has in his simple faith.

It is then that I am most willing to admit that he has some divine knowledge
that rises above my mortal questions.

It is then I realize that perhaps he is not the one with the handicap. I am.
My obligations, my fear, my pride, my circumstances – they all become
disabilities when I do not trust them to God’s care.

Who knows if Kevin comprehends things I can never learn? After all, he has
spent his whole life in that kind of innocence, praying after dark and
soaking up the goodness and love of God.

And one day, when the mysteries of heaven are opened, and we are all amazed
at how close God really is to our hearts, I’ll realize that God heard the
simple prayers of a boy who believed that God lived under his bed.

Kevin won’t be surprised at all!

 ~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

12/11/09 Grif.Net – Christmas Bargain

While Christmas shopping at a local toy store, my friend Jim came across a
long line of people waiting for a promised shipment of dolls from Mattel. As
he scanned the line, he noticed his friend, Bill, waiting with all the
others.

Knowing that Bill had no daughters or granddaughter, Jim figured that Bill
must like the dolls himself.

“Hey Bill, I didn’t know you were a collector!”

“I’m not,” Bill replied.

“Then why are you standing in this long line?”

“Well, I’ve never been able to resist a barbie queue!”

~~ 
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

12/11/09 Grif.Net – Christmas Bargain

While Christmas shopping at a local toy store, my friend Jim came across a
long line of people waiting for a promised shipment of dolls from Mattel. As
he scanned the line, he noticed his friend, Bill, waiting with all the
others.

Knowing that Bill had no daughters or granddaughter, Jim figured that Bill
must like the dolls himself.

“Hey Bill, I didn’t know you were a collector!”

“I’m not,” Bill replied.

“Then why are you standing in this long line?”

“Well, I’ve never been able to resist a barbie queue!”

~~ 
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

12/10/09 Grif.Net – Paying for the Present

Some years back as a good father, I bought my only daughter a special Barbie
Doll House. Sadly (for me) it arrived in 189 plastic pieces. The
instructions said that it could be put together in about “30 minutes or
less”. It took me most of the night and I was blurry-eyed and out-of-sorts
on Christmas morning.

I’m not vindictive, but after it was all put together, I wrote the company a
check, cut it into 189 pieces and mailed it off for THEM to put together in
30 minutes or less.

~~ 
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

12/09/09 Grif.Net – More Christmas Puns

It was the night before Christmas when Santa Claus’ sleigh team became one
member short because of a sudden illness.

When an inflatable plastic reindeer was used to fill the void in the team,
so no one would take notice the missing animal, Regis (chief elf), asked
Santa,

“Is that your vinyl Prancer?”

~~
ANSWERS to Monday’s Quiz:

1. On December 24, Adam’s wife was known as CHRISTMAS EVE.

2. In Charles Dickens’s A Christmas Carol, Scrooge was visited by the ghost
of CHRISTMAS PRESENT.

3. An opinion survey in Alaska is called a NORTH POLL.

4. What Christmas message is conveyed by these letters?
ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ = NO L

5. When the salt and the pepper say “Hi!” to each other, they are passing on
SEASON’S GREETINGS.

6. A holy man bereft of change could be called SAINT NICKELESS.

7. A quiet medieval armor-wearer is a SILENT KNIGHT.

8. A cat walking on the desert is bound to get SANDY CLAWS.

9. People who tell jokes on December 25 might be called a CHIRSTMAS CARD.

10 Actor O’Connor and actress Channing are known on December 25 as CHRISTMAS
CAROLS.

Bonus: What do Spanish sheep say when they wish each other a Merry
Christmas? FLEECE NAVIDAD.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

12/08/09 Grif.Net – Drawing the Nativity

The Sunday after Christmas, the Sunday School teacher told her students
about an angel appearing to Joseph in a dream, warning him about danger to
the baby Jesus and telling him how to escape from it. After the story time,
the students were given an opportunity to draw a picture about the story.
Most of the pictures were predictable, but Johnny’s had an odd element in
it.

“Johnny, I see Joseph and Mary with the baby Jesus but they are flying in an
airplane. Where did you come up with that idea?”

“Well, teacher, you told us all about the flight to Egypt.”

The teacher caught her breath. “Oh, my. But who is the THIRD adult with
Mary, Joseph and the baby Jesus?”

“I got that from another Bible story. It’s Pontius the Pilate.”

 ~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

12/07/09 Grif.Net – Christmas Pun Quiz

Everyone dresses up kids for the program as “angels”. What’s the difference
between a one-winged angel and a two-winged angel? It’s a matter of a
pinion.

I think yule love the game we’re about to play. In each sentence below, fill
in the blank or blanks with an expression commonly used at Christmastide.
Answers Wednesday:

1. On December 24, Adam’s wife was known as _____ _____.

2. In Charles Dickens’s A Christmas Carol, Scrooge was visited by the ghost
of _____ _____.

3. An opinion survey in Alaska is called a _____ _____.

4. What Christmas message is conveyed by these letters?:

ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ _____, _____

5. When the salt and the pepper say “Hi!” to each other, they are passing
on _____ _____.

6. A holy man bereft of change could be called _____ _____.

7. A quiet medieval armor-wearer is a _____ _____.

8. A cat walking on the desert is bound to get _____ _____.

9. People who tell jokes on December 25 might be called _____ _____.

10. Actor O’Connor and actress Channing are known on December 25 as
_____ _____.

Bonus: What do Spanish sheep say when they wish each other a Merry
Christmas?
_____ _____.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

12/05/09 Weekend Grif.Net – The Tablecloth

[Pastor Rob Reid avows this as a true story. Thanks to Dave for forwarding
it . . and I could hardly wait for Christmas Season to begin, to share it.]

The brand new pastor and his wife, newly assigned to their first ministry,
to reopen a church in suburban Brooklyn, arrived in early October excited
about their opportunities. When they saw their church, it was very run down
and needed much work. They set a goal to have everything done in time to
have their first service on Christmas Eve.

They worked hard, repairing pews, plastering walls, painting, etc. and on
Dec, 18 were ahead of schedule and just about finished. On Dec, 19th a
terrible tempest – a driving rainstorm – hit the area and lasted for two
days.

On the 21st, the pastor went over to the church. His heart sank when he saw
that the roof had leaked, causing a large area of plaster about 20 feet by 8
feet to fall off the front wall of the sanctuary just behind the pulpit,
beginning about head high. The pastor cleaned up the mess on the floor, and
not knowing what else to do but postpone the Christmas Eve service, headed
home. On the way he noticed that a local business was having a flea market
type sale for charity so he stopped in.

One of the items was a beautiful, handmade, ivory colored, crocheted
tablecloth with exquisite work, fine colors and a Cross embroidered right in
the center. It was just the right size to cover up the hole in the front
wall. He bought it and headed back to the church.

By this time it had started to snow. An older woman running from the
opposite direction was trying to catch the bus. She missed it. The pastor
invited her to wait in the warm church for the next bus 45 minutes later.

She sat in a pew and paid no attention to the pastor while he got a ladder,
hangers, etc., to put up the tablecloth as a wall tapestry. The pastor could
hardly believe how beautiful it looked and it covered up the entire problem
area.

Then he noticed the woman walking down the center aisle. Her face was white
like a sheet. “Pastor,” she asked, “where did you get that tablecloth?” The
pastor explained.

The woman asked him to check the lower right corner to see if the initials,
EBG were crocheted into it there.

They were. These were the initials of the woman, and she had made this
tablecloth 35 years before, in Austria.

The woman could hardly believe it as the pastor told how he had just gotten
the Tablecloth. The woman explained that before the war she and her husband
were well-to-do people in Austria. When the Nazis came, she was forced to
leave.

Her husband was going to follow her the next week. She was captured sent to
prison and never saw her husband or her home again.

The pastor wanted to give her the tablecloth; but she made the pastor keep
it for the church. The pastor insisted on driving her home that was the
least he could do. She lived on the other side of Staten Island and was only
in Brooklyn for the day for a housecleaning job.

What a wonderful service they had on Christmas Eve. The church was almost
full. The music and the spirit were great. At the end of the service, the
pastor and his wife greeted everyone at the door and many said that they
would return. One older man, whom the pastor recognized from the
neighborhood, continued to sit in one of the pews and stare, and the pastor
wondered why he wasn’t leaving. The man asked him where he got the
tablecloth on the front wall because it was identical to one that his wife
had made years ago when they lived in Austria before the war and how could
there be two tablecloths so much alike?

He told the pastor how the Nazis came, how he forced his wife to flee for
her safety, and he was supposed to follow her, but he was arrested and put
in a prison. He never saw his wife or his home again all the 35 years in
between.

The pastor asked him if he would allow him to take him for a little ride.
They drove to Staten Island and to the same house where the pastor had taken
the woman three days earlier. He helped the man climb the three flights of
stairs to the woman’s apartment, knocked on the door and he saw the greatest
Christmas reunion he could ever imagine.

 ~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

12/04/09 Grif.Net – A Punny Christmas Story

James Fennimore Cooper wrote about the life of Santa Claus. Naturally he
titled it The Deer Sleigher. On the inside cover appears a photograph of
Santa taken with his North Polaroid camera. In the pages of the book,
you’ll find out that Santa’s primary language is North Polish. You’ll learn
that Santa and Mrs. Claus live in an icicle built for two and that he loves
tending his three gardens and exulting, “Hoe, hoe, hoe!”

You’ll also discover that St. Nicholas is the main Claus. His wife is a
relative Claus. His children are dependent Clauses. Santa’s elves are
subordinate Clauses

On Christmas Eve, Santa eats a jolly roll, leaps into his sleigh, and urges
his toys to hop in the sack. Santa’s sleigh always comes out first because
it starts in the Pole position. It also gets terrific mileage because it has
long-distance runners on each side.

Kris Kringle especially loves all his reindeer because every buck is deer to
him.
When traveling in the sleigh in inclement weather, Santa gets icicles in his
beard and calls them chin chillas. He sometimes removes all the bells from
his sleigh and travels silently through the night. One day he hopes to win a
No Bell prize.

Santa is so Santa-mental that he sometimes spends all his money on the toys
that he brings to children everywhere. At those times, he’s called St.
Nickeless. But when flying to Cape Canaveral he’s a palindrome (A SANTA AT
NASA)

Santa loves sliding down chimneys because it soots him. But he actually has
a fear of getting stuck. That fear is called Santa Claustrophobia. Since
Santa has to go up and down a wide variety of chimneys on Christmas, we
recommend getting a yearly flue shot.

And yes, I’ve been reading too much Richard Lederer.

 ~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”