James Fennimore Cooper wrote about the life of Santa Claus. Naturally he
titled it The Deer Sleigher. On the inside cover appears a photograph of
Santa taken with his North Polaroid camera. In the pages of the book,
you’ll find out that Santa’s primary language is North Polish. You’ll learn
that Santa and Mrs. Claus live in an icicle built for two and that he loves
tending his three gardens and exulting, “Hoe, hoe, hoe!”
You’ll also discover that St. Nicholas is the main Claus. His wife is a
relative Claus. His children are dependent Clauses. Santa’s elves are
On Christmas Eve, Santa eats a jolly roll, leaps into his sleigh, and urges
his toys to hop in the sack. Santa’s sleigh always comes out first because
it starts in the Pole position. It also gets terrific mileage because it has
long-distance runners on each side.
Kris Kringle especially loves all his reindeer because every buck is deer to
When traveling in the sleigh in inclement weather, Santa gets icicles in his
beard and calls them chin chillas. He sometimes removes all the bells from
his sleigh and travels silently through the night. One day he hopes to win a
No Bell prize.
Santa is so Santa-mental that he sometimes spends all his money on the toys
that he brings to children everywhere. At those times, he’s called St.
Nickeless. But when flying to Cape Canaveral he’s a palindrome (A SANTA AT
Santa loves sliding down chimneys because it soots him. But he actually has
a fear of getting stuck. That fear is called Santa Claustrophobia. Since
Santa has to go up and down a wide variety of chimneys on Christmas, we
recommend getting a yearly flue shot.
And yes, I’ve been reading too much Richard Lederer.
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”