11/30/09 Grif.Net – What’s Up, Doc?

Reading a local paper and their trivia about famous doctors helped me
develop this little quiz to see if your BRAIN survived the Thanksgiving
Weekend overload.

Fill in the missing doctors’ (real/fictional) names. DOUBLE POINTS FOR FIRST
AND LAST NAME CORRECT.

1. Robert Louis Stevenson wrote about the dual personality of Dr.
____________.

2. Dr. _____________ set the broken leg of John Wilkes Booth and ended up
spending four years in a Gulf of Mexico prison.

3. Noah Wylie portrayed the young caring Dr ___________________ who moved
from Chicago’s ER to the heart of Africa.

4. In Dodge City, Kansas, old Doc _______________ fixed up Kitty and Matt
Dillon.

5. Mary Shelly wrote of a Dr _______________ (who wasn’t even a doctor!) and
his ‘monster’ made from spare body parts.

6. In 1901-1906 Dr. _________________ worked with a patient suffering memory
loss, difficulty with speech and comprehension. After her death, he
autopsied the brain to note plaque deposits, dead areas, tangled nerves, and
found the 7th leading cause of death that now bears his name.

7. A thoracic surgeon in the Korean War, Dr _________________, later wrote
of his life there, basing its main character Hawkeye Pierce on himself.

8. Dr. __________________ became an author of medical fiction (like
“Andromeda Strain”) and created popular shows like “E.R.”

9. Fortunately for children of the 1950′s when the scourge of polio was at
its height, Dr _________________ transferred from law school to become a
medical doctor.

10. A medical doctor in the ambulance corps during World War I, Dr
____________ later gained fame for writing “Of Human Bondage”.

11. Father-figure who always knew best, Dr _________________ ministered to
patients in his suburban home, assisted by handsome Dr Kiley.

12. Dr ____________________ served the crew of the 23rd Century spaceship in
Star Trek.

13. Handsome young heartthrob Dr ______________ dealt with patients at Blair
General Hospital for five years in primetime.

14. Maintaining his London medical practice, Dr. ______________ wrote a
number of detective adventures there were “elementary, my dear Watson”.

15. Dark and brooding Dr _________________ performed surgery at County
General mentored by Dr Zorba.

 ~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

11/28/09 Weekend Grif.Net – Immigration Reform

Does this make sense to you? We need some major change in thinking,
immediately.

If you cross the NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, you get 12 YEARS HARD LABOR.

If you cross the IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, you get DETAINED INDEFINITELY.

If you cross the AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, you get SHOT.

If you cross the SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, you get JAILED.

If you cross the CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY, you may NEVER BE HEARD FROM
AGAIN.

If you cross the E VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, you get BRANDED A SPY AND
YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.

If you cross the CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, you get THROWN INTO POLITICAL
PRISON TO ROT.

If you cross the U.S. BORDER ILLEGALLY, you get a
JOB
DRIVERS LICENSE
SOCIAL SECURITY CARD
WELFARE
FOOD STAMPS
CREDIT CARDS
SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE
FREE EDUCATION
FREE HEALTH CARE
A LOBBYIST IN WASHINGTON
IN MANY INSTANCES YOU CAN VOTE

My paternal Great Grandfather Arthur David Griffin came from Ireland LEGALLY
My paternal Grandmother Melina Marie Prochaska came from Bohemia LEGALLY
My maternal Grandfather George Wilke Martin came from Scotland LEGALLY
My maternal Great Grandmother Lady Nan Kinsman came from Wales LEGALLY

I am the LAST person against immigration. I am at the head of the line
against ILLEGAL immigration.

Until we get IMMIGRATION REFORM, health-care reform is a pipe dream.

 ~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

11/27/09 Grif.Net – Letter of Thanksgiving

There was a post office worker whose job it was to process all the mail that
had illegible addresses. One day a letter came addressed in a shaky
handwriting to God, with no actual address. He thought he should open it to
see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,
I am an 83-year-old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday, someone
stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my
next pension check.

This next Thursday is Thanksgiving, and I have invited two of my friends
over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have
no family to turn to and you are my only hope.

Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with something to
contribute. By the time he made the rounds of all his colleagues, he had
collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and
the Thanksgiving dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

A few days after Thanksgiving another letter arrived from the same old lady,
with the same shaky handwriting, addressed to God. All the workers gathered
around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your
gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a
very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way,
there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those dirty crooks at the
post office!

With much thanks,
Edna

 ~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

11/26/09 Grif.Net – Thanksgiving Wish

From our house to yours . . .

MAY YOUR STUFFING BE TASTY,
MAY YOUR TURKEY BE PLUMP.
MAY YOUR POTATOES ‘N GRAVY
HAVE NARY A LUMP,

MAY YOUR YAMS BE DELICIOUS,
MAY YOUR PIES TAKE THE PRIZE,
MAY YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER
STAY OFF OF YOUR THIGHS.

Gobble till you wobble, but above all,
GIVE THANKS TO GOD
For all He has done!

From our Heart to yours . . .

Psalm 103:1-5
Bless the LORD, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless his holy name.
Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits:
Who forgives all my sins
Who heals all my diseases
Who redeems my life from destruction
Who crowns me with love and compassion
Who satisfies me with every good thing so that my youth is restored

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

11/25/09 Grif.Net – Recipe for Disaster

A recent bride called her mother one evening in tears.

“Oh, Mom, I tried to make Grandma’s meat loaf for dinner tonight, and it’s
just awful! I followed the recipe exactly, and I know I have the recipe
right because it’s the one you gave me. But it just didn’t come out right,
and I’m so upset. It was way too spicy, tasted terrible and the portions
were small.

I wanted this to be so special for Josh because he loves Grandma’s meat
loaf. What could have gone wrong?”

Her mother replied soothingly, “Well, dear, let’s go through the recipe. You
read it out loud and tell me exactly what you did at each step, and together
we’ll figure it out.”

“Okay,” the bride sniffled. “Well, it starts out, ‘Take fifty cents worth of
ground beef’…”

 ~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

11/24/09 Grif.Net – Letter to the Grim Reaper

Dear Mr. Grim Reaper,

So far this year you have taken away my favorite actor Patrick Swayze, my
favorite entertainer Michael Jackson, and my favorite actress Farrah
Fawcett.

Just so you know, my favorite politician is Barack Obama.

Thank you.

[If you are of a more liberal persuasion, feel free to change name to the
politician of your choice! We offer equal opportunity satire!]

 ~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

11/23/09 Grif.Net – Merit?

A cowboy from Montana appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

‘Have you ever done anything of particular merit?’ St. Peter asked.

‘Well, I can think of one thing,’ the cowboy offered. ‘On a trip to the
Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were
threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they
wouldn’t listen.

So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the
face. Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the
ground. I yelled, ‘Now, back off or I’ll kick the snot out of you!’

St. Peter was impressed then asked, ‘When did this happen?’

‘Couple of minutes ago . . . ‘

~~ 
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

11/21/09 Weekend Grif.Net – Sports Philosophy

Baseball & football are the two most popular spectator sports in this
country. And as such, it seems they tell us something about ourselves and
our values. I enjoy comparing baseball and football:

Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. Football is a 20th-century
technological struggle.

Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park. Football is played on a
gridiron, in a stadium, sometimes called Soldier Field or War Memorial
Stadium.

Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in
the fall, when everything’s dying.

In baseball you wear a cap. In football you wear a helmet.

Baseball is concerned with ups – who’s up? Football is concerned with downs
- what down is it?

In baseball you make an error. In football you receive a penalty.

In baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody. In football the
specialist comes in to kick

Baseball has the sacrifice. Football has hitting, clipping, spearing, piling
on, personal fouls, late hitting and unnecessary roughness.

In baseball, if it rains, we don’t go out to play. Football is played in any
kind of weather: rain, snow, sleet, hail, fog.

Baseball has the seventh inning stretch. Football has the two minute
warning.

Baseball has no time limit: we don’t know when it’s gonna end – might have
extra innings. Football is rigidly timed, and it will end even if we’ve got
to go to sudden death.

In baseball, during the game, in the stands, there’s kind of a picnic
feeling; emotions may run high or low, but there’s not too much
unpleasantness. In football, during the game in the stands, you can be sure
that at least twenty-seven times you’re capable of taking the life of a
fellow human being.

And finally, the objectives of the two games are completely different:

In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe. In football the object
is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target
with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with
deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use shotgun. With
short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy
territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that
punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy’s defensive line.

I’m glad baseball season is over and it’s time for real men to play
football.

[adapted from writings of George Carlin]
 ~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

11/20/09 Grif.Net – She’s Out for a While

 A man was known among his friends to be very brief and to the point; he
really never said too much.

One day, a saleswoman promoting a certain brand of cosmetics knocked on his
door and asked to see his wife. The man told her that his wife wasn’t home.

“Well,” replied the saleswoman, “could I please wait for her?”

The man directed her to the front room and left her there for more than
three hours.

The saleswoman was getting really worried, so she called out to the man in
the other room and asked, “May I know where your wife is?”

“She went to the cemetery,” he replied.

“And when is she returning?”

“I don’t really know,” he said. “She’s been there eleven years now.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

11/19/09 Grif.Net – Expectant Fathers

Four expectant fathers were at Swedish Hospital in Minneapolis, while their
wives were in labor.

The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, “Congratulations sir,
you’re the father of twins.”

“What a coincidence!” the man said with some obvious pride. “I work for the
Minnesota Twins baseball team.”

The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, “You,
sir, are the father of triplets.”

“Wow, that’s really an incredible coincidence,” he answered. “I work for the
3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down.”

An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse
came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the
corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets.
Stunned, he barely could reply.

“Don’t tell me another coincidence?” asked the nurse.

After finally regaining his composure, he said, “I don’t believe it, I work
for the Four Seasons Hotel.”

After hearing this, everybody’s attention turned to the fourth guy, who had
just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after
some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.

The nurse asked, “Sir, are you all right?”

“Yes” says the man, “I’m okay now. I just had a shocking thought. I’m the
manager of a local 7-11 Store.”

 ~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

11/18/09 Grif.Net – Test

Three aspiring psychiatrists, from three leading universities, were
attending their first class on emotional extremes.

“Just to establish some parameters,” said the professor to the student from
UCLA, “What is the opposite of joy?”

“Sadness”, said the student.

“And the opposite of depression?” he asked the young lady from Clemson.
“Elation”, she said.

“And you, sir,” he said to the student from the University of Wyoming. “How
about the opposite of woe?”

The UW student replied, “Sir, I believe that would be giddy up”.

~~ 
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

11/17/09 Grif.Net – Top Ten Things You’ll Never Hear a Dad Say

Top 10 things you’ll never hear any Dad say . . .

10. Well, how ’bout that? I’m lost! Looks like we’ll have to stop and ask
for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you’re thirteen, you’ll be ready for
unchaperoned car dates. Won’t that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain “in your face” attitude. I
like that.

7. Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car — GO CRAZY.

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough
for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend … you might want to
consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with your car. Probably one of those
doo-hickey thingies — you know — that makes it run or something. Just have
it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring — now
quit your belly-aching, and let’s go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to
spend.

1. Father’s Day? aahh — don’t worry about that — it’s no big deal.

 ~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

11/16/09 Grif.Net – Biblical Questions (nobody’s asking)

[A little grade school humor shared by a 6th grader with me]

Q. Who was the greatest male financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh’s daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a
little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Old Testament?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.

Q. What kind of motorcycle is in the Bible?
A. David’s Triumph was heard throughout the land.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the New Testament?
A. Honda…because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in
Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?
A. It had never entered his head before.

Q. Which servant of Jehovah was the most flagrant sinner in the Bible?
A. Moses. Because he broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around the Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
A. When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.

Q. Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
A. In the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out
Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. BTW, the Giants and the Angels were
rained out.

 ~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”