Raindadd sent these – transcripts of actual call center/information
conversations:

Customer: ‘I’ve been calling 700-1000 for two days and can’t get
through. Can you help?’
Operator: ‘Where did you get that number, sir?’
Customer: ‘It’s on the door of the business.’
Operator: ‘Sir, those are the hours that they are open.’

~~
Caller: ‘Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?’
Operator: ‘I’m sorry, sir, I don’t understand who you are talking about.’
Caller: ‘On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I
need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack
before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?’
Operator: ‘I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.’

~~
‘Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in
Australia ?’
Operator: ‘Does the product name give you any clue?’

~~
Then there was the caller who asked directory assistance for a knitwear
company in Woven, Scotland.
Operator: ‘Woven? Are you sure?’
Caller: ‘Yes. That’s what it says on the label — Woven in Scotland ‘

~~
Tech Support: ‘I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.’
Customer: ‘OK.’
Tech Support: ‘Did you get a pop-up menu?’
Customer: ‘No.’
Tech Support: ‘OK . Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?’
Customer: ‘No.’
Tech Support: ‘OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
point?’
Customer: ‘Sure. You told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click’.’

~~ 
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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A bear, a lion, and a pig meet. I know what you’re thinking – they eat the
PIG…NO

The bear says, “If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with
fear.”

The lion says, “If I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is afraid of me.”

The pig says, “Big deal….I only have to cough, and the entire planet goes
into mass panic.”

[thanks, Gramma K]
~~
 
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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[Bob forwarded this story. It sounds so real it could be true!]

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young
trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked
their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.
At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men
as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger
co-worker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an
older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last
house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped racing and
asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I see two gas men running as hard as
you two were, I figured I’d better run too!”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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Word problems in math tests like the ACT/SAT are sometimes challenging: I
put the CORRECT answer in brackets for those like me who are
math-challenged!!

Part One:
An old clunker vehicle at 15 mpg and 12,000 miles per year uses _____ [800]
gallons of gasoline a year.

A new fuel-efficient vehicle at 25 mpg and 12,000 miles per year uses _____
[480] gallons a year.

Result: The average clunker transaction will reduce US gasoline consumption
by _____ [320] gallons for each vehicle per year.

Pretty basic math so far, eh?

Part Two:
700,000 vehicles were traded in, resulting in estimated savings of _________
[224 million] gallons of gasoline per year.

224 million gallons is refined from just over _____ [5 million] barrels of
oil.

5 million barrels of oil is about _____ [¼ of one day] US consumption.

Hang in there; it gets interesting

Part Three:
At $75/bbl, 5 million barrels of oil cost about ________[$375] million
dollars

To save $375 million, Congress spent __________ [$3 billion]

On this small program alone, in two months, we taxpayers lost over
__________ [$2.6] BILLION dollars.

Test Question:
How long will it take Congress to bankrupt taxpayers with its new health
care program?

~~ 
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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[In response to last week's grif.net on marriage, BJ sent this]

Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you take
out your frustration and control your anger.

Wife says: I clean the toilet.

Husband says: How does that help?

Wife says: I use your Toothbrush…

 
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and
talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn’t have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children’s parties is to remind yourself that
there are children more awful than your own.

6. Most often a baby wakes up in the weewee hours of the morning.

7. A child will not spill on a dirty floor.

8. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

9. The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also
turns to the left.

10. God invented mothers because he couldn’t be everywhere at once. God
invented guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once.

11. Those who say they “sleep like a baby” obviously haven’t got one.

12. We child-proofed our home, but they are still getting in.

~~ 
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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Dear Ma & Pa,

Am well. Tell brother Walt and brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working
for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of
the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 am, but
am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before
breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to
pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, or fire to lay. Practically Nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not that bad, they git warm water. Breakfast is
strong on the trimmings, like fruit, juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc, but
kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other
regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city
boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you until noon, when
they feed you again.

It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much. We go on “route” marches,
which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks
so, it is not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as
far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all
ride back in trucks.

The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher.
He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors & Colonels just
ride around & frown. They don’t bother you none.

This next will kill Walt & Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for
shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and
don’t move. And it ain’t shooting back at you, like the Higgett boys at
home.

All you got to do is to lay there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even
load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Be sure to tell Walt & Elmer to hurry & join before other fellers get into
this setup & come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter, Gail.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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A small town doctor was famous in the area for always catching large fish.
One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that
a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed to her aid and
delivered a healthy baby boy.

The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the doctor had to use his
fishing scales. The baby weighed 32 lb. 10 oz.

~~
 
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to
America on the Mayflower. Their relatives included senators and Wall Street
wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and
grandchildren and hired a fine author. Only one problem arose — how to
handle the two black sheep of the family — George, who was executed in the
electric chair for murder and Sam, who was hanged for rustling cattle.

The author assured them he could handle the story tactfully.

When the book appeared, it said that great-grandfather Sam died, “taking
part in a public function when the platform suddenly gave way.’”

As for great-uncle George, he “occupied a chair of applied electronics at an
important government institution, was attached to his position by the
strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock.”

~~
 
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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Two deaths this week made headlines. Actor and dancer Patrick Swayze
succumbed to pancreatic cancer. And Bible teacher Paul Van Gorder.
Millions were impacted when they saw Swayze in movies such as North and
South, Ghost, Dirty Dancing, etc. Millions were also impacted by Van Gorder
though many would not recognize his name, as he pastored a large church in
Atlanta 1945-69, then wrote and spoke for “Our Daily Bread” devotionals and
the Radio Bible Class radio and television programs until retirement a
decade ago.

Swayze’s testimony of his personal journey of faith was from Catholicism to
Scientology and finally Buddhism. Van Gorder was a born-again believer with
a personal relationship with Jesus Christ as his Savior Whom he served
faithfully.

I am trying to envision what the gates of heaven/hell looked like on Monday.
What will be the “welcome” to these two men?

I am reminded of a story of an elderly missionary couple who had given a
lifetime serving God in Africa. They had buried two children on the
continent and their health was spent. They returned on the same steamer as
President Teddy Roosevelt, who was returning from a hunting safari on that
continent.

As the liner docked in New York, throngs of people crowded the pier. Bands
played and a gala “Welcome Home” festive atmosphere was everywhere.

Later, as one of the last to disembark, the feeble couple looked around. The
crowds were gone; the music over. The dock deserted, with only blowing trash
from the crowds a mute reminder. No one was waiting for them, to help with
their trunks or pick them up. No honor. No glory. Nothing. They stood
alone on the pier.

With great tears rolling down her cheeks, the saintly woman looked
questioningly in the eyes of her husband. “Why? The President goes on
vacation and gets a huge welcome home. We have given all for Jesus for 40
years, our health broken, and there is no Welcome Home. Why?”

Her godly husband brushed away her tears, looked deep in her eyes, and
simply said, “We’re not home yet.”

~~
 
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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“Marriage is a lot like the army. Everyone complains, but you’d be surprised
at the numbers that re-enlist.” – James Garner

“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.” – Benjamin
Franklin

“Don’t assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost – she may have
got him.”

“A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions he
can answer.” – Ronald Colman

“Before marriage the three little words are ‘I love you’, after marriage
they are, ‘let’s eat out’.”

“By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get
a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” – Socrates

“Some marriages are made in heaven, but so are thunder and lightning.”

“A diplomatic husband said to his wife, ‘How do you expect me to remember
your birthday when you never look any older?’”

“It takes a smart spouse to have the last word . . . and not use it.”

“Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.” – Arthur Baer

“The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding.”

“Marriage is like twirling a baton, handsprings, or eating with chopsticks.
It looks easy till you try it.”

“Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales.”

“There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman – before marriage
and after marriage.”

“In Hollywood all marriages are happy. It’s trying to live together
afterwards that causes the problems.” – Shelley Winters

~~
 
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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[Forwarded from a preacher friend in the Sunshine State]

Hey Bob – I’ve sure gotten old since we last saw each other. I’ve had 2
double by-pass surgeries, a hip replacement, and new knees. I fought
prostate cancer and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter
than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded,
and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation
and hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. I can’t remember if I’m 62 or 92,
and I’ve lost all my friends.

But, thank God, I still have my Florida driver’s license!

~~
 
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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A man was playing chess with his dog in the backyard. A neighbor noticed and
commented, “Wow, I’ve never seen a dog play chess before. She must be very
smart.”

“Hah!” scoffed the man. “She’s not so smart. I’ve beaten her three out of
five games.”

~~
 
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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